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Everything fell apart and i was taking by surprise :(


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Hello. Well this is my second attempt at this forum. I posted too long and not enough proper spacing and whatnot before. So here we go. I hope this one is okay.

 

We met online. We are in our 40's. It was long distance about 85 miles. We physically met in 4 days. After that it was great. I felt like love at first site. I had no doubt. I though she felt the same way. We would text non-stop everyday and talk about 3 times a day on average. We would see each other about every weekend and sometimes during the week.

 

It all seemed mutual and it was fantastic. I have never felt this way or felt a connection with someone like this before in my life. She made it seem the same. She told me things that she never told anyone before. We were both hard core in love. We were making plans for the future after only 4 months of knowing each other.

 

9 months go by. Still fantastic. We never fought. We always showed each other we were thinking about each other(selfies and "i miss u's" and hidden notes, ect" Again i had never felt like this ever. Sex was amazing. Everything was. She loved my kids and i hers.

 

Well month 10 rolls around and she started pulling away and getting distant. She did have some personal problems going on with her family, health, and work. But she had those throughout our relationship.

 

Her brother was getting married in late Sept. 2017(we new about it in march and she told me I was going, which i was excited for) Well when she getting ready to by tickets (he lives in vegas and we are in oregon). She told her oldest son(19yrs old) that i was going and he made a big stink about it. That's when he told her he was going to enlist in the marines after the wedding and that he wanted it to be a "family" trip with just him, his brother, and her. So she was battling that and then found out that her sister who she didn't get along with was going also. So now i wasn't going.

 

that sucked, but i took it. I was okay with it(but did show that i was hurt).

 

Until the weekend of the wedding. everything was still pretty good, although earlier that month i noticed that things weren't as peachy as they were. But this was also the time she decided that i wasn't going on the trip.

 

So, they went to the wedding. It was 3 nights and 3 days gone. And this is when everything really started to go south. She only tried calling me once on the first night and that was it for the entire weekend. She never texted me on her own. I had to text her and when she did respond there was no emotion or intimacy. Very brief and to the point. No "i love you " or "i miss you" texts at all.

 

This was very odd and made for a horrible weekend for me. Left me wondering what was going on and why she didn't want to talk or text all weekend. I figured at a wedding, she would miss her lover more than ever. Especially considering only one month earlier she went there for 2 nights for a bachelorette party and texted or called me through the whole time telling me she loved and missed me.

 

Well when i picked them up after the wedding weekend, she acted like she hadn't seen me in a year. I told her how hard it was and that it sucked. We always told each other that we would be honest and not hold back.

 

So the next night is when it got tough. She didn't communicate hardly at all and when i did talk to her on the phone, she was brief and almost rude. She was never like that before. I asked her how the weekend went and she told me like she was reading an itinerary.

 

after less than one week with no phone conversation(we never did that before), she then told me we need a break and everything was over test messages(when we agreed before to always talk things out) Her texts were cold and somewhat mean. Very hard to understand.

 

Two weeks go by and she wants to see me again, so we take a weekend together. It was nice but she still seemed odd. after 3 more weeks of her getting distant again it was our 1 year day of meeting each other. she made a comment to me (text again!) that was like i was too much. I talked to her friend to see what was happening and she found out. She was pissed. The next night she broke up.

 

After that everything went to crap. I fell apart. I lost all rational thinking and what went from her still wanting to stay in touch and be friends and maybe someday try again.. ended up her not ever wanting to speak to me or see me again. I was just trying to get answers and it made everything worse.

 

I know i made mistakes during our break and through the break up and after. I ended up seeming needy and clingy. But I was lost and confused. How could someone that showed me so much love and expressed how much she wanted to be with me change in what seemed like one weekend? She never would admit to it, but i really think she did something that weekend. Maybe she was having doubts about us and was drinking(she told me she got pretty drunk) and made a bad decision. I don't know. but everything she did and how she treated me after the wedding was text book from if someone cheats on you.

 

The last time i talked to her. I wrote her a letter apologizing for doing what i did. and told her the reasons why. and then asked her to tell me what happened and why she changed.

 

She told me i changed and became needy, clingy, selfish, and demanding. And that i when i helped her i was only doing it to feed my ego. Well i never changed who i was thought the relationship. After she broke up I panicked. but that wasn't until AFTER. She told me when we broke up, that the reason was she was broken and not meant for a relationship. And that it had absolutly nothing to do with me.

