Is he stringing me along?

[BUBS]

As the story always goes, we were doing really well. He seemed pretty sure of what he wanted from the start. He asked me to be monogamous very quickly, and I met his family and friends pretty much immediately afterwards. We discussed our positions on relationships, what we were looking for and so forth and it both seemed clear we wanted something long term and serious.

 

January was a difficult month for us. We took a weekend away in New York and I had a moment of over drinking and not eating in which I got emotional and kind of addressed my fears about his age (hes 4 years younger than I am) my desires to eventually get married and have children, and the concern that he would not be in a place for that due to being younger and not wanting to waste either of our times. He was reassuring and we resolved the issue. But from there on I felt overly insecure that I pushed him into thinking about a future far too early on in the relationship instead of waiting till that was a bigger deal.

 

I’ll get to the point. I felt myself becoming more insecure and emotional. I felt him mildly pulling away throughout January. I didn't know if it was my insecurity or if there was a shift in his character. As a psychology graduate something just started to feel off.

 

Fast forward to the Monday before last. I felt like it would be good to give him time to breathe since I had been getting more irritable with him lately from stress. So we had agreed to take the Tuesday to look for a new car for him so on Monday I decided I’d meet up with a male friend of mine whom my partner has met several times, and my male partners girlfriend of 7 years.

 

My s.o was at work when I decided to meet my friends for a late lunch at a local bar we always hang out at. I snapchatted my boyfriend a picture of my salad on top of the bar. I snapped a video of a man with an interesting hair do from across the bar that was much older. The next thing I know my boyfriend was accusing me of keeping the fact that I was at the bar from him, and saying he had an issue with the male presence in my life. It kind of came out of nowhere so I began to assume that maybe he was projecting his own guilt for something he was doing behind my back or just looking for an out. Instead of enjoying my time with my friend I immediately got to work on fixing the situation. Sending text after text reassuring and taking responsibility for any misunderstanding. When I didn't receive a response I sent him a goodnight text, only to go on snapchat a minute later and see that he had posted a video of himself watching TV to his story. I became upset. I had explained numerous times that I found it to be deeply disrespectful to post on social media in the middle of me having to wait on a response especially if it was during a heated conversation. So he was aware this would upset me. It just all felt, in my drunken rage at that point, like he was looking for an out. So I gave him one, I told him that we were done and went to sleep. I know this was my mistake, and theres no reason to ever throw out breaking up in the heat of the moment. I take full responsibility for that.

 

The following morning bright and early I sent out texts to him apologizing sincerely and telling him I absolutely did not mean it, but that he was entitled to not want the relationship to continue based on me threatening a break up. I told him I cared about him, wanted to resolve it, and so forth. I didn't hear back that day which was not like him. The following day I reached out again to ask if he was okay, and then the war began so to speak. At first it made sense to me what he was saying. He implied he was hurt, and that I tossed him aside like he was disposable and that he didn't know what to do.

 

I was respectful of this feeling and told him I wished there was something I could do to rectify my behavior but I was doing my best. Send novels of texts reassuring that I value him greatly as a person and wanted to make it work but that I wouldn't force his hand because it seemed he was finished with me.

 

He would go back and forth throughout the day. It seemed whenever I suggested that I understood and would move on without him and deal with my mistakes, he would say that we could fix it and the second I would comply with that he would immediately go back to not knowing again. After almost 48 hours and novels of texts we were both burnt out. I thought he was looking for me to just reassure him as much as possible but it became clear that he was blowing the situation far out of proportion. Saying things like he doesn't make me happy, he didn't deserve me, I dodged a bullet, and he was useless, and that I didn't care... it left me with the impression that he was looking for an out yet again without having to feel like the bad guy because I was absolutely reassuring and proving that none of those things were true at all. Yes I was wrong for breaking up in the heat of the moment, but I was clearly fighting for him and us and he was talking nonsense by the end of it. I finally sent him long texts- that it was clear we weren't getting anywhere, he wasn't expressing an interest in meeting up to speak in person about it and while I wanted to be with him it was beginning to feel like he did not know what he wanted and I was just stroking his ego sotospeak, especially when the initial break up occurred because I felt as if he was looking for an out to begin with, which he had been informed of at this point.

 

He then told me he wasn't done with us, and that I needed to tell him if I was, as if I hadn't said that enough. He told me he believed we could work on things if we “did things right” but that he had a long work day and we would discuss after. I told him I wasn't finished and waited 10 hours for his next text.

 

That evening I got a text from him that basically implied he wasn't sure if he was done or not yet again. That he was overwhelmed by the situation and hurt and needed space to cool off. And that we would speak “soon”. I was frustrated at this point. I asked him to clarify what he meant by speak “soon” and in regards to taking space. If it meant cooling off, or if it meant we see other people in the mean time and its considered a break for now, which I absolutely wasn't going to entertain. He responded back with hostility saying he was in the busiest part of his work week (days in which we normally hang out together) and that he didn't know when we would get together so I guess we were done if I couldn't handle that. I tried to reply again saying I had a right to clarify and so forth and I didn't hear back from him. Then his brothers girlfriend snapchatted a video of him shotgunning beers on his "busy work night". I assumed that meant the relationship was over.

