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8 months & i didnt get over him. me!


toomanyquestions123

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toomanyquestions123

It is been more than 1 month now after my break-up with my Ex-Fiance. The first 2 weeks were really really painful. I don't think i ever stopped crying. After those 2 next weeks, i started feeling better but still numb & bitter. We broke up because we had a fight & he accused me that i threw tantrums at him while i did not. He hurt me big time. am from the middleast & my ex-fiance is from the US, we met in UK, & immediately fell in love, he moved to my country to be with me.We got engaged after 6 months & we were planning to live in Europe. Everything was going so smooth until one day we had a big fight on very silly reasons & he left back to his country & broke up with me saying we dont culturally click, that nothing is wrong with me but we just are culturally different. I was shocked because our relationship was so special & we never talked about us being culturally different and it was never a deal breaker for us. We simply used to merge both our cultures so we can create the best of both. I was devastated when he said it is impossible to fix it and even though he loves me so much but he is thinking about the future positive outcome. After almost 1 month now from the breakup, i started the moving on process, started yoga, jogging, going out with friends, going on dates, whitened my teeth, new hair style, but at the end of the day I always ask myself why he didnt work on our relationship, why can someone that claimed to love me so much, leave so easily. A little background about him: he is divorced, his parents are divorced. He only said its culture but i dont think this is the reason.

 

Well my e-fiance & i had to communicate about how i have to ship his stuff & how i should sell the rings & transfer him back the money ( my idea ) but he accused me that i am forcing a conversation by talking about stuff shipment so I had to cut off the communication so i can start moving on & he hurt me more by telling me this since even though he broke my heart i was still willing to ship all his clothes & ring money but he accused me that i am forcing a conversation. So 2 week ago i had to cut off communication like i said before & i told him when i move on in the next upcoming year i will talk to him about the shipment logistics since i wont keep his stuff as hostage. He never replied back then & i really felt better since i really needed to stop talking to him if i really wanted to move on. I really worked on myself those past weeks & had really good days where i started feeling relieved. On the other hand, I am still going through those hard days where I cant stop thinking about us , the reason why he left me this way, about the pain i went through and still slightly going through. I always feel like i was convicted in a trial even though i am innocent & i had to deal with this. I cant get over the idea of how unfair this breakup was.

 

So i will be using this forum to let out all my feeling until i truly move on. And folks around here can help as well lol :)

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Funny bunny

Sounds like he is really immature and jumped into a commitment he couldn't handle. Just know that you didn't do anything wrong and he didn't love you enough to stay and that in itself should be enough to be like you know what? I need to move on. That's how I think and it's been really working. Talk to us hear on loveshack, we are all here for you! YOU ARE NOT ALONE ?

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Welcome aboard. Glad to hear you're doing your part to get yourself over this.

 

I'd be looking at compatibility issues as part of the closure process. In your post, you say that you had a big fight about something silly. Generally speaking, if something is important enough to have a big fight over, then it IS important issue. The other option is that it was a silly issue but one (or both) of you have still to learn to not make a big fuss over nothing. Either way, it does show that there were incompatibilities.

 

So what was this fight about? Did the fight involve either of you insulting or swearing at the other? Was anything thrown or broken during the fight?

 

But no matter who was at fault here, I'm wondering why you're trying to ship his stuff and selling the rings to send him money. If he wanted his stuff shipped, he should have have sorted it out when he was leaving. Meanwhile, his ring is his to sell. And your ring is yours. Send his ring to him by registered mail and let him do with it what he wants. And he has no claim on yours.

 

You need to remember that he's being rude to you about contacting him for HIS stuff. Do not contact him again about anything. Give his clothes to charity and if he complains, tell him that he made it very clear your contact was unwelcome and you were therefore unable to ship it.

 

In short, tell him to take a flying leap off a tall cliff.

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toomanyquestions123

Exactly. Well i was shocked because i thought he loved me enough while he did not. Moving to my country and stabilizing here to be with me & proposing & wanting to marry me showed me that he is mad in love with me. BUT then he did this & i knew how much he did not truly did. That is the hardest part.

