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Did he breakup with me because of erectile dysfunction?


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Hello, all!

 

My exboyfriend and I were together for about six months. He is in his mid fifties. I’m 45. Throughout our relationship, he wasn’t able to get erect and stay erect with penetration and oral. However, when we were making out and during foreplay with our clothes on, he had no problem staying erect. Also, he rarely ever came. And if he did, it was only by oral. Even then he would repeatedly lose his erection. I never said anything about it. We never discussed the issue. I was fine with situation and felt like he has all the other qualities I’m looking for and I was willing to deal with this.

 

One day, he came over, looking quite frazzled. I could tell right away that something was up. He started the b/u speech with, “if you’ve noticed, I’ve been a bit like this (separating his hands from each other).” He said that “he doesn’t understand why this is happening, it must be in my head. I get into my head and can’t get out of it. I think I’m effed up in the head. You’re physically, emotionally, and mentally attractive. You’re sexy and so damn beautiful! I feel like I’m being unfair to you. I don’t want to be unfair to you.” Then he started to say something else, but, I cut him off. I said, what you’re saying isn’t true, and I don’t appreciate the “it’s me, it’s not you” bull crap. You’re just not that into me! I’m sure as soon as you meet another woman you’re into all you “problems” will go away. He said, “I don’t think so”. I asked him, just what is it about me that he’s not attracted too. And he yelled at me said “stop, just stop”. My God, look at you! Have you looked in the mirror lately? You’re gorgeous, and you’re sexy, please believe me, this has nothing to do with you.”

 

I got up and started walking fast. He followed me. He kept saying “this isn’t what was supposed to happen, I tried, I really tried to communicate right now, I thought I was communicating well, but, I guess I’m not”. He said this several times while holding his head.

 

We were quiet for awhile. Then he said, is there anything else you want to talk about? I said, no, what’s there to talk about? YOU’RE JUST NOT THAT INTO ME!!!!! He just shook his head and said, “I guess I better just go then”. I got up, gave him a hug and told him I’d miss him. He started to cry. Then, he just left.

 

My question, to you guys and gals, do you think he broke up with me because of his erectile dysfunction? Was this maybe what he was talking about? Without coming out and naming it? Did I jump the gun and assume it was because he “wasn’t into me”? I wonder sometimes……..

 

and if it was because of his erectile dysfunction, would he be that way with any woman? Did he maybe think his erectile dysfunction was because of me?

 

Thanks!

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chances are if he was on his own before he met you he might have dabbled with porn which can fuel the erectile dysfunction and is a habit that is awful hard to break. it is so embarrassing and shameful for a man not to be able to perform as he wants to and the pressure then only makes it worse. it probably has nothing to do with not fancying you. i'd put money on it. he is pure embarrassed because when he is alone in the comfort of his own home he more than likely has no problem getting an erection.

 

i don't know if you are interested in getting back with him but it doesn't have to be that way. there are plenty of resources for ED out there. I don't know how you would approach them without mortifying him but if he is worth it then it is worth a shot.

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It's not ED, am pretty sure. Non related to porn too. Lets face the fact that he is not sexually aroused seeing you anymore. He will still get erected with other chicks. I had similar problem with one of my ex, problem is the attraction isn't there anymore dressed or undressed. But moving on to other girls solved the problem.

Edited by JoeBro
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goldengirl11
Hello, all!

 

My exboyfriend and I were together for about six months. He is in his mid fifties. I’m 45. Throughout our relationship, he wasn’t able to get erect and stay erect with penetration and oral. However, when we were making out and during foreplay with our clothes on, he had no problem staying erect. Also, he rarely ever came. And if he did, it was only by oral. Even then he would repeatedly lose his erection. I never said anything about it. We never discussed the issue. I was fine with situation and felt like he has all the other qualities I’m looking for and I was willing to deal with this.

 

One day, he came over, looking quite frazzled. I could tell right away that something was up. He started the b/u speech with, “if you’ve noticed, I’ve been a bit like this (separating his hands from each other).” He said that “he doesn’t understand why this is happening, it must be in my head. I get into my head and can’t get out of it. I think I’m effed up in the head. You’re physically, emotionally, and mentally attractive. You’re sexy and so damn beautiful! I feel like I’m being unfair to you. I don’t want to be unfair to you.” Then he started to say something else, but, I cut him off. I said, what you’re saying isn’t true, and I don’t appreciate the “it’s me, it’s not you” bull crap. You’re just not that into me! I’m sure as soon as you meet another woman you’re into all you “problems” will go away. He said, “I don’t think so”. I asked him, just what is it about me that he’s not attracted too. And he yelled at me said “stop, just stop”. My God, look at you! Have you looked in the mirror lately? You’re gorgeous, and you’re sexy, please believe me, this has nothing to do with you.”

 

I got up and started walking fast. He followed me. He kept saying “this isn’t what was supposed to happen, I tried, I really tried to communicate right now, I thought I was communicating well, but, I guess I’m not”. He said this several times while holding his head.

