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Ex contacting me, asking for trivial items back [update]


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Hey. I'm sure my story will mirror that of many others on here, but still I'd really like to get this off my chest and share it with some of you. Sorry if it’s a bit of a ramble. Any advice or support is greatly appreciated:)

 

In 2009 I met the girl of my dreams. I was 28, she was 21. She was an amazing person. Always looking on the bright side of things despite what she'd been through. Her previous relationships had for the most part been abusive. Her ex used to hit her and generally treat her like dirt. Her home life wasn't much better. A broken home for want of a better description. She lived with her emotionally distant father in a run-down shell of a house. Her mother was absent for most of her life and it was only after meeting me that bridges were built. Every time, and even now upon reflection, it used to break my heart when I would visit. Her room was sparse to say the least; peeling wallpaper in her bedroom, broken furniture and threadbare carpet. I remember driving through torrential snow and ice just to see her. She'd spend most of her time in her room keeping warm and to avoid her dad. We'd sit together late into the evening and talk. Even then before I really knew her, I realised that I wanted her in my life for the long-term. I miss those days so badly now it hurts.

 

A few months into our relationship she said she loved me and that I was her best friend. That was one of the happiest moments of my life. Eventually she moved in with me and we continued to share a close and loving relationship, full of laughter and joy. I remember the first time we went on holiday together. She cried. I asked why and she told me that no one had ever treated her as well before. Damn, even now, thinking about it chokes me up. She used to genuinely worry about me when I was out and used to go out of her way to make me little gifts for our anniversary’s, telling me how much she loved me, even up until recently. We were engaged in May of this year.

 

 

Earlier this year I decided to return to university as a medical student. We discussed the positives and negatives of this and both agreed that it would be a good idea. Ultimately, my only reason for going was to make a better life for the two of us. Things would be a bit of a financial struggle, in specific she’d have to pay some of the bills where I previously used to, but nothing too serious and only until the end of term when I could work. Whether this was a factor in the breakup, I have no idea. I’ve asked her and she said no, but at this stage, I have no idea what to believe.

Three weeks ago everything changed. We went away for a few days and she was very distant. I could tell something was wrong, but being so far away from home and not wanting to make things awkward, I decided to wait until we got back before talking to her about it. Talking to her was like trying to get blood out of a stone. She refused to answer any of my questions, and when she did it was only a handful of words. She said she felt differently about me, but put it down to stress. I know that as a stranger, my words have no real authority here, but I can tell you for a fact that prior to our trip away, there was no indication at all as to how she was feeling. On the contrary, it was our anniversary a few weeks before; we went out for food, watched a movie and she gave me a picture frame with a photo of us both in it that she'd made herself, together with a box containing paper hearts on which she had written the things she loved about me.

 

 

It's very hard to impart the full scope of a relationship through mere words alone. The words "soulmate" and "best friend" might be slightly clichéd terms, but she was both of those things and more. But now everything has changed and I want to ask her, why? I feel like she's treat me so appallingly in terms of how this has been handled, and that in the absence of a reason as to how/why (because she’s refused to tell me), my mind is running over time and I’m thinking the worst things. I’m now struggling to maintain my education because I have financial commitments, never mind the emotional burden of all this.

 

She told me last week that she wanted to leave. And so a few days ago she came round and removed her belongings. She was distant, vague and emotionless throughout. A total reversal of character from the person I used to know. The house now feels empty and cold. The pictures she made me I've had to throw out because I couldn't bear looking at them. The phone calls and texts have stopped. The cold and seemingly heartless way she has gone about this has made me very unsure if I ever want to trust someone again. I never imagined that I'd be writing this, nor did I ever imagine that I'd be as completely alone as I am now. She once told me that she didn't care where we were, just as long as we're together. Yet here I am, alone, with nothing but memories, questions and a heart that feels like it’s been stamped on. Hate is a strong word, but I hate feeling this way, especially without anyone to talk to. Oh, and the closing words from her after nearly a decade long relationship? “Ah, you’ll find someone else.” As likely as that may or may not be, it didn’t help. I just wish I had answers. I thought she respected me enough to at least give me that.