 

Long story short. I lost the one woman that i thought was my true love. I was married for 12 years before and never felt like that with my ex-wife. It's been almost 3 months now since she left me. And it's been horrible. I keep thinking someday she'll realize what she left and come back. I don't know what really happened or what went wrong.

 

I know that when she first told me i wasn't going to the wedding, i should of backed way off and quit being there so much for her. and after our break, i should of only let her initiate contact and let her be. This sucks. hindsight is a bummer. I hurt everyday. She was perfect(or so i thought). No i'm left broken and it doesn't feel like i will ever find someone that i will feel like i did with her.

 

I haven't been able to go more that a couple hours with out thinking about it. I wish this on nobody ever. I went from pure bliss and happiness to depression and misery overnight. IT SUCKS.

 

just wanted to tell my story. fell free to comment. thanks

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I'm at the same point as you. I went from being with someone I loved and hoped to spend the rest of my life with to nothing but struggling with depression every day now. Before my girlfriend dumped me I would have swore on my life that she was still in love with me, apparently I was wrong. A girl that is in love with you will never break up with you like that, especially when you did nothing wrong (like cheat). Also it does no good to try and reason with her. I tried all of this and failed miserably. You'll never be able to talk her into coming back. Maybe your girlfriend cheated and maybe she didn't, but it's clear that she has checked out of the relationship. It took me a while to come to that conclusion myself in my own relationship, I know how painful that is to accept.

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I'm sorry this happened. This has happened to me, and it's devastating. But honestly, those times that I've been blind sided by a breakup when everything seemed decent? With time, it has panned out that it always truly has been their issues and not me, but with a side of mutually bad communication.

 

It doesn't mean she didn't love you, and it doesn't mean you could have done anything about it. All it means is she has issues of some sort, because people who don't have deep personal issues don't get overwhelmed and leave if things are truly good. Or they at least communicate with you how they're feeling if you believe things are good but they are dissatisfied.

 

Let's assume she was honest. She's in her 40s, with at least one major relationship in her life that ended (father of her kids), and the timing of this breakup coincided with her brother's marriage and her son acting out (to exclude you from the "family" event). Those are two things that may have made her reevaluate where she's at. It's actually possible she realized that she brought unresolved baggage in from her past, maybe from her past failed relationships, maybe from her feelings about what marriage and family are supposed to be, and she panicked instead of dealing with it. There's lots of things that could have scared her that have nothing to do with you.

 

However, I do strongly suspect there might have been that mutual communication problem here. This is actually a downside of never fighting: sometimes it's because someone doesn't want to really speak up, not because there's nothing to disagree about. I've had this happen to me before, too, multiple times. We didn't fight, but it was because even though I sensed something was wrong, I was too scared to rock the boat and ask. In relationships like that, our mutual silence didn't do us any favors.

 

I also wonder about the communication because you talk about how you should have backed off because she did. I disagree and think you could have asked her how she was feeling instead of asking her friend. While that getting back to your ex was just an excuse she used to end things, it just doesn't show a lot of trust or good communication if you feel more comfortable asking her friend about something important rather than asking her. After the breakup was too late to talk about it, and that's when backing off to match her is more appropriate.

 

But most importantly, what can you do to start feeling normal again after three months? As hard as it is, stop analyzing her and her motives. You can't know what happened for sure. Focus on yourself, identify any areas of self improvement you want to work on, do things that will help you rebuild your self esteem, and prioritize yourself for a while. I think it's really hard to cut a partner out of your thoughts for a while, forgive yourself for a breakup, and really focus on yourself, but I've also found nothing has helped me grow more than taking the time out to do this after a bad breakup. If you can start to think about things this way, even if it's only because you don't want to feel so sad anymore, then either one of two things is eventually going to happen. Either, you'll be ready to date again or you'll be able to handle it well if she does come back with an explanation. Ideally, you'll be able to do both.

 

It will get better. I personally find it easier to forgive both your partner and yourself after a breakup if you assume you both did the best you could in a bad circumstance (assuming no one engaged in toxic behavior). Try your best to detach for now and keep taking it one day at a time.

 

-J

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she's defiantly not telling u the real reasons she broke up. if I was to take a guess andbuts only a guess it's either she met someone or she never truly felt like u did and just couldn't break it to u until it got to a point where she couldn't keep the pretense up any longer.

