I'm in love with the wrong guy and can't do anything about it!

[AlinaSmi]

I fell in love with a guy (he's 31, zodiac sign is pisces, I'm 23, also pisces if it matters) from another country, and can't do anything about it( I met him on tinder this summer. I texted him first, and he immediately asked to go on a date the next day. He asked me what I'm looking for, I told him to answer that question first and he said as if he's only interested in serious relationships, and if I was dating for fun then he's the wrong person. I was too shy so I asked him if I could bring my friend with me (he is gay).

 

He got confused at first but agreed as he really liked me. The date went perfect, we we're joking a lot, he was boasting too much though. He even seemed narcissistic, or maybe he wanted me to like him as he was giving compliments to me all the time and taking me to all the fancy places, I almost felt like I'm in heaven. We were sitting on a roof top bar of the hotel, he started kissing me, I told him I'm just too quiet and maybe shy, he said that's just exactly what he's looking for, then he told me as if he didn't want to fall in love but he might come back if I want.

 

Then he added that he wasn't going to sleep with me, but wanted me to stay with him. I was too drunk and naive, so I asked him why, he said he just hadn't planned anything and then he took me to the pharmacy. We came back to his hotel room, started kissing and everything and he suddenly took his shirt he already had taken off and told me to wait for a second as he should see his friends. Then he came back with weed and started smoking (I'd told him I don't use such stuff) and asked me again why I was using the app and if it's for fun. I was surprised and didn't know what to answer so I told him as if it is, asked him the same question, he told me the same, that he had been in a relationship 2 months before (he was using some confusing words), also he had gone on 2 dates before and nothing ever turned out of them and that he rarely ever goes on a date or uses tinder.

 

Everything went perfect, we woke up together, he asked me to stay with him again. I was at my friend's place waiting till he's back from his friends to see me when he texted me to go to his hotel room, that he's going to the airport in half an hour ( he was texting me all the time we were apart that day), I went there and told him I didn't know he's leaving already. He said he didn't either, and then said he's hoping I didn't have much expectations from him. I was shocked and said I didn't. He was surprised and asked how, and I told him that it had been clear to me from the beginning ( I didn't have the courage to ask him about the relationship straight forward).

 

Then he told me how good I am, that any man would be very happy to be with me, that everything would be different if we lived in the same country and that I'm either a good actress or the purest thing he's ever seen. He said he was addicted to drugs, that things in his life are too complicated and such stuff, and behaved as if he didn't care for anything. Then he asked me if I'd get too sad if he never texted me or I'd ever hear from him, of course I said I wouldn't (what else could I say). Then he asked me if I'd like to see him again, I said I wouldn't mind, he laughed as that was a political answer, so I said I would. Then we went down and said goodbye to each other( I texted him later saying I was thankful to him for spending such beautiful and amazing time with him, and that I was still wondering about his question concerning my expectations as he had previously mentioned he's into serious relationship. He didn't answer to that message.

 

Later I liked his photo on fb accidentally ( we're not friends as he seemed to avoid adding me on fb and I never asked), and I texted him that it was by chance and fb suggested his profile through the phone number and that he didn't think I was stalking him. He texted "ahaha It's ok to like me ". I texted that I had already deleted it and he didn't answer. I don't know why I actually said that, maybe I still felt angry about him. Even later I saw a group photo of him with his friends (they had also seem us together) and his ex on fb, and I got surprised as it had been taken a day before his visit. They even seem to still like each other's photos on fb and I wonder if they can be now friends or he lied to me.

 

Now I see his location changes on tinder I couldn't see before and it drives me so mad( This might mean he uses tinder, though he even asked me to take condoms as he wasn't going to use them and that he has no time for dating. I'm sorry for taking your time. I just fell madly in love with him and I don't know what to do. I wonder if I should text him ( he also said he might come back in summer for a concert as he's a musician. Also I lost his shirt while holding it on the street and think I can buy a similar so that there might be a reason to text).

 

I don't want to be mean or something, but I just don't know what to do. Please give any advice!!

Edited January 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[preraph]

If he's an addict, you would never be first. Please understand that.

[clam]

Avoid like the plague. This has all the hallmark signs of a union that won’t go well...

[Arieswoman]

Alsmi

 

preraph nails it here;

If he's an addict, you would never be first. Please understand that.

He said he was addicted to drugs, that things in his life are too complicated and such stuff, and behaved as if he didn't care for anything.

