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Lost as to the real reasons she left - your take?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 6th February 2018, 5:47 PM   #1
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Lost as to the real reasons she left - your take?

Hey guys, I'm new here and would like your take on my story. I try to give enough info about this 4-year relationship. What do you make of this?

I am 37 and she is 43. She has a daughter, 23, and I don't have a kid. We've been trying to have a baby: one reason why we moved in together this past July. Broke up was mid-Oct. Relationship has been for 4 years. Also heard that she resigned from her last job, 4 days after the breakup. But I knew weeks before that she got a job offer and could start in dec. but I assume she started earlier than expected.

Three things she told me when we had our last talk and that stuck are: "I am not happy" and "I'm not going to change" and "love is not enough". She has what I believe to be anger issues; told me she was in an abusive relationship right before me. I'm myself been back to school and completing a Phd - this year - did whatever I could to make her happy, which includes spending the not-so-much money I have doing activities with her. Another thing is that when we moved in she complained I didn't participate enough in household tasks, which I dispute, however when I asked for us to sit and distribute roles (laundry, cooking, trash, etc.) she wouldn't. She would fold the trash bags before she leaves in the morning: this is how I knew it was my role. When I offered that we cook together she would always say it's too late that she is almost done. To a point where I was kind of lost. The way I see things in general is we sit and discuss and allocate tasks. Her way is, "you should know what you have to do", which she has already told me in the past.

To tell the whole thing: I think I spoiled her, put her on a pedestal and now she feels entitled. All 4 years, I have offered her birthdays gifts without her reciprocating under the pretext that I told her it wasn't a big deal for me to have any. Whereas she did say the same thing but I gave her gifts anyways because I wanted to do that.

At one point relationship soured when I told her no gift to me is no gift to her. She was upset but we kept going. I thought she would change her mind and be more sharing in that department. I observe that she would mostly do something for me if she is in it or somehow benefits from it. As in paying for a restaurant or wines or doing bot of us our laundry, etc.

Now to the situation:
- Mid-October we got back from a week-end in a city 5-hour away from where we live. She was driving. At one point we stopped at a resting area where, lacking lucidity, I opened the passenger door and it barely scratched the car next to us. The owner didn't do much of a complain since there was really nothing or not much to complain about. It's her car, so she started to complained, talking to me as to a kid, yelling at me. I responded with equal reaction, asking her to stop since there's been no consequence to my act. She kept doing it even when we left the area. I responded with withdrawing, being silent all the way back home.

- We then both got in a radio silence, in the same apt, for 2 weeks following that event: I thought she disrespected me and was expecting if not a formal apology, a behaviour that means so. Maybe she felt the same. So 2 weeks later, to try to discuss things over, I told her we need to fix things as we now live together and can't continue that way; that we have all these projects of buying a house, having a baby, travelling, etc. She said to me: "let's part ways" to which I responded "when are you leaving?" She answered "tomorrow". And she did. Another element of context is she was complaining of the quality of the apt. and the building we were living in. The thing is she is the one who picked the apt. and the building. I told her I agree about the non-quality of the apt. but let's save some money and then move out to buy a house instead of renting once again. Besides, I don't like moving out and moving in again and again.

After 3 months of no contact, I reached out to her daughter and asked her to tell her mother I have to get my stuff at her place in a city where we both lived before moving in together. Those are big boxes full of books and memorabilia of importance to me. Her daughter told me she wouldn't respond to her either. The daughter later got back to me and said her mother doesn't want me to have her new phone number and that I have her email address. Her daughter ended the conversation with a "Good luck!".

Two weeks later, she responded to my email and offered a date and a time for me to get my stuff. It will be in 2 weeks.

Another thing is when she left the apt., she kept the mailbox keys and for 3 months would for once a week come back to the building and slip my mails under the apt. door. I asked her 2 weeks ago to give me those keys back or give me one copy. She did it by slipping the keys under the door. She has since got mails and as I emailed her how she would want to take these emails, she hasn't answered.

Do I want to get back to her or not is not my question. I just want your take as to why she would act like this, what do you think is the motive of all this.

Thanks for your time and insights!
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Old 6th February 2018, 6:04 PM   #2
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I know people like to think theres some big convoluted reason that people want to break up, but its usually as simple as what she told you. She isnt happy. Simple as that.
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Old 6th February 2018, 6:07 PM   #3
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She sounds like an absolute nightmare. Run and never look back!
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Old 6th February 2018, 6:21 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Whodatdog View Post
I know people like to think theres some big convoluted reason that people want to break up, but its usually as simple as what she told you. She isnt happy. Simple as that.
I sort of understand what you're saying but "happiness" is a concept. It has to have meaning. Same thing for |unhappiness".

In a relationship we give reasons for the decisions we make, otherwise it doesn't make sense and we just stay alone. Even when we are alone, there are reasons for that...
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Old 6th February 2018, 6:22 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by HumanMachine View Post
She sounds like an absolute nightmare. Run and never look back!
Thanks for your feedback but could you elaborate?
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Old 7th February 2018, 3:01 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by benjamin2018 View Post
Thanks for your feedback but could you elaborate?
What is there to elaborate on? You paint the picture of an irritable, miserable woman who doesn't communicate well and frankly doesn't care to.