 

 

As a side note, I have very few friends now and only three family members with which to talk to. This is compounded by the fact that I live in a very small community. I wish I was lucky enough to enjoy my own company, but frankly I don’t. So, I’m ploughing all my efforts into revision as that helps to take my mind off things.

 

Sorry for the long post.

 

Tldr – Relationship break down leads to complete lack of trust and a boat load of questions.

 

 

Thanks for reading.

Jason.

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Twowheelsonelife

Hey Jason,

 

My name is Darrell, I'm 20 years old and my words may mean little in the way of relationships. I came to this website this morning over something else but ended up reading your post. I've been in a relationship for a year now and before then nothing longer than a month. Of the past year of dating we have lived together for 9 of those months. That being said I'll refrain from any potential relationship advice as to what may or may not have gone on with the information provided. The reason I'm posting is I feel for you, sir, what you've experienced is an absolutely terrible thing especially with so many unanswered questions. Being such a long relationship there's many years worth of time to think about where things went wrong. What I know from personal experience is we as humans have free will, we can pretty much do what we want when we want and we, ourselves, are the only things preventing us from making a decision. Somethig I've always said to friends, family, my girlfriend is: "If everybody in your life leaves you this instant, are you prepared mentally and physically?" at the end of the day this world is unpredictable, whether its a freak accident death, terminal illness, natural cause or free will, as in your case, youve got to be prepared. Myself, I am prepared for the day if it were to ever come mentally and physically. My girlfriend is wonderful and shows no signs but as you've discovered and further reassured me it doesn't take long for that to change. I don't believe I'm teaching you anything or explaining stuff you don't already know, the main reason I'm posting, and the main reason I created an account, is because I read your post and I feel sorry. With everything that I've said I don't believe it's possible to mentally prepare yourself for something so abrupt, something with no sign of wrong doing. But now is the time to make a game plan, you become first and you've got to take care of yourself at this point. This person has decided to leave your life and genuinely doesn't care. Make a budget, downgrade if you have to, cut little expenses I. E monthly recurring stuff. Focus on school and yourself, use any extra time you may have to focusing on things that you maybe weren't able to before, pick up a new hobby.. Anything to get your mind off what this person has done to you. Grow a beard, change the hairstyle. Wear glasses? Get a new pair. I hope this isn't out of the scope but honestly I wouldn't know what else to say. If you ever need to vent I'm open. Take care Jason.

 

- Darrell

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That's a great reply Darrell, I appreciate it:) It's right what you say. I thought that I was quite a strong person in the sense of being able to handle something like this, however it came out of the blue and perhaps I'd let myself become a little too complacent. Someone once told me that in any relationship, no matter how much you may love the other person and how much they profess to love you, always hold a piece of yourself back. That way, if/when it all goes wrong, at least you didn't completely give your heart away. I'm not sure if I agree with that though, because even if you follow that advice initially, it's hard not to give someone your all, especially when you really really trust them.

 

Jason

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That's a great reply Darrell, I appreciate it:) It's right what you say. I thought that I was quite a strong person in the sense of being able to handle something like this, however it came out of the blue and perhaps I'd let myself become a little too complacent. Someone once told me that in any relationship, no matter how much you may love the other person and how much they profess to love you, always hold a piece of yourself back. That way, if/when it all goes wrong, at least you didn't completely give your heart away. I'm not sure if I agree with that though, because even if you follow that advice initially, it's hard not to give someone your all, especially when you really really trust them.

 

Jason

 

I feel for you man I really do. Similar thing happened to me after a 3 year relationship. You can find it in my post history if you wanna read the full thing. But my ex went cold as well during a trip we took together and never really was the same after that. I too was dealing with a transition in my life, I had just graduated from college and was kind of in a bit of a limbo for 3-4 months during the summer. She said she supported me taking a break from school to figure it out, and also said I was worth waiting for when I told her I was intending on pursuing a masters degree, which meant I wouldn't be able to move in with her right away. The more I've thought about it the more I strongly believe what she said and what she felt were entirely opposite regarding that. So I think you may be right to suspect that going back to medical school and the changes surrounding that may have been a factor.

