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To block or not to block - to tell or not to tell


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Hi all

I am currently in the process of a very painful breakup and could really use some advise

 

I met this girl at Uni. We spent 2 great years together, she was fun, very good looking (a catch for me) and we had a real genuine connection. I often struggle to make a real connection with girls, but this one was special, she just got me, and I got her. We both genuine enjoyed spending loads of time with each other

The only time we would ever argue would be because she would complain I’m not making enough effort to see her etc (we saw each other like 4/5 times a week but she would usually ask me to come over etc rather than me asking her). She just needed lots of reassuring and I didn’t always do that because I thought it was a bit ‘soppy’ or whatever. But we would always be happy after and brush any argument under the carpet because we both loved each other so much. She often used to scare me a little with talk of the future, and she seemed like she genuinely thought I might be the guy for the rest of her life.

 

Anyway towards the end of Uni she decided she would go to The other side of the world on a ski season a few months after we finished our final year. I was ok with it, because I knew we were very strong and would be alright about it. She always used to make me promise her we would be ok and wouldn’t break up and so on, and I used to say we wouldn’t because I thought 6 months would be easy.

 

When we finished Uni things began to slide a little. We both got annoyed by each other a little more often as she lived a few hours away and we weren’t seeing each other as much. We argued more but still always had a great time when we saw each other and that genuine bond was still there. We always struggled during the holidays but this felt a little different because we knew we were going back to uni. But we both still were completely infatuated with each other.

 

When she left for her trip we promised to see each other soon and hugged and cried about leaving each other etc. She seemed genuinely heartbroken she wouldn’t be seeing me for 3 or 6 months (depending if I had the money to go out and see her)

 

 

When she was doing her season, the time difference made it almost impossible to speak unless she had a day off. I had also just started working and so was busy and tired a lot. She used to get a little annoyed at me for not always replying to texts or calling enough but I didn’t think much of it. I didn’t tell her I missed her that much because I’m quite a ‘laid back’ character and not very good at the soppy relationship stuff.

 

During the Christmas holidays she was working a lot and basically had no days off, we weren’t speaking loads and she really started to struggle. Originally I thought it was just her pressure from work. But then she told me she had been crying about where we were going, that it didn’t feel the same anymore etc. I had offered to go out to see her, but she declined saying she wasn’t sure. However we both agreed to fight through and really try to sort the relationship out. We both agreed we loved and missed each other and that I would make more effort to speak to her.

 

That following week I stayed up very late a lot of nights to talk to her, but she wasn’t really replying. I sent her flowers and tried really hard. Eventually I got angry at her for not reciprocating the effort I was showing her (I guess that’s how she often used to feel with me.)

 

Eventually she said we should call and the following weekend she said we had to break up. She cited that we were at different point in our lives and that it just wasn’t working. I kind of understood but didn’t understand how she didn’t want to fight through, because of how close we were. We were both in tears over FaceTime and as much as I tried she didn’t want to sort it. I texted her over the following days trying to make sense of the situation and eventually we called again and argued a little about me not making enough effort and pushing her away a bit etc.

 

We have texted a little since but not for a while now. It’s been about 4-5 weeks and I’m still really hurting. I want to let her know how I feel because she hasn’t really let me talk to her. She’s still texted me once or twice asking what I’m up to etc but every time I try to talk about the break up or my/her feelings she doesn’t want to talk about it.

 

She gets back home in around 3-4 months but I don’t know if I can wait that long to see if there’s still a chance. I did tell her I would wait for her, but she said I shouldn’t because it’s not fair on me. Iwould do anything to get that girl back and I know if she hadn’t gone away, we would still be together. After how much she wanted us to stay together, it really came as a shock to me that she wanted to go through with this. I simply can’t believe she fell out of love with me overnight.

 

 

Is there anything I can do? Should I send her a letter or is that too far? I know she still has feelings for me, but I’m worried that because she’s skiing and going out with her mates a lot etc, she will forget about me and find this much easier. I would literally do anything to get her back.

 

Apologies for the long post

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Man I'm sorry to hear about that,must be tough.

From my experience though, trying to reason with her only pushed her away further. IMO, the best thing you can do now is accept her decision, tell her you accept it. You've tried working things out but she isn't reciprocating. You should probably then just cut off contact with her. If you want her back, sticking around and having the odd converdation now and thenisn't going to help. She made the decision that she feels as if she needs to end the relationship, now let her see what that actually feels like. Of course it's tough, and it's the last thing you want to do, but it's what I wish I did straightaway. And even if after you stop speaking and a few weeks and months later , she doesn't want to reconcile, you'll be in a much stronger position mentally and emotionally and maybe you'll realise you didn't want the relationship as much as you felt like you did when she broke up with you.