What were the causes of conflict in your relationship? She was not happy with you for some reason, but you would know what that is better than any of us.
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Old 7th February 2018, 9:50 AM   #7
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She doesn't respect you and isn't happy. You need to move on.

There could be any number of reasons for that.
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Old 7th February 2018, 10:42 AM   #8
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This, @Chassmash, I don't understand. She used to say that she envies me because I'm a very lucky person: my looks, my family background, my education, my career in the making..

So I don't get why she wouldn't respect me. I feel betrayed and that it the sentiment that is killing me right now. I've loved her and given her my whole while I fell that she didn't do the same: actually and a posteriori.

I'm not a vengeful person (she is!) as I don't see the purpose of it but it grows on me. I feel much better after a couple of months now. I don't have any issue having women (not to brag, my mother says I am not ugly...) but what is also killing me is i made plans around us: kids, buying a house, travelling to visit our families in other parts of the world, etc.
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Old 7th February 2018, 10:56 AM   #9
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I've just been dumped also. And of course it hurts. And in some ways it's mysterious. Maybe she net someone else. Maybe she is having a mental breakdown. Maybe she got sick of your niceness.

Who knows. It's pretty irrelevant anyway.

What you should know is that life will go on if you let it. You will just go down a different, maybe better, path. She is allowed to make her decision. But you dont have to spend months and years upset by it. Move forward and embrace your new future.

And yeah, it's easy to say. But we both need to accept it.
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Old 7th February 2018, 12:35 PM   #10
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It doesn't sound like either one of you were happy after awhile...sorry that you didn't get the appreciation you wanted. It is hard to find a good match when you are a caring individual. I like to feel appreciated too since I can be very giving with my time and my thoughts on a person I care about. It is the pits when the other person just doesn't even realize how much you put into caring-but you do it because you are built that way and like caring for someone the way that you do, and are hoping to meet someone who feels the same way as you do...I haven't managed to communicate without words yet and make anything work well for me either...it is hard out there...I hope you feel better soon, sorry you are hurting.
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Old 7th February 2018, 2:22 PM   #11
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The hardest thing to understand, when you love someone and want to have a life and kids with them, is that they just dont feel the same. There is nothing you can do about it, no matter how hard you want to. That feeling you have for her? She doesnt have it for you. In order to have a relationship, both have to want it. You do, she doesnt. Its that simple.
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Old 7th February 2018, 7:30 PM   #12
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I assume that you both are not married. Sounds like the both of you need to communicate, be honest with one another about both of your expectations. I hope you speak with a counselor, pastor or minister that can offer you wise and long-term, effective advise. You don't want to second guess her behaviors and you need to ensure that your heart and mind is free from guilt, bitterness and unforgiveness.
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Old 7th February 2018, 7:50 PM   #13
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I can't understand why you'd want yo hang onto this ****ing nightmare?

Do you have codependency issues?
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Old 7th February 2018, 7:55 PM   #14
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You want to know why because you think maybe you could fix it, I guess. She's done. Doesn't even want to deal with you anymore. She doesn't sound like such a great person to be with, one way and all that. When someone isn't reciprocating, they probably aren't all that happy or all that into you. Maybe she was using you. No way for me to know that. Maybe just killing time with you. Or maybe she was happy and did care, but she hit the wall and realized it wasn't enough, which is how she said it. There are lots of people who can love each other but can't live together. Sorry, but best just get her crap back to her via mail or whatever and move on and don't even try to communicate.
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Old 7th February 2018, 9:19 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by benjamin2018 View Post
This, @Chassmash, I don't understand. She used to say that she envies me because I'm a very lucky person: my looks, my family background, my education, my career in the making..

So I don't get why she wouldn't respect me. I feel betrayed and that it the sentiment that is killing me right now. I've loved her and given her my whole while I fell that she didn't do the same: actually and a posteriori.

I'm not a vengeful person (she is!) as I don't see the purpose of it but it grows on me. I feel much better after a couple of months now. I don't have any issue having women (not to brag, my mother says I am not ugly...) but what is also killing me is i made plans around us: kids, buying a house, travelling to visit our families in other parts of the world, etc.
This is why. Because you were happy to give more than you received and she lost respect for you as a result. Once she started to lose respect, she began to test your manhood and you failed by putting up with the nightmare she became.

Women will test you especially if they are unsure. If you force them to take on the masculine role they become resentful and act like she does. You have to be willing to walk if your terms are not met.

Don't play tit for tat, but do evaluate the return on your investment and drop it if you ROI is negative.

When I was in my 20s I dated this girl. One night when we were talking and some of her past came up. She said she had used guys to get her stuff and drive her around. I asked her why she never tried that with me. Her response "Because I know I couldn't get away with it". She respected me.

Don't act in such a way that a woman loses respect.
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