It's finally over

[KLB1996]

Sorry this is really long but I needed a place to get it out. I posted awhile back about my ex boyfriend. We broke up initially in Oct. If you care to see the details, you can search back in my initial post but he got drunk and out of control, screaming at me, etc. That was at the end of Oct.

 

At the beginning of January, we started seeing each other again. I know, I am an idiot for starting with him again. Things were actually going really well and we started getting closer again. He seemed to have changed. He had stopped drinking for a month. He started drinking again after his 30 day "cleanse" around mid February. He seemed to have slowed down his drinking though even after he started again so I was hopeful things were going to be better this time.

 

He sent me a text last Wednesday asking if we could spend time together during the weekend and that he missed me. We made plans for Friday and Saturday.

 

Friday night was pretty great. He was drinking but it was "nice Greg". He made plans for us to go to the restaurant where we had our first date because he thought it would be romantic. He asked for us to sit at the same table. We had a nice conversation and he told me some things I didn't even think he noticed during our first date. It was very sweet.

 

The next morning we talked about plans for our upcoming trip we were planning to Mexico. I left his place around 11:00 a.m. I hadn't felt that happy in a long time.

 

I returned at 6:30 that night and was greeted by "mean Greg". I don't know how to describe it but when he has this shift in mood, it is like he is a totally different person. We left to go to a home and garden show and as we were leaving his building, I accidentally pushed the front door to his building instead of pulled it. Something I do all the time. He said "Jesus Christ, how many times have you been here and you still don't know to open the door?" Generally, we would just both laugh when I do something like that. I knew I was probably not in for a great night.

 

We went to the show, then went out to dinner. He already had several drinks. I had some friends at a nearby bar who wanted us to join them. We went back to his place first. He drank several shots of vodka on top of what he already had. I was getting nervous he would cause a scene in front of my friends. We met them and hung out for about an hour. He made a few smart ass comments to me but I ignored him. We went to two other places (just the two of us) afterwards. I had been noticing he had been getting some frequent texts all night and he kept going to the bathroom which is unusual for him.

 

When we got to the last place, I finally said something. I suspected it was another woman (he had told me a few weeks prior he was not seeing anyone else, wanted to be together, etc. so I assumed we were exclusive again). He told me he would let me look at his texts but if I did, we were through for good. I just said fine, I don't care.

 

I looked at his text and sure enough, there it was. Texts from another woman right at the top of his text list (with time stamps from just a few minutes prior). They were not "friendly" texts. I texted her from his phone and said something like "stop texting me". Yes, I know I shouldn't have done that but I was angry and hurt.

 

He flew into a rage, got in my face and started screaming that we were done, etc. The bartenders saw him and started yelling at him to stop. I jumped up, still had his phone in my hand and my phone in my other hand. I went outside. He followed me and screamed at me to give his phone back. I threw it at him but he didn't catch it and it skidded down the sidewalk. He turned around and full force knocked me to the ground. Several people witnessed it and came to help me up. He picked up his phone then started to come back after me. They stood in between him and me. He then took off running and I started screaming at him to stop. I had my purse, car keys, glasses, overnight bag, etc. at his place. He kept on running. The bartender and other people helped me back inside. The bartender told me if I didn't call the police, he would. I made the call and reported the assault.

 

Shortly after, Greg came back into the bar with most of my stuff. People started screaming at him to get out. He handed my stuff to another person who gave it to me. I noticed my expensive eyeglasses were missing so I ended up chasing him to his apartment around the corner. I know I shouldn't have but I was sooooo angry. He ran inside and I could not get in as it's a secured front door. I called the police back and told them I was in front of his place. When they arrived, they tried to get him to answer but he wouldn't. They advised I try to get them back the next day (with an officer) and also to think about whether or not I wanted to press assault charges.

 

The one officer said, "I hate to break this to you. But as soon as you mentioned his name, I knew who he was. He was wandering around on the streets a few nights ago. He was so drunk, he forgot where he lived. He couldn't even reach into his own pocket to get his ID out to tell me where he lived so I had to get it out for him and escort him home. He is not a good person and you need to find a way to move on from this guy."

