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Bit of a rant about a crappy ex


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Hi, I’m new but recently went through a break up which has left me devastated. I’ve lurked over these forums for a couple days and thought I’d let me anger go.

 

So basically, last year in June I joined tinder after a bad relationship which I ended up walking out on (this was in March) and matched with this lad. The first day talking to him he asks me to go to his, I say no because I’m not that kind of girl but agree to go bowling the next week. At bowling (after being 45 minutes late) we really hit it off and started seeing more of each other. It was weird though because he wouldn’t let me add him on Facebook. I finally find out his surname, find him on Facebook and he has his picture of a girl holding a baby and three other kids. So I texted him asking if he was married with kids and he says the baby is his but the others aren’t and he’s not married but he understands if I want nothing more to do with him. He tells me him and baby momma have been broken up for some time.

 

I found out a few months in they’d only been broken up for 3 weeks when we met but had still been sleeping with each other up until just before we met.

 

So after 6 weeks I get introduced to 13 month old (his choice, not mine. I would have happily have waited).

 

Anyway, few months go past and the baby momma finds out he’s with someone new and goes a bit crazy and says he can’t see their kid anymore. So he takes the court route and ends up removing the child from her for safe guarding reasons but there is still an ongoing custody battle.

 

All of this time we are fine and working through this and still getting along great. Spent Christmas with his family and new year with him and his son for only then him to go really cold and distant with me. I suggest a break so he can focus on court and he takes it but says it’s not the end, well still talk a lot, he loves me etc. Two weeks later and he’s completely changed into someone who can’t wven give me the time of day. He has admitted he’s an ******* and he treated me badly when I didn’t deserve it.

We ended up breaking up because I couldn’t deal with the hot and cold anymore (he dumped me over text) and told me that he needs to focus on his child.

 

That same week he starts sending me photos of his dick and trying to flirt and basically saying he wants to sleep with me. He goes out that weekend on the piss (really focusing on his kid well).

He then sends me this nice text on my birthday basically saying how amazing I am but then ignores me completely the day after.

 

Well today he finally bought my stuff round from his and gives me a hug (he was literally shaking).

I then go to find he’s alreasy on tinder!!!!!!!

 

He broke it off with me to focus on his YOUNG child who ended up getting attached to me but is now trying to find someone new when there is still court proceedings going on to figure out which parent will have full custody!!!! I’m sure bringing two separate girls around the kid is really going to help....

Anyway, not really sure what advice can be given I just needed a rant. I’ve gone completely NC now and don’t need that complete waste of space who doesn’t care about anything but his dick

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You seem surprised that the guy who lied by omission (not telling you he had a child) and outright lied to you (regarding the length of time since he'd ended things with the mother of his child) has... continued to not be truthful?

 

You mention getting involved with this guy not long after leaving a bad relationship. Perhaps some introspection about your people picker would serve you better than getting right back into the dating scene.

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You seem surprised that the guy who lied by omission (not telling you he had a child) and outright lied to you (regarding the length of time since he'd ended things with the mother of his child) has... continued to not be truthful?

 

You mention getting involved with this guy not long after leaving a bad relationship. Perhaps some introspection about your people picker would serve you better than getting right back into the dating scene.

 

It was the way he put it about how he didn’t want to put me off by telling me he had a child and about the ex. He basically said what I wanted to hear and I feel for it like an idiot

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Sorry for double post.

I keep going from being ok and fine to feeling hurt and worried. The thought of him with someone else kills me and knowing I can’t do anything is worse.

Having a down moment

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Not for him to end up being like this

 

Really? Fine you may have missed the red flags at the time but not even to notice them now? The guy only has one thing on his mind..

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Really? Fine you may have missed the red flags at the time but not even to notice them now? The guy only has one thing on his mind..

 

It still hurts. He was the one that said he loved me and acted like if he lost me it’d be the worst thing in the world. I feel stupid that I fell for it

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As I suggested, it may be best to take some time away from dating and reflect on your screening process for men. You don't give any backstory to your previous relationship, but you note it was bad. Is it possible you overlooked red flags there, too?

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As I suggested, it may be best to take some time away from dating and reflect on your screening process for men. You don't give any backstory to your previous relationship, but you note it was bad. Is it possible you overlooked red flags there, too?

 

The first one was just mentally abusive and when I got out I was more of a sigh of relief, whereas with this one it actually felt like this guy loved me.

