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Ex tried to commit suicide, what responsibility do I have?


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Old 5th February 2018, 6:11 PM   #1
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Ex tried to commit suicide, what responsibility do I have?

I am having very conflicted feelings about this situation, so I am turning to strangers on the internet. This is very long, so apologies in advance.

About three years ago, I met a woman. We began a casual thing, which usually involved drinks and hooking up. It was clear then that she had a drinking problem, and some mental health issues.

She was also self aware of these things, but it didn't make it any easier to live with. We were always off and on. She would always seek me out, and she was stubborn lol.

To tell the whole story, I'm significantly older than she is. I am 58, she is 38.
She is very intelligent, very funny and a very hard worker. This is what kept me coming back.

She took me in when I had no place to live for a few months last winter.

She is very emotional, so I did not always handle things well. I would cut her off, then end up sleeping with her again, and the whole cycle would continue.

She ended up pregnant this past summer, and she had an abortion. I ended things at that time.

She was quite upset. I had moved out of her home by this point. I was still going down to see her, and she was working on her drinking problem, and seemed to be doing better. She had started to tell me she loved me.But the pregnancy made me see things for what they were and I ended things with her by phone.

When I ended things, she lost it. She started texting me and emailing me saying she wanted me to pay her for half of the abortion. She would go on about how I did not treat her like a human being. She would call. I did not take her phone calls.

I will admit, I was not always nice to her. This is why I have conflicting feelings.

I ran into her in November, and I ended up going home with her. She asked me if we could have supper that week, and I told her to call, but then thought better of it and told her that when she called that weekend ( she called five times to put things in perspective).

Since then, I get phone calls from unknown numbers. I feel as though they are her, so I don't answer. I did not want to feed into things.

I have gotten some emails over the past couple of months. She will ask if she can call. Sometimes she is upset about the abortion. Sometimes she is berating herself for supporting me financially while I was in her home. It goes back and forth. Sometimes I am an A**hole. I do not respond.

We run in a similar social circle, and if I see her, I ignore her. She asked if we could talk once and I flat out told her no.

I received a long email from her a few days ago apologizing for everything, and saying she was horrible person. She let me know she was going to end her life, and she just wanted me to know she knew she was horrible person and that she was sorry I had to deal with her.

I had heard through the grape vine she was having some slip ups in regards to drinking. I also truly felt as though this was attention seeking behaviour, as she had emailed me to let me know. I did not respond.

I then received a text from a friend/co worker of hers I had gotten to know while living with her asking if I had seen/heard from her as she had not shown up to work and they were worried.

I called her friend the next day and told her I had received a disturbing email.

her friend then texted me letting me she had been found ,that she had made an attempt at taking her life and thanks for getting back to her.

I don't know how to handle any of this. Suicide threats or self harm are not something she had done up until that point, in hindsight, but this is clearly not my problem. I had made things very clear to her that I did not wish to speak to /see her again.

I am feeling some guilt over the way I treated her. I just did not have the magnitude of feelings she did, and while she has some great qualities, we were not a good match.

I received a text from a mutual friend today that said " hope you heard, she's ok....you know, it wouldn't hurt anything to actually speak to her".

I feel as though I did my part by letting her co worker friend know she had sent the email.

How do I handle mutual friends or aquaintances if anyone else brings it up?
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Old 5th February 2018, 6:29 PM   #2
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The best thing you can do for her is total lack of contact so she is forced to deal with it and get past it. Also you learn from your mistakes and try not to do things you guilty about. Don't give any messages to this friend of hers. If I were you I'd tell the family you are planning on going no contact with her and be sure none of them try to catch up with you. This gives them a heads up to be extra vigilant with her and also to help her move on.
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Old 5th February 2018, 6:31 PM   #3
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Not your fault, not your responsibility. All you can do when you are in this situation is to alert the family and close friends. It is up to them to deal with it.

Block all access and move on with your life.
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Old 5th February 2018, 6:39 PM   #4
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I wouldn't completely shake the responsibility off of myself in such case. If any of us gets this kind of email, our responsibility, as fellow human beings, is to at least inform someone who could help the person in question. If it's an ex, it's probably better not to be involved directly, as it's going to cause more harm, but letting someone know is essential. You could be saving a life. Did I understand correctly that you only told about it after your ex had already been missing? Should have done that sooner.
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Old 5th February 2018, 6:40 PM   #5
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She will use any further contact as an attempt to dodge the reality that you guys are over, so I would suggest sitting this one out. Unless you want to send a 1-2 line apology for the way you treated her, wish her well, but let her know you cannot be a part of her future. Otherwise, I would let this one be. I definitely wouldn't get into drawn out conversations or phone calls--that will give her false hope.
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Old 5th February 2018, 6:50 PM   #6
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yes, I let her friend know after she texted about her missing.I thought it was a cry for attention.

