So depressed and hopeless

[CantDoThis]

It's been 6 weeks since my ex gf decided she is done with me.

 

We had been together for 4 years, had plans to get married, grow old and live a wonderful life together.

 

I was confident, attractive and driven, I was so happy and progressing in my life. I had it made, I had everything I wanted. She was amazing, the most beautiful woman, I didn't care to look at others, and what they had, because she was everything I ever needed. I always got a lot of attention from girls since I stated working out, and guys give me respect everywhere I go, but none of this mattered to me, all I cared about was her love, respect and attention.

 

We moved from my hometown 2 years after we started dating, due to a rough childhood, I had grown to hate the place I grew up and the people, gave me axiety leaving the house, have been on SSRIs for 5 years, so leaving and starting a new life in a new city was amazing. It felt like it was our city. I've always been one to isolate myself, I enjoyed being alone. So once I met her I loved it, it was just us. I didn't need anyone but her. All I needed was her and the gym, I'm a bodybuilder. Our entire relationship she was head over heals for me, would do anything for me.

 

For the last 3 months of our relationship she had an emotional affair with a women, she became very distant, hanging out with new friends, doing different things, didn't care about me, and would flirt and enjoy attention from other men. She was also having a emotional affair with a rich older man that lived in a different country. Sending her money and what not. She was constantly lying and making up stories. She was clearly already emotionally detached from me. She is 23, I am 26. We did everything together, both worked from home, made adult films together, making very good money(10k+ a month) and we would never get sick of each other.

 

So after she told me we were done, I left everything, the car, the apartment, my gym, my city, money, job, I took a bag of clothes and had to come back to the city I hate, to live with my parents. Now jobless, broke and depressed. I just couldn't keep anything that we had together, it's to painful of a reminder. I was a complete mess, went to the psychiatrist, he upped my meds, spoke with a psychologist multiple times, my parents had to take me to the hospital twice due to suicidal thoughts. After 2 weeks of absolute h3ll, I found the GIGS threads. The entire breakup was pretty much word for word the "gigs" type, so after being a complete mess I had hope, hope she would come back.

 

I've read every single page on the Internet for the past 4 weeks about gigs, analyzing everything about how our relationship ended. This gave me comfort, I thought it was helping me heal. From the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep I was reading, and reading about reconciliations, what to say, what to do, what not to do. I've been strict no contact since I left the day of the break up, deleted all social media, pictures, texts, everything. Now yesterday after realizing with my mom that the only reason I've been somewhat ok is due to thinking she will be back. Only to realize she won't, she left me for a women, she left me because she no longer loves me, she left me to make more money and have fun, to experience life without me.

 

She didn't want me anymore. I can't blame her. I was completely honest and faithful the entire relationship, but I am boring, and was not the best boyfriend. Of course she wanted more. She is possibly more into women than men, and if not, she wants other things, a different life without me. She is not coming back. After realizing this yesterday I've been ABSOLUTELY depressed, having suicidal thoughts. I'm in so much pain that the only thing that brings me comfort is knowing I can end this if it gets to hard, if it really isn't going to get better, I don't see how I can. I don't see how I can live without her. I can't just keep busy, I am waiting to get surgery for a hernia, so I can't do anything. I can't leave to go get a job or see anyone due to axiety living in this city I hate.

 

I can't leave the house. I think about her all the time, what she is doing, how happy she is, how much she is enjoying life, meeting new people, making tons of money now that I'm not there, in a new relationship, planning a new future without me. I really have no idea how I can get out of this. Everyone says it gets better, but it's not. I am losing muscle everyday, since I can't workout or eat my regular 6-8 meals per day, and take the steroids/supplements I was taking. Bodybuilding and her were my life, it was what I lived for. I was 245lbs at 6'2, now I'm probably 200lbs.. Losing all that muscle in 6 weeks has added to the pain, since I worked 5 years to build my body. The life I had is gone, the love of my life is gone, my body is gone.

