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Get my stuff back or nah?


Cookiesandough

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Cookiesandough

I was wondering if anyone had some advice. I dated this guy last year, we got out touch and this year had(2) dates. Last night, I did one of the the worst things a person can do. I ended it with him last night after spending v-day together.

 

I was really nervous the whole day and it crescendoed we had an emotional talk. I suddenly felt trapped and missed my life before; where I could avoid vday dates if I wanted to or see movies when I wanted to.

 

I just missed being free(sounds crazy?) and felt very consricted and like it would get worse. I wanted to be able to keep going on dates with other guys as well.

 

But in that moment, , I had this overwhelming feeling not to date, so I told him. He said, “You mean you want to stop seeing others?” I said, “no I think I want to stop dating altogether.” He got really confused but after I explained to him my feelings he said he’s a little disappointed but he understands.

 

I felt completely terrible bc he poured out a lot to me I knew was hard for him to say previous to that. But I couldn’t lie to him. I felt like although it was fun for now, he was becoming “invested” . I had to end it it.

 

Then I left my jacket at his house. I really like this jacket, but I don’t care enough about it to where I want to ruin his or my day.. I left it at his house yesterday because he drove us to the venue. I realized it on the road home and texted him. He told me he left his house, but to come to his work tmrw and he can give it to me.

 

I feel like that will be awkward. I would have loved not to see him again. He hasn’t messaged me and I don’t know where he works. I feel bad after what I’ve done (?) texting “yo can I get my jacket?” This is a new $180 jacket

 

Thanks

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Get the jacket. Send a friend/take one with you so you don't have to get it from him yourself. The sooner you initiate that conversation and get it over with, the better.

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Happy Lemming

I think I would want a $180 jacket back. Meeting him at his work seems safe enough, why not??

 

If it was something small or inexpensive I would say forget it, but $180 is fair chunk of change.

 

I remember years ago when I wore daily-wear contacts (prior to LASIK), I would leave saline and the little (left/right) contact lens holders at girlfriends' apartments. I never went back for those items, if we broke up or I felt awkward about seeing them again. It was only a few bucks for a new L/R holder and saline.

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In a similar situation, I'd box it and send it or drop it off if local. No biggie. I did this when exW and I split up and she forget stuff when we moved everything to her new place. That's how I met her BF, dropping stuff off on the porch ;)

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Cookiesandough

Thanks, all. I appreciate the ideas for the future.

 

Upon further thought, I have decided to let him keep the hostage jacket. It’s worth letting it go for the sake of avoiding awkwardness(on both ends). Wish it was only a contact lense holder, but oh well.

 

RIP, beautiful jacket. You will be missed.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
what good will that jacket be to him?

 

Seems fitting that he should sell it on LetGo.

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LivingWaterPlease

Cookies, go get the jacket! Walk into his work place, give him a big smile and say, "Thank you so much! You're so kind to bring this to your office for me to pick up!" You can even comment on how nice his office is. Or surely there's some small thing about his office surroundings you can compliment him on. Keep it light and cheerful!

 

To me, this is an opportunity to segue back into a normal platonic R with him and to be cool about it.

 

There's absolutely nothing to feel weird or ashamed about! If you feel strange about it consider it an opportunity for growth!

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You could go get it and apologize for ruining his V-Day. I mean, he's got to be totally dumbfounded. Admit you had a meltdown of sorts and sorry it happened on him and let him know it wasn't about him, it was about you. And get your jacket.

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Cookiesandough

I know :( you’re right. I absolutely ruined it

 

I had a meltdown. With my 180 flip, there’s no way he couldn’t tell, but I explained it’s not him me ... (truly, it is 100% me. I know that now. )But no one believes that line now that so many people have used it wrong. I said im in no shape to date or be in a relationship at this point of my life. He asked me then what I was doing on a dating site and saying I was seeking a relationship. Which is a reasonable question.

 

Yeah, he thinks it’s a line. Because I asked if he’s ok and he said “yeah. you made your feelings completely clear”

 

Everything is more complicated than it should be for me because I have difficulty with boundaries as far as accepting dates goes, obsessive over random things, and always forget ****

 

I wouldn’t have agreed to the v-date if I had my way, but he asked in such a sweet way and like he already have plans. Somehow, I find myself on dates I don’t even want to be on regularly.

 

I feel so bad about this I can’t face him again. My rationale was that if it i did it in text after that or ghosted I’d feel even worse, but it was “love day” so I feel like what I did was even worse.

 

I do not think he will be my friend . Thank you guys. Sorry

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Yeah go get the jacket. It's no use to him anyway - in fact it's better for him to get rid of it, and better for you to get it back. Sure it will be awkward, but if nothing else, for the 5 minutes it takes to (awkwardly) grab it, you've essentially saved $180. Best hourly rate you'll ever earn. ;)

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LivingWaterPlease

I don't think you ruined his day, Cookies. You were authentic. Being dishonest would have ruined it. You would just have done it the next time you saw him and it would have been worse because he'd been that much more invested in you.

 

Imo, you should take your name off the dating sites for the time being until you work through whatever is causing your issues.

 

You seem to have a good heart but need some time to focus on things other than dating, imo.