 

It's brutal to see just how temporary and how conditional these relationships are, and people are able to change their mind and feelings, and bow out of your life relatively quickly. I don't know if I can ever trust someone again fully, especially considering how strong i felt the bond was with me and my ex, I really considered her "the one". I'm sorry this happened to you. My heart goes out to you man.

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I went through a bad breakup several years ago, that basically changed my life (For good).

Right now you are probably thinking you'll never trust anybody again, that you won't smile again and so on... but let me tell you that is not true.

I am 27 y/o woman and I have gone through a rollercoaster of experiences and emotions you won't believe.

You need to stop trying to find answers, she left and I know it was unexpected and she is acting like she has no feelings at all and even if I guarantee you right now it is not worth the pain and the tears you won't believe me.

You have to focus on yourself, study, workout, eat!

I PROMISE this will pass and at some point of your life you'll look back at this experience and you'll smile and everything will make sense.

[email protected] if you need a friend to talk to.

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hi Jason. Well written story. So very sorry to hear about your breakup. I'm here for you if you want to talk. I have a similar story and am including the link to it below,.

 

I'm in my forties and met a girl recently who I thought was the love of my life. I never felt anything like I felt with her. it seemed that she felt the same way about me. We were so smitten for each other in the beginning that we both kept talking about having to break the rules of dating. We talked about the future. But then there were so many odd and difficult things about her that started to surface it was making me anxious and suspicious. Also, after a few months she texted less and less. It seemed like she was kind of going cold too. Read my story below. I'm still completely messed up and emotionally broken over it. I don't feel like I'll ever be the same again. I'm just so heartbroken. I really wish I had never met her. I ended up breaking up with her, not the other way around. I just can't believe I had to end it but she was causing me too much confusion and anxiety. I thought she was the love of my life and we would be together forever but I just couldn't live like that anymore. I don't know what happened exactly read my story that will give more details.

 

I tell you all this just so you don't feel so alone. reading other people stories on this board has helped me realize that I'm not alone and other people have gone through similar situations. I don't know what happens in life but nothing seems to be certain. you think you know somebody and you just don't. All we broken hearted people can do is hold each others hands and share our stories and comfort and support each other. Thank god we have each other and don't have to go through this alone.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/640122-did-i-do-right-thing-breaking-up-her

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Hey, thanks for the advice and support. It's greatly appreciated. I've felt a bit better this week, although I've been taking my mind off things by working.

 

I've learnt that trust takes a long time to earn and only an instant to lose. I'm going to be more selective about those I trust in the future. Also, not sure if anyone else has experienced this, but one other thing that I'm finding depressing, is the fact that I'm missing all of the pre-xmas events that we'd planned to do together. She isn't missing them because its since become clear that she's met someone else.

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I wanted to ask you. Did you ever get any explanation from her? Any answers as to why she went cold and moved on? why she changed? Also Did you see any of this coming? Was she complaining that you were never home? always working? Did she complain about anything leading up to this? I'm so curious to find out.

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BarbedFenceRider

Wait...Your in Medical school and she bolts? WOW! Thats a rarity. You are going to be a Doctor. Ding, ding, ding! You will have lots of women then. No two doubts about it. Good money, fast car and a career. Then you can laugh as you are picking up another 21yo POA while she (the ole' hag) is rapidly approaching the wall. If you can stick it out and force yourself into new situations and experiences. You can beat this loneliness for sure. Keep your goals focused, get a hobby and workout. The payoff is gonna be huge. Mark my words.

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It’s not that bad

I know what you mean but it will get better just give it some time, I know it’s not what you want to hear but it’s true

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Having a hard time, I am 52 she is 44, we have been together 17 years, we moved from Mid West to Fl. We endured hurricanes and 3 moves in FL, along with several job changes...We finally get our dream home, and after one year she wants to break up, we lived in our new house for 6 months before it sold, I tried to fix our relationship. We also did, but the whole time a man in Az was convincing her to come out there, which she did, I had to leave the area I was so hurt.