I was out of the first for around 3 months when I met this one but I was mentally turned off from him about 6 months to a year before

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I’ve been in two 3 year relationships and then this one was 6 months but I’ve never felt hurt like this and every time o think it’s getting better I feel worse again

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Not for him to end up being like this

 

How did you expect him to end up if off the bat, even at the start of your dating process he was already showing you all kinds of red flags?

 

When people show you who they are -- believe them. The sooner you start taking responsibility for where you are, the sooner you move on and the blessing here is that you take away a very valuable lesson.

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How did you expect him to end up if off the bat, even at the start of your dating process he was already showing you all kinds of red flags?

 

When people show you who they are -- believe them. The sooner you start taking responsibility for where you are, the sooner you move on and the blessing here is that you take away a very valuable lesson.

 

I thought I was different. I can see it now that he was just buttering me up but it doesn’t make this any easier. I keep going from being ok to just missing how we were

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I thought I was different. I can see it now that he was just buttering me up but it doesn’t make this any easier. I keep going from being ok to just missing how we were

 

Never go into it thinking you are different. Never go into it thinking you can change someone. Never trust words but focus on actions. Important lessons here as you go forward.

 

It's normal to romanticize the good times but that is not your reality. Your reality is focusing on the bad whenever you start idealizing this guy.

 

This time take a bit more time to heal before you get involved with someone else.

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Sometimes the biggest hurtle in a relationship breakup is the fact that we were so wrong about someone. You were wrong about this guy, it's time to give yourself a break.

 

Learn from this and move on, you will be okay. Take time for yourself and work on you.

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Thank you for your responses. They are helping.

 

He dropped my stuff off yesterday and wanted a hug, he was literally shaking. Later off after seeing him on tinder he messaged me (deleted his number but didn’t block it) and was going on that he needed a confidence boost because he feels like a **** person and that’s why he’s on tinder (I call bull****) and he still loves me, didn’t want to let me go when he hugged me and has to pull over to cry after giving me my stuff.

 

Now I know that this is probably all lies and he’s on tinder to look for a shag but I don’t get why he keeps feeding me this ****. He says his head is all over the place because of the court stuff but why would he go I tinder with the intention of bringing someone else into it.

 

I feel I did nothing wrong and I don’t deserve to be treated the way I do

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Thank you for your responses. They are helping.

 

He dropped my stuff off yesterday and wanted a hug, he was literally shaking. Later off after seeing him on tinder he messaged me (deleted his number but didn’t block it) and was going on that he needed a confidence boost because he feels like a **** person and that’s why he’s on tinder (I call bull****) and he still loves me, didn’t want to let me go when he hugged me and has to pull over to cry after giving me my stuff.

 

Now I know that this is probably all lies and he’s on tinder to look for a shag but I don’t get why he keeps feeding me this ****. He says his head is all over the place because of the court stuff but why would he go I tinder with the intention of bringing someone else into it.

 

I feel I did nothing wrong and I don’t deserve to be treated the way I do

 

He feeds you BS because he hopes you'll eat it and give into him. Case in point -- after breaking up with you he sends you a dick pic and wants to sleep with you. That's how much respect he has for you.

 

He is on Tinder because he is looking for other options. The child/court issue is just an excuse to justify bad behavior.

 

You need to stop being accessible to this guy. You got out of one bad relationship and jumped into another. Cut the cord and embrace your pain. Move on from him -- he cannot offer you a healthy relationship.

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He feeds you BS because he hopes you'll eat it and give into him. Case in point -- after breaking up with you he sends you a dick pic and wants to sleep with you. That's how much respect he has for you.

 

He is on Tinder because he is looking for other options. The child/court issue is just an excuse to justify bad behavior.

 

You need to stop being accessible to this guy. You got out of one bad relationship and jumped into another. Cut the cord and embrace your pain. Move on from him -- he cannot offer you a healthy relationship.

 

I think I know this deep down.

I just feel that we clicked so well and there was nothing bad about our relationship - although looking back and the lying and stuff I should have backed away before I got sucked in. I just felt that we had a lot of chemistry and I hadn’t clicked with someone like that before.

 

I know he will never be able to give me what I want and he’s going to probably just be a bed jumper for the rest of his life as he seems to get into multiple 6 month - year long relationships and then get bored.

 

It’s hard to feel like you’ve met your match and they turn out to be completely different to what they thought they were.

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I’ve been in two 3 year relationships and then this one was 6 months but I’ve never felt hurt like this and every time o think it’s getting better I feel worse again

 

I'm going to hazard a guess that this hurts so much because you're now grieving the loss of two relationships: This one and the abusive one that you very quickly moved on before this.