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Cookiesandough

Everything is hard for me. My life can’t be easy. I need some advice.

 

I was seeing a guy. On our third date, he asked me to be exclusive. I told him I’m not ready for that. He asked me how long I would need. I told him a few more dates. He said okay, but he needed to confess he was seeing other girls. One in particular he has been seeing for awhile and he can tell she wants commitment. He basically told me then he met me and there was a spark (whatever that means) that he’s never felt with her and that I just need to say the word and he’ll stop seeing others and be my bf.

 

I told him to not stop seeing others, keep his options open. He said cool.

 

He asked me out for Valentine’s Day. We spent the day together and it was pretty nice. However, he tried to DTR once more. He’s saying he wants to drop others and invest in me. I had a panic attack and said “listen I’m not sure I really want to date period.” He said “why are you on a dating app saying you’re looking for a relationship?” I said I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m looking for.

 

He said “do you still want to see me?” I said, “I think it’s better if we don’t see each other at all” He said “I guess I ruined things. It’s hilarious, when I’m not available the girls want me but the second I like someone and admit my feelings they freak out” I told him it’s not that, it’s me.

 

With that I left, but on my way home I realized I also left me new jacket at his place. He seemed a bit out of shape when I left, so I called him. I asked, “you okay?” He said, “yea you made your feelings perfectly clear” I said,” Yeah, I’m sorry. I hate doing this, but I left my jacket at your place.” He said, “Oh, well I just went for a drive to clear my head. I don’t know when I’ll be back. Pick it up at my work tomorrow?”

 

I said cool, have a good night.

 

I have no idea where he works and I thought maybe I hurt him and should leave my jacket with him. But then I see on his Instagram feed he has a new gf!!! Lol. The day after. Very nice xD. I’m assuming the girl he was telling me about.

 

 

I’m a little in shock how blasé people are about relationships. Just getting into them almost out of desperation or something. I don’t want to interfere though. I want him to forget me, move on, live happily ever after

 

 

But I really want my jacket back. I feel like if I text him to come get it it’s awkward due to the circumstances and the fact he has a gf, and idk he may think I’m trying to get back into his life? It’s also hard to forget me when I’m there. Am I wrong to feel this way? I could ask him to mail it, But again, he’s going out of his way for me. And it’s a heavy jacket so I think you’ll be running about $15 at least for shipping. Plus the box. I don’t know I just want my jacket back so bad and now I don’t really even feel bad about the fact that I hurt him so much because he has a new girlfriend but I don’t want to sort of waltz back into his life if that makes sense? Does this make sense?

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Just go get it and be glad you didn't agree to be in a relationship with this man who clearly was willing to drop his current girlfriend for the first more attractive woman he saw (which was you). Not that you behave perfectly on dates ;) but he was probably actually cheating on her with you. Get your jacket and don't feel bad about it.

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Everything is hard for me. My life can’t be easy. I need some advice.

 

 

I think we live in a time when things are a bit too easy, so we almost have to invent drama in order to make it more interesting.

 

Just get your jacket. It's not like you are lying in a trench and have to face a wall of enemy gunfire to get it.

 

Sorry, rant over. ☺️

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I think we live in a time when things are a bit too easy, so we almost have to invent drama in order to make it more interesting.

 

Just get your jacket. It's not like you are lying in a trench and have to face a wall of enemy gunfire to get it.

 

Sorry, rant over. ☺️

 

Seriously. Life gets a lot harder than this, Cookies :cool:.

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Ask him where he works and pick it up from there. At work, he wouldn’t be able to spend too much time with you even if he wanted so it’ll be less awkward. Don’t overthink this cookies!

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Cookiesandough
Just go get it and be glad you didn't agree to be in a relationship with this man who clearly was willing to drop his current girlfriend for the first more attractive woman he saw (which was you). Not that you behave perfectly on dates ;) but he was probably actually cheating on her with you. Get your jacket and don't feel bad about it.

 

Thanks, CA:) I really don’t know. It said he wasn’t in a rship on fb before and now he is. She is a pretty girl. I can’t help but feel bad for her that he did not spend vday with her,but with lukewarm chick, and then when it was over the next day he’s in a relationship with her?? Multidating and desperate for a relationship at best and puts a bad taste in my mouth for sure. Now I feel not guilty for trying to get my jacket back, I just feel so weird even texting him now that he has a gf . But I will . I just don’t know what

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Thanks, CA:) I really don’t know. It said he wasn’t in a rship on fb before and now he is. She is a pretty girl. I can’t help but feel bad for her that he did not spend vday with her,but with lukewarm chick, and then when it was over the next day he’s in a relationship with her?? Multidating and desperate for a relationship at best and puts a bad taste in my mouth for sure. Now I feel not guilty for trying to get it back, I just feel so weird even texting him now that he has a gf . But I will . I just don’t know what

 

Be assertive. Pretend you are someone else if you have to :). Offer him 2 or 3 alternatives to choose from to retrieve your jacket. For example, he can leave it in a bag/box outside his front door. You can meet him at his work (you can text him from the parking lot once you arrive so he can run it out, or meet you at his car). You can meet at a place equidistant between the two of you. YOU think of the solution and present it to him.

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