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toomanyquestions123

So the last time he visited me & 2 days ago before flying to the US for work, i was the work & i felt something was bothering him so i went to his hotel to check up on him at night, he didnt open the door for me, so I had to tell the reception to open the door for me. He was really mad because he said i broke into his privacy while all i wanted to do was to check up on him out of concern. He kicked me out of the room this night & told me that he cant be with someone that breaks into his privacy this way ( but we were about to get married lol ). The next day, the same day before his flight, I told him if he thinks this way then we should go to my parents' house bring his grandparents and mother's rings if he wants to break up. So this day we commuted to my parents house, took his family's rings but left my wedding ring that he bought it for me. He said because he is not sure if the breakup is permanent or no & most likely it is just a break. Then after 2 weeks from his flight he threw the bomb that it is not a break, it is a break up and i should move on. The reasons why he distanced himself 2 days before he flew are so silly: I forgot to close the closets and the bin before i left to work the same morning before the fight & i treat him like an ATM ( lol no true at all ). I think he has commitment issues+stinginess issues but he showed otherwise.

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toomanyquestions123

Today I had a lunch at work as a team building event. I had fund. Somehow i am managing to keep myself busy because the soonest I am left alone i will have those roller-coaster feelings again. I now started missing him instead of being angry or broken. I am now fantisizing about some events where he is with me. I dont want to go to weddings this summer but i have to. I will be wondering how did they make it through this even though the groom had the same basic pressures but he never left. I will always be wondering why he left me ? It has been 1 month & 1 week since the broken engagement. I want to feel way better at 2 months. MY AIM.

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toomanyquestions123

Grrrr, i had this nightmare about him, where i was convincing him to stay but refused. He was not talking in the dream, and i was crying and telling him to stay. He hated me in the dream. Mind you this is the first time i dream about him since the break-up which is weird that i have not before. I still miss him, i started to forget how he looks like, how we were together. I feel like the more i move forward the less i will remember him. He will remain a memory. I just hope the damage he left will go away. I went on a date on Sunday, we kissed, it was the first one i kiss after my ex-fiance's break*up. I cried a lot, i told the new guy i am sorry but you really dont want to be with me, i am in a mess now. I cant trust guys and you seem a really good one but i cant get over the abandonment feeling. I had to friend-zone the new guy because i realized i still need more time to heal plus i dont want to just jump to any new relationship. I want my next one to be a very healthy one, i want the guy to be normal.

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lonelyplanetmoon

Yikes yes be careful about dating too soon after a break up.

Last thing you want to do is to start a rebound relationship which will be unhealthy for both.

 

Take some time to get your bearings and figure out your priorities in life.

 

I am about a month after BU and even though I am super lonely. I just can't even think about another guy at the moment.

 

Keep posting. We will get through it!

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fieldoflavender

Your timeline is similar to mine and my ex-fiance. Hang in there. Things will get better.

 

I had a similar process - first 2 weeks, would do anything to get him to be back because of the pain/loneliness/guilt. Now I'm waking up and realizing that I don't even want him back anymore. There must have been a reason I was that upset - and while I need to improve some things, it wasn't the right relationship. And the way he and his family behaved re: break-up gave me a glimpse into my dark future had I stayed. I was lucky to get out.

 

I have a lot of weddings etc too that he promised. But for someone who can't even stay there to be with you - empty promises are not someone you want to be with. So we will be stronger.

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toomanyquestions123

It is getting better. Day after day, I am feeling better. With sudden downs mostly when i am driving alone :p When i am driving alone i start remember the brutal way he left me. NC is been more than 1 month & seriously for people going through my thread & wondering how to move on from a recent break-up, please stop talking to your ex in any way. Remove them from all of your social media, put of their stuff in a box and hide it, delete all the chats & pictures. NC means NC. Trust me it is just a huge help. When you contact your ex the healing process is delayed. Once he/she breaks up you should immediately go into strict NC. I did the mistake for begging for 2 3 days but not for more. If someone doesnt want to be with you let him be. If you were treating them more than they deserve & they heartlessly left then to hell with them.

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toomanyquestions123

it is amazing how happy & distracted you can be & then boom, you remember. You feel the stab in the heart & then you distract yourself again & you proceed with the moving on process. Moving on. Moving on process, what a hard phase.

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Moving on & healing are not linear. Two steps forward one step back but it's still progress.

 

 

Hang in there.

