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Ex tried to commit suicide, what responsibility do I have?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 9th February 2018, 4:25 PM   #31
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I agree that 38 is not 18.

However, this took me by surprise the more I think about it.

yes, I KNEW she had issues.

She seemed quite strong despite these things. I know, and any educated adult knows that mental illness is not something we choose. Aside from her drinking, I did witness her be pro active about her mental health while knowing her.

I witnessed her get treatment for her drinking problem. She did struggle with it though.

Her son is 18, and moved out and in with his other parent when he returned to our city two years ago with the woman he left her for years ago. I have never heard her utter a bad word about anyone in that situation, and remains cordial with her ex and new partner. She still sees her son regularly and supports him financially, but I can see now in hindsight how difficult that must have been for her.

Her family is highly dysfunctional, and they treat her horribly. Some outright verbal abuse and a lot of misunderstandings. She accepts her part and her role, and I have witnessed this, but these people do not give her a chance. She always smiled and said it was ok, but I know this has to hurt.

She has a group of friends she has been friends for 20 + years, but in her attempts to stop drinking, she has diseengaged for the most part. I have met these friends, and they are good people, , but they do drink heavily and don't understand her alcohol struggles. I know it took her a long time to realize and understand she had to seperate from them in order to get better....I also see now how lonely that must be for her.

She will do anything for anyone. I have seen her be taken advantage of. She is not stupid, but she always told me she would rather help people when they need it and be taken advantage of sometimes than not be there for those who need it.

She works a very demanding, depressing job. And she is quite good at what she does. Her work ethic surpasses most people.

She was in an accident several years ago that took the lives of several people. Was not her fault, but in hindsight I see how she goes on a drinking binge every year around that time that last 2-3 days.

She still laughs a lot and makes other people laugh all the time...her humor is one of the best things about her.

In hindsight though, I didn't think about how lonely she must be and how little support she has in reality.

I did not think my actions mattered that much in the grand scheme of things.

I absolutely do not hate her. I just did not think we were a good match and went no contact.

I didn't help anything. I don't think she did this because of " me". We broke up months ago, and after hearing more of the attempt, she meant what she was going to do and she had sent off several apology letters to people.

I don't know. She definitely has her flaws. She can be clingy, she DID get much too intoxicated on many occasions. She hates housework ( leaves dishes for a couple of days...leaves clothes on the floor )...is EXTREMELY disorganized ( always leaving things places, losing things etc).....but I was awful to her.

I spoke to her again and she is home now. I am going to see her this weekend, and I am going to talk to her about some things.

I think I owe her that.
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Old 9th February 2018, 4:43 PM   #32
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I spoke to her again and she is home now. I am going to see her this weekend, and I am going to talk to her about some things.

I think I owe her that.
Do you have anything specific you are going to talk to her about? I'm worried she might take your visit as hope you two will get back together.
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Old 9th February 2018, 6:50 PM   #33
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I would encourage you, once again, to stay away. You are wanting to contact her to appease your own guilt.

Picture this, you have your moments with this woman...explain your sorrow for treating her horribly. You hug her, maybe you both cry together....then, you walk away, again.
Do you really believe that she will have her epiphany of happiness and say, God speed...we'll always be friends...thank you, floatingaway.

Or worse, you will open the fresh wound and she will return to square one of her pain.

I know that your feelings of remorse for taking advantage of a wounded soul is bothering the mess out of you.

If you want to do something that is not selfish, leave her alone to heal and for once do not attempt to salve your guilt by asking for forgiveness.
Still shallow, still for you.
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Old 9th February 2018, 8:50 PM   #34
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you aren't responsible for her welfare even though by the sounds of it ...she actually took you on and gave you a roof over your head because as you posted you were "stuck"...so she took responisbilyt for you...sghe shouldnt have.. that was her mistake however she should have left you homeless....

you aren't responsible for her suicide attempt you are however responsible for your own actions ....you are responsible for what you do and say to others...if you cause harm to others ..damn oath you are responsible......you feel guilty because you should feel guilty ...you know you have done wrong...guilt is a sign of a conscience...you messed around slept with and took advantage of a mentally unwell woman with drinking issues...and yes mentally unwell people can be gentle and soft and kind,....too forgiving and too generous they can also hold down jobs support others and have many friends who love them....sounds like her huh....