Why would you want a guy like this? ^^^

 

If you date someone who is adicted to anything drink/drugs/gambling/gaming/fast cars, whatever, there will always be threee of you in the relationship and you will only ever be No2.

[HumanMachine]

You fell in love with a guy afer one tinder date... really...

[Nadine123]

You fell in love with a guy afer one tinder date... really...

 

She probably has anxious attachment style or had issues in her childhood which makes her attach to anyone who shows her a bit of kindness. Dont disregard peoples feelings like this.

[AlinaSmi]

If he's an addict, you would never be first. Please understand that.

Thank you for your reply!

I don't really know if he is, he might tell me so on purpose so that I would not like him. He was just too romantic and nice, can't believe everything he said was nothing but a lie( Maybe there is also my fault?

[AlinaSmi]

Avoid like the plague. This has all the hallmark signs of a union that won’t go well...

Thanks for your answer!

I don't even hope to get into something serious with him as it's impossible. The only thing I want is to see him again. I want to know he cares a bit for hurting me yhough I never showed I'm disappointed not to appear a real fool. He said he could read people through lines. So he might guess it by my behavior. I know this is wrong but I just can't get this through and maybe I could behave in a way I won't regret later when I see him again. Just not sure that's possible( And if I better keep suffering than texting him(

[AlinaSmi]

Alsmi

 

preraph nails it here;

Why would you want a guy like this? ^^^

 

If you date someone who is adicted to anything drink/drugs/gambling/gaming/fast cars, whatever, there will always be threee of you in the relationship and you will only ever be No2.

Thanks for answering!

I don't believe he's a teal addict, and even if he is he can change. That has nothing to do with me as it's impossible we can ever be together since he's from a different country. I just don't know why he lied to me all the time being so nice to me at the meantim. And the fact about his girlfriend makes me even more confused. I just still see him as perfect and can't notice other guys. I don't know what to do. And I'm so desperate to realize he could be so mean tolie to me and then say I'm the purest thing he ever seen and never care about anything(

[AlinaSmi]

You fell in love with a guy afer one tinder date... really...

This might sound foolish, cheap or whatever. It's the way it is.

[AlinaSmi]

She probably has anxious attachment style or had issues in her childhood which makes her attach to anyone who shows her a bit of kindness. Dont disregard peoples feelings like this.

Thank you a lot for kindness!

I had a very unhealthy relationship before him and that was my only one experience so he was the second guy I ever had. I even told him he's the only one I ever woke up together. I just can't believe he could be so nice and fool me in such a way. Why would he lie? Maybe it's me to blame? How can he behave likethat and not care at all? This hurts so badly. I have so many questions that are as clear as a bell but still unreal and so mean. I don't know what to do.(

[HumanMachine]

Thank you a lot for kindness!

I had a very unhealthy relationship before him and that was my only one experience so he was the second guy I ever had. I even told him he's the only one I ever woke up together. I just can't believe he could be so nice and fool me in such a way. Why would he lie? Maybe it's me to blame? How can he behave likethat and not care at all? This hurts so badly. I have so many questions that are as clear as a bell but still unreal and so mean. I don't know what to do.(

 

You let your guard down and told him too much, he took advantage.

[d0nnivain]

I was too drunk and naive, !!

 

This is going to end up being a very dangerous combo for you. You are very lucky this man didn't hurt you or worse.

 

You don't meet strangers off OLD in a hotel. I don't care if your gay friend came with you or not.

 

You don't get drunk with strangers & then rely on their kindness for safety. On a 1st date, you limit alcohol. Never have more than 1-2 drinks when out with somebody for the 1st few times. You cannot initially unconditionally trust people you meet on OLD. It's a safety issue but it also gives the wrong impression. Nobody wants to be with a drunk.

 

Never believe a strange man who says he wants to sleep -- just to sleep -- with you in his bed. I'm shocked that this didn't turn into date rape or some grey situation where you giggled, said no, made a half-assed attempt to push him away & then woke up the next morning claiming you didn't know how it just happened.

 

Understand something very important. You are not in love with this man & he doesn't gives one whit about you. You are the silly girl with her head in he clouds & romantic unrealistic fictionally fueled dreams about what love is. You are infatuated with this guy because he opened up worlds you hadn't seen before -- drinks under the stars in a fancy hotel rooftop bar. It was an illusion designed to get in your pants. He was also lying to you. Any man who wants a real long term relationship does not ask the obviously naïve girl he just met to spend the night in his bed. He also doesn't get high with her. The fact that he has a GF proves that this was him looking for some "strange" while away from home. He's not a nice guy.

