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Me and my girlfriend of 2 years broke up over drugs


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Hi guys

 

I’ve had been with my girlfriend for over 2 years. We lived together for little over a year. She has been lying to me about her cocaine use. She smokes weed every night without fail. It had become an issue for me when I moved in to her flat (which she owns) and I realised just how much she takes cocaine. After many arguments she has promised me she would cut down/change. In her mind she simply doesn’t have a problem. The cannabis didn’t bother me as much.. but the smell of it EVERY EVENING. It gets really boring. She’d cut down from 7 days to 5 .. maybe 4 at most.

 

She goes raving about once a month, takes Ketimene, E, Cocaine, nitrous. It takes her a weekend to recover.. so doing anything is a right off for us.

 

The most worrying part is the cocaine use. Almost all of her social group take it. So when she see’s them (everyother weekend) she takes it. We’ve been on dates eating a restaurants and after she eats.. she’s in and out of the toilet every 15mins. I strongly suspect she’s taking it when she meets friends out in during the week. I’ve found it on surfaces of her make up dresser in our bedroom after she’s had friends over. She's done it openly in front of me to spite me.. because I’d accused her of it and she hadn’t been?

 

Last month we went away for a few days and she found a gram of Ketimene and an E in her purse.... that “she didn’t know was there” !! on a plane .. through customs!? Either she lied or she’s got so many bags of drugs lying around she doesn’t know where they are?! Both are hugely concerning.

 

Screaming matches, tears .. threats of leaving. None of it works, it would go away for a bit, but eventually it’d come creeping back with a vengeance.

 

She’s 33 and wanted to marry and have children next year. I have no doubt she’d be a great mother.. she’s a wonderful giving person. But when she’s on drugs (cocaine) she’s a selfish dickhead. Much like EVERYONE on cocaine imo.

 

It’s gotten to a point where I’m completely paranoid, whenever we go out.. is she doing it? Isn’t she doing it!? It’s a HORRIBLE feeling. As a result I’ve shut down and the relationship has broken down to nothing. She talks to her friends (who take drugs) and of course they say.. whys he so high and mighty? He’s boring .. narrow minded.. you can do what you want. There’s nothing wrong with it!? Etc etc.

 

To make matters worse, we live with a flat mate (who’s a friend of hers) who is completely stirring things up. When my ex wasn’t around she drop hints about her drug use. Then - discovered she was sowing seeds of insecurity with my ex about me behind my back. She’s been paying low rent for years and knows if she’s kicked out. Because I’m there. She’ll never find a place with rent that low.

 

Friday she called me at 2:00am to tell me she’s bringing friends home from a rave to take drugs. Which led to a screaming match. I went and stayed with friends for 4 days before having “the talk” last night. Which led to her turning it all around on me.. I’ve ****ed it up. It’s my fault. Im a miserable bastard who won’t allow himself to have fun. Incapable of showing my feelings. Hates the site of her having fun.. has more friends than me, I’m jealous etc etc.

 

So I’ve left.. and currently looking for a place to live. It’s not all her fault, my trust has gone and I’ve shut down and I haven’t been dealing with it in a great way.

 

Anyone have similar experiences with drugs/alcohol/denial?

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Addicts always choose their substance over people. As hard as it may be, you can't continue this so you have to walk away.

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ExpatInItaly

Good for you for leaving, OP.

 

She is an addict. And she is going to wind up in serious trouble - either physically, emotionally, legally or some combination of all three. You don't want to be there when it all comes crashing down.

 

As it stands, she would be a terrible mother. She might have a lot of love in heart and love the idea of a family, but she is absolutely in no way ready for it and it's very unlikely she'll be ready in only a year given the state she's in now. Her drugs come first. At 33, she should long ago have left the hard-partying phase behind her.

 

This is not a woman you could have built and sound and stable future with.

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She’s telling me it’s all in my head and I’m paranoid.. I’m mad.

 

Given how I’ve caught her out in the past, how could I not be?

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She’s telling me it’s all in my head and I’m paranoid.. I’m mad.

 

Given how I’ve caught her out in the past, how could I not be?

 

Their train of thought is that everybody else is in the wrong and that comes form a strong sense of entitlement and selfishness. My father was an alcoholic. It was in everyone's head and everyone was in the wrong.

 

You did the right thing. She's made a choice for herself and you had to as well. If your goals and values aren't in line, there is no compatibility.

 

Addiction is very difficult to overcome. She has a very long road ahead of her. It's time you move on.

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I lived with a drunk/druggie, and from first hand experience I can tell you that her bond is with the drugs and not with you. Any attempts you make to talk to her about it will result in a meltdown. It's not your job to maker her stop; it's hers.

 

People don't change. You are lucky to be out and this is a blessing in disguise.

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She’s telling me it’s all in my head and I’m paranoid.. I’m mad.

 

Given how I’ve caught her out in the past, how could I not be?

 

You have no idea... what a bullet you have dodged.

 

People that are 33 as still parting like this... they have a problem.

 

They are not marriage material, or the should not be.

 

You just have no idea how bad it could get if you got married and god forbid had children with her.

 

I have lived this before and it can be a nightmare...

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Man I literally just got out of a relationship (2years) that sounds very very similar. She struggled with depression, alcoholism, and cocaine addiction. She would get blackout drunk/high on cocaine, and scream and yell at me for anything and everything. Eventually she started throwing things and breaking stuff around the house.

I finally said enough was enough, and I was accused of "abandoning" her in her darkest time. The thing is though, it will never be my job, or anyone else's for that matter to bring her out of that place. It's her task alone. I'm telling you man, get out of there now, and don't look back. It's gonna hurt like hell, you'll be lonely and start to doubt your decision, but I swear you are doing the right thing. She's going to be selfish as hell, and is going to try and manipulate your feelings to make you think it was all your fault, but set some damn boundaries and stick to them. Are you a man or a mouse?

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Have compassion for her...from a safe, far distance.

 

As others have mentioned, you stand no chance against her addiction.

 

Al-Anon has a popular phrase: "I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't fix it."

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healing light

This woman is a disaster. She would be a terrible mother--not sure in what universe you think she would somehow be able to clean up her act enough to be present and safe with children. She's not even mature enough to be in a relationship, much less be married with kids.

 

She's gas lighting you.

 

Keep walking.

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Thanks guys

 

This is our first weekend apart since the break up (which is mutual btw) and her way of dealing with it was of course to go out and get high and drunk on Friday night with her friends. which was predictable.

 

She holds down a job.. and does it well. Goes to the gym twice a week. Thing is .. she has a well paying job, no morgage, rent money from her house mate.. and her wealthy Daddy pays all the bills. It’s not like she’s ever going to run out of money to blow on drugs.

 

I’m moderately deep into a depression- which I have been for months (partly due to this) haven’t eaten, can’t sleep - when I do I have nightmares. I super anxious and stressed about having to find a place to live. Currently couch surfing. Going to seek counselling ASAP.

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LovenHopenJoy

I have seen the devastation and deception of cocaine first hand. Until the person caught in its web wants freedom from the drug, there is not much you can do from the outside.

I just prayed for her to see the truth about the drugs, and am praying for you to have the wisdom to navigate this difficult time. Sometimes we have to do the hard thing, like walk away, because it is the best thing for you and for her.

Good idea to seek counseling. Sometimes another perspective can help keep you on balance.

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Please see the message I just posted about my alcoholic ex boyfriend. He also regularly uses cocaine, weed, ecstasy and pretty much any other drug he can get his hands on. He's nearly 41 and will not live much longer at this rate. I refuse to watch him slowly kill himself and I refuse to be his punching bag.

 

You are worthy of someone who loves and respects you all the time. We cannot use the excuse that they are "great" when they are not using. As a previous poster said, the drugs and alcohol will win everytime.

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Thanks guys

 

This is our first weekend apart since the break up (which is mutual btw) and her way of dealing with it was of course to go out and get high and drunk on Friday night with her friends. which was predictable.

 

She holds down a job.. and does it well. Goes to the gym twice a week. Thing is .. she has a well paying job, no morgage, rent money from her house mate.. and her wealthy Daddy pays all the bills. It’s not like she’s ever going to run out of money to blow on drugs.

 

I’m moderately deep into a depression- which I have been for months (partly due to this) haven’t eaten, can’t sleep - when I do I have nightmares. I super anxious and stressed about having to find a place to live. Currently couch surfing. Going to seek counselling ASAP.

 

I've learned that addiction can indeed impact anyone from any walk of life. My ex is a Harvard grad with multiple degrees, hold a prestigious job at a big bank, makes six figures, etc. Yet he is still an addict. A highly functioning one, but still an addict. They will not change unless they want to change.

 

It's good that you are seeking counseling. Best of luck to you!

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So my ex wanted to meet tonight for dinner!? One last meet up. I'm really not sure what the point of it all was!? She told me she Thinks we are doing the right thing breaking up.. just like she did 2 weeks ago!? Even though I was the one who left her.

 

Nothing's changed since then. she'd been out last night with her Cokey friends again. I know it's mean to say - but she looked rough/hung over. Clearly had spent the night doing it.

 

EVERYTHINGS still all my fault for pushing her away and she's in complete denial when it comes to her coke habit. She would literally just tune out when ever I tried to address it.

 

Other than that it was pretty heartbreaking lots of tears and hugging. I’m still sleeping on a friends blow up mattress.. seeing a flat tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

 

Such a messed up situation. My heart hurts. My head hurts

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You will do yourself a favor if you don't agree to see her again.

 

She's not changing and she is just checking to see if you miss her enough to go back to the same piss poor behavior she's handing out.

 

 

Move forward - leave her behind to do the drugs she prioritized over her relationship with you.

 

You'll never be more important than her drugs - don't look back.

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RecentChange

Ah that sucks.

 

It's a shame that drugs have a hold of her, which they obviously do. I mean.... She choose drugs over you which is saying a lot. Should tell you exactly where her priorities are.

 

She is 30 something and goes to raves? Oh boy.... Guess this one never matured much.

 

A great mother? Drug addicts do not make great mothers.

 

I know it hurts right now, but parting is the best for you. It is very very unlikely that she will change before she hits rock bottom - and you do not want her dragging you down to that low point - which if you stayed in her life, you would have.

 

Save yourself - no one else will.

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A fun exercise to do with a pesky coke head partner is find their stash and swap it for a mixture of baking soda and finely crushed paracetamol. Feign complete innocence and ignorance when they figure it out and ring their dealer to spew forth their rage.

Not that I would have ever done anything like that to anyone.

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I'm from the first wave of recreational users back in the late 60s and 70s. So I don't know crap about today's drugs, but I know when someone is in the danger zone and isn't just a recreational user who can put it down but has addiction problems.

 

The way you tell is they do it or something every single day. Now, we were all considered potheads, but we did not do a huge amount of anything and we didn't feel like doing it every day. That or psychedelics or, later, coke.

 

Run from people who have to do anything every day, whether it's alcohol or pot or whatever. Of course, you think pot is no big deal because it's not for most people, but for people who are anesthetizing themselves daily, it is an addiction and quitting will be something they and only they will have to decide to do and it won't be easy for them. Recreational users of anything, alcohol, pot, whatever, can easily just stop for a period of time, to go on a diet or whatever. It's not an issue for them to stop.

 

With pills, you can tell because they do it every day but also because they do way more than it takes to get high. I remember back in the psychedelic days, sensible hippies cut their orange sunshine or purple haze in half because that's all it took, but once in awhile you'd see a couple of guys take a handful -- for NO reason. They have some type problem they are trying to escape. Even then, before we understood that addiction was also genetic, it was easy to spot the people who were going to end up wasted.

 

YOU can't help someone. They have to want to first. So just avoid those people. Personally, I never could stand someone who sat around smoking pot all day and just stayed blotto. The chances of them ending up holding a job down and moving through the stages of their lives are not good. It stunts you because you kind of tread water in place.

 

Most girls I knew didn't care whether they did coke or not or barely got off on it. But all the guys wanted it for sex because if they hadn't become an addict yet, it made them last a real long time. Once they were really addicted though, it could and did actually make them have ED. I only knew one woman addicted to coke and she inherited mental illness. But that's talking about old snorting coke. I know nothing about crack or whatever they're smoking today, but I understand it's much more addictive and dangerous.

 

All that aside, it's all illegal and if you are with her when she gets busted, you're likely going to the pokey too. Don't take those kind of chances for anyone. Just don't.

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You made the right choice. I hope she sees this as a wakeup call to get her addiction checked out.

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All she kept saying was .. it’s because we’re such different people and your dark mood was dragging my down. Never once would she address the cocaine issue... or even smoking pot everyday. She’s in complete denial. She’s loosing her looks because of it too..

 

She text me in the early hours; saying maybe the break will do us good and we can be ourselves again for awhile.. and in the future maybe we’ll find our way back to each other!?

 

“Be ourselves again” reads “take as many drugs as I want - without being nagged”

 

She’s trying to keep her foot in the door. There’s no way. No way. Once I’ve got my stuff out of there.. I’ll have no further contact.

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All she kept saying was .. it’s because we’re such different people and your dark mood was dragging my down. Never once would she address the cocaine issue... or even smoking pot everyday. She’s in complete denial. She’s loosing her looks because of it too..

 

She text me in the early hours; saying maybe the break will do us good and we can be ourselves again for awhile.. and in the future maybe we’ll find our way back to each other!?

 

“Be ourselves again” reads “take as many drugs as I want - without being nagged”

 

She’s trying to keep her foot in the door. There’s no way. No way. Once I’ve got my stuff out of there.. I’ll have no further contact.

 

It may be useful for you if you block her from contacting you further.

 

Especially since she's not going to change. She's hoping you change your mind and take her back some day.

 

Just be done with that mess and block her.

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I can’t do that quite yet because all of me belongings are at her flat. I’m praying I’ll be out by next weekend.

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