Repeating pattern?

[Cinder_Ellie]

My boyfriend (26) recently broke up with me (23) and I am very hurt and confused.

Our relationship moved extremely quick after he left a long term relationship with someone else. Within three weeks of leaving her, he convinced me he was in love with me and moved in to my apartment where both my mother and I lived.

 

While I was saving wherever I could, I learned that my boyfriend had zero budget. He was starting his PhD soon in a big city and had never paid rent or lived on his own. He wasn't even paying rent while living with me. So I was surprised to learn that he had $100,000 racked up in student and credit card debts. He would get his parents to pay for necessities like clothes and shoes while he spent money he didn't have on fancy dinners and nights out with me.

I would always suggest doing activities more within our means but he refused and would pay for both of us, thinking I would appreciate such grand gestures, but it only made me feel more nervous and guilty. I found myself often apologizing to him for wanting to save my money and then spending more than I expected just to try and please him.

 

A few weeks before we were set to move away, he asked me for money so he could pay off his credit card bill. I had been trying my best to split everything we did, even giving him a monthly stipend for gas as he drove us around often. I told him I wasn't comfortable lending him the money since I was looking at huge expenditures in the next month after moving away to begin my Master's degree. I asked him to turn to his parents or siblings instead but he said he was too embarrassed after going to them a few times before. He eventually got enough money in early birthday gifts from his family to be able to pay it off.

 

After this, we spent an idyllic week at a cottage and moved to our separate cities, agreeing that he would come to stay with me for his birthday. The night before he was meant to arrive, he broke up with me out of the blue (over Skype) initially citing long-distance as being too much alongside the stressful schedule of his PhD. We had never been apart for more than 4 days in our 11 month relationship and within these 2 weeks of being one hour of distance apart, he apparently lost all interest in me and gave up on any possibility of a shared future. Despite my many efforts of having him come pick up his things, he gave all the excuses he could and never retrieved his belongings. He was convinced that this final visit would be giving me "false hope."

A month after the breakup, he called me to say he's in love and very serious with someone new. He thought I should hear this directly from him. He then began comparing her to me. She is older and in the same PhD program so she is "in a better position to emotionally support him" (his words). She apparently likes to "enjoy and experience life" more than I do. He went on to exclaim how generous a person he is (in the gifts he gives) and how he knew I was not when I didn't offer to loan him money for his bills. He claimed to forget ever owning the items he left with me and when I asked him about certain very loved-up texts that he had sent just 24 hours before the breakup, he claimed to not recall ever writing or sending them. I recently found out through a mutual friend that he and his new girlfriend went on a hugely romantic Eurotrip with my ex plastering details of it all over social media. It had been just two months since we broke up.

 

I fell deeply in love with this person and believed he felt the same way about me. After speaking with his friends, I've learned that he has virtually never been single and always moves quickly. I know for a fact that he has a tendency to overlap as he pursued me while still in a relationship. He treated me well while we were together but I'm upset that I couldn't have recognized this pattern sooner. How does one move on from this?

[CrazyKatLady]

Dang! That is harsh...I don't know what to say to you except I'm sorry. Jeez, that is a rotten deal. The only solution I seem to read about is NO CONTACT. I had to figure it out on my own, so in case your ex did not tell you about it, (which happened to me), I will share that it appears not having any further contact with your ex boyfriend is a positive way to deal with any relationship breakup. I have been through this too and now know what is apparently a solve-all for 99.9% of the rest of the population and it is two little magic words, called: NO CONTACT. (I think I am one of the rare 00.1% that actually believes in nailing someone's nuts to the floor and wanting an explanation, even if it takes torture to get it out of them, for why he/she was such a s**thead to me--a little thing I like to call: A-C-C-O-U-N-T-A-B-L-T-Y...just saying).

You know for a fact some man invented that NO CONTACT crap!

Seriously, my best advice is to keep searching through these forums, after almost two months of NO CONTACT (or as I call it, NO ACCOUNTABILITY-but I guess the acronym NA was already being used, so...everyone is using NC now), I found these dating advice forums, and oddly, it seems to help a little...

Did your ex leave his partner for you? Or was he already leaving her...also, why didn't any of the friends tell you about him sooner...it seems they knew his past behavior pretty well.

I feel your pain. And I hope that you are able to get some closure ASAP. I am not very good at giving advice because I'm just kind of a weird person, but my heart does go out to you. I hope that you feel better soon. I guess if you want to try the NC thing, it might help. The best thing to do is to try to forget about someone like that, no matter how long the road filled with pain stretches out before you. Just walk down it one day at a time. If you have faith, turn to God, attend church, focus on healing yourself, surround yourself with support groups or even try counseling. It is good to talk it out, because that is what separates us from the primates...so vent when you can...I hope that you have a nice week and that your life is filled with nice people during this hardship.

[PegNosePete]

I'm upset that I couldn't have recognized this pattern sooner. How does one move on from this?

You learn from your mistakes. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh and he does sound like a Class A douche, but you made some extremely bad decisions here and you have to take responsibility for that.

• Dating someone so soon after their last relationship ended
  
• Believing that he loved you after 3 weeks
  
• Moving in with him after 3 weeks
  
• Accepting his financial irresponsibility
  
• Asking for money!!!
  
• Lack of responsibility and "real life" experience
  
• Dependence on others

WHY on earth would you allow yourself to be taken in like this? ANY ONE of those things are what we in the relationship advice business call a RED FLAG. Red flags mean do not pass go, do not collect $200, just end the relationship.

 

And on top of it all you listened to him on the phone talking about his new girl? Why on earth did you listen to all that? Why didn't you just hang up on the jerk?

 

It seems to me that you don't really value or respect yourself very much, otherwise you wouldn't put up with this treatment. If you don't respect yourself then how can you expect others to respect you? He took you for a ride, and you let him. You need to learn from this experience and make sure you don't allow anyone to take you for a ride again!

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry he took advantage of you like that but you learn to recognize certain red flags:

 

1. Rebounds are usually bad. Monkey branching is worse. When you meet a man in the future who is recently out of a break up, assume he is not emotionally available to date you.

 

2. Any partner who initially asks for money or who needs to be supported is suspicious. Anybody who routinely lives beyond their means, is to be jettisoned immediately. You don't need a financial black hole.

 

3. Moving in together before you have dated at least 1 year is problematic.

 

Now pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. Get out there & find a good man who can support himself. This user leaving your life is a blessing in disguise; you just can't see it yet