 

I've been depressed 4 times in my life. One of them I was contemplating suicide but got out of it by finding my passion, bodybuilding. But this is BY FAR the worst I've been, I've never felt so low, so depressed and so hopeless. I really have no idea how I'll keep living like this guys, I'm absolutely heart broken. Everyday I wake up in denial, then realize this us real, everytime I sleep I dream of her. I'm really at war, a constant battle in my head. I've tried SO MANY methods of coping and moving on, it's impossible.

 

Journaling, couselor, pretending she's dead, listing everything I don't like about her, listing everything she did to hurt me, got angry, reading about people who have it worst, practicing gratitude, living in the moment, meditation, walks, playing with my dogs, changing my look(growing a beard), cleaning, talking with my parents, streaching, light workouts, self love, understanding the greiving process, looking at cars I can get, looking for jobs I can get, I even had to stop smoking weed because it made my axiety worse. I don't drink, or go out. Nothing works.. Nothing helps.. My parents are willing to buy me a car and give me 5k so I can start a new life anywhere I want after my surgery but I couldn't care less, I'm grateful for them, and everything they do, but even that doesn't give me the slightest bit of joy.. I'm really stuck, and feel like I'm being suffocated.

 

I've lost all hope, lost all desire to do anything.. I really don't know what else to do... False hope has ruined me, and now that I've realized the reality of what is happening, I can't take it. I cry uncontrollably, think uncontrollably and just can't cope.. EVERYTHING makes me think of her, it's been 6 weeks and she is still on my mind 24/7. I can't even fake a smile anymore.. I've put myself in her shoes, looked at it from her persepective, and forgave her. She did was she thought was best for her, for her happiness, and I can't blame her for that. I can't hate her for wanting certain things/people/experiences in life.

 

I just can't handle that she is has really decided to leave me behind, that she no longer wants to live a life with me, and do everything we planned. Our perspectives of each other are different, the way we thought about our relationship was different, and this is hard to accept. But I know everyone is different, people change, grow and want different things.

 

Sorry for the long post, I just don't know what to do.. I can't even get out of bed anymore... And everytime I think of her, what she's doing, who she's with, my axiety is gets extreme.. I feel so alone.. I just want my baby back, but she's gone

Edited March 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[OldSoulB]

Geez man, I definitely sympathize with you. But in this day and age women tend to do that sort of thing where they get bored of the status quo, and start thinking to themselves that they can do better. It's why divorce rates are so high these days, where 70%+ of divorces were initiated by women. (The whole GIGS thing you mentioned)

 

There's a men's movement called MGTOW that knows that fact and try to make other men aware of it. It's a serious problem.

 

The first step to getting better is to tell yourself you WANT things to get better. If you don't, you'll only drag yourself further and further down, and no one will be able to help you no matter how much they try. So it all starts with you.

 

The best way to get back on your feet is to think small and short term. If you keep looking at the big picture and how your current life as a WHOLE is a total mess, then it's going to look like a massive undertaking and it'll only discourage you. Try something called "chunking," where you break down things in your life to smaller pieces, and start working on one piece at a time.

 

I can't give you specific examples seeing as I don't know you, so maybe you can tell me of a small little thing you can think of that currently isn't right, that you'd like to work on and fix to make it better.

 

It literally can be anything. Like maybe showering everyday for example. Let me know.

Edited March 10, 2018 by OldSoulB

[CantDoThis]

Try something called "chunking," where you break down things in your life to smaller pieces, and start working on one piece at a time.

 

I can't give you specific examples seeing as I don't know you, so maybe you can tell me of a small little thing you can think of that currently isn't right, that you'd like to work on and fix to make it better.

 

It literally can be anything. Like maybe showering everyday for example. Let me know.

 

Thanks for the reply brother.

 

Seems as though nothing is right at this moment.

 

I get up, shower, eat, go on my phone to read about people going through times like I am, it's the only comfort I get. Go back to bed and repeat.

 

I can't work, train or do anything to get my life going until I get my surgery in a few months.