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Spartakooty

It gets better. I do, however, like your metaphor. You feel convicted in a trial while you are innocent. How long were you together?

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toomanyquestions123
Moving on & healing are not linear. Two steps forward one step back but it's still progress.

 

 

Hang in there.

 

Thank you. I just want to get over the memory of the breakup. I find it hard to forget how he left me. I am having serious problems getting over the way he dealt with the breakup.I am too sweet to do this with anybody & it hurts me to know that someone i was going to marry is such a heartless one. I just booked for an amazing holiday on an island with friends, i didn't travel yet after the break up & i think i need it. I made a bucket list for the things i should do to move on; things that i will do that will help me progress.

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toomanyquestions123
It gets better. I do, however, like your metaphor. You feel convicted in a trial while you are innocent. How long were you together?

 

I have been thru several break-ups before my ex-fiance & i always moved on immediately with no baggage taken from the relationship.But with this break-up, i think & for the first time i am having trust issues & a hard time digesting what happened. I am afraid i will carry this baggage with me into my next relationship. It has been 2 months since he left my country, we were together for 1 year & a half, it is not a very long time but a lot happened during this period. We were supposed to get married in this upcoming December.

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lonelyplanetmoon

OP,

How bizarre. My fiancé left suddenly without warning about the same time as your break up.

I have been coping with it in almost the same way you have been. The devastation the first 2 weeks, the sudden triggers, all of it.

And I agree very much about how he handled it shows his true colors.

 

My struggle now is how not to take him back as I just feel like it will be the same struggles all over again. I really hope he does not come back but then part of me wants it more than anything in the world.

 

I feel so screwed up.

 

Anyway, just wanted to let you aren't alone. At least it does seem to get better as time passes.

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I'm going back into history to give you closure and hopefully help you make better dating decisions in the future.

 

In the break up scenario, you were both completely out of line.

 

Rule #1 Do not marry a person who shuts you out (literally or figuratively) when there are problems. If a person wants to mull things over before talking about them, they should be able to do so discreetly and without harming the relationship. A marriage with this guy would have been hell.

 

Rule #2 Do not enter a person's home unless you are welcomed in. If you believe they are at risk of harming themselves or others, call the police. While I understand your frustration at his lack of communication (see rule #1), he was absolutely right to be furious at you for breaking into his apartment.

 

Rule #3 Do not view someone else's concerns or dealbreakers as "silly". To do so only demonstrates that you do not respect their thoughts and feelings. The word "silly" belittles your partner's views. If an issue is important enough to fight over, then both sides of that argument are important to both of you.

 

You dodged a bullet here. And as you are already out dating, your heart can't be suffering terribly - so it's a good thing that you didn't marry him.

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toomanyquestions123
OP,

How bizarre. My fiancé left suddenly without warning about the same time as your break up.

I have been coping with it in almost the same way you have been. The devastation the first 2 weeks, the sudden triggers, all of it.

And I agree very much about how he handled it shows his true colors.

 

My struggle now is how not to take him back as I just feel like it will be the same struggles all over again. I really hope he does not come back but then part of me wants it more than anything in the world.

 

I feel so screwed up.

 

Anyway, just wanted to let you aren't alone. At least it does seem to get better as time passes.

 

I am sorry you are going through this as well, but I dont think you should hang on the idea that he is going to come back at some point. A part of my moving on process is believing that my ex doesn't love me anymore, probably dating someone new & he already moved on & he will never come back ever again ( i am just assuming but this helps me ). I think our exes are commitment-phobic & we dodged a bullet. I believe that i will get pass through this but it just needs time & self-empowerment.

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toomanyquestions123
I'm going back into history to give you closure and hopefully help you make better dating decisions in the future.

 

In the break up scenario, you were both completely out of line.

 

Rule #1 Do not marry a person who shuts you out (literally or figuratively) when there are problems. If a person wants to mull things over before talking about them, they should be able to do so discreetly and without harming the relationship. A marriage with this guy would have been hell.

 

Rule #2 Do not enter a person's home unless you are welcomed in. If you believe they are at risk of harming themselves or others, call the police. While I understand your frustration at his lack of communication (see rule #1), he was absolutely right to be furious at you for breaking into his apartment.