 

I drove myself home at 3:00 a.m. Crying, sore as hell from the fall and just in shock and disbelief it ended like this. I requested a property retrieval the next day from the police dept. They met me at his place so I could get my glasses back. I stayed outside while they went and talked to him. The one cop told me he would be more than happy to cuff him and haul him off to jail if I wanted to press charges but I decided against it. I think it would just make my life harder and I just want to move on.

 

I knew he was a heavy drinker but had no idea it had gotten this bad. This is a Harvard educated man with multiple degrees and a six figure job. Alcoholism and drug abuse can truly affect anyone. Even though I am glad I am rid of him, I am trying to process my emotions. I went from being on cloud 9 to devastation in less than 24 hours. I haven't slept well since this happened, can't focus on work or anything else right now. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. And if you have any advice or suggestions for picking up the pieces and moving on, please share.

[Young mind]

I'm so sorry this has happened, and you can't imagine my face while reading this but stand your ground on this one , don't let anyone treat you like this, no "love" etc is worth being maltreated.

 

Hang in there, you're certainly better off

[Zahara]

You need to block his number and any other forms of access to you. He will certainly circle back at some point. It's the usual pattern. They always return when they need a fix.

[SpecialJ]

I suspect in a situation like this, there is some self blame. If only I did this or that, or if only I inspired him to love me more, if only I was good enough, etc. IF you are feeling any of that, my advice is to try to train yourself out of it because this isn't your fault and there's nothing you can do except walk away (run away).

 

If you are not feeling that way, then good on you for knowing better, and let it guide you to keeping very strong boundaries from here on out. This guy needs so much help, but also needs to want to help himself or nothing will get better. It's terrible to watch someone you care about self destruct, but now you know he'll not hesitate to take you down with him. The good times in this case don't matter, because he doesn't care enough about you, himself, or anyone else right now to be a good or stable partner.

 

It's also not uncommon for very educated people with high paying jobs in certain industries to be drug addicts and alcoholics. High stress jobs with long hours tend to result in people not taking the time to care for themselves and try to short cut the stress management with drinks or stay up longer to work with uppers. Not saying this is everyone in those situations by any means, but just because someone seems to have a good resume and like they'll be a good and solid partner doesn't mean they're functional in their personal lives or have healthy coping mechanisms.

 

I hope for his sake he seeks help, but way more importantly I hope you are okay and can process this as it's not your fault and now you know he's not worth revisiting -- and can move on with your eyes open to what you want in the future without losing your ability to trust guys who deserve it.

Edited March 6, 2018 by SpecialJ

[KLB1996]

Yes, there is definitely some self blame. I regret having confronted him about that woman's texts and tossing his phone at him. I feel like I could have kept the situation calmer had I not done those things so I am partially blaming myself. But he is the one who decided to react physically and I know that part is on him.

 

I also know he is probably doing "damage control" and telling his friends and family his version of the story which will of course not line up with the actual facts. He kept yelling out that I was a "crazy psycho bitch". It kills me a little to think people may believe the lies he's going to tell but I know I have no control over it.

[SpecialJ]

There is very little reason to blame yourself, because this was likely to happen at some point no matter what you did. Maybe you happened to make it happen a little sooner, but honestly that's better off in the long-run. If you broke up before because he was having anger management problems and was screaming at you and disrespecting you, plus he's an alcoholic, then this was an inevitable natural progression if he wasn't getting help (and probably even if he was). All the signs have been pointing in that direction. You saw some short term growth and were optimistic, but now you know where he's really at, and you did NOT cause this. If anything, you can remind yourself that the angry version of him causes you to not like your own behavior either, which means he's toxic for you both mentally and physically.

 

People won't believe his lies if they know him well enough. Even if they do, your safety and well being is more important than what other people think. I'm still proud of you for both standing up for yourself (calling for help) and for cutting things off with him as soon as he laid a hand on you. Indulge in some self care and figure out how it's best for you to cope, but keep him out of your life for good.

[KLB1996]

Thank you, yes I did not like the person I was becoming around him. I am not an angry, aggressive person at all and I think he was making me become that way. It also really hit me when the police officer told me what a toxic person he is and I need to move on. The past year has been nothing but an emotional roller coaster and I am done living this way. His friends/family are all well aware of how he is but they enable him. It's a sad situation but there is nothing I can do now except to sever ties with him permanently.