Focus on you now. I'm not saying no contact will help get her back, but it'll get you back.

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CantTakeMySmile

In my experience, people don’t forget people that easily. You don’t just wake up one day and forget you had a relationship with someone I remember every person I had a relationship with. So, I would not be concerned that she will forget you.

 

It sounds like you didn’t want to let her know your real feelings because you view that as “soppy”. It also seems she broached the fact that she needed that, but you didn’t seem it that important. She always gave you the benefit of the doubt but you didn’t fix the problem of what she needed.

 

So, now, she has broken away, and feeling better. I am sure it sill hurts her to know you didn’t work and and she doesn’t want to hurt you. That is normal. She feels a void as you do, I am sure. But, she has made a decision based on her needs/wants... and what you can do it let her sit with that.

 

You say you can’t wait for her? Why? Not saying you should, but why can’t you?

 

I have found when you are in love with someone, you don’t jump to another... so considering your love for her, your heart will probably wait without your permission.

 

But, you have to let this run it’s course. Let her be her. She has asked that

If you.

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My problem is I truly don’t believe she really wants this. After how keen she was to sort everything out. I know I need to leave her alone etc, but I keep holding out hope she will want to be in a relationship again when she’s back and to really stopping me from moving on.

Is it worth writing to her in a month or so apologising and explaining my actions etc?

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CantTakeMySmile

I wouldn't try to determine today what you are going to do in a month. It will put unnecessary pressure on you when you may feel differently then.

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As the others have pointed out, she did try to tell you what she needed from you to feel secure and loved, especially at a distance. You didn't seem to get how important that was to her.

 

But, given that you offered to come and make it right and she refused - any chance she's met someone else at her new locale?

 

Unfortunately, these types of situations make a long-distance relationship very vulnerable. I worked one summer at a resort and saw the same thing happen among my younger, attached coworkers: one was onsite working, their partner was back home and they were drifting, another single coworker swoops in and lavishes attention. Relationship implosion ensued.

 

That might not be what's happened here, but I would take a big step back from her in case it has.

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I wouldn't try to determine today what you are going to do in a month. It will put unnecessary pressure on you when you may feel differently then.

 

This. You don't know how you're going to feel in a month and you certainly don't know how she's going to feel. You say that you don't think she wants this, but given that you have shown her that you know where you went wrong and are willing to rectify that, she still isn't open to reconciling.

She knows where you stand. She knows you want the relationship back. Yet she's refusing.

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As the others have pointed out, she did try to tell you what she needed from you to feel secure and loved, especially at a distance. You didn't seem to get how important that was to her.

 

But, given that you offered to come and make it right and she refused - any chance she's met someone else at her new locale?

 

I don’t think she would have. And if she did she would have told me. She mentioned she needed to see if she would be happier single. We were so honest with each other during the relationship that I would like to think she would have told me if that were the case and she had met a new guy.

 

I’m a bit worried she was unhappy due to working a lot and not getting much time off and thought it was due to the relationship. And because she has friends all around her she is now happy but not because she’s single, but because she’s got more free days and lots to do.

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I don’t think she would have. And if she did she would have told me. She mentioned she needed to see if she would be happier single. We were so honest with each other during the relationship that I would like to think she would have told me if that were the case and she had met a new guy.

 

I’m a bit worried she was unhappy due to working a lot and not getting much time off and thought it was due to the relationship. And because she has friends all around her she is now happy but not because she’s single, but because she’s got more free days and lots to do.

 

Then let her come to the realisation that she acted on a whim and made a mistake on her own. Trying to reason with her is most likely going to backfire. She needs to come to you now,not you to her.

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I guess I’m just so confused how we went from her thinking we may get married on day to this. She was so committed to keeping the relationship going then it just all changed. So hard

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CantTakeMySmile
I guess I’m just so confused how we went from her thinking we may get married on day to this. She was so committed to keeping the relationship going then it just all changed. So hard

 

 

 

I believe that many (most?) people have high hopes in a relationship. If not, why would they even really bother. Like many have said, the dumper usually has to come to term with this before they tell the dumpee. Plus, people can change their mind quickly. It doesn't mean that she didn't love you and feel that way AT ONE POINT. It doesn't mean she has to, or will, always feel that way.