a suicide attempt should never be taken lightly in the future dont assume its a cry for attention...like ever.....

maybe this situation has made you a more understanding person.....a person who is more apt to think before using someone for a place to stay and a root .....that ends up in an abortion clinic....

do not tell her to call you again as you have...leave her alone now and learn to treat people as you wish to be treated...no absolution from me...i think you arent a nice guy at all..you took advantage of a vulnerable woman drove her to an abortion that she paid for and drove her home after she had her guts ripped out...what a man..........


maybe you might be in the future..an actual nicer guy to women.....and more respectful....at the moment and from what you have written so blase.....nah i cant ...no comment...actually i will comment......i feel for her and im sending her good vibes and healing thoughts...get a vasectomy or date women your own age who arent of child birthing ages....im trying to remember we all make mistakes..horrible ones that hurt others and cause them extreme pain..........maybe if i chant that for a while i might mean these next two words.....best wishes.....nah...best wishes are for her.......

you need to mature more and realize what you are responsible for...then ill say best wishes to you...because if you ever feel what you have done was justified...you are going to hurt another....and i am sending vibes you act your age from now on and have some wisdom in you..ill pray for that........so you can float on......harmless instead harmful........deb
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Last edited by todreaminblue; 9th February 2018 at 8:59 PM..
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Old 9th February 2018, 9:18 PM   #35
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I would encourage you, once again, to stay away. You are wanting to contact her to appease your own guilt.

Picture this, you have your moments with this woman...explain your sorrow for treating her horribly. You hug her, maybe you both cry together....then, you walk away, again.
Do you really believe that she will have her epiphany of happiness and say, God speed...we'll always be friends...thank you, floatingaway.

Or worse, you will open the fresh wound and she will return to square one of her pain.

I know that your feelings of remorse for taking advantage of a wounded soul is bothering the mess out of you.

If you want to do something that is not selfish, leave her alone to heal and for once do not attempt to salve your guilt by asking for forgiveness.
Still shallow, still for you.
I wish I could like this a million times!! That is what I was saying in my last post.


OP, you didn't care enough not to treat her badly and use her, you didn't care enough not to dump her and never speak to her again, you didn't care enough when she got pregnant or got the abortion.
Why care for her now?
She doesn't need to appease your guilt. Leave her alone.
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Old 9th February 2018, 9:21 PM   #36
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So do I apologize?

She did not blame me in the email. She was very explicitly stating she was apologizing for being a horrible person.

She has some great qualities....but she drove me crazy.

I never intended to be serious with her and things just went on for a length of time. I moved in her not as a couple, but because I was stuck and she offered many times. She saw me recently with another woman and of course I received a message the next day in which she went on saying what she remembered about me was that she was not allowed to approach me in public but I still took her home at the end of the night...and that she had convinced herself that I treated everyone that way but seeing the way I was with the other woman showed her it wasn't true.

I feel badly about these things, but every situation is different. If an apology would help, I may reach out but how would it? and what would I even say?
floating away, you gave a lot of information in your OP but you left a lot out, too.

You already have written several times that you feel guilty and I'm not posting to make you feel more guilty. I am posting to try to contribute to helping you move on and to relieve your guilt. But more importantly I'm posting to encourage you to honor this human being who seems to have gotten very connected with you through being intimate, getting pregnant with your baby, and taking you into her home when you needed a place to stay.

The experience you had with her was very different than the one she had with you. You have stated she has drinking issues and is emotionally unstable.

You are very fortunate now, though, as she is also, since she wasn't successful in taking her life. You both have an opportunity to heal and move on.

In your place this is what I would do. I would write her a letter apologizing to her and telling her that though you aren't trying to continue a relationship with her if she has things she needs to say to you, you will meet with her in the office of a counselor so that she can process anything she needs to.

I have done this with someone in similar circumstances though he didn't make an attempt on his life. We did meet in a counselor's office so that the counselor could make sure things were done in such as way as to leave no doubt in his mind I never wanted any contact with him again. He was also able to process thoughts and feelings he had about me and the dating we did together.