 

Rule #3 Do not view someone else's concerns or dealbreakers as "silly". To do so only demonstrates that you do not respect their thoughts and feelings. The word "silly" belittles your partner's views. If an issue is important enough to fight over, then both sides of that argument are important to both of you.

 

You dodged a bullet here. And as you are already out dating, your heart can't be suffering terribly - so it's a good thing that you didn't marry him.

 

Thank you basil67 for your blunt advice. I think you are totally & absolutely right.

 

1. He used to shut out when there were problems but immediately solve them, after the break-up, redflags started to arise in front of my eyes that i did not see before. He used to leave every job once there is a problem, not only that, he used to flee the state that he used to work in & when he met me he didnt want to go back to the US because his last job was there so he started working remotely from my country. I only noticed that after the break-up. It means he is unstable & he cant deal with his problems.

2. In our culture, breaking into someone's privacy especially out of concern is not that of a big deal. What happened is i knocked for 30 minutes & i knew he was inside so i got worried & told someone to open the door to check on him. What i did made me feel guilty for the first couple of weeks, i thought i ruined our relationship because i used to say if i didn't go to his room that night perhaps we would have been together now. But this is not the case, he shuts down when he is having a problem instead of communicating with me which led me to behave this way.

3. For me it is silly basil67, because when i am in a relationship i stick to it. If i broke into his room out of concern because he was shutting me down is a reason to break off an engagement then what will happen when we get married and have kids? thats when we will face huge challenges & problems. But he showed me his true colors when he left & didnt even give me or us a chance to fix anything.

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toomanyquestions123

So i dont know why but lately i am having guilt feelings about what happened & i am blaming myself again, but of course on a smaller scale now. I just keep saying that if i didnt go to his hotel that night & went straight to my house nothing of this would have happened. BUT, if i havenet done that he wouldnt have showed me his true colors. He shut me down the whole day, he was thinking about stuff that i have the right to know about, that they are not worth to be mad of, they just need some decent communication instead of shutting off. If i didnt go there, i would have stayed with him for more time & perhaps after getting married he would have done that & more harm will be caused. Part of me hates him for making me feel this pain, the other part wants to forgive him & just completely forget about him. I still wake up sometimes crying. Is this normal??

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My question again. Why do people leave without saying anything? Why after something minor like a fight they leave? Why do they do this? Hang in there. Your situation is similar to mine. So I know exactly ho you feel.

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toomanyquestions123
My question again. Why do people leave without saying anything? Why after something minor like a fight they leave? Why do they do this? Hang in there. Your situation is similar to mine. So I know exactly ho you feel.

 

May i know what is your story ? for dumpees it seems without any reason but for the dumper there are many reasons. In my case, when we talked after the break up when i asked about a closure, he told me we simply are culturally different. Thats a reason for him, but why foe god's sake you didnt say anything ? Plus, of course we are culturally different we are from 2 totally different cultures, why we got engaged then ?

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May i know what is your story ? for dumpees it seems without any reason but for the dumper there are many reasons. In my case, when we talked after the break up when i asked about a closure, he told me we simply are culturally different. Thats a reason for him, but why foe god's sake you didnt say anything ? Plus, of course we are culturally different we are from 2 totally different cultures, why we got engaged then ?

 

people are strange. you can follow my story by clicking on my name and see my post. But hang in there. I keep telling myself im going to look back and laugh and say " what was i thinking"

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May i know what is your story ? for dumpees it seems without any reason but for the dumper there are many reasons. In my case, when we talked after the break up when i asked about a closure, he told me we simply are culturally different. Thats a reason for him, but why foe god's sake you didnt say anything ? Plus, of course we are culturally different we are from 2 totally different cultures, why we got engaged then ?

 

people are strange. you can follow my story by clicking on my name and see my post. But hang in there. I keep telling myself im going to look back and laugh and say " what was i thinking"

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toomanyquestions123
people are strange. you can follow my story by clicking on my name and see my post. But hang in there. I keep telling myself im going to look back and laugh and say " what was i thinking"

 

Oh trust me, you will get there, i had 2 previous relationships that i thought i will never get over. I look back now and say WTH, was i drunk the whole time ? but i dont think i will say this with my ex-fiance, because i really liked him, but maybe i will say this if i met someone that treated me even way better. You will get better as well. Please keep posting, it helps.

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