 

Two days later with no word, I had unfollowed him on social media and decided to try and go out with my friend. I tweeted a quote from my friend and the following morning he “liked’ the tweet. I didn't say anything to him about it, but it obviously frustrated me as I hadn't heard back from him. But I left it be. I downloaded tinder. To give myself an ego boost later that evening and sure enough my ex popped up almost immediately. This frustrated me as he had said he didn't want to see other people and so forth but I figured hey, if I’m on it he can be too. I swiped right just for the hell of it and he immediately matched with me. And then immediately unmatched me. I felt it was passive aggressive but again, left it be.

 

Still didn't actually hear from him. On Sunday I fell into a fever and had to go to the hospital to find out I had pneumonia and was being admitted. I tweeted about my frustrations over this and didn't hear from him. So I assumed the social media attention was a fluke because if he had any inkling of care for me he would've reached out to wish me well I thought. The following day (yesterday) I was pretty restless and bored at the hospital. Mildly delirious as well, so I posted on facebook, I had forgotten we were even friends on there since I dont normally use that outlet of social media but was trying to avoid twitter because of him. I posted a sob thing with mild humor about being messed up where I had to listen to a coldplay song twice a day. He liked the post, and then unliked it about a half hour later.

 

I was pretty upset with this. I decided to send him a text and confronted him asking if he was trying to pour salt in my wounds or what his angle was.

 

He eventually replied that I keep blowing up when hes considering if we should try again (which I approached him civilly about it)… he continued with “now you’ve already taken to tinder again and its probably better for you to find someone who makes you happy and treats you the way I couldnt. I’m sorry I am who I am but talking to you hurts cause I didn't want to lose you, you just wildly assume things and its something I’m unsure if I can deal with. You are going out, you deleted me on snap, its safe to say you're very over me while I’ve been empty for days. But keep assuming the worst its gotten us this far. I’ll unfollow you on social media, sorry I sent out feelers”

 

I confronted him and told him it wasn't fair to put all of it on me. That he had never replied back to me after saying he was done. That he was on tinder as well and was playing games by trying to get my attention on social media. That it was very much hypocritical to accuse me of wildly assuming things while in the same breath saying it was clear I was over him when I had been doing nothing but begging for him back for a week to be met with silence. I told him that he was aware I wanted to be with him and resolve the situation but that I respected his feelings and didn't understand the hot and cold behavior. I told him I cared about him but if he was going to tell me to keep it moving thats exactly what I was going to do. That I felt like the whole thing was blown out of proportion. Suddenly he didn't want to be together not because I hurt him and he feared me breaking up with him again as he initially said, it was because he didn't know if he could “handle me”

 

This all left me with the impression that he was looking for any reason in the world for the relationship to end while trying not to be the bad guy, potentially stringing me a long till he was sure he was 100% done and playing games type thing.

 

I told him I would mail him his things, that I didn't want the tension anymore with him and that I was dropping whatever bad blood occured. I sent a video of us happy two weeks ago and told him i’d prefer to remember us that way. I didn't expect to hear from him. I gave him the out he seemed to want. He only seemed to be interested in me when it looked like I was moving on.

 

This morning I woke up to a text from him that read “Please stop saying I want you with someone else. I dont want that. BUT I know I dont make you happy and I need to not be so selfish anymore. I dont want you to mail my things. That video just made me cry. I just wish I knew what the right thing to do here was”

 

I poised myself for a moment in seeing that he was still saying he was unsure, that I should be with someone else or not with him and so forth. There was nothing in it about wanting to resolve the situation. So I replied with chipper just about his things saying “Of course I’ll mail them dont be silly lol I’m not going to steal ur things.”

 

He replied “You suck. I was saying dont mail them because I was hoping you’d want to actually talk. but I get it. Please get well asap.”

 

This was frustrating for me, because all I’ve been doing is trying to meet up and talk with him the whole week. And he refuses to give me an answer as to when or if he would like that. So I answered simply “You could of said that. If you want to talk we can talk”

 

Then he replied “Just get better please” and I havent heard from him since. I’m afraid if I reach out to him the next time and more time passes hes just going to go back on it and say “I dont think its best we meet up” “I dont know how I feel” etc etc.

 

Hes just all over the place. After Thursday when he went from saying he wasn't done and we could work it out and then going back on it I am concerned hes doing the same thing now. I guess I feel as though he only mentioned meeting up to talk because I was behaving in manner to which it came off like we were done. It seems a lot of his behavior is driven by whether or not I’m feeding his ego.

 

Any insight would be greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance!

[d0nnivain]

My only insight is that the lousy mediums you chose added to all the drama. You can't have a fight over text or social media. You have to talk to the person & communicate with them in the flesh or at least through voice. You lost every opportunity for non verbal communication here -- which as a psychology student you should know is like 90% of all human interaction. Now you have this mess.