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Let's assume she was honest. She's in her 40s, with at least one major relationship in her life that ended (father of her kids), and the timing of this breakup coincided with her brother's marriage and her son acting out (to exclude you from the "family" event). Those are two things that may have made her reevaluate where she's at. It's actually possible she realized that she brought unresolved baggage in from her past, maybe from her past failed relationships, maybe from her feelings about what marriage and family are supposed to be, and she panicked instead of dealing with it. There's lots of things that could have scared her that have nothing to do with you.

 

However, I do strongly suspect there might have been that mutual communication problem here. This is actually a downside of never fighting: sometimes it's because someone doesn't want to really speak up, not because there's nothing to disagree about. I've had this happen to me before, too, multiple times. We didn't fight, but it was because even though I sensed something was wrong, I was too scared to rock the boat and ask. In relationships like that, our mutual silence didn't do us any favors.

 

I also wonder about the communication because you talk about how you should have backed off because she did. I disagree and think you could have asked her how she was feeling instead of asking her friend. While that getting back to your ex was just an excuse she used to end things, it just doesn't show a lot of trust or good communication if you feel more comfortable asking her friend about something important rather than asking her. After the breakup was too late to talk about it, and that's when backing off to match her is more appropriate.

-J

 

She did have baggage. She had that from the beginning. But she always talked to me about problems. As far as life decision... Yeah i don't know if all of those things made her reevaluate her life and where she was at? And reconsider a life long relationship. She always said she felt like a failure with her marriage and her kids. Even though she was not.

 

One thing I forgot to mention was that at the end of April( about 6 months before we broke up) she had a stomach surgery. She wasn't real big, but she had lost over 60lbs by the time we broke up. I have talked to a couple other people that either have been in a similar situation, or knows someone who has. I guess there is a 85% failure rate on long term relationships when one of them has that surgery done. I was nothing but supportive and ecstatic for her.

 

As far as a communication problem. Yes one developed. In the first 6 months ish. Everything was fine, we did talk back and forth and there was a couple times where we fought a little, but made up right away. After that, it seemed like she always had some kind of drama and I felt bad wanting to bring more **** on her plate. So i held it in. I should of never done that, i realize that. I should of alway told her how I felt. Because of the drama, she would flake out or postpone weekends together.

 

I did ask her how she was feeling. She told me through the last couple of months that "it has nothing to do with you" " I'm broken, and don't think i'm meant for a relationship" she kept assuring me that i did nothing wrong and it had absolutely nothing to do with me, even though i would ask her if i was too needy or too clingy. I did ask her that once and she still never said anything. I tried to talk and she wouldn't, nor would she text. If i tried to talk about it later, she would just say she didn't want to rehash things. She definitely closed me off.

 

I was seriously blind sided. everything changed dramatically and i was left trying to guess why. The woman that loved to talk to me and be with me overnight, seemed like she couldn't stand to talk to me or be around me anymore.

 

And she was a back and forth. One day she would text or talk to me like i was the most important thing ever, then she would hardly text or talk for 3 days.

 

she's defiantly not telling u the real reasons she broke up. if I was to take a guess andbuts only a guess it's either she met someone or she never truly felt like u did and just couldn't break it to u until it got to a point where she couldn't keep the pretense up any longer.

 

Yeah, I don't know if she had something happen at her brothers wedding or even had thoughts of if. He is part of a biker "club" in vegas and when me and her took a weekend together after our break, she did tell me about one of the members(his name was 'Wicked'), that he asked her if she wanted to go to his hotel room and make " bad decisions" She kind of laughed about it to me and i asker her "like what" and she just said "i don't know" and that was the end of it.

 

I will always be suspicious and never know if something did happen or not. but after that wedding weekend, she was a completely different person. On of the texts she sent to me about us taking a break. She said that she's not a Hypocrite, and that "it" was never intentional, and that she's not meant to be in a relationship. She never explained a hypocrite about what and what was never intentional. She also said " i guess what's meant to be will be"

 

It was hard and because of how she worded things and would never talk to me about anything anymore. Only text messages and some were just cold and mean. And it seemed hard to interpret what she meant by them.

it just seemed odd.

 

I know i will never know what really happened. It just all freaking sucks ass. from November until September, we were both extremely happy with each other. She even told me in August that she wished we lived together.