I have no idea what she did/ where she was while missing. I did not ask any questions.

I think I am having guilt because she went through with it although she did not succeed.

She DID support me when I stayed with her. I had no wheres to live and no job at that point.

I broke up with her by going no contact. Maybe I should have supported her through the pregnancy termination, but I did not want her to have false hope.

She called me from a number a couple of weeks ago I did not recognize so I answered. She asked if I would come over to see her for dinner or coffee. I told her I was not sure, so she asked if she could call again the next day after I thought about it. She did, and I told her I was busy for the week. She said she understood.

I think I've always known I did not treat her the best, but I did not know she would take things to this extreme. I am trying to tell myself that a healthy person would have moved on.
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Old 5th February 2018, 6:51 PM   #7
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Let the doctors handle her. They are professionals who have the necessary tools to help her, you don't.

Its not your fault in any way, shape or form. She made the selfish decision to take her life (albeit unsuccessful), not you.

Like others have posted "no contact" with her and "no contact" with the her friend, as well.

Just my two cents.
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Old 5th February 2018, 6:56 PM   #8
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Yeah, it does sound like you were quite a jerk. Did she want to keep the baby? DID you pay for half of the abortion?

I can't blame her for feeling the way she did based on your own admissions of your bad behavior. But, you're right....a healthier person would have moved on.

But don't discount the emotional toll that abortion had on her. Sounds like it kinda made her spiral out of control, and since you had a part in getting her into that predicament, you can't let yourself completely off the hook here . I think you really owe her an apology. Via text or email.
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Old 5th February 2018, 7:01 PM   #9
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No, I did not pay for half of it. I drove her to the clinic. And drove her home.

I do have some guilt in hindsight. It was an unexpected pregnancy. She was upset about it, and I ended things with her a couple of days after she told me.

She had to get in touch with a friend of mine to let me know the date of the procedure. ( I was not taking her calls or responding to her texts) We live in a backwards area and she to travel an hour to have the procedure, and then have someone pick her up. I DID take her though.

She turned that all around in a guilt trip though. When she lost it following the procedure, she would tell me she only had the abortion to make me happy that she didnt want to make my life difficult, but there was no reason to of done it, as I didn't stick around anyhow.
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Old 5th February 2018, 7:05 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by floatingaway View Post
I am 58,
As a side note... If you don't want any children at your age, you may want to do some research into "vasectomies".
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Old 5th February 2018, 7:15 PM   #11
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Simply, she is responsible for her own decisions... You are not responsible for her mental health or the suicide attempt.

You are however responsible to treat a woman with kindness, love, respect, honesty, etc... Can you say that you have treated this woman well? It doesn't sound like it. That, is most definitely your responsibility as a romantic partner and human being.
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Old 5th February 2018, 7:19 PM   #12
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I'm not going to judge you for your mistakes. We all make mistakes, to varying degrees.

Though you could have handled things better, the fact is that she was a single woman making her own decisions, and she's responsible for the consequences of her decisions.

You made the decision to end your relationship, and it seems best that you stick to your decision. I don't think you're going to help her by re-engaging. It will likely just stir up more drama.

She needs predictable, stable, supportive relationships in her life, not emotionally heavy ones prone to volatility. You'll be doing her a favor by staying away.
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Old 5th February 2018, 7:21 PM   #13
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So do I apologize?

She did not blame me in the email. She was very explicitly stating she was apologizing for being a horrible person.

She has some great qualities....but she drove me crazy.

I never intended to be serious with her and things just went on for a length of time. I moved in her not as a couple, but because I was stuck and she offered many times. She saw me recently with another woman and of course I received a message the next day in which she went on saying what she remembered about me was that she was not allowed to approach me in public but I still took her home at the end of the night...and that she had convinced herself that I treated everyone that way but seeing the way I was with the other woman showed her it wasn't true.

I feel badly about these things, but every situation is different. If an apology would help, I may reach out but how would it? and what would I even say?
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Old 5th February 2018, 7:31 PM   #14
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Just leave her alone.
You left her life. Walked away without regard for her feelings..
Why do you care if she ends her life or not? Its not like it would like a difference to you if you are in no contact.
Stop trying to alleviate your guilt by contacting her. She isn't responsible for helping work through the guilt you feel over the situation.
Find your own peace.
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Old 5th February 2018, 7:34 PM   #15
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I don't see that you are guilty for something, everybody has right to live own life on way he/she wish...
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