 

 

Meet. Talk. Stop fight through any medium other then voice & you can probably fix half your problems.

[Zahara]

Text messaging is for: Can you grab some milk from the store? I'm running late, be there in 5. Let the dog out please.

 

You don't manage relationship matters over text. Pick up the phone and speak to each other. Most of this could have been avoided.

 

If you believe he/relationship is worth saving, stop with the passive aggressive games and come out right and tell him that you are willing to talk and want to save this. Suggest/ask him for a day and time to speak face to face or phone (no texting). If he doesn't bite, then let it go.

[BUBS]

Yes I agree with you both. And I genuinely have tried to meet up with him instead of doing this over phone but it just somehow kept going and going and I couldn't get him to commit to wanting to speak in person. I'm aware that most of our issues could be resolved in person but he keeps saying he wants to and then will not set a time or place for it to happen.

[Zahara]

Yes I agree with you both. And I genuinely have tried to meet up with him instead of doing this over phone but it just somehow kept going and going and I couldn't get him to commit to wanting to speak in person. I'm aware that most of our issues could be resolved in person but he keeps saying he wants to and then will not set a time or place for it to happen.

 

Yes, all over text. Too much drama with the novels while a resolution is getting lost somewhere in the middle.

 

Pick up the phone and call him. Tell him what you want and that you would like to give the relationship a chance. Suggest/ask him to meet/speak on the phone. Let him hear your voice. Then if he declines or stays vague, you can lay this to rest and move on, knowing that you did your best.

Edited February 6, 2018 by Zahara

[HumanMachine]

Facebook.. snapchat.. liked my post.. viewed my snap.. posted a quote on twitter.. posted on facebook..

 

Arghhhhhhhhhhh

[BUBS]

Like I said, after he told me this morning that he didnt want me to mail his things because he was hoping we could actually meet and talk I told him I wanted to. I asked when would be the best time to meet in the next week if he had availability for a little while and he never responded or answered me.

 

I just have this horrible sinking feeling in my gut. And I’m usually right about those instincts when I get it. He has off today, so there isn’t many reasons why he couldn’t answer me other then him sitting on it trying to figure out a way to tell me its not gonna happen with out being the jerk that went back on and forth on the girl based on his insecurities, guilt and ego for over a week while she’s sick as balls and her life is falling apart in the hospital.

[CaliBabe]

I want to be sensitive to how you are feeling right now but isn't the proof in the pudding. Its right in front of you. You don't need him to verbally tell you he doesn't want to be with you anymore, its obvious in his actions. When a man wants to be with a woman he will be. Its really that simple. The confusion is a method of stringing you along while he is out having his fun on tinder and gosh knows where else. And the worst part is you are allowing him to. Cut the connection and implement NC right now! He does not get to treat you like a second option, you are better than that. The whole I don't know yet and not meeting with you IS YOUR ANSWER RIGHT THERE!

 

Walk away with your dignity and do not allow the games.

[d0nnivain]

Like I said, after he told me this morning that he didnt want me to mail his things because he was hoping we could actually meet and talk I told him I wanted to. I asked when would be the best time to meet in the next week if he had availability for a little while and he never responded or answered me.

 

I just have this horrible sinking feeling in my gut. And I’m usually right about those instincts when I get it. He has off today, so there isn’t many reasons why he couldn’t answer me other then him sitting on it trying to figure out a way to tell me its not gonna happen with out being the jerk that went back on and forth on the girl based on his insecurities, guilt and ego for over a week while she’s sick as balls and her life is falling apart in the hospital.

 

You broke up with him. Then you immediately downloaded Tinder . . . like being with another guy while wondering if this relationship was over was going to make things better. Geesh.

 

Of course you have a sinking feeling because you did everything possible to torpedo this. Novels of text were mistakes.

 

If he won't see you now, that is your answer -- it's over. Understand it came to this because both of you failed to communicate effectively with each other.

 

My only suggestion is you communicate the following to him:

 

The only way for us to fix this & move forward is to meet in person & talk it out. I want that. Please give me a time & place.

 

If you don't get a meeting, walk away.

[BUBS]

Yeap. I guess I ruined it by partaking in trying to fix things through text.

 

Still don't get, when I gave him so many options to just walk away why he would feel the need to still push to meet up only to ignore me and blow it off when I inquired about availability but I guess its what I was saying before.

 

Thanks for the support and responses guys.

[CantTakeMySmile]

she’s sick as balls and her life is falling apart in the hospital

 

 

Your life was not falling apart if you took the time and energy to get on facebook. I don't believe you "forgot" you were facebook friends. You wanted to post something so he would see it and solicit a response.

 

 

Please tell me why you would go onto all those social media medium to try to get responses from him? I honestly do not understand that. May I ask your ages?

 

 

And getting on Tinder? WHAT?!? I thought you liked him? Do you need that much validation that you can't go without a swipe?