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Broken Up, Hoping to Reconcile


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AwkwardRobot

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years. I was very drunk and we had a fight. I came back to our apartment a few days later and apologized for blowing up, apologized for leaving and not coming back, and asked if we could work it out. He said he couldn’t think right then.

 

I wish I could say this is the first time I got way too drunk and had a fight with him, but it isn’t. It happened every few months for the past few years. It was like I couldn’t air my problems unless I was hammered. Which is ridiculous. Or I would be really upset about something else, and somehow that would turn into a fight between us.

 

Saw him the next day and he said he needed time, he had serious thinking to do.

 

Since then I’ve only made contact with him about practical things that legitimately need addressing. For example, the last exchange was about me coming to get my dresser and bedside table out of the apartment. We were planning on moving into a house together, he’s still going. I live with a girlfriend for now. I’m trying to respect his space and not reach out when all I want to do is beg for another chance and tell him how sorry I am.

 

That fight made me realize a few unpleasant truths about myself:

 

1. I can handle liquor most of the time, but the 10% of the time that things get bad I always ended up fighting with him and being self-destructive (walking back to a bar late at night by myself, continuing to drink so much I woke up drunk the next day, etc.). Not worth it to me.

 

2. I was neglectful of just about everything. I did the bare minimum to get by. I would miss work a lot, blow off friends (like, someone I would really care about would text me and ask me to hang out and I would just not answer them because I was very anxious about leaving my house), and I was definitely neglectful of him in a physical way. He likes sex a LOT. He never shut me down when I wanted it, which was nice, but I felt like I was constantly telling him no and eventually he stopped trying. (Who wouldn’t?) I was also neglectful of myself. I gained 70lbs during our relationship, and only showered like… twice a week. It was like I was in this cloud and nothing was worth any effort except bare minimum survival.

 

3. I slept entirely too much. I slept sometimes 16 hours a day on a weekend.

 

I also realize that I love this man very much and I haven’t been a good partner. Even when we got along, which was most of the time, I was still this useless, lump person.

 

I’m going to my third therapy appointment tomorrow (found someone I am so comfortable working with on CBT), I’ve been taking my antidepressants and reaching out to friends and following through on everything I say I’m going to do. I sleep 6-8 hours a day. I’m joining a gym today because I’ve been waking up every morning at about 5:45-6:00am and stress vomiting, then after that I just sit around, drink hot tea, chain smoke, and cry. So why not use that time productively to do something I’ve been putting off forever? I don’t have to be into my job until 9am, so that’s plenty of time to hit the gym for up to an hour, shower, come home, and get ready.

 

I’ve been in this weird limbo for a month now. I feel like I’m playing a weird game, but I don’t know the rules. I’m doing bare minimum contact, and that’s about to be no contact because he will be moved and there won’t be anything practical we need to discuss. The best thing I can think of to do is leave him be and let him lead our interactions. But is that the right move? Does that make it seem like I don’t care either way? Because I very much do. I haven’t even told him I miss him because I don’t want to come across as trying to push him to do/say anything.

 

And I really do miss him. I miss talking to him about our days and nerdy stuff. I even miss hearing his political rants. (We lean the same, but he's a little more into it than I am.) We'll have to be around each other at some point, we just have too many mutual friends. Pretty much all of our friends are mutual. I've told everyone close to me who's asked the truth of what happened and asked them to please not treat him differently because of the situation we're currently in. There's no side choosing or anything going on with our friends.

 

I’m very confused on how to handle the situation best. Advice would be greatly appreciated.

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At least you acknowledge your mistakes and that is a great start. I think working out is a good idea and will raise your self esteem. If you haven't already (but it seems you have) stop drinking. It is poison and probably the main reason your bf has to think about whether to take you back or not. I think once he sees your self improvement that will make a big difference. Dress up, do your hair and makeup. You will be surprised how much better you will feel and look.

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I think you are right to focus on yourself and not try to patch things up immediately. It would be fair to let him know that you've realized you have a lot of issues to address and weren't a good partner to him as of late, and that you now want to take responsibility for that. And you're doing it for yourself, not him, and you know it will take time, but you wanted to let him know and maybe can check back in in a few weeks and have a more productive conversation then. Then keep things as they have been: you respecting each other's space and only reaching out for practical logistics reasons until you've had enough time to start getting into a healthier routine for yourself and he's had some time to process.