 

We were quiet for awhile. Then he said, is there anything else you want to talk about? I said, no, what’s there to talk about? YOU’RE JUST NOT THAT INTO ME!!!!! He just shook his head and said, “I guess I better just go then”. I got up, gave him a hug and told him I’d miss him. He started to cry. Then, he just left.

 

My question, to you guys and gals, do you think he broke up with me because of his erectile dysfunction? Was this maybe what he was talking about? Without coming out and naming it? Did I jump the gun and assume it was because he “wasn’t into me”? I wonder sometimes……..

 

and if it was because of his erectile dysfunction, would he be that way with any woman? Did he maybe think his erectile dysfunction was because of me?

 

Thanks!

 

Hi Chrissy96,

 

I really sympathise with you on this. Particularly as I found myself in a similar situation, which I was terribly hurt by.

 

In a nutshell, my ex, who I still feel very strongly about and had been involved with for five years (yes, five years!), had been blaming me re penetrative issues for a while (something which your partner does NOT appear to be doing), which resulted in our contact dwindling. However, 6 months later, we met up a couple of times, when he wanted to talk things over, when I sensed he wanted to take a break e.g "He couldn't take another sexual setback."

 

Now, I do not want you to panic when I say this, but I believe my ex was confused about my feelings for me, especially after experimenting with/dating someone else, who sadly he is still seeing - and wants to be with. He recently told me though that he still suffers with ED, so it turns out that it may not have been my fault, possibly.

 

Perhaps you should ask to meet him again to try and explain how you feel? You don't want him falling for someone else!!

 

All the best.

Edited by goldengirl11
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treehugger12

I’m thinking maybe he thinks you are so beautiful and maybe he feels your out of his league, maybe he has insecurity issues. Is he on any prescriptions that could maybe be the problem and he is embarrassed? I would have a heart to heart talk with him and be open about how you feel about him. Maybe it will boost his ego and get things working again.

Edited by treehugger12
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It's not ED, am pretty sure. Non related to porn too. Lets face the fact that he is not sexually aroused seeing you anymore. He will still get erected with other chicks. I had similar problem with one of my ex, problem is the attraction isn't there anymore dressed or undressed. But moving on to other girls solved the problem.

 

 

 

The problem with your assessment, is that, his ED issue was from day one!

 

 

Thanks anyway

Edited by Chrissy96
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Chrissy, I can only assume he was being honest. But your reaction reflects extremely poorly on you. Talk about creating a whole lot of drama! Why on earth did you react in the way you did? If it was never a problem, why didn't you reply with "We can work through it"?

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The problem with your assessment, is that, his ED issue was from day one!

 

 

Thanks anyway

 

It could be related to performance anxiety because during foreplay he was able to stay erect. If you were to get back with him then focus on this. Don't assume it is because he doesn't fancy you. He might be feeling pressure because of his age, your age, which unfortunately adds to the anxiety.

 

There's nothing physically wrong like a phimosis or anything that might hurt him with penetration?

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Basil67

 

You’re right, I did react poorly. I know that. He never actually said anything about the ED issue at the start of that conversation.

 

 

The way he started the conversation lead me to believe he was breaking up with me by using the “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse.

 

 

Again, I admit I lost it and cut him off. Not an excuse, but, there were other things going on with me that day to start with. I was having bad day. Wasn’t feeling well. I was so taken aback. It was coming out from left field.

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healing light

You definitely escalated this one by accusing him of not being attracted to you. I've been with my boyfriend, 31, for 6 months. He has also suffered from bouts of ED that has seemed to become a vicious cycle as of late. If a man can masturbate by himself with no problem but starts deflating in the bedroom with a partner, many times it is psychological in nature. And that likely has nothing to do with you if the other parts of the relationship are going well emotionally. Given your man's age, you should inquire to see if he has any issues masturbating by himself in case he's got a circulation issue/hormone problem/or is diabetic, etc.

 

I'm going to tell you about my recent experience with ED to demonstrate how it can be psychological and how much better I think your man handled it. Apologies for the length:

 

With my guy, I had a heart-to-heart talk just a few days ago because he kept blaming the condom. What triggered our discussion was that we had 5-10 second sex because he put it in, said it was too slippery from the lube, I pulled it out, wiped some of the lube off onto his bedsheet--which he had just happened to clean the night before--and bam, boner left the building. Didn't even want to try again. He acted like this was fine since I had kept my cool during all of the times he went limp like none of it was a big deal because I didn't want to give him a complex. And it hadn't been a big deal to me until that moment, really.

 

Of the dozen women he's been with, I'm the only woman who has required him to use a condom, so it became his focal point of contention. I tried addressing how men can try to recondition their negative associations with condoms by using them in non-pressure situations to get used to them and form more positive associations (like playing with themselves with one on outside of with a partner, etc.). We didn't have this issue the first few times we had sex, I know I'm the tightest woman he'd ever been with by his own voluntary admission, but he's prone to overthinking and anxiety in general. He kept saying that he could feel my walls clamped around him (I still bleed occasionally even with lube and foreplay when we have sex because he's large and I'm small, so it's unlikely to be from lack of physical sensation) but "the condom kept him from feeling sensitivity"...even though I can recall at least one incident when he lost his erection during foreplay and no condom was present.

 

During our discussion, he actually tried blaming me by saying that the only way a man is able to come with a condom--that all men have problems with condoms and can't feel anything--has to do with what the woman does in bed and that he would come quickly with a prostitute, for instance. He went on to say I wouldn't know if I wasn't that great because I was a virgin before him (I almost broke up with him for this statement). Yet he couldn't stay hard enough for us to even switch positions to get out of missionary the last several times we've had sex. In the beginning this was less but it has become a downward spiral. He dismissed all of my comments about my friends not having issues with condoms as anecdotal/was bewildered at my statement that condoms were basic and common/and said I was book smart but didn't have a dick or real life experience with the implication that nothing I said on the topic had validity.

 

So, I tried to talk to him about what goes on in his head when he's sexually excited/what kinds of thoughts or images get him excited, and how can we bring that into the bedroom via role playing or anything else like toys to make the condom work. He kept insisting it did not have to do with his attraction for me, that I'm more sensual and handsy than the other women he dated and he loves that about me, that I was really good at giving him boners, have given him the best orgasms of his life via foreplay, etc. He is frequently hard around me even when I do simple things going about my day but hasn't been able to capitalize on them during sex lately.

 

Of note, he spent the last 10 years alone, the last 6 before me not having had sex. He watched porn in that interim to get off and has a very specific propensity to wanting to feel like he's being dominant, which came out in our discussion. All his sexual encounters before me were mostly drunken and the women let him have rough sex up the butt with them. Because certain positions are painful or uncomfortable for me and I wanted him to use a condom, he didn't feel he had the dominance over me that he needed to get off. Unlike other women, I was the first to pipe up about it. I knew he has a thing about seeing my butt during sex/taking a woman from behind in doggy. He even admitted that he thinks this preference has come from the porn he grew up on.

 

I decided that I would play dead since he was so into being dominant. Basically just let him flip me over like a chicken breast on the grill and do what he wanted so he could take me from behind (still no anal, that's my boundaries). I've never been so non-participatory during sex before. And guess what? Suddenly this dude transformed from pumping for 45-60 minutes a lot of the time when he stayed hard/losing his erection/sulking about the condom to a 5 minute man. He thought it was amazing and had to admit that his problem was psychological, that he never realized it before, because suddenly he could feel everything since his mind was in the game. That was the difference--not my attractiveness, not my vagina, not the condom, not my performance.

 

So, no, I don't think I was to blame just as much as I don't think you're to blame. If your man is telling you that it has nothing to do with you or his attraction to you, believe him. At least he had the courtesy and maturity to not try to do what others might be tempted to do by putting the blame squarely on you. This is a difficult enough topic for him to bring up, and instead of trying to ignore the issue as it had been, he broached the topic so that you could either work on it together or find what you needed from another man. ED is actually a fairly common problem--I've read that it can affect up to 10% of men for every decade (like 20% of men in their 20's, 30% of men in their 30's, 40% of men in their 40's, etc. until it drops off statistically).

 

If you want to try with him again, I would suggest he has a complete physical to rule out a physical cause and then consider that it is in fact psychological/a form of performance anxiety/or perhaps porn induced if there is a strong background of porn use (the dopamine released by the increased stimulation from porn can actually give men ED when having sex with a real woman from what I've read--experts suggest giving the porn a break for 2-6 weeks to help rewire the man) that you'll have to remain calm and collected to try to work out or accommodate. Keep the communication lines open, try not to jump to conclusions or take it personally. Best of luck to you.

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Basil67

 

You’re right, I did react poorly. I know that. He never actually said anything about the ED issue at the start of that conversation.

 

 

The way he started the conversation lead me to believe he was breaking up with me by using the “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse.

 

 

Again, I admit I lost it and cut him off. Not an excuse, but, there were other things going on with me that day to start with. I was having bad day. Wasn’t feeling well. I was so taken aback. It was coming out from left field.

 

The conversation was clearly about the ED and how bad he feels. And you've just make him feel a heck of a lot worse.

 

You're right, having a bad day is not an excuse for your reaction. You took his distress and made it all about you. Do you normally have issues with over reacting?

 

What are you seeking from us?

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It could be related to performance anxiety because during foreplay he was able to stay erect. If you were to get back with him then focus on this. Don't assume it is because he doesn't fancy you. He might be feeling pressure because of his age, your age, which unfortunately adds to the anxiety.

 

There's nothing physically wrong like a phimosis or anything that might hurt him with penetration?

 

 

 

No, nothing like that, that causes pain.

 

 

There is this one thing that he has......I don’t want to name it. It’s quite private to him. I think he may have anxiety about it. I’ve read that people who have this are afraid of it affecting their partner and therefore it can cause anxiety.

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