 

Long-term relationships aren't easy to get over, even if they are abusive. In fact, those can be the hardest ones to get past. This is nothing against you, but there's almost no way you had properly dealt with the emotional trauma and fallout of this relationship and its end by time you started seeing your most recent ex.

 

So now, with this relationship over, you're feeling the pangs of rejection coupled with the residual feelings from the previous relationship that were never properly dealt with.

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I'm going to hazard a guess that this hurts so much because you're now grieving the loss of two relationships: This one and the abusive one that you very quickly moved on before this.

 

Long-term relationships aren't easy to get over, even if they are abusive. In fact, those can be the hardest ones to get past. This is nothing against you, but there's almost no way you had properly dealt with the emotional trauma and fallout of this relationship and its end by time you started seeing your most recent ex.

 

So now, with this relationship over, you're feeling the pangs of rejection coupled with the residual feelings from the previous relationship that were never properly dealt with.

 

 

I hadn’t even thought of the one before this one. I know you’re probablt right as I didn’t really get the time to make myself better although I did feel it but there were still some of the emotions that I felt about ‘no one else will want you’ and so on. I guess now the guy I thought was perfect had left me I’m feeling like the first one was right.

 

I hate that it’s hurting me so much and he doesn’t seem to care and just wants to get his way with the next girl that comes along

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I think I know this deep down.

I just feel that we clicked so well and there was nothing bad about our relationship - although looking back and the lying and stuff I should have backed away before I got sucked in. I just felt that we had a lot of chemistry and I hadn’t clicked with someone like that before.

 

I know he will never be able to give me what I want and he’s going to probably just be a bed jumper for the rest of his life as he seems to get into multiple 6 month - year long relationships and then get bored.

 

It’s hard to feel like you’ve met your match and they turn out to be completely different to what they thought they were.

 

"Clicking" is surface level attraction. If you want to have/seek a sustaining relationship, one that is healthy and nurturing for you, you need to focus deeper and look further -- shared values, morals, etc. All that "clicking' is usually the honeymoon stage when both are on a high and people are on their best behavior. All that means nothing. So, forget the superficial and pay attention to what your standards and boundaries are moving forward. Start working on what you believe you deserve and what you will not tolerate. Settling is not an option.

 

It's pretty disturbing that you believe you met your match when off the bat he was already presenting himself as a liar.

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I hadn’t even thought of the one before this one. I know you’re probablt right as I didn’t really get the time to make myself better although I did feel it but there were still some of the emotions that I felt about ‘no one else will want you’ and so on. I guess now the guy I thought was perfect had left me I’m feeling like the first one was right.

 

I hate that it’s hurting me so much and he doesn’t seem to care and just wants to get his way with the next girl that comes along

 

This is a big reason why you need to do some self-reflecting. I'm sorry that these men have made you feel substandard. It's an awful feeling to make ourselves vulnerable and then have someone we trust exploit that vulnerability.

 

It'll help to do some self-healing and focus on yourself as to how you can avoid choosing similar men in the future. Taking time away from dating doesn't make us weak or mean we are longing for our ex. It can mean we're just giving that attention to something more important: Ourselves.

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There’s a part of me that just wants to let rip and stand up for his kid - he’s the one that’s going to be affected by this if he keeps bringing girls to meet him. The poor little thing is only a year and a half and one of the reasons he took him off his mum was because she bought a guy back but yet that’s what he’s going to be doing.

 

But the other part of me knows he will get his karma and it’s only make me feel better short term.

 

Do you all reckon his reasoning for breaking up to ‘focus on court and his son’ was a lie then? Was he just really bored of me? If I hadn’t of suggested a break so he could focus on the court and his son would he have stuck around or just ended it at a later date?

There’s so many questions I’ll never get the answer too. He’s clearly not mature enough to be a father and cares more about getting laid than his child.

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"Clicking" is surface level attraction. If you want to have/seek a sustaining relationship, one that is healthy and nurturing for you, you need to focus deeper and look further -- shared values, morals, etc. All that "clicking' is usually the honeymoon stage when both are on a high and people are on their best behavior. All that means nothing. So, forget the superficial and pay attention to what your standards and boundaries are moving forward. Start working on what you believe you deserve and what you will not tolerate. Settling is not an option.

 

It's pretty disturbing that you believe you met your match when off the bat he was already presenting himself as a liar.

 

I believed all of the ‘I really like you I didn’t want to put you off me’ and all that. If I had of known it was three weeks since he’s broken up with his baby momma before I became invested I wouldn’t have gone near him. By the time that I knew I’d already met the kid and had started faking for him

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