 

Good luck, and even if this doesn't turn out the way you want it to with him, you are going to still be making your life infinitely better if you pursue this path of taking care of yourself! So keep on it and kudos for taking the first steps.

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I think it's great you recognized you have a problem and are seeking help. At this point, it's probably best you continue to work on yourself and not focus on trying to get him back. If the two of you are meant to be, he will come back into your life at some point but you need to take this time to get yourself on track.

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AwkwardRobot

Thank you all for the encouragement to keep moving forward. It does seem to be the best course right now. I can't be a good partner for anyone if I'm a mess.

 

So far, while I am extremely sad this happened and he's not in my life right now, this has shaken me up in a good way. I feel like I'm waking up for the first time, maybe ever.

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Yes, whatever you do, do not beg and plead to get back. Say your sorry, that you recognize you need to make some serious changes and maybe you guys can talk down the road again and wish him the best. As a guy, I totally respect this from someone had to break up with because of the same issue over and over. Someone wanting/begging to get right back together when I know nothing will change is a huge turn off and will make me lose all feeling for possibly getting back together ever again and make me finally go out and find someone new.

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AwkwardRobot
Yes, whatever you do, do not beg and plead to get back. Say your sorry, that you recognize you need to make some serious changes and maybe you guys can talk down the road again and wish him the best. As a guy, I totally respect this from someone had to break up with because of the same issue over and over. Someone wanting/begging to get right back together when I know nothing will change is a huge turn off and will make me lose all feeling for possibly getting back together ever again and make me finally go out and find someone new.

 

I completely understand that, and it sounds like the best plan. I don't want to fall back into the same situation (I'm 1000% positive he doesn't want that), if there's going to be anything between us down the line the foundation will need to be rebuilt. If that doesn't come to pass, I will be sad, but I'll move on like people do.

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AwkwardRobot

So... my ex is moving out the last of his things from the apartment we used to share and I offered to go in after him and do a final clean (all my stuff fit in my car... he's got a lot more than that to deal with).

 

Well, I reach out just to confirm that it's okay with him if I still go on the day I planned (today). Because I was thinking he would be out... but his help fell through and I... kind of offered to help him?

 

I'm nervous, but my plan is to just stick to business, be friendly but not weirdly so, and not talk about "us stuff" unless he starts the conversation. If that happens, I will stick to my plan.

 

Oof. I wasn't expecting this so soon.

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PegNosePete

Yeah, it was probably a bad idea to offer to help him. It will be extremely awkward. If you "stick to business" it will seem like you're cold and uncaring. If you talk about things it will make a stressful time even more awkward. This seems like a lose-lose.

 

If I were you I would have told him how you feel and tell him everything you say in your initial post. Maybe in a letter. If he sees that you acknowledge your problems, you are making positive changes and sticking with them, then he may give things another chance.

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I agree that you should not have offered your help. Let him find someone to help him. Stop doing the heavy lifting and let him pursue you.

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I disagree. She said she wasn't a good partner before and she's trying to change, so let her help and be nice and pleasant and respectful while doing so.

 

I usually advocate for saying important things in person (or at least the phone) over letter-writing etc., but maybe it wouldn't be a terrible idea to write down something short reflecting what I said in my earlier post in this thread to hand to him AFTER you're finished and as you're about to leave. Then you won't feel as much pressure while you're actually hanging out because what you need to say will be "delivered" after. Or, just play it cool (in terms of conversation topics, but be warm to him) and figure you can see how it goes and if it's OK then you'll be able to talk another time.

 

Just don't have any expectations for when you see him. You can start showing him you're becoming more thoughtful, self-aware, etc., but this is still going to be a process for you that can't be rushed.

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AwkwardRobot
I disagree. She said she wasn't a good partner before and she's trying to change, so let her help and be nice and pleasant and respectful while doing so.

 

I usually advocate for saying important things in person (or at least the phone) over letter-writing etc., but maybe it wouldn't be a terrible idea to write down something short reflecting what I said in my earlier post in this thread to hand to him AFTER you're finished and as you're about to leave. Then you won't feel as much pressure while you're actually hanging out because what you need to say will be "delivered" after. Or, just play it cool (in terms of conversation topics, but be warm to him) and figure you can see how it goes and if it's OK then you'll be able to talk another time.

