Was it the ex? Or is she being truthful?

[LonelyJedi]

Hello all -

 

I met this girl on Tinder about a month ago. We went on a date that night and we saw each other almost every day after that. We hit it off really well. She would instantly respond to my messages, double-text me a lot, text me every morning, etc. I met her parents on our second date and they absolutely loved me. They were so excited that their daughter was dating somebody so good and the girl I was seeing kept telling me how perfect I am. The girl's mother even told her to "not f*** this up, he is perfect". The girl's mother couldn't stop talking about me to her friends & family. I asked her (the girl) if she was OK with this and she said she loved that her mother finally approved of somebody she was seeing. She would always make a huge effort to see me... even when she was really sick with a cold! We would always stay up until 1am and just talk and hang out. After the third date or so she wanted to have sex and since I planned on making her my girlfriend I went along with it.

 

I found out that she and her ex of 3yrs still work together. He is an auto detailer and she is the manager there. They would constantly breakup during their relationship with the final break-up occurring last November. The girl would always tell me how much she hates her ex and how much of an a**hole he is. I believed her based on her tone behind it. She did tell me how her ex managed to get a new girl very shortly after their 3yr relationship ended and lied to her about it. They still work together, however.

 

 

This is where things got derailed very quickly:

 

Friday:

Just a few days ago, we made plans to see each other on Wednesday. She had to re-schedule due to a funeral and her brother coming in town and her family wanted everyone together. This bummed me out, but I understood and it didn't bother me. We re-scheduled for Friday, to which she was excited to oblige. That morning she texted me how she couldn't wait for tonight and go out with me. She said she would text me after work.

A couple hours before we were going to hangout, after she got off work, she texts me saying that she "wasn't really feeling up for doing anything that night" and that she "had a rough week and needs time to recoup". I literally SENSED physically that something was deeply wrong. I offered to re-schedule for Saturday, to which she accepted. She didn't text me for the rest of the day, which I thought was out of the ordinary since she constantly texted me non-stop.

 

Saturday:

When she finally got off work, she said I could head over to her house. She got ready and we headed out for our day on the town. Her mother texted her a couple times saying that "<my name> is awesome, grandma approves!" and "say hi to <my name>!". She drove and we had to get gas. She went inside to pay but left her phone in the cup holder. I saw that her ex had texted her. I never do this, but my instincts were telling me that something was not right, so I opened her phone and looked at the conversation. I remember seeing a text from him saying something about him wanting to "sit down with her and have a real conversation" but not having to "break things off with <my name>". She replied to him saying that she was planning on "sitting down with me and telling me how unsure she was feeling lately". Her ex replied back with "let me know when you are free" and she replied that she would. She came back into the car and I quickly put her phone back. As we were driving, I was controlling the music on her phone. He texted her with "So?" (hours later). I acted confused and asked why he was texting her... she told me that it was work-related that he is annoying her. My instincts instantly fired off saying she was lying.

 

We went to a restaurant and I asked her how work was that morning, briefly bringing up her ex (since they work together still). She told me that her ex-bf and his new girlfriend broke up last Wednesday and her ex told her during work on Friday afternoon. She told me she didn't care about this news and that it didn't affect her. In fact, she kept telling me how excited she was to reject him flat-out if he came crawling back to her. I just said, "it seems very convenient and dangerous that the first person he shares this news with is you.... especially since he knows about me". (She told me that she would brag about how great I was to everyone at her work). She reassured me that she was over him and that she had moved on.

 

We continued on our date night and everything seemed OK, but I still sensed something was amiss. She said she had to go to bed early since she wasn't getting much sleep recently, we ended our date at 7pm or so (when typically we would always end much later than that). She went into the house and we hugged/kissed goodbye multiple times. I told her that I really like her a lot, she reacted by hugging/kissing me tighter and responded with "I really like you too!". I then whispered, "...enough to be mine?"

 

She shuddered and said, "not yet". She said she was not ready for a relationship due to a "bad experience" (ex bf), but to be patient with her. I told her that I understood completely and that I also had a bad experience but I am willing to take the plunge with her. My instincts fired off again and translated her answers to that she is still undecided with her ex, especially being newly single again. She offered to hangout the next day, Sunday, to watch the SuperBowl. I told her yes and she told me to drive home safe and text her when I got home. I texted her when I got home due to the bad snow storm, but I never got a response like I usually did. I assumed she fell asleep.