She basically sold everything we accumulated over the years and left, I was never so hurt...

how she could be so rash, after being so loyal all those years, i still love her yeti hate what she did to me

Edited by MarkTorr
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Hey Isle,

 

As you can see from the responses you have, this is not uncommon for things like this to happen. I am not going to bore everyone with my story but you can read it on my threads if you are interested. I was in a similar position to you. 5 year relationship, all going great as i thought, she then goes on holiday and comes back and all of a sudden doesnt love me any more and is not attracted to me. Turns out in the end that she had been speaking to one of the guys on holiday (we had previously been this destination twice together) at home whilst she was with me before she went away, split up with me and got with him 3 months after we split.... they only lasted 3 weeks.

 

Sorry to be blunt but she had checked out a long time before you think and she thought this other guy was a better pick than you. Chances are that this will not work out but it has nothing to do with you.

 

I am now nearly at 6 months and i am feeling a lot better, still hurt and still wonder what could have been but over it now. Make sure you keep as busy as possible and id advise joining a gym if possible! Keep your head up and keep strong, it will be tough but dont give up.

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Hey Isle,

 

As you can see from the responses you have, this is not uncommon for things like this to happen. I am not going to bore everyone with my story but you can read it on my threads if you are interested. I was in a similar position to you. 5 year relationship, all going great as i thought, she then goes on holiday and comes back and all of a sudden doesnt love me any more and is not attracted to me. Turns out in the end that she had been speaking to one of the guys on holiday (we had previously been this destination twice together) at home whilst she was with me before she went away, split up with me and got with him 3 months after we split.... they only lasted 3 weeks.

 

Sorry to be blunt but she had checked out a long time before you think and she thought this other guy was a better pick than you. Chances are that this will not work out but it has nothing to do with you.

 

I am now nearly at 6 months and i am feeling a lot better, still hurt and still wonder what could have been but over it now. Make sure you keep as busy as possible and id advise joining a gym if possible! Keep your head up and keep strong, it will be tough but dont give up.

 

It's quite cathartic being able to read other people's stories of heart break. I'm gonna spend some more time reading a few more.

 

With regard to her checking out a while ago and meeting someone else, I agree entirely. The sad fact however, and I say this without an ounce of arrogance, is that she's unlikley to find anyone who is as invested in her happiness as I was. I'm now concentrating on my medical degree and the future I want to build for myself. It would have been great if she had come along for the ride, but it wasn't to be. A shame really, because I'd have given her the world and everything in it. But without love, it would have only been wasted on her.

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BarbedFenceRider

You are a good one Isle. You got my thoughts and prayers. Women all over the internet bitching about where are all the good men...Right here. This is what is done. It is not your fault. Her choice. Thank heavens you don't have kids.... Save that for the "real" one.

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trustyourself
It's quite cathartic being able to read other people's stories of heart break. I'm gonna spend some more time reading a few more.

 

With regard to her checking out a while ago and meeting someone else, I agree entirely. The sad fact however, and I say this without an ounce of arrogance, is that she's unlikley to find anyone who is as invested in her happiness as I was. I'm now concentrating on my medical degree and the future I want to build for myself. It would have been great if she had come along for the ride, but it wasn't to be. A shame really, because I'd have given her the world and everything in it. But without love, it would have only been wasted on her.

 

Im sorry Isle, I can say that I feel the same way about my ex, but mine was a roller coaster of break ups and reconciliations.

 

I truly thought she was my kindred spirit. We had so much fun together, and could finish each others sentences. She was the one. She even said the same to me. But, she has demons. She is damaged, and no matter what I did, she could not stop hurting us.

 

She even reached out to me recently, and it just confused me and her even more. But she is not ready. She needs to work on herself.

 

Your ex will probably try and come back at some point. Please weigh this option heavily if it transpires. The pain just gets worse and worse the longer the pushing and pulling goes on.

 

I told my ex I cant talk to her anymore. I deserve better. (though if she could only fix her issues! agghh) Its been 4 days since I told her, and it hurts just as much as the break up did.

 

Im sorry you lost your soulmate. I know how you feel.

 

Stay strong brother.

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Hi Jason, I can feel your pain while reading your post. I have read thousands of stories here and therefore I can tell you that usually when a woman turns cold it is because they are into someone new. Sometimes this behaviour also has to do with emotional incompetence but, if that were the case you probably would written about her sometimes being aloof when being with her and her not being able to confide into you or tell you that she loved you. I would advice you to prepare yourself for finding out the thing you least want to hear.

