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He sent another girl flowers...


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My boyfriend of 8 1/2 years and I just broke up today. We are both 32 years old and have been through a lot together. Over the past year, our relationship had changed for the worse, and we both knew that it probably wasn't going to last forever. However, we still held on to a small hope that maybe, just maybe, it would get better and return to the days when we were truly in love. Even though it went on without an intimate relationship for awhile, we were still exclusive and spent all of our time together & with each other's families often. However, on Valentines day yesterday, I discovered that he sent flowers to another girl in a different state (that he used to live in & plans to move back to), while he did absolutely nothing for me. Turns out, he had also sent her a Christmas gift 2 months ago. Further, she has absolutely no idea I even existed in his life. I also had absolutely no idea any of this was going on until now. He truly feels he did absolutely nothing wrong since we were mentally & emotionally done for awhile now (despite spending all our time together). He thinks it was none of my business, but we obviously still cared for each other & never officially broke up until now. We ended things civilly, cried to each other, etc. But I know this is the end of us, as a reconciliation is not possible.

 

My question is...should I tell this girl about how he has deceived both of us in this situation? I wouldn't get too involved or emotional...just a quick, short message. I would want to know if I was her, but I'm not sure if I should or not. Part of me worries my ex will hate me for it or spin me off to be just a crazy ex, but part of me also thinks I owe him nothing after all this & he deserves it. What do you think? Thanks.

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Happy Lemming
What do you think? Thanks.

 

I think its vindictive and vengeful...

 

You said your good-byes. Anything you needed to say to him, you had your chance to say.

 

Now leave him alone and definitely leave the new girl alone.

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Scarlett.O'hara

If I was the other woman, I would want to know that he was still in a relationship up until today.

 

But that is just my opinion.

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LivingWaterPlease

I've been the other woman in that same position and I didn't know it for a very long time after he'd broken up with his original girlfriend whom he'd been engaged to. The guy ended up doing the same thing to me after dating for over four years and the same thing to the woman he left me for.

 

I don't know if I would have believed the woman he left for me had she come to me. He was very convincing and quite the Don Juan.

 

I do think it would be great for the woman to know he's been seeing her while carrying on a R with you. But, I also think there are few women who would believe you're trying to save them heartache and many may believe you're doing it for revenge or because you want him back.

 

After the guy left the woman he left me for a woman in town called me and asked me about him as he was pursuing her and someone told her to call me and ask me about him. When I told her about him she refused to date him. I was kind of surprised she believed me, frankly. But she sure saved herself a lot of heartache!

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Happy Lemming

I don't know if I would have believed the woman he left for me had she come to me. He was very convincing and quite the Don Juan.

 

But, I also think there are few women who would believe you're trying to save them heartache and many may believe you're doing it for revenge or because you want him back.

 

 

Yes... it would quite easy for him to lie.

 

I had it down to an art. I could lie to the new girlfriend with a straight face. I had all of my stories lined up and used them as needed... broke up with old girlfriend six months ago, previous girlfriend is psycho, she stalked me at work, she threw eggs on my car, etc. etc. (none of which is true or happened)

 

It doesn't take much to convince new girlfriend that old girlfriend is lying... Its quite easy to discount an old girlfriends opinion or stories.

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Don't do it, it would just reek of pettiness and vengefulness. Keep your dignity. You'll be glad later.

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I think it's vindictive and vengeful too. Do it. But only if you're going to leave him behind and block him. I can tell you for sure him saying it's none of your business means you don't have a relationship anymore. I guess he's just having sex with you to pass the time until he can meet with her. That one statement alone to me is a huge deal breaker. For one thing it pretty much tells you he has no empathy and probably doesn't even begin to Know What Love Is. So do it but only on your way out the door. She has a right to know how shallow and uncaring he is.

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somanymistakes

It's a muddy area. Sometimes one person thinks they've officially broken up while the other doesn't. Did he think you were no longer a couple but just still hanging out together? (Which some people DO still do after a breakup.) You say you weren't having an intimate relationship anymore, just spending time together. He may feel (or convince himself) that you had actually broken up and that it was just a miscommunication that you thought otherwise.

 

Given all that, I don't think 'outing' him to his new girl is going to go well. You will look like a delusional, overly-attached ex, and it might drag you into drama that will make it harder to move on.

 

It's probably better for YOU to just decide that he and his issues are no longer your problem.

 

There is a middle ground possible though: you could basically just send her a hello message, indicate that you're his last girlfriend, and that she can ask you if she has any questions. And then leave it in her court. She'll probably ignore it, but she might come back t that thought later.

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Your relationship has been over for a while & you know it. This was just the final nail in the coffin. Make it official. Break up so you can start to heal.

 

 

Tell this OW if you want but don't make it her fault. Understand she won't care what you think / say. From her perspective you are the bitter, betrayed GF. Don't give her -- or especially him -- the satisfaction of looking down on you.

 

 

Dump him & walk away with your head held high.

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He is moving. Your relationship has been in the tank for some time now. Looks to me you are emotionally involved about it having hurt feelings (understandably) and your hitting back saying something to this girl.

 

You will be doing nothing more than stirring the drama pot. I know many people who claim they hate drama but yet always in the middle of it. It's over, let it go and live in peace.

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You're the only one that will be hurt by this. She will not care as she has him to herself now, she'll see this as they were meant to be together and you're finally out of the way.

 

Be kind to yourself. Don't create any drama that will only bring you stress and anger.

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First off, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. Although it's clear you knew the relationship was on life support, I know from experience how hard it is to discover your partner has already been making moves toward a new life.

 

My ex is currently dating someone, which began less than two weeks after she was telling me she loved me and hoped to reconcile. Does it sting? Big time. Does the animal in me want to let him know the fire he's playing with? Sure. But what, really, comes of that but more drama?

 

That said, I don't think you should say a word. Whatever his motivation—in sending the gifts/flowers, in sidestepping the volcanic reality that he was in a relationship while pursing someone—that's for him to sort out and for her to deal with, however that happens.

 

I've been a version of your ex in the past, where I use a new woman as a mirror to reflect back only the version of myself I'm most comfortable accepting. Certain baggage from the past, emotional thorns, places where the heart remains twisted: they get edited out and smoothed over, at least momentarily, in the effort to pretend to be a clean, attractive, virginal slate again.

 

Thing is, if they're not owned and dealt with they'll bubble up in corrosive ways—and hopefully you can find a modicum of peace in knowing you won't have to deal with that eruption.

 

As you process your pain and loss, and as he goes about dodging it and suppressing it, I assure you that in time you'll find yourself with a much stronger core for the next chapter while his remains far cloudier and less stable.

 

Best of luck.

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If he was still in an intimate relationship with you and you felt the relationship was going well and he was leading you on, then maybe I would tell her, but that doesn't sound like that was the case. Sounds like you two have been over for while and were more friends /companions at this point. He should have just manned up and broke up with you a while ago or you with him. This didn't sound like it was going to have a good ending with you two, so I would not make matters worse for you or the other woman. He would put his spin on whatever you would tell her anyway so it would be all for not and just add more drama.

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He flat out cheated on you. Doesn’t matter that your relationship was rocky in the past year. What the hell? Of course it was your business.

 

I would tell her if I was in your shoes.

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So sorry that things did not work out for you. It sounds like this is ultimately for the best. You have received a great deal of advice and only you really know your motivation, deep down inside. I pray that God will direct you, provide guidance, as to your true motivation for wanting to tell his new girlfriend. I pray that God will heal your broken heart. A great book to consider reading is called, Boundaries in Dating.

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