 

So I'm pretty limited as to what I can do..

 

I also can't really go out in public, I hate it here.

 

I've got 2 dogs, they are my world, but right now they can't even make me happy... Which is terrifying.

 

I seem to have completely lost the will to move on and get through this. It was there when I had false hope she would realize her mistake and come back. But I can't be blind to everything she has said and done. She is gone, for good.

 

I feel as though part of me, if not all of me is gone as as well.

 

I could win a million dollars right now and wouldn't even care..

[LifeBeginsAt40]

I'm not sure what I can add other than you are not alone. I have just joined this site as a means of venting. A lot of my close buddies have moved away, got married etc etc. I've just hit 40 and got dumped a few days back after 5 years together. Same thing, lived together, shared things etc etc, but in all honesty I knew something wasn't quite right.

 

I think where I differ from you is that I am not feeling all that depressed about it. I think we've known for a long time now that something wasn't quite right - we'd go on separate holidays, do different things, our lives just went in different directions. When the split actually came, it was almost more of a relief than anything else. It still sucks, and there have been plenty of tears, but I am trying to put my energy into other things. I'm looking to buy a house, meet up with old friends etc etc.

 

I think sometimes you just have to let time heal you, and I think that this is often harder when you are younger. I remember splitting with my first girlfriend of 18months when I was 25. It was horrible. I couldn't stop thinking about her, couldn't stop wondering where she was. When I saw her I got that thump in the stomach feeling and wanted to be sick. It took me 4 - 5 years to fully get over her, and I went through all sorts of depression, anxiety etc. As you get older, you are more aware of who you are, and I think more resilient.

 

None of this perhaps helps, but know that you will come out the other side of it all. It's no good people just telling you to get over it, you can't. One day though you will wake up and smile and life will go on. Whatever you do, don't start thinking suicidal thoughts. No relationship is worth that.

[TeddyPSmith]

You’re in good company. There are some real broken down SOBs here and also some really helpful people. I just post away under one thread. I doubt anyone even reads it but I feel the need to get it off my chest. I hope you can find the support you’re looking for. This place can feel like a life saver

[breadbin]

i feel for you OP but you need to take control. life is tough. no one has it easy. you need to break this mindset of feeling sorry for yourself and get out there. get your dogs out for the walks they deserve. they need you now.

 

it has only been 6 weeks. that is nothing in the grand scheme of things. speaking from personal experience it's only really starting now. the first couple of weeks are the worst but it's more of a shock that you get through on autopilot. now you are thinking more which can bring you into the downward spiral. nip that in the bud. whenever you feel yourself thinking about her snap out of it. you will deal with this in your head at some time but now is not the time. now is the time to think about yourself and move forward.

 

it sounds like you dodged a bullet there. she was having an affair with a woman and a man? jesus, you had a lucky escape, you might not realise it now but you will. use whatever resources you have to get your head out of this victim mentality.

 

your dogs need you. if you don't like walking in your neighbourhood then put them in the car and get them out for a walk. you need to get a job even if its not what you want to do. make a goal for each day. doesn't matter how small it is. have a shower. wash the car, clean your room, help your parents. just do something. if you need to take the anti-depressants then take them. visit your GP and tell them about it.

[OldSoulB]

Cantdothis, breadbin is saying exactly the same thing I said, which means you have to start with yourself by telling yourself you want things to get better. Here's a better start:

 

Create a new account for this site and name it "CanDoThis" instead of your current one. Show us, but mainly show yourself you are willing to move forward.

 

Do it!

[SevenCity]

A lot of people can never relate to what you are going through because they have not gone through it themselves.

 

The reason why you are hurting so bad is because she was not only your gf but she was your entire life. You shut out the outside world and made her the center. This feels great at the time and often they seem to appreciate it, but ultimately it is self defeating.

 

Women do not operate like we do. They always want newer, better, faster. They eventually get bored of sitting home all the time and want new experiences - even if they claim they are perfectly happy. Look at 99% of the dating profiles by women. It's all about adventures, traveling, or having fun. I've yet to read one that says she wants to be at home with her man and enjoy his company and take care of him.