 

All I can say for anyone reading this.

 

1. Honesty, Honesty, Honesty!!! NO matter how painful you think it will be to tell your partner how you feel about something. DO IT! at that moment. Do it tactful, but DO IT. I didn't and it sucked. I did become poopy about things because i never truly told her how i felt about stuff. It may hurt them, but they will respect you for it.

 

2. DO NOT BE A DOOR MAT!. There is a difference from being supportive to being a doormat. I was supportive in the beginning, and then it became a thing where i was afraid to speak up and i just let her control the whole situation. You need to speak up for yourself when you feel like your getting the short end of the stick. Even if it hurts. IF they truly love and respect you, they will get over it and still love you, maybe even stronger.

 

3. KEEP YOUR LIFE!. Keep your life going. This is another area where i think i failed. I let her become my life. I would stop making plans with my friends in hopes that her and i would do something on the weekend, then when she canceled or flaked, i would get upset and not do anything. DO NOT make them your life! A priority in your life , yes. but not evolving around them...

 

4. If they start to pull away, then... BACK WAY OFF AND GIVE THEM SPACE!!!. I cannot express this enough. I did a lot of research and reading about this about 2 months too late. If your lover is getting distant and cold, then you need to just back off. You can ask them if everything is okay or if they need something, but if they say space or time. THEN GIVE IT TO THEM.. maybe more than they want. It will be super hard. But Move on with your life and do fun things and whatever without them, let them come to you and when they do, don't be too eager to jump back in. Take it slow and let them see that they are not in control. Always be willing to walk away. easier said then done i know.

 

IF i would of done #4 like i should of. I really think we would be together still. Instead of giving her time and space, i was asking if she missed me or still loved me. And my life stopped. When she decided to get together again, i jumped all over the opportunity. I should of been cautious and made her go slow. Kind of switched it up and been slow and distant with her. To make her want to be with me, instead of feeling like she had to.

 

I know its tough and scary, but you have to do these things. Otherwise you are doomed. Or at least i think so. I have learned some very painful lessons, and if i could go back and change how i handled things. I know we would of had a beautiful relationship, and possibly been together forever.

 

I hope this helps someone out there. It helps me being able to talk about it. Any comments or input is more than welcome...

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Hi

I'm sorry to hear about this and hope you progress in finding healing and some peace-- your advice is spot on

I do think btw she did have some substantial emotional baggage that messed things up more than anything you did though nobody perfect,..

Take care

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4. If they start to pull away, then... BACK WAY OFF AND GIVE THEM SPACE!!!. I cannot express this enough. I did a lot of research and reading about this about 2 months too late. If your lover is getting distant and cold, then you need to just back off. You can ask them if everything is okay or if they need something, but if they say space or time. THEN GIVE IT TO THEM.. maybe more than they want. It will be super hard. But Move on with your life and do fun things and whatever without them, let them come to you and when they do, don't be too eager to jump back in. Take it slow and let them see that they are not in control. Always be willing to walk away. easier said then done i know.

 

 

Yes this is true, but you can't say for sure this would have brought her back. In my situation my girlfriend broke up with me and came back to me saying she wanted to work things out but just needed some time and space. I gave it to her and went no contact for 3 - 4 weeks. Which was just enough time for her to find someone else and cut me loose for good. So I do feel like when they ask for space you have no choice but to give it to them, however it doesn't always mean this will bring them back. They could be keeping you on a string until something else with someone else works out. This is just my personal experience.

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Hi

I'm sorry to hear about this and hope you progress in finding healing and some peace-- your advice is spot on

I do think btw she did have some substantial emotional baggage that messed things up more than anything you did though nobody perfect,..

Take care

 

Yeah healing sucks. I've tried dating and i just can't "feel" anything anymore. I've met a few woman that if i would of met them before her, i think things would of been great.

 

Now it just feels like i'm comparing each of them to her. They don't do their nails, or they don't have that certain attitude, or they don't look at me like she did. Or what ever.

 

I don't know if i'll ever be right again, or if i'll ever be able to look at someone unbiased anymore. I seriously feels like she has corrupted me and ruined me for anything or anyone ever again.

 

Worst feeling in the world. If i would of done things like i should of, then at least i would know i did the right things and that it wasn't because how how i became. I don't know if i'll ever be able to forgive myself for this. I feel like i lost my soul. IT hurts every day....

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