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My ex has moved on, but still checks up on me


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My ex broke up with me back in November. She decided not to come to dinner on my birthday as things were rocky, and after 2 weeks of her being aloof, I finally spoke to her on the phone and she ended things. I accepted her reasons for breaking up, and I didn't beg or grovel. We didn't speak for almost 3 weeks, until I received a belated bday present from her in the mail.

 

Her parcel included a gift from her parents, so I felt I had to contact her to say thanks. We had a brief chat and I told her I was going travelling for 3 months. It was fine, and we said maybe we'd catch up when I was back.

 

A few weeks of NC later (after Xmas and New Year), I was prepping for my trip. we had removed eachother on social media, and I had deleted all past convos from my phone. I was starting to feel OK, and accept that it wouldn't have worked in the long term.

 

I sent her a message asking if she could re-send me some work info that I had deleted. I probably shouldn't have but, at the time I felt comfortable enough to ask. She asked when I was leaving and again, we had a brief, but pleasant conversation, and she reiterated that we should catch up when I'm back. I still held out no real hope of this.

 

So I go off travelling and post IG stories. A few days in, I notice that she has watched all of them (despite not following me). At first I figured this could be for any reason, and didn't mean anything in particular. However, this continued for about 2 weeks, and I convinced myself that maybe she was up for reconnecting a little, so I just sent her a follow request, which she accepted.

 

I could now see her IG profile again, and it looks very much like she has moved on to a new guy. I'm fine with that, but I just couldn't understand why she would be so interested in what I'm doing, having let me go in the first place, not to mention knowing that I would be able to see her doing it.

 

I sent her a message saying that I readded because I thought she might want to reconnect, but obviously I was mistaken, and that she shouldn't check in on me like that, especially knowing that I would see her doing so. She told me to 'get over myself' and that me having messaged her since the breakup was equally confusing.

 

Again, this wasn't a reaction I was expecting of someone who ended a realtionship with me. I have no idea what to make of it.

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She checks up on you because you allow her to. Block her.

I would have, but to be honest I'm 6,000 miles away. If she wants to, she can. But why be interested in what I'm doing if she's moved on?

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She told me to 'get over myself'

Yes, I kind of agree with her. You complain about her checking up on you, but you're the one who "noticed" that she is watching your IG stories and stalking her profile. You need to move on rather than paying so much attention to every little thing she is doing and trying to analyse the reasons for it. She does it because she wants to. A more pertinent question is, why do you let her, and why do you care what her reasons are?

 

I have no idea what to make of it.

You should make a paper plane and throw it right at the trash can.

 

Then you should BLOCK her and move on with your life. Being 6000 miles away makes no difference. You need to block her so the kind of question "why did she do X Y or Z" doesn't even enter your mind.

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I'm not stalking her profile at all, though. In fact, I had removed her already. I guess I should have blocked her but given the reasons for the break up and the fact that we had had some amicable contact, I felt blocking her might seem vindictive. I don't really have any problem with her looking at what I'm doing, and I'm sure its just curiosity. But why would she be so interested in me, if she is already moved on?

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I would have, but to be honest I'm 6,000 miles away. If she wants to, she can. But why be interested in what I'm doing if she's moved on?

 

Again, because you allow her to. Block her and focus on your travels - you’ll regret it if all you remember was how much you worried about someone viewing your instagram story.

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But why would she be so interested in me, if she is already moved on?

Look, who gives 2 short planks of wood why she does ANYTHING that she does??? Let's just assume that she does it because she is emotionally unstable.

 

The bigger question is why are YOU so interested in HER? Why are you doing so many mental gymnastics trying to figure out why she is so interested in what you're doing? You're totally wasting your energy and emotion here. You should just forget about her. It's over. Move on. Blocking will help you to do that because you won't constantly be thinking "why did she do X Y or Z?".

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Yeah I know you're right. Difficult not to when you're emotionally invested in the situation tho. I guess that's why I'm wondering. Its inconsistent and confusing. And I still love her.

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I don't really have any problem with her looking at what I'm doing, and I'm sure its just curiosity. But why would she be so interested in me, if she is already moved on?

 

I think you answered your own question here. Disconnect from her IG and tighten up your account privacy so you won't have to wonder anymore.

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CantTakeMySmile

I sent her a message saying that I readded because I thought she might want to reconnect, but obviously I was mistaken, and that she shouldn't check in on me like that, especially knowing that I would see her doing so.

 

 

Why do you assume you were mistaken? Maybe she did want to be friends, until you said she should "check" on you.

 

 

Also, I am not social media savvy, how do you know she looked at your Instagram?

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Quit making excuse to contact. You are more vested in this than she is.

 

NC means NC. At this point you aren't even close.

 

She dumped you remember?

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I sent her a message saying that I readded because I thought she might want to reconnect, but obviously I was mistaken, and that she shouldn't check in on me like that, especially knowing that I would see her doing so.

 

 

Why do you assume you were mistaken? Maybe she did want to be friends, until you said she should "check" on you.

 

 

Also, I am not social media savvy, how do you know she looked at your Instagram?

 

It shows you who has viewed. Bear in mind she didn't do this until about 2 months after. And it wasn't just once or twice, it was every single day. It seemed strange. I didn't think it was her wanting to get back together, but maybe just looking to reconnect a little bit which, despite not having spoken for a long time, I was happy to do. I was just very puzzled when I then found out she was seeing someone new, but would still make the emotional effort to look me up everyday. It is a weird thing to do.

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Quit making excuse to contact. You are more vested in this than she is.

 

NC means NC. At this point you aren't even close.

 

She dumped you remember?