 

Sorry.

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Hi Jason, I can feel your pain while reading your post. I have read thousands of stories here and therefore I can tell you that usually when a woman turns cold it is because they are into someone new. Sometimes this behaviour also has to do with emotional incompetence but, if that were the case you probably would written about her sometimes being aloof when being with her and her not being able to confide into you or tell you that she loved you. I would advice you to prepare yourself for finding out the thing you least want to hear.

 

Sorry.

 

 

Thanks for the reply:) Yeah, it's a tough one to stomach but I agree with you. One highly annoying thing at the the moment, is that she's putting off telling her family that she's left me and found someone else. Probably because they'd think she's off her rocker.

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I wanted to ask you. Did you ever get any explanation from her? Any answers as to why she went cold and moved on? why she changed? Also Did you see any of this coming? Was she complaining that you were never home? always working? Did she complain about anything leading up to this? I'm so curious to find out.

 

 

Nah, not a thing mate. I realise that there are always two sides to a story and that you haven't heard hers. However, I can assure you that there were no signs at all prior to the trip we took away. I say this as someone who has been in several different relationships and has been on both sides of a breakup. I'm pretty certain she has met someone else who has likely played on her emotional frame of mind in order to take advantage of the situation. I firmly believe that had she talked to me, we could have sorted this. But, she sought solace in another. Shame really.

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  • 4 weeks later...
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Just a quick update. I found a load of her belongings the other day, but rather than bin them, I broke NC and asked her if she wanted them back. She replied yes but then proceeded to arrange the collection via my elderly mum. Which was just odd, not to mention an inconvenience.

 

Lastly, I discovered just by pure coincidence that she'd been having (and presumably still is having) a relationship with one of her work collegues. Despite her background, I always thought she was different. I truly believed her when she used to tell me that all she wanted was to be with me forever. I'll probably treat people with a lot more suspicion from now on. I feel so much anger and frustration at the moment it's making it quite hard to focus on studying. I'm hoping it will pass.

 

Thanks for the replies in this thread. Hope you all have a good Christmas:)

 

J.

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BarbedFenceRider

Just be sure the next time when you have correspondence, you are finished with medical school and address yourself as Dr. Isle. Now THAT is gonna be a kick to the proverbial crotch.

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Looking for excuses to break NC won't get you much except a longer stay in this.

 

True, however it was done innocently. I simply wanted the items out of the house. Despite all that has transpired, I couldn't have just chucked them. It was the absolute (and will continue to be) only time I have made contact. Honest:D

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I dislike the whole notion of no contact but I'm not here for that main point.

 

Sometimes when people grow up emotionally and mental or physical abuse, being treated the right is something they want in their own head, even dream off, but the heart wants what they are used too. Perhaps it took 8 years for her to figure that out.

 

Sometimes when you put a person on pedestal, you put them so far up you can't reach them anymore. Sometimes they don't feel like they belong their and jump down against their own better judgment.

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  • 1 month later...
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My ex decided to jump ship in November of last year. We had been together for 8+ years, so it was a shock to the system. I went straight into no contact, with the exception of arranging when she could come over and collect her posessions. Prior to the other day, I'd not had any contact with her at all since early November. Then suddenly, I get a message from her asking me to return two extremely trivial items (a music CD and book). I've got a lot on with work at the moment and she knows this, so the message really annoyed me. I can't for the life of me understand her intentions. It almost seemed spiteful to request something so trivial from me, especially given all I provided her with through the relationship.

 

Anyway, I don't plan to break NC, however I would greatly appreciate any insight into why you think she has decided to contact me. It took me long enough to expunge her from my life, but this has made some feelings quite raw again. Any input is appreciated:)

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My guess would be she probably just wants to check up on you or maybe she really wants those items.

 

Do you have them ? If you do why don’t you just mail them back to her that way you don’t break no contact and she has no reason to contact you in the future.

 

I think if she wanted more she would have maybe suggested coffee or dinner

 

Do you still have feelings for her ?

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