 

Just don't have any expectations for when you see him. You can start showing him you're becoming more thoughtful, self-aware, etc., but this is still going to be a process for you that can't be rushed.

 

Thanks. I can totally understand why it seems like I'm a thirsty girl who's just like "OMG, attention? Yes!!" Or that I'm trying to rush things, perhaps.

 

Honestly, it went as well as it could have. He had some car trouble, so I was mostly there by myself cleaning. And I did a kickass job. He was very appreciative of my help, which was nice. It was definitely weird seeing him. We only saw each other for about 20 minutes, it had gotten dark, so we just loaded up what little things we could in the time we had and amicably parted ways. He asked me to talk to the landlords about needing a little extra time, which I did. (They're really nice people. They told us to take the weekend, and just let them know if we needed more time. I honestly don't think we will. He's got enough to fill his truck 1 more time left, and I have a few more things to clean.) He asked if I could help again today and I agreed. Even while we were texting and he was keeping me updated on the vehicle situation, I feel like it's the first time we've had a conversation that hasn't been super emotionally fraught and it felt nice to just talk to him again.

 

I don't think it could have gone any better than that, interaction-wise. (Obviously it would have been better if he wasn't having car problems while trying to move.)

 

I plan on seeing how today goes, and maybe asking if we could get together and talk after he gets settled in and his situation calms down a little bit. I still have a lot of work to do on myself. As much as I miss him and hate being apart, I'm not ready yet and I know it. I won't sacrifice the progress I've made. While I don't blame him a single bit for my own problems, I fear that if we reunited right now, I would slack on my self care and slowly, but surely backslide right back into where all this horribleness started in the first place.

 

Happy thoughts and good vibes would be amazingly appreciated. I'll be keeping this thread updated as the process moves along. It's like journaling, but with the additional benefit of third-party opinions/advice and I am so grateful everyone who has engaged with me during this time. Even if you disagree with my actions, that's cool! Opposing perspectives make me think about stuff from different angles! It's been amazingly helpful.

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AwkwardRobot

Phew. What a weekend.

 

So we met at our old apartment on Friday to do some more work. It went really well, we were both friendly and joking and getting along just fine.

 

Saturday I had to help a friend clean her new house (she's getting a really great deal, but it needs a lot of love at this point). I asked how it went and he didn't get anything done, he would go over Sunday after work and finish up. That fell through because of weather. So I went ahead back on Sunday and finished up most of my cleaning. Left the apartment key with the landlords.

 

During our messaging on Sunday, I told him thank you for Friday, it was nice to see him and hang out a bit. I said I would like to get together and talk, maybe grab coffee once things settle down for him. He said "That's fine" and we planned on Tuesday of next week. He did get a little... less friendly? Not mean or cold or anything... it just felt like the warmth got sucked out of the conversation.

 

For instance, when I suggested the meeting date (9 days from the time of the conversation) he messaged me back saying I would have to remind him closer to the date. I don't know if I'm reading too much into it (because this was all text) or not. I'm thinking that maybe because our interactions previously did go so well and I did help him out he thinks I might leverage that into asking to get back together right away? I keep telling myself to stop over analyzing, go about my business, see how it goes when I get there, and stick to my plan. I just have this knot in my tummy whenever I think about it too much, so I'm not going to dwell. I've got plenty to do to keep myself busy and occupied over the next week.

 

Trying to keep the stressing to a minimum, especially over unknown things. It is... difficult.

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Is it possible that he's hesitant to meet because he thinks you want to talk about the relationship/reconciliation? Perhaps it's too soon, as he's still sorting through his feelings?

 

What is the purpose of meeting for coffee? If you were a dumpee coming on here asking about a coffee meet that a dumper initiated we would probably suggest that you see what that person's purpose is. That may be why he's hesitant? OR - you are over analyzing and misinterpreting the texts, as you stated.

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I don't think you should plan ahead. A dumper is going to feel overwhelmed or pressured when u talk about a meeting on a specific date in the future.

 

They broke it off for a reason and will not want to get into a situation where they have to dump you a 2nd time.

 

Might be better to engage with him on a casual level (texting etc) so that things can materialise in a more natural fashion. Yes, this can be a slightly risky strategy because your not forcing him to show his hand but not making specific plans is more likely to raise attraction levels.

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AwkwardRobot
I don't think you should plan ahead. A dumper is going to feel overwhelmed or pressured when u talk about a meeting on a specific date in the future.

 

They broke it off for a reason and will not want to get into a situation where they have to dump you a 2nd time.

 

Might be better to engage with him on a casual level (texting etc) so that things can materialise in a more natural fashion. Yes, this can be a slightly risky strategy because your not forcing him to show his hand but not making specific plans is more likely to raise attraction levels.

 

I can understand why it seems that way, but here's the thing... he didn't break it off with me! We're acting broken up. He said he needed time, and couldn't think about it right then. We are still listed as in a relationship publicly on Facebook and our five year anniversary is coming up next freaking week! (of course.) So I'm still in limbo, will-he-won't-he land. I can understand not being able to deal with something like that right in the thick of it when emotions are running high, but it's been a month and a half of this. We've been around each in person twice other and interacted pleasantly. If he honestly, straight-up has no intention of trying to work things out with me, I would like to know so I can process it and move on with my life.

 

When I asked him if we could get together, I made sure to keep it vague by saying "when your life settles down" he responded by giving me his schedule for the next few weeks. I was honestly anticipating him saying no or saying he needed more time.

 

I don't know if it's even going to come up during this conversation. I mostly want to apologize for my crappy behavior, talk about the good things going on (therapy, losing 15 lbs, taking care of myself, not flaking on work, engaging with friends, etc.) , and ask how he's doing. I need time to turn these good behaviors into habits, anyway. I don't want to risk the progress I've made by getting back together right now. I don't blame him for my bad habits. I've always had them. I just want to make sure my relationship with myself is right before I try anything with anyone.

 

Ideally, I would like it if we could take anywhere between 3-6 months and reconnect casually and see how it goes from there.

 

Another point: I've put all my faults on display, and this situation was my fault, but he's got some changes to make too. (He also drinks quite a bit, and one thing he wanted out of his move was to go to the bar less and spend time doing more positive things and building a happy home. If he was just talking s*** and has no intention of doing those things, then I don't want to get back together ever. I'm not a super ambitious person, but I do have some aspirations beyond sitting in a dive bar every night after work until I die. And we were literally there *every* day. Or if I took a day or two off from the bar, I just didn't see him until *he* got home from the bar. Another point I want to make when we meet is that I hope he gives himself the happy life he talked about before the move, no matter what happens. I do care about him and want him to do well.)

 

Would I like to be out of limbo-land? God yes. It sucks here. But I'm making a very strong effort to be considerate of his understandable hesitation here and not push and just try to get an idea of where his head is at.

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AwkwardRobot

I'm not worried about whether he wants me back now, I'm worried about whether he's even open to anything down the line. Sorry, thought I made that clear.

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I'm not worried about whether he wants me back now, I'm worried about whether he's even open to anything down the line. Sorry, thought I made that clear.

 

If you continue with this mindset, the relationship is doomed.

 

He's asked for 3 months and you need to free yourself completely as well. If he catches wind that you are "wanting to know where is head is at NOW", that could very well be the nail in the coffin.

 

If you don't free yourself, you risk become the clingy person (doormat) and no relationship can ever recover from that dynamic.

 

Just do your own thing for 3 months. If you can't handle it, then end things now. Those are the only two ways you keep potential damage to a minimum.

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OP, you've changed your tone in this thread from putting yourself first to worrying a little too much about how his thoughts, actions, and desires impact the next 3-6 months. I think all you can do right now is make your apologies, briefly tell him your progress so far and what you're still working on, and tell him where your head is at right now in regards to what kind of space you need -- but is it okay if you reach out to reconnect in the future if you want to?

 

Don't ask how he'll feel about reconnecting romantically in 3-6 months. He honestly doesn't know right now and posing the question will push him further away. It also makes it sound too much like the changes you're working on are for him, not just for yourself, and you did a good job communicating to us earlier that it isn't actually the case. This is about you and for you.

 

You also can't bring up what he should work on for you, unless he offers that he wants to work things out over the course of this discussion (unlikely). It's just too presumptuous right now. If as part of a closure thing, you want to say, this action of yours made me feel negative, you can and then he'll know it bothers you, but I'd really leave that alone until you find out the person you are 3-6 months from now and know what she wants.

 

Good luck!

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