 

Yeah, she did. I haven't made any real effort to win her back though. I mean, I had very much accepted it but in the back of my mind I always had the 'what if' feeling, which I think is natural.

 

When we split she told me she needed time by herself, which I have given her. If she checked up once or twice I can understand that, but tbh it does take some emotional effort to do it every day for two weeks, knowing I'd see it. Naturally it made me feel like she wanted to reconnect, which I was happy to do. It was seeing that she had a new guy which puzzled me as to why she would expend the effort every day.

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Thingsfallapart

If she wasn’t added to your followers on Insta how did she view your stories...

You can only view people’s stories that you’re following, right?

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If she wasn’t added to your followers on Insta how did she view your stories...

You can only view people’s stories that you’re following, right?

 

If the account isn't "private ", you can just go on the profile and view stories without following it I think

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If she wasn’t added to your followers on Insta how did she view your stories...

You can only view people’s stories that you’re following, right?

 

No, if its a public profile anyone can view it. I use it for work so I can't really make it private.

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No, if its a public profile anyone can view it. I use it for work so I can't really make it private.

 

Your options are to block her or deal with it

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CantTakeMySmile

But what I don’t get is ... so she looked at your social media... you were cool with that... but then wanted her to stop? Did you just want her to stop because she is with

A new man?

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It shows you who has viewed. Bear in mind she didn't do this until about 2 months after. And it wasn't just once or twice, it was every single day. It seemed strange. I didn't think it was her wanting to get back together, but maybe just looking to reconnect a little bit which, despite not having spoken for a long time, I was happy to do. I was just very puzzled when I then found out she was seeing someone new, but would still make the emotional effort to look me up everyday. It is a weird thing to do.

 

It does not take emotional effort to look up an IG story. Emotional effort would have been her contacting you directly. Why is your profile public? Is that in hope that she would one day look and see what you're up to? Because the easiest way to not over think this would be to private your profile.

 

It is not weird to be curious what your ex is up to, like at all. I've done it, you're doing it now, I've had exes, cousins and friends who have done it..surely you know people who have engaged in that kind of behavior. It's a very passive, minimal effort way to look into someone's life, and very easy to do when a person has no restrictions on their profile. My ex made his profile public...and I know he wanted me to look and guess what I did look. Eventually I lost interest altogether, but the point is it was curiosity/nosiness, and accessibility that "made" me do it.

 

You are still struggling with the end of the relationship and that is understandable. Best thing to do to move on, is make yourself unaccessible so you don't have incidents of this sort taking up head space/tugging at your emotions.

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You still love her. You want this to mean something.

 

All it means is that she has fuzzy boundaries. It means she likes knowing what you are up to & because you used to date she feels like you are "friends." She is one of those people that doesn't think breaking up means separating so that you don't send mixed messages & give false hope to your EX.

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Don't make too much of it. It's kind of human nature to be curious. It's not the best impulse, and it's something social media has made a bigger problem. It's a bad thing to do and to know someone else is doing because you begin posting to get a reaction from them. This is why most people are going to advise you just block her and not look at hers either and just move on. It will make it easier for both of you in the long run to move on.

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Hi there OP. here, since we're in a bit of a same situation here... Let me tell you a little piece of advice.

 

My ex of 2 years (broke up 3+ months ago and i did NC immediately) never looks at my FB stories when we were still together. He was inactive like that. 2 months after the breakup i deactivated my fb account for 1 whole month. When i activated it again, i posted an fb story of my dog and i was weirded out when i saw him viewing my story too. I didnt mind it at first because i thought maybe he just clicked it accidentally :lmao: Then the next day, i posted a random photo on my fb story, and there he was again! At first, i thought maybe he wants to reconnect? Maybe he's curious?And just like your ex, yes he is dating someone too 2 weeks after the break up until now. So yeah, i found it weird too.

 

But then, what really happened? I got my hopes up again thinking maybe he misses me,regretted his decision, etc. Where did that take me? Back to day 1. So i quit analyzing why he did that. I did not contact him because i know it will break my progress. So i stopped. The next time i posted something, he viewed it again but i didnt care anymore whatever his reason was. Only he knows. Not me, not anybody in this forum. And what's the big deal anyway? I'm doing so much better now, you're doing so much better. They're not a part of our lives anymore, so why bother? Focus on yourself, enjoy every moment, dont let it bother you. It will only hinder your progress everytime you do so. :)

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Straight after we broke up, I removed her on IG, and in retaliation, she removed me on FB (both private profiles, so nothing can be seen/checked). Her IG is private, so I can't see anything she does. My IG is public cos I'm a photographer and I like to direct people to it, much like many people.

 

When I thanked her for the gift she said 'you unfollowed me on IG so I deleted you on FB' which I thought was bloody silly. I said it was obv not spiteful and just to help me move on. She understood.

 

It was about 2 months later that she started looking at my IG incessantly, and it seems to have coincided with this new relationship.

 

THIS IS MY QUESTION: Why would someone start checking on on their ex as soon as they start a new relationship?

 

I can understand that you'd be curious about your ex, but its the timing that is super weird.I never really thought to block her, and tbh I don't have an issue with being connected again. But still, why do it just when you're getting a new bf?

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I should add that there are plenty of people whom I am able to check on and I would love to, but I never have, because I wouldn't want to give the impression I was thinking about them, stalking them.

 

Its a blatant way to do it, and SHE KNOWS I WILL SEE IT. This is the thing. Maybe its not coming accross right but she is prone to attention seeking (cryptic fb statuses, complaining about being ill)... this is kinda why I got pissed off, cos I gave her the benefit of the doubt in thinking it was for a nice reason, but really it just kinda seems like she's on the wind up.

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