Heart-broken

[ardeerd]

I just found these forums while searching some stuff and I wanted to share my story to try and at least get it out.

 

I'm a 33 year old gay man. I started seeing a bi guy, 29, back in September. He fell hard for me, I didn't feel butterflies at first. But I knew that, on paper, he checked almost every box I had in an ideal partner, even silly small things. So I stuck with it, did some reading, got back into therapy, really worked on becoming a good boyfriend. In spite of myself, I was open and honest with him from the onset. After a month or so, I started to feel crazy about him.

 

Everything was great. I made myself look past the little things about him that made me want to run, like that his grooming wasn't perfect, that sometimes he smelled a little. Early on, he had a really bad anxiety attack and said he wasn't sure if we should continue on, but after a conversation he said he was being silly and wanted to keep dating.

 

I realize now that I was falling in love with him. I saw a future with him. I could see us getting married, having a place together, all that stuff.

 

Last night, he broke up with me. He said he lost the spark and that somewhere along the line we became friends. We both read the Five Languages of Love and so I know he knows that spark doesn't last. I was away for work last week; things were fine then. He told me that he missed me a lot when I was away, but then when I came back, he just stopped having feelings for me. I cried, he cried, then he left.

 

It's destroyed me. I've been sad about being single, sad about breakups, sad about guys before, but nothing like this. My heart is shattered. For the first time in my life, I felt truly happy, I had hope for the future. And then he changed his mind or got scared or wanted to pursue someone else or SOMETHING he's not telling me because the spark excuse has to be just an excuse. We had such a good relationship, I know he was just as happy as I was.

 

I've cried on and off almost all day. I had three panic attacks, couldn't breathe. Everything reminds me of him, reminds me of what I've lost, what I had.

 

I broke the no contact rule and reached out to him. He replied, apologized again, and said he can't reciprocate feelings for me anymore.

 

I feel hopeless again. He's the only healthy relationship I've ever had, one of the few guys I've made it past one date with. The idea of getting back into the dating pool is horrifying. The idea of facing life alone again, like I did for so many years, is depressing. It was so nice to have a partner. We ran errands together, we planned things together, we would text each other good morning and good night. I don't know why he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I deserve to be happy, deserve to be loved. I didn't do anything wrong, I tried my absolute hardest, and ended up with a broken heart.

 

I'm just rambling now, so I'll wind this down. Thanks for reading.

[ardeerd]

He responded to my text last night. He said he was sorry, but he couldn't reciprocate my feelings anymore. I told him I didn't understand because things were fine just a week ago and nothing changed. I told him he knows as well as I do that the "spark" doesn't last. He hasn't responded. Maybe it's better I don't know the "real" reason.

 

If he says it was because he was scared or something, I'd feel like there's hope when, really, I shouldn't be with someone afraid of commitment or feelings. If he says he found someone else, that would crush my self-esteem. But, man, I really wish this hadn't happened.

 

I think I'm feeling a bit better today. I actually got almost a full night's sleep. I haven't cried or had a panic attack yet today. I got out of bed more quickly, I'm heading to the gym shortly. I still feel so hopeless about the future, though. How am I ever supposed to find that type of relationship again?

[Young mind]

Try to keep on the good work of taking care of yourself, this is the most important thing.

It is true 'the spark' can very easily disappear into thin air, whatever that is but it is your chance to learn what you really want in a relationship and better yourself.

Try to actively move on from it, and accept the finality of the breakup , moreso , you must stay NC, it doesn't help pinning around

[ardeerd]

Try to keep on the good work of taking care of yourself, this is the most important thing.

It is true 'the spark' can very easily disappear into thin air, whatever that is but it is your chance to learn what you really want in a relationship and better yourself.

Try to actively move on from it, and accept the finality of the breakup , moreso , you must stay NC, it doesn't help pinning around

 

Thank you. I'm really trying. The thing that's hard is that it was everything I wanted in a relationship. I felt like we were real partners, both cared for each other, wanted to make the other happy.

 

A friend of mine has been talking about this concept of the past and future not being real, that only the present is. I've been trying to internalize that a lot. It helps because the times I really freak out or break down are when I think about what we had or what I'm going to have to face.

[ardeerd]

I picked up some CBD this morning (90% CBD, 10% THC) to help with the anxiety. Overall I have been feeling better, but I still felt short of breath and didn't have a big appetite. It's helped.

 

My company has an employee assistance hotline. I called them this morning and spoke with a counselor. Had another cry about it talking to her. She was very helpful and caring. She advised me to try and set up time with my therapist sooner than what I had scheduled, which I did. She also recommended I pick up some books on getting over breakups. I picked up Getting Past Your Breakup and I'm about a third of the way through it.

 

It's definitely helpful in knowing a lot of the things I'm feeling are common.

[DevastatedJDC]

It just sucks there are some people in the world like that - they can just walk away from love and commitment without feeling a thing, they just turn the switch off. For the sake of love, I keep telling myself they are a minority with their own internal issues that lead them to be that kind of person. I experienced the same thing as you and am still getting over it. My whole 2017 was just a blur but I'm determined 2018 will be better. I thought I wanted everything back to how it was, but have finally realized that what I thought it was.... was not really what it was. After 11.5 years, I've realized I never knew him. I've been on a journey of self realization as to what let me fall for someone like that and I will never let it happen again. Most of 2017 I thought the "time heals all" comments were stupid, but I'm now starting to realize there is some truth to them..... you just have to let it.

 

So.... just wanted to say you're not alone and unfortunately, I think we're in the minority of people that fell in love with someone whose emotions are like a light switch. We just have to learn what we can and look for someone (when we're ready) that can truly love us, not just love us when it's convenient for them.

[ardeerd]

It just sucks there are some people in the world like that - they can just walk away from love and commitment without feeling a thing, they just turn the switch off. For the sake of love, I keep telling myself they are a minority with their own internal issues that lead them to be that kind of person. I experienced the same thing as you and am still getting over it. My whole 2017 was just a blur but I'm determined 2018 will be better. I thought I wanted everything back to how it was, but have finally realized that what I thought it was.... was not really what it was. After 11.5 years, I've realized I never knew him. I've been on a journey of self realization as to what let me fall for someone like that and I will never let it happen again. Most of 2017 I thought the "time heals all" comments were stupid, but I'm now starting to realize there is some truth to them..... you just have to let it.

 

So.... just wanted to say you're not alone and unfortunately, I think we're in the minority of people that fell in love with someone whose emotions are like a light switch. We just have to learn what we can and look for someone (when we're ready) that can truly love us, not just love us when it's convenient for them.

 

Thanks very much for sharing your story. It really does suck... I never would have imagined he would just flick a switch and lose interest like that.

 

I feel silly complaining about it since it was only a few months, especially reading stories like yours of relationships that were so much longer. But it was a big deal for me. I think the worst is over - hopefully no more panic attacks, no more crippling sadness - but I'm hoping to turn this into something positive.