 

He lied to you because he could. Predators like him can easily spot prey like you. You were probably wide eyed, sweet, & impressionable. Guys like him can see you coming & they take advantage of it because they can without much effort. You have to get better at spotting guys like him & avoiding them. He's a player & you got played.

 

You need to cut him out of your life. No good can come from you continuing to chase him. He thinks poorly of you & does not respect you. It's time to wake up to the harsh realities of life & learn to take proper precautions for your own safety. Ditch the fictional notions about love you see in the movies & read about in books. You will continue to have these unhealthy relationships until you develop a healthy sense of cynicism.

 

Take care of yourself. The next time you are tempted to do anything of the things you did on the dates with this man, imagine yourself talking to your grandmother before each action. Think about what she would tell you to do & then do that.

[AlinaSmi]

You let your guard down and told him too much, he took advantage.

Maybe( Does this mean he didn't respect me concerning my behavior?(

[d0nnivain]

Maybe( Does this mean he didn't respect me concerning my behavior?(

 

There's no maybe about it. You didn't even let your guard down. You were too naïve to know to even put your guard up in the 1st place.

 

Yes, it means he did not respect you. He was looking for a victim & he found you because you fit the bill so easily.

 

I'm sorry to be harsh but I'm worried about you. Your sweet wide-eyed innocence is going to get you hurt until you learn to protect yourself & make better, safer decisions.

[AlinaSmi]

This is going to end up being a very dangerous combo for you. You are very lucky this man didn't hurt you or worse.

 

You don't meet strangers off OLD in a hotel. I don't care if your gay friend came with you or not.

 

You don't get drunk with strangers & then rely on their kindness for safety. On a 1st date, you limit alcohol. Never have more than 1-2 drinks when out with somebody for the 1st few times. You cannot initially unconditionally trust people you meet on OLD. It's a safety issue but it also gives the wrong impression. Nobody wants to be with a drunk.

 

Never believe a strange man who says he wants to sleep -- just to sleep -- with you in his bed. I'm shocked that this didn't turn into date rape or some grey situation where you giggled, said no, made a half-assed attempt to push him away & then woke up the next morning claiming you didn't know how it just happened.

 

Understand something very important. You are not in love with this man & he doesn't gives one whit about you. You are the silly girl with her head in he clouds & romantic unrealistic fictionally fueled dreams about what love is. You are infatuated with this guy because he opened up worlds you hadn't seen before -- drinks under the stars in a fancy hotel rooftop bar. It was an illusion designed to get in your pants. He was also lying to you. Any man who wants a real long term relationship does not ask the obviously naïve girl he just met to spend the night in his bed. He also doesn't get high with her. The fact that he has a GF proves that this was him looking for some "strange" while away from home. He's not a nice guy.

 

He lied to you because he could. Predators like him can easily spot prey like you. You were probably wide eyed, sweet, & impressionable. Guys like him can see you coming & they take advantage of it because they can without much effort. You have to get better at spotting guys like him & avoiding them. He's a player & you got played.

 

You need to cut him out of your life. No good can come from you continuing to chase him. He thinks poorly of you & does not respect you. It's time to wake up to the harsh realities of life & learn to take proper precautions for your own safety. Ditch the fictional notions about love you see in the movies & read about in books. You will continue to have these unhealthy relationships until you develop a healthy sense of cynicism.

 

Take care of yourself. The next time you are tempted to do anything of the things you did on the dates with this man, imagine yourself talking to your grandmother before each action. Think about what she would tell you to do & then do that.

Thank you so much for giving advice! I realize every single eord you say is true. I agree about the head in the clouds because of the fancy romantic dating stuff, the only thing is that he represented me to his friends, also there were a lot of people there, so nothing bad he could really do to me and he also didn't seem capable of that. I didn't have many drinks, just got drunk (not too drunk), like tipsy and so lost my mind after his beautiful words. He said he wasn't going to sleep with me but wanted me to stay with him. I don't know why he said so, and Ia sked him why. We did have intimacy afterwards.The fact of him having a gf confuses me a lot, as he said he'd been in a relationship 2 months before we met, his friends all got to know me, and eventually he's on tinder. I wonder why would he cheat on his gf and lie to me. He was too attractive and knew how to behave, so he could get any attractive woman he wanted. Why would he try that much, he was even doing some magic tricks to surprise me. I had told him I never use any kind of drung or weed during the date so he didn't even offer me anything. How could he cuddle with me and sleep?( He has no respect for me because I slept with him or because of my behavior? I feel so humiliated, oif only I could change the impression I made(

[HumanMachine]

She probably has anxious attachment style or had issues in her childhood which makes her attach to anyone who shows her a bit of kindness. Dont disregard peoples feelings like this.