 

Sunday:

I never got a text from her on Sunday. I texted her around 2pm saying that I hope she slept in well and asking her when she wanted to hangout and watch the Superbowl. She told me that she completely forgot about having plans with her best friend at her work to watch it. I just responded with "Okay, that's fine!". I never heard from her again that day.

 

 

Monday:

I never got a text from her until around 2pm. I received this text from her:

 

"Hey. Sorry I haven't texted you today. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I don't want to drag you through the mud and waste your time. I am not ready for a relationship and I don't know when I will be. I don't think we should continue to see each other. You are such an awesome person and I so enjoy your company, but I can't give you what you want. I really have to focus on myself. I highly doubt you'll want to talk to me, but I would like to remain your friend. I am so sorry, I hate hurting people since I am the one who always gets hurt."

 

I responded with:

"I am sorry to hear that. I assumed you were over your ex, but it appears not. I thought you hated him and had an on/off again relationship with him. Not sure why you would want that toxic relationship, but that is your decision."

 

She then got hostile:

"I am not going back to my ex. He has nothing to do with this. You asking me to be your girlfriend made me shut down. I can't be in a relationship right now, especially with him. F*** him. He's the reason I shut people out."

 

I replied:

"Okay, I apologize. I guess since we both really liked each other I thought it was OK. I had a fear it was too early, but I didn't want to wait too long either. I know you said you had a "bad experience", I did too. I just figured we could be exclusive and get through it together."

 

Last text I got from her:

"Trying to explain how I'm feeling is really hard. I just don't want to drag you through the mud with all my bulls***. You're at a different stage in life then me as well and that's great for you, but not so great for me..."

 

My final response:

"I didn't think there was any "mud" or "bulls***" you were dragging me through.... I was happy and accepted you for who you are"

 

 

After seeing that text from ex-bf on Saturday, I cannot shake this sick feeling in my gut. I perhaps should not have accused her of getting back with her ex, but I saw those texts on Saturday morning. I probably shouldn't have asked so soon, but I guess I wanted to see who she would have picked since her ex is now back in the picture.

 

Guess God gave me the sign I was praying for...

 

Your thoughts? My stomach has been churning for the past two days trying to figure out the truth. I keep going back to what she SAID to me (not ready for a relationship, I made her shut down), but then I keep remembering the sequence of events where she texted her ex-bf on Saturday morning BEFORE I asked her to be my girlfriend (Saturday night).

 

I feel guilty, but my instincts are telling me that I shouldn't be since she was trying to find a way to cut me out so she could reconcile with her ex... and possible use me to make her ex-bf jealous?

 

Thanks guys,

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Time will tell I guess. Either way, her feelings for you weren't strong enough to either sway her away from her feelings for her ex (she jumped into something with you very quickly after a 3 year relationship! I'm afraid you were a rebound), or sustain the relationship on their own.

 

Sorry this happened .

[CupCakess]

I think you are getting too worked up about someone you met a month ago.

 

These things happen. Sometimes you meet someone, have a great couple of weeks, and then nothing, they dissapear or suddenly wanna stop hanging out. Nothing you can do. These are not "relationships", they are flings.

 

Whether she is telling the truth or not, isn't really your concern. You don't really know her. Truth be told, at least she had the decency to formally end it, instead of simply ghosting you.

[Young mind]

I think it's old popular rebound situation, but it's very difficult for her because she can't cut contact completely because they work together, I'm sure it might Ben a slightly different situation if they didn't have to see each other many times.

 

I don't know who is the dumper here, she seems to be the one, and isn't very happy/ jealous that he got into a relationship faster that she could, thus her projecting this on you and trying to drag you in as much as possible, she's very much not over him.

 

I wouldn't put so much on what her family says because after a LTR ends, there are always two sides of the story, she will always make him the villain of the story, I was here once, and the next bf she brings will seem like the angel, the one to rescue her from her supposedly lost state.

 

She hasn't taken time to grieve this last relationship and it's barely to do with you, if you want an opinion, give her time and space, she's clearly asked for it, she knows you care for her, she probably is looking for closure or still in love with him, let her figure that out on her own.

 

Don't make the classic mistake of "being there", it will only hurt you and keep you stagnant.

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't get so hung up on why she ended it. You're driving yourself crazy over details that don't actually matter too much.

 

She isn't ready for a relationship with you. Whether it's because she is planning to return to her ex or because she just isn't ready to open her heart doesn't change the outcome for you, really.

 

Have you healed from your last relationship, though, OP? I remember you had a very tough time with your break-up. This latest event could be hitting you harder if you haven't taken enough time to recover from that.