 

The fact that you are an introvert makes this difficult as well. Right now you have nothing but time to think about her. You have to distract yourself with other things and other women.

 

I relate to your post as mine left after 7 years with no apparent issues. I too made her my entire world and didn't have a need for friends or attraction from other women - she was all I needed. Never again.

 

Go on YouTube and search for "Mouth of ape". He does a great job of explaining how you have to diversify your pie (think of happiness as a pizza pie and don't give any one thing too much space so if it disappears you have other pieces to rely upon).

 

My breakup changed me, or more correctly reverted me back to an untrusting, self serving, empathy lacking, SOB (as was referenced in a prior post). I'm much happier this way than I was initially. Now women have zero power over me. I can take or leave them. The thought of actually falling in love with a woman is not only scary, but seems quite impossible.

 

Instead, I take the love I have and put it into deserving things like my friends, family, and more importantly my dog. The reason dogs are man's best friend is they possess loyalty - a trait that is very difficult to find in people...especially women.

 

I'm not saying my way is the right way, but I sure do like it a whole lot more than crying my eyes out for a women whom I revolved my entire world around and wanted to grow old with who left without ever giving me a real reason.

 

Hang in there brother. I'm a few months from the 2 year mark and still have not reached indifference but it will come. It will come from you too. It's impossible for it not to. Just put yourself on the right track and you'll get there eventually.

[CantDoThis]

Thanks for the reply everyone.

 

I really wish I could just get pass this, my depression has taken over for the past few days. I can't stop it, I'm on enough anti depressants that I caved be taking more. Time is not making this any better, I feel so ashamed that a break up has led me to this point. I feel worthless, unable to carry on without this person. It's ridicously that I let one person have this effect on me. But I am completely powerless to it. The depression has a grip and won't let go anymore. For the first 5 weeks I was doing things to get out of this. I was working out, eating regularly, not isolating myself as much, doing anything to help myself. But now I can't. Time is only making me go down further, it's only making things worse. I can barely talk to my family now, let alone look at them. I am really scared and the only comfort I find is reading suicide forums.. I've already been to the hospital twice for suicidal thoughts, and there's nothing they can do to help. I'm really stuck here.. I'm hiding out in my room while my family celebrates my dads birthday. I feel like such a burden, always depressed, crying, sad, it makes everyone uncomfortable and can't be fun to be around.. I have no felt one second of happiness in the past 6 weeks, not one real smile, not one break from this emotional torture.. This really has to get better, but I don't think it will..

[breadbin]

Aren't there any support groups in your area? Even if your family have to bring you. I hope your family know how close to suicide you are. You have to reach out. You sound like you need help and you need face to face help. Not faceless advice from the internet. We don't know you. Have you any friends that you can talk to?

 

Don't be too hard on yourself. You made it this far. Take it day by day. I am still so ashamed what my breakup did to me. It turned me into a blubbering idiot. I needed help to get through and I had dark times too. I look back and I feel well at least I can say I was in love. Some people never feel that. You will look back on this some day and feel the same. I know how tough it is but you are strong. You have shown that already. Go be with your family and take your mind of it at least for a minute or two. Every little helps.

[CantDoThis]

Thanks for the reply.

 

I've been to a therapist a few times already. I have no friends, she was all I had. I love my family and they are very empathic to what I'm going through, they are amazing. But it's not nearly enough right now.. I just sat down with them for my dads birthday, while everyone was happy and enjoying themselves I had my face down in my plate holding back tears the entire time.. I couldn't even look up once. I'm in my own world of darkness right now. I know I should probably go to the hospital right now, but it's really not something I am going to do, it's not going to help, nothing anyone can tell me will help at this point, and I don't want to get on any more meds.. This is a very lonely dark road.. I am the only one that can get myself out, I know this, but it's impossible now.. I feel like I'm to far gone.. I have no interest in anything, I find comfort in isolating myself and thinking about how if this does not get better, I always have the option to end it.. But it's not that I want to die, I just really don't want to live with this pain anymore.. It's extremely selfish on my part to even think this way, considering his much my family loves me, and how much they have done for me, but I'm really really struggling to hold on, to keep living this life of constant suffering..