 

So not love then

[d0nnivain]

The impression you made was who you are: A naïve inexperienced girl with her head in the clouds who was swayed by the pretty words of a player.

 

He lied because he was away from home.

 

I am sorry to hear that you did have sex with this guy. But what you need to learn from this is the minute a man invites you into his bed, he wants sex. When he says just to sleep he's LYING to you!!!!

 

He never had any respect for you. He did all those things because to him you were a pretty, amusing toy. He never saw you as a potential partner. He saw you as a silly girl he could easily manipulate.

 

He lied to you & cheated on her. His friends were all aware because like him they have no integrity.

 

You need to develop a better radar for BS. You need to learn when you are being played. First clue -- the fairy tale magical early dates are ONLY arranged by players. Good guys, the guys with little game, who are honest, loyal & who make the best long term BFs / husbands, suck at arranging the great dates. I am a lot more cynical then you & joke that I like players because they "give good date." The secret is you can't believe a thing they say; it's all an illusion designed to get you to sleep with them. Until you learn that you will be repeatedly hurt by these master manipulators.

Edited January 25, 2018 by d0nnivain

[AlinaSmi]

The impression you made was who you are: A naïve inexperienced girl with her head in the clouds who was swayed by the pretty words of a player.

 

He lied because he was away from home.

 

I am sorry to hear that you did have sex with this guy. But what you need to learn from this is the minute a man invites you into his bed, he wants sex. When he says just to sleep he's LYING to you!!!!

 

He never had any respect for you. He did all those things because to him you were a pretty, amusing toy. He never saw you as a potential partner. He saw you as a silly girl he could easily manipulate.

 

He lied to you & cheated on her. His friends were all aware because like him they have no integrity.

 

You need to develop a better radar for BS. You need to learn when you are being played. First clue -- the fairy tale magical early dates are ONLY arranged by players. Good guys, the guys with little game, who are honest, loyal & who make the best long term BFs / husbands, suck at arranging the great dates. I am a lot more cynical then you & joke that I like players because they "give good date." The secret is you can't believe a thing they say; it's all an illusion designed to get you to sleep with them. Until you learn that you will be repeatedly hurt by these master manipulators.

Thank you a lot for making me realize the realistic side that I might've been too afraid to see. Does this mean he loed also about going to dates, as he mentioned hed a couple of them that didn't work out. And that he has no time, he doesn't use tinder (his locations change though), he even told me to take condoms as he wasn't going to use them, he even mentioned he likes masturbating. That was so strange and mena. I can't understand why he said so and I didn't take them of course telling him I didn't need them either. He even asked me about when I had decided to have sex with him, I was angri and said as if I had decided from the beginning, he couldn't believe. So he told me I might be an actress or just too pure. I don't really get what he meant and why should I be a good actress. And the way he was feeding his ego doesn't match his behavior. He even showed me a photo of his friend frim his country telling he's too good looking so that I would say he looks much better. And why did he ask me if I would like to see him again if he was never going to text me or see me( Now I even feel like he eas making fun of me.

[AlinaSmi]

There's no maybe about it. You didn't even let your guard down. You were too naïve to know to even put your guard up in the 1st place.

 

Yes, it means he did not respect you. He was looking for a victim & he found you because you fit the bill so easily.

 

I'm sorry to be harsh but I'm worried about you. Your sweet wide-eyed innocence is going to get you hurt until you learn to protect yourself & make better, safer decisions.

Did my behavior mostly make me mean and cheap or the fact I slept with him? And why would he try his best to impress me? I might be good looking, but he was too attractive with manners and everything that could help him get any girl he ever wants.

[d0nnivain]

You certianly were not mean. I'm not gonna call you cheap because that implies that you would give it up for anybody who asked. What you did was get played. He fooled you. In your naivity you fell for his charm, his well rehearsed false promises & the dream he wove in your star struck eyes. I will say you undervalued yourself.

 

 

He lied about EVERYTHING. For all you know that might not be his real name. (OