ochyld Posted February 26, 2018 Share Posted February 26, 2018 Me and my boyfriend just broke up... Was I crazy to trip about, after 8 months in a relationship, never having seen where he lays his head at night? He told me that he lives with his sister but I've never been there or seen the inside. I feel like there's more to it that he's hiding. He says he doesn't feel like he should have to prove where he lives... so we just broke up over that. What would you all think? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 26, 2018 Share Posted February 26, 2018 I think I wouldn't have given him 8 months of my life. He's definitely hiding something. Could by anything from a wife to terrible hoarding. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainah Posted February 26, 2018 Share Posted February 26, 2018 Yea that's a bit dodgy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted February 26, 2018 Share Posted February 26, 2018 I think he's hiding something, most likely a wife/gf. But it could just be that he doesnt want you to see his place for reasons ranging from hoarding to just having crappy furniture and not feeling proud of how it looks or maybe he just feels too much pressure as a host. Do you have other evidence that he might have a wife or gf? Not showing you his place is a huge red flag but in 8 mos there would have been other evidence, too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliBabe Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 Very sketch... To me, I would assume hes hiding another woman. Thats just a normal thought to have. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 That's a big red flag and his defensiveness is an even bigger red flag. If after 8 months of dating he still won't invite you into his life, not even enough to show you where he lives, then clearly this relationship is going nowhere. I'm guessing he's married or lives with his girlfriend AKA "sister". Have you met anyone in his family? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ochyld Posted February 27, 2018 Author Share Posted February 27, 2018 That's a big red flag and his defensiveness is an even bigger red flag. If after 8 months of dating he still won't invite you into his life, not even enough to show you where he lives, then clearly this relationship is going nowhere. I'm guessing he's married or lives with his girlfriend AKA "sister". Have you met anyone in his family? I did a complete background check on him. The weird part is that I've been around his family, friends, been to his job, been to his church, some of his gigs (he's a drummer), etc. He's met my parents. But the two weird things are that most times he doesn't answer the phone at nights and about his living situation. Another weird thing is that he didn't want me to post any pics of him/us to the point where I don't even so much as open the camera app on my phone when we are out places. He would say he's a private person and doesn't want his relationship on social media. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 What sort of back ground check? Were you able to confirm that it is his sister that he lives with, and you have met her (and she confirmed that they live together)? Everything you posted, points to a live in girlfriend (which I am not sure would come up in a background check). Link to post Share on other sites
Author ochyld Posted February 27, 2018 Author Share Posted February 27, 2018 What sort of back ground check? Were you able to confirm that it is his sister that he lives with, and you have met her (and she confirmed that they live together)? Everything you posted, points to a live in girlfriend (which I am not sure would come up in a background check). I used BeenVerified. No I haven't met this sister. He told me her name but that's all. I was trying to be trusting but after awhile it's too much. He said he doesn't feel he needs to prove that he's living with his sister. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 I am not a gambling woman, but I would bet money that he lives with a girlfriend. All indicators point that way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ochyld Posted February 27, 2018 Author Share Posted February 27, 2018 I am not a gambling woman, but I would bet money that he lives with a girlfriend. All indicators point that way. It's just a weird situation. Must be a girlfriend that goes to nothing with him. My son was on his football team and he always acknowledged me to and in front of everybody. I guess I'm just tryna make sure I wasn't totally wacko when I gave him the ultimatum that if he didn't show me where he lives. That's when he said No I'm not doing that and I don't feel I should have to. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 I did a complete background check on him. The weird part is that I've been around his family, friends, been to his job, been to his church, some of his gigs (he's a drummer), etc. He's met my parents. But the two weird things are that most times he doesn't answer the phone at nights and about his living situation. Another weird thing is that he didn't want me to post any pics of him/us to the point where I don't even so much as open the camera app on my phone when we are out places. He would say he's a private person and doesn't want his relationship on social media. Yep, that sounds like a married or taken man to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
purpleowl Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 Go with your gut. It sounds weird to me. 8 months is a long time, especially if you are not long distance. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 You're not being unreasonable demanding an explanation. My guess would be that he's embarrassed about his living situation, maybe he lives with someone who has a, "no friends coming over" rule. If he had a partner I doubt he'd be taking you to gigs, his church, etc. But if he's OK with breaking up over something so stupid then you haven't really lost much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 Yep, that sounds like a married or taken man to me. For sure... especially since he wanted no pictures of him and you both on social media. You are totally justified in ending it - I would have ended it much sooner. You never followed him home? The back round check didn't show his address? His "sisters" address? If he has ANY bills with utility companies he should have something in his history showing his current address. If not, the resident is likely in his girlfriend/wife's name... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 It's just a weird situation. Must be a girlfriend that goes to nothing with him. My son was on his football team and he always acknowledged me to and in front of everybody. I guess I'm just tryna make sure I wasn't totally wacko when I gave him the ultimatum that if he didn't show me where he lives. That's when he said No I'm not doing that and I don't feel I should have to. To be fair, you were compartmentalized into his life too, OP. If he could do that to you for 8 months, he could surely do it to another girlfriend. Think about it: she could be telling herself right now that he isn't cheating, and if he is, it must be a girlfriend who never goes to his house! Oh, wait... Yes, this man was hiding something. No doubt about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 He says he doesn't feel like he should have to prove where he lives... so we just broke up over that. What would you all think? Wow... there is really no good reason to be hiding that from a partner after 8 months of dating. That's really fishy. I don't think you can maintain a relationship for that long and hide it from an existing partner. My bet is the trade of something illegal. Either way - not worth worrying about. Whatever he's hiding, it's resulted in the relationship not going any further - in fact I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did. Time to move on. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ochyld Posted February 27, 2018 Author Share Posted February 27, 2018 There's another twist to this... he has a son, 12 years old. I have 4 kids and we've all gone out before. He and his son have met my parents, went to dinner with them, etc. That's why it made it believable for so long. I was even at his church with him on New Years Eve to bring in the new year, hung out afterwards at his moms house. I know his son's mom is in a relationship with someone else cause she posts pictures of her and her guy all the time so she's not an issue. I've never met her. The son lives with his/my ex cause he's always with him...always day and night. Sometimes his mom goes to get him for different things... I just don't know what's going on with the living situation. He told me they stay in different places since he got laid off and lost his place but when I can't reach him during nights, I start to feel like he's not being honest or could be with another woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ochyld Posted February 27, 2018 Author Share Posted February 27, 2018 (edited) *same reply posted twice by mistake * Edited February 27, 2018 by ochyld Posted same thing twice Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. There is some aspect of his life he didn't want you to know about, and thus, you never really knew him fully and completely. You saw only what he carefully chose to show you and who knows what stories he's been telling other people to help keep up this mystery of his living situation. I wouldn't date a man like this. He's got too many shadows behind him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 That's not normal - he's not available evenings because he's with someone he doesn't want you to know about. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 I think he's just homeless, plain and simple. I dated a guy about 5 years ago and this happened to me. Turned out he wasn't homeless, but he was living in his "shop." It had a bathroom but no shower or kitchen. (He had a microwave). This was a choice he had made after his divorce to be able to provide child support and still earn his MBA online. He was a very, very hard working man and responsible father, and had zero debt. But, I didn't really LIKE it! We didn't break up because of that, but yeah, it was odd. He was really evasive about his living situation for quite a while, so I knew something was "up." He never lied about it, just was always kinda like "oh you don't wanna see where I live...." (I eventually did but of course never slept there) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 Well.... He obviously thought keeping his living situation a secret was more important than having you in his life. That should tell you everything you need to know. Most of us are dating to find a partner in life - if he couldn't be honest and vulnerable with you, you didn't have a chance at building a life with him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ochyld Posted February 28, 2018 Author Share Posted February 28, 2018 Thanks y'all Link to post Share on other sites
CantTakeMySmile Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 There's another twist to this... he has a son, 12 years old. I have 4 kids and we've all gone out before. He and his son have met my parents, went to dinner with them, etc. That's why it made it believable for so long. I was even at his church with him on New Years Eve to bring in the new year, hung out afterwards at his moms house. I know his son's mom is in a relationship with someone else cause she posts pictures of her and her guy all the time so she's not an issue. I've never met her. The son lives with his/my ex cause he's always with him...always day and night. Sometimes his mom goes to get him for different things... I just don't know what's going on with the living situation. He told me they stay in different places since he got laid off and lost his place but when I can't reach him during nights, I start to feel like he's not being honest or could be with another woman. What is the twist? From what you have written, he is hiding something. Does he spend most nights with you? Link to post Share on other sites
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