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I believe that many (most?) people have high hopes in a relationship. If not, why would they even really bother. Like many have said, the dumper usually has to come to term with this before they tell the dumpee. Plus, people can change their mind quickly. It doesn't mean that she didn't love you and feel that way AT ONE POINT. It doesn't mean she has to, or will, always feel that way.

 

Do you guys reckon then that there may be a chance of reigniting the spark when she’s back as it seems like it was the distance that forced her hand

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CantTakeMySmile
Do you guys reckon then that there may be a chance of reigniting the spark when she’s back as it seems like it was the distance that forced her hand

 

 

You won't know this until the time gets here. I would not focus on that now, as you may feeling differently when the time comes. I don't think most people make a permanent decision based on a temporary issue though.

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You won't know this until the time gets here. I would not focus on that now, as you may feeling differently when the time comes. I don't think most people make a permanent decision based on a temporary issue though.

 

That is true, although it’s been nearly 6 weeks now and it’s only getting harder. Haven’t spoken to her in a week and that’s getting harder too.

She was off work injured and started messaging me about what she was up to and what I was up to etc. But when I tried to mention the relationship she said she wouldn’t speak about it

 

I keep thinking she was speaking to me because she was bored, as it was the only time she wasn’t skiing or with friends as she had to stay at her home

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CantTakeMySmile
That is true, although it’s been nearly 6 weeks now and it’s only getting harder. Haven’t spoken to her in a week and that’s getting harder too.

She was off work injured and started messaging me about what she was up to and what I was up to etc. But when I tried to mention the relationship she said she wouldn’t speak about it

 

I keep thinking she was speaking to me because she was bored, as it was the only time she wasn’t skiing or with friends as she had to stay at her home

 

 

 

It does sound like that.

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It does sound like that.

 

Does that then prove my point that she’s not having to deal with this because she’s out skiing with friends all the time so isn’t thinking about it? And when she was Lonley for a while like I am she maybe missed me?

 

Or am I just overthinking here.

 

The urge to message her is only growing stronger currently

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CantTakeMySmile

No need to make her realize that. If she is able to dismiss her missing you when she is busy, then she doesn’t have the feelings necessary for a reconciliation.

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First of all I know why your all going to say, don’t do it. But thought I’d ask anyway

 

To set the scene, she broke up with me a month ago after 2.5 years of a great relationship. We were extremely close, and we both thought we would be together for a long time.

She moved away for 6 months to go Skiing. The time difference meant we didn’t speak much and she ended up finding it too hard. After weeks of deliberating and me making a lot of effort to save the situation she broke up with me. She said she still had feelings but that this was best for both of us, and my lack of effort at the start of those 6 months hurt her and pushed her away.

 

Well it’s now valentines and I really want to reach out to her. I know I shouldn’t. We haven’t spoken in a week and it’s killing me. She doesn’t get back for 3-4 months.

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To be honest, you're only back tracking, you're sending that message only in the hope of her suddenly realizing her mistake and come running back, you know, I know, we know, IT WONT HAPPEN, you may think "my situation is different ", " we were so close" but listen to the advice here, don't torture yourself

 

Take the necessary steps to heal and time will solve everything, it's Valentine's Day, we all get the nostalgia to make some grand gestures, I too felt the same, although I was blocked everywhere, I still wonder how it could have been if we were together, and what she must be doing with the new man. Don't be fooled my friend, if you don't accept the finality of the breakup, you're only going around in circles.

 

The deed is done, Val day will not automatically make her jump back into your hands.

 

Don't take my posts harsh, but if you weigh the options, certainly don't send that message

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First of all I know why your all going to say, don’t do it. But thought I’d ask anyway

 

To set the scene, she broke up with me a month ago after 2.5 years of a great relationship. We were extremely close, and we both thought we would be together for a long time.

She moved away for 6 months to go Skiing. The time difference meant we didn’t speak much and she ended up finding it too hard. After weeks of deliberating and me making a lot of effort to save the situation she broke up with me. She said she still had feelings but that this was best for both of us, and my lack of effort at the start of those 6 months hurt her and pushed her away.

 

Well it’s now valentines and I really want to reach out to her. I know I shouldn’t. We haven’t spoken in a week and it’s killing me. She doesn’t get back for 3-4 months.

 

Your wanting to send her a valentine message while she is hooking up with want ever the flavor of the day is, really?

 

If you want to show how pathetic you are send the message.

 

Are there no other women where you are? Everything is great we are perfect together, right only until you put some distance between the two of you and she wants to play with the flavor of the day.

 

Stop being a puppy and man up.

 

Stop dwelling on her and find someone else. She obviously isn’t thinking of you.

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