That was it for me. I never responded or spoke to him again and never felt guilty about it.

I believe you could do this woman a great kindness by taking this step and I don't believe you would be leading her on by doing it.
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Old 9th February 2018, 11:26 PM   #37
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So, you told no one about the email she sent you until people were already looking for her?

Next time when someone that you know is a little unstable upstairs says for the first time that they are going to take their own life, call the police.

I agree the two of you aren’t a good match, but that never stopped you from getting it when ever you wanted it. But how calluses one has to be to ignore that email then when asked, well I did receive a disturbing email.

As you will be better off with out her. She most definitely will be better off with out you.

To think she took you in when no one else would. How you paid her back is wonderful.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 10th February 2018 at 7:46 AM..
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Old 9th February 2018, 11:34 PM   #38
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Yes a little sarcasm in my last post.

But you have to man up and face your responsibility in this.

You should feel guilty because you are old enough to know better.

You know she has problems and you keep bouncing in and out of her life whenever it suited you. Moved in with her, got her pregnant, had her abort and never was there for her when she needed you.

In my opinion you should feel guilty for this. Because you made her feel as though she was a horrible person.
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Old 10th February 2018, 12:50 AM   #39
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i was also harsh in my post....i apologise that i just cant be supportive of what you have done to a woman who was vulnerable......i don't think you have done the right thing by this lady from day dot..where as from the sounds of it......she cared for you.....

i do believe we as human beings have a duty of care towards others and i do believe a responsibility to be honest and have integrity towards others....and most of all ...to show kindness even when we dont feel it...i hope that maybe you might in the future do as living water put forward so gracefully an option for you....to help this lady find peace .....deb
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Old 10th February 2018, 1:06 AM   #40
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Not trying to 'dog on you' for the way you handled things with this lady,but just leave her alone now. No need to see her and start the insanity back up again. At least that's what I'd do. Wish her well and you both move on.
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Old 10th February 2018, 6:48 AM   #41
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Op,

Your lover had an abortion and you made her pay for it herself???
Wow, I am actually speechless...

Are you responsible? It seems you played a large part. You used her for sex and then threw her away like trash when you felt she became a burden.
You didn’t exactly break up in a nature way either. Over the phone?
You used her to give you a place to stay and help you financially...
You didn’t help or support her through the abortion either...
You treated her like trash and didn’t help her get through the abortion at all, you didn’t even try, so ofcourse you’re partly to blame.

Last edited by Thingsfallapart; 10th February 2018 at 6:54 AM..
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Old 10th February 2018, 6:12 PM   #42
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I can tell that you still care for her. I'm sorry you / she felt that you had to end the life of her baby. She should not make the mistake of trying to face this challenge alone. She should reach out to friends, family, neighbors and other trusted members of the community. Build a support network. Pull in anybody you can think of who might be able to help - a pastor, a youth leader, a teacher, a coach, or a professional counselor. Ask yourself, "Who do you think you could talk to about these negative feelings?" Follow through by offering to set up an appointment with that person. Maybe you and other acquantances can help her.
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Old 11th February 2018, 4:21 PM   #43
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I am going to see her in an hour and a half.

I am unsure how this is going to go...I'm not sure if we should just eat a meal and keep it light...do I bring up my new love interest? If she asks, she will be encouraging...but that doesn't mean she's okay with it.

Do I keep things light? Do I apologize?

I am unsure how to respond....she either avoids topics or lays it all out on the table...I am unsure how this will go, but I hope it goes well.
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Old 11th February 2018, 5:58 PM   #44
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Why are you asking? It seems like most people (or maybe I’m wrong-not going to go back and read through it all) think you should stay away from her and let her move on. You were a complete ass. Maybe sincerely apologize for the way you treated her (if that is possible) while making it clear that you have no interest in starting things up with her again. And then keep it light? I seriously don’t think you have the capability to be a reliable or trustworthy friend for her.

(Edit)Sorry I’m not more help. Hopefully somebody else chimes in, because I’m not the most emotionally intelligent person out there!
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Old 12th February 2018, 4:40 PM   #45
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I am going to see her in an hour and a half.
This seems like a really bad idea. The phone call apology should have been the end of it, if even that.
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