[breadbin]

Listen I know you don't want to die. And I know you are not selfish. You are right in that it is a lonely dark place you are in and you have to walk this road yourself but you don't have to do it alone. It is so much better to have company when you are in this place. I can't say I was ever in your position so I won't pretend I was but I have had dark times especially after my last break up. I had a job that I had to do which helped. People are amazing. Human contact will get you through it. Your dogs too. Bring one of them to bed with you. If you can't hug one of your family then the dog is the next best thing.

 

Can you listen to music when you are bed? I found music was important to get me out of the darkness. Listen to stuff that relates to your suffering. You might relate with something. Try and write your feelings down too. I know you said you were doing it but keep at it.

[CantDoThis]

Thanks guys.

[CantDoThis]

I know she's gone for good...

 

I would do anything to have one more chance with her again, just one more chance and I'd be a better partner, more outgoing, more willing to try new things and explore life with her. I don't blame her for leaving me. I know I'm boring, who wants to stay home all the time, I did but I understand she was not like me.. I wish I could go back in time.. I have so much regret, I could have been so much better, and enjoyable to be with. I've really messes up, this girl was so special to me, I loved her so f*cking much.

[breadbin]

I can relate to what you are saying. Put it down to incompatibility. I am introverted and non-confrontational and that didn't go well with my ex. She was the opposite and she told me I was boring. I was the nicest guy in the world, have a good job, was really good with her kids but she was hitting 40 and wanted something else from a relationship.

 

you will get another chance but it will be with a new woman. Think about that. Learn from your mistakes. You might think you would change if you got another chance but but it is harder than you think. And why should you change to be in a relationship? Find someone who loves all of you.

[CantDoThis]

Every night and morning is the same, I dream of her, of us, of all kinds of different senerios, her being indifferent towards me, her being with someone else, me begging to get back, us being mean to each other. When I wake up it's always the same feeling, I can't grasp or understand how this girl that loved me so much, spent so much time with me, just not love me anymore, just not want me anymore, just became indifferent towards me. My head doesn't not let me understand it.. I know it's real, I'm not in denial anymore, I know she's not coming back. I also know people grow, change and want other things, but I really just can not wrap my head around the fact that she no longer wants me in her life.. Maybe it's because I never imagined my life without her? I don't know.. I can't understand how she was able to mentally check out months ago whole still living together, while still making love everyday, while cuddling and spending everyday together. How can she just move on, not want to talk to me, or see me, or need me.. How can she simply replace me and the love she had for me with someone else, so quickly. She's indifferent towards me, she was the day of the break up, I simply cannot grasp this, it's causing me so much pain.

[TeddyPSmith]

I think women sometimes (maybe most of the time?) disconnect and grieve while still with us. Then we are in total shock when they pull the plug and they walk away like it never happened. Man it sucks so bad. I really feel for you. I’m suffering through some similar stuff myself.

[CantDoThis]

All I have is regret, for not being a better boyfriend, for not showing her how much she meant to me, for not doing more things she wanted to do, for being selfish, for being comfortable and lazy in the relationship, and most of all, taking her love for granted when it was there..

 

How will this ever get any better..

[SevenCity]

Every night and morning is the same, I dream of her, of us, of all kinds of different senerios, her being indifferent towards me, her being with someone else, me begging to get back, us being mean to each other. When I wake up it's always the same feeling, I can't grasp or understand how this girl that loved me so much, spent so much time with me, just not love me anymore, just not want me anymore, just became indifferent towards me. My head doesn't not let me understand it.. I know it's real, I'm not in denial anymore, I know she's not coming back. I also know people grow, change and want other things, but I really just can not wrap my head around the fact that she no longer wants me in her life.. Maybe it's because I never imagined my life without her? I don't know.. I can't understand how she was able to mentally check out months ago whole still living together, while still making love everyday, while cuddling and spending everyday together. How can she just move on, not want to talk to me, or see me, or need me.. How can she simply replace me and the love she had for me with someone else, so quickly. She's indifferent towards me, she was the day of the break up, I simply cannot grasp this, it's causing me so much pain.

 

Not to take away from your pain, but in the long run you'll be glad she was indifferent. Sure it hurts, but it gives you a clear path forward.

 

Mine cried her eyes out while collapsing to the floor, had oral sex with me, told me I still love you, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me in my life, you are the best looking man I've ever met, I'll never forget you, and maybe we'll get back together one day - all on the day she moved out of my house.

 

To call it a strange breakup doesn't do it justice. It was more of a total mind F.

 

That last part kept me clinging on for MONTHS. "Maybe today is someday" I would think. I'd be lying if I said the possibility of us getting back together didn't haunt me at times even now, 18 months after she said those words.

 

If I had the chance to go back in time, I wish she would have been indifferent. I had the last girl I loved act that way and it sucked, but it made me realize there is never a chance for us to be together again. Even the few times I broke NC, she never gave me anything definitive to squash any hope. No "It's not a good idea", "I don't feel the same way", "I've moved on"...nothing but silence.

 

It's hard to see now, but in the long run you are MUCH better off.

 

My heart breaks for you because I know the intense pain you are going through. Like so bad only death will make it go away. Don't. If nothing else don't give her that power. Things will get better but it will take longer than you think or want it to.

 

I made it this far, you can too.

[TeddyPSmith]

Man I’m with you. All I can think of is how I could’ve done everything better or different. I KNOW (although I don’t feel) that it takes two people to make it work. We could just as easily say “if she’d only done things better we would still be together”. The problem is now the pain is so strong that we don’t believe it.

 

The only solace I’ve been able to find is hanging out with friends and family. It’s miseable when I’m alone but getting out helps. I hope you can do a little bit of that.

[Ladybug1982]

Since most people have already said most of what i wanted to say ill add this.. I know things are tough right now. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have been where you are. And i actually started my therapy then. With therapy and everyone sending you support i know sometimes it feels like none of it helps. Right now the best thing you can do is focus on you.noone should ever be allowed to have that much power over you.. As bad as it hurts we all have to accept change at some point in our lives.. Easier said then done i know. Im more concerned with how you see yourself. I know losing her has changed you and thats to be expected. But you must get your self esteem back. You are worthy of being loved and cared for. God has a way with these things. Sometimes he removes things from our life so we can we have what we should. If we continue to hang on to the things that arent meant for us we will never be able to receive all that we should have. As much as it hurts. Letting go can be a good thing.. And it can only be done when you are truly ready.

[CantDoThis]

Thanks for the help everyone, it's much appreciated.

 

Unfortunately, last night I hit a new low, I really hit rock bottom.. My mom had to take me in to the hospital, suicide is the only comfort I see. All I've been doing is going over suicide forums, it's a terrible place to be in right now. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. The regret and constant pain was to much to bare. I spoke with the doc, he wanted to make me stay for a few days till I see the psychiatrist, but I didn't, I spoke with him and a crisis worker, I will have an appointment in a week or so with a psychiatrist, and got referred to some kind of program. Really hope this helps, I'm really struggling to cope.

[d0nnivain]

I'm glad your mother took you to the hospital.

 

Here's what I really don't understand, though. I can understand wanting to get away from her but why did you quit a $120,000 a year job just because your GF broke up with you? You need to make better decisions. You could have taken a short medical leave of absence for 2 weeks - month to get a new apartment & then keep working. Hell you could have moved into a hotel for a month while you found a new place to live. To abandon your whole life is rash & reckless.

 

Where are you getting the health insurance to treat?

 

It seems to me that you put yourself in a worse pickle then she ever could have done to you. While you are in therapy work on making decisions.