Jump to content

Ex girlfriend's uncle suddenly passed away-what do I do?


Recommended Posts

My ex girlfriend and I dated for 3.5 months and were friends for a year before we dated. I also went on vacation with her, her parents and her uncle during the time we were dating, for just 2 days. We broke up in October 2016 because she lost her feelings for me, confided in a mutual friend that she was going to dump me and then left me for another guy.

 

There has been absolutely no contact since the day after the break up between me and her or me and any members of her family, and our friendship from before has no chance of being renewed. We used to work together, including for a few months after the breakup, and we did not say a word to each other when we were in close proximity to each other. Two days ago, her uncle from this vacation suddenly passed away (I found out through a mutual friend). He used to work at my store, and I saw him as a customer fairly regularly, even after the breakup.

 

He never acted differently toward me after we broke up. I have also run into my ex's brother a couple of times and he has always been nice when we saw each other. Everyone in the store is devastated by his passing, even though he no longer works at the store. I definitely don't want to contact my ex, and I don't know when his wake is, but I haven't seen or talked to my ex in so long, it would be extremely awkward if I was there.

 

I do feel somewhat like I should go if I can though because most of the store will be there to pay their respects. If I went, it would have nothing to do with wanting to help out my ex. I also have the option of either sending a card/flowers to the family or just doing nothing, as if I never heard about it. So out of these options, what do you think is my best bet? My ex does have a boyfriend currently and I know he would be there because why wouldn't he support his girlfriend?

 

If it helps, her grandmother passed away 15 months ago (5 months after our breakup) and I did not reach out to her or the family and did not attend the services. I also did not know her grandmother. Let me know if any more details are needed.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to post
Share on other sites

Stay out of it. She's an X.

 

She with someone new.

 

You are looking for a chance to contact. Always a bad thing.

 

Stay nc and block everything if you haven't.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Stay out of it. She's an X.

 

She with someone new.

 

You are looking for a chance to contact. Always a bad thing.

 

Stay nc and block everything if you haven't.

 

I haven’t even thought about this ex so don’t jump to conclusions. Our FRIEND told me that the uncle passed away, and he is well known around the community. I also knew him a little bit as well. This has nothing to do with looking for a reason to contact, so don’t act like you know me. Our friendship is over and I have no desire to reconnect with her. A person DIED.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I haven’t even thought about this ex so don’t jump to conclusions. Our FRIEND told me that the uncle passed away, and he is well known around the community. I also knew him a little bit as well. This has nothing to do with looking for a reason to contact, so don’t act like you know me. Our friendship is over and I have no desire to reconnect with her. A person DIED.

 

I suspect that's how she'll take it though

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
healing light

I don't think you're obligated to do anything in this circumstance, but if you're that worried about it, I suppose you could always send a card letting her family know you made a small donation in her uncle's name to a worthy cause or a memorial fund if they set one up?

 

I think it would be awkward to be at the funeral itself, I wouldn't want the boyfriend to get mixed messages with the flowers (plus, people are usually overrun with too many flowers after a death), and this is a nice way of paying your respects that I don't think most people would find intrusive.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly

Do not show up at the wake, OP. That would be very awkward for your ex under already-stressful circumstances. Out of respect for her, do not attend.

 

If you want to express your condolences, a card to the family would suffice. Flowers are not necessary.

Link to post
Share on other sites
HumanMachine

None of your business. You’re essentially using her family member’s passing as a reason for contacting her.

Edited by HumanMachine
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I refuse to believe that a kindness can ever be wrong. Send a condolence card to the whole family but don't show up. It would be odd for you to attend.

 

You really aren't obligated to do anything because your relationship was so brief so long ago.

 

When our parents died, I received & sent condolences to my EX but we lived together for 10 years & his parents lived with us for a year so the situation was a bit different.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
None of your business. You’re essentially using her family member’s passing as a reason for contacting her.

 

Do you really not think I’m over a relationship from this long ago? I have already expressed that I have no desire to contact my ex again. I don’t even want to reach out in any way. I was just asking basically if I would be a jerk for not doing anything since I knew the uncle also.

Link to post
Share on other sites
PegNosePete
Do you really not think I’m over a relationship from this long ago? I have already expressed that I have no desire to contact my ex again.

Then why are you on an internet forum asking if you should do so or not?

 

It is sad that the uncle died. Making contact with her will not change that. She is your ex. You are not her support network any more.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Then why are you on an internet forum asking if you should do so or not?

 

It is sad that the uncle died. Making contact with her will not change that. She is your ex. You are not her support network any more.

 

Because I was asking whether or not to tough it out and be respectful to her family more so than her. The passing has also affected a lot of people at my workplace. The ex is the last person I’m thinking about here. And I already said I did not intend to reach out directly to her.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
Because I was asking whether or not to tough it out and be respectful to her family more so than her. The passing has also affected a lot of people at my workplace. The ex is the last person I’m thinking about here. And I already said I did not intend to reach out directly to her.

 

So don't upset the apple cart by randomly showing up at the wake either. You do need to consider how she'd feel seeing you pop up during such a personal moment.

 

It's not your place.

 

Again, I would advise that you send a sympathy card to the family if you wish. Nothing more.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I was just asking basically if I would be a jerk for not doing anything since I knew the uncle also.

 

I agree with sending condolences to the family and not attending the wake/funeral. I don't think she will think you're a jerk for not attending - I don't think you would be on her mind like that, if that makes sense. The main concern should be her comfort at her uncle's funeral, which in all honestly would mean it's best not to show up IMO. If you had a close relationship with the uncle I may have a different opinion but it doesn't sound like the case here.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I agree with sending condolences to the family and not attending the wake/funeral. I don't think she will think you're a jerk for not attending - I don't think you would be on her mind like that, if that makes sense. The main concern should be her comfort at her uncle's funeral, which in all honestly would mean it's best not to show up IMO. If you had a close relationship with the uncle I may have a different opinion but it doesn't sound like the case here.

 

No, not at all. I work as a checker at the store during school breaks and he would come in and shop once in a while and we'd talk a little but we certainly weren't best friends.

Link to post
Share on other sites
canadaman817

I think it's respectful of you to not want to bring up feelings between you and her, especially with something as sensitive as a family member's death. As others have suggested, I would agree with reaching out to the family in some way that avoids coming into contact with your ex, as good as your intentions are. People do often need a lot of support during times of grief. Do you have a line open for contacting the family or sending them something? Hoping it goes well.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BarbedFenceRider

At the very most...A 4x6 card with condolences sent to the FAMILY...Not her. It is enough. And I feel that you getting defensive towards some of the other posters shows that you are looking for her. You just are not admitting it, to yourself or otherwise.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...