Just need to vent

[LifeBeginsAt40]

Hi all,

 

New member to the forums and the latest resident of heartbreak hotel. Just turned 40 and my partner of 5 years and I have gone our separate ways. A lot of my good friends are too busy with their lives, or have moved abroad, so I guess I am just going to dump here in the hope that it will help.

 

We met 5 years ago and the first couple of years were good - the usual feelings of hope, the future etc. We moved in together pretty quickly after only 4 months, and it all seemed good. After a couple of years however, there was a nagging doubt in my mind as to whether this was the right girl for me. It started off with little things such as her getting at me for leaving clothes on the floor, or asking where I was if I wasn't back for a certain time. Then we had a massive blow up. I went out with an ex of mine for dinner and didn't tell her. She has been cheated on a few times before, and stupidly I didn't want her to worry. Absolutely nothing happened, I was simply going out for dinner, but I can see how this looked to her. She found out because as luck would have it, one of her best friends was in the same restaurant and texted her to say I was there with a random blonde girl.

 

So, I came home to world war 3. We nearly split up then and there, but worked it out with a lot of appologising etc. Since then however, she got even more needy, and would be questioning me all the time if I was out late, or who that girl was that I was pictured with on facebook, or what's the name of the girl at work who I always go to the pub with. This caused all sorts of problems in my mind, as I wasn't cheating, and I never have / would do.

 

For the last two years I have been depressed. I had no energy, wasn't sleeping, wasn't enjoying life. Felt like a spectator looking in at the empty shell of my body shuffling through life. On the outside I was happy jokey me, but on the inside I was a mess. I have known probably for the past 18 months that we were going to split, but it was just easier to stay put - financially secure, had a house, and of course everyone expects someone of my age to be married with kids. I have to also be honest and say that I didn't want to hurt her, didn't want to see her cry, so I just went along with it.

 

It all came to a head last weekend. She just sat down and said she wasn't happy and I agreed. It was a very strange break up. We just hugged and cried. I'm still in the flat and still see her daily, and maybe the biggest indictment of our relationship is that it just feels normal. I'm sleeping in the spare room where I spent quite a bit of time anyway.

 

So, here I am, 40 and single, but feeling quite positive about life in general. I have appointments to look at new flats next week, and my work colleagues are taking me out to forget about it all. It's funny in that although I am not sleeping still, my depression has gone. It is like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I miss her but know we can't be together. I guess it was ultimately a toxic relationship and it is a good thing that it is done with.

 

Anyway, thanks for reading if anyone did. It helps to just spell it all out. Time to look after number 1.

[breadbin]

I hope it works out for you. I'm 40 and single too so kind of in the same boat. had a similar relationship recently. You say you changed the last couple of years like an empty shell which is very similar to me. i was devastated when she broke up with me though.

 

meeting an ex for dinner is a no no. shame on you. i'm only presuming you wanted her to find out because there is no reason in the world to do that and hide it. i'd say you knew the relationship wasn't right but you didn't have the balls to end it.

 

at least she had the guts to call it a day

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I went out with an ex of mine for dinner and didn't tell her. She has been cheated on a few times before, and stupidly I didn't want her to worry. Absolutely nothing happened, I was simply going out for dinner, but I can see how this looked to her. She found out because as luck would have it, one of her best friends was in the same restaurant and texted her to say I was there with a random blonde girl.

 

who that girl was that I was pictured with on facebook, or what's the name of the girl at work who I always go to the pub with.

 

I suggest you make changes to these behaviors (read: don't do them) in your next relationship.

[LifeBeginsAt40]

It's a fair point and lesson very much learned as they say. Thing is, there was no intention on my part to do anything naughty, and so I didn't mention it. I can see how it would look from the other side. We both over the five years we were together went out with ex's for dinner - her ex was very much involved in her life, intact a couple of them were. We went to one of their weddings last summer!

 

I'm in the process currently of going to look at places to live, and am going to be moving out this week into one of my friend's houses as a temporary measure until I get myself sorted. I think for the past week since we split, I've been a bit unphased by the whole thing, but now I can see my things in boxes, and shelves empty, it is starting to hit home a little more. It's a pretty big thing saying goodbye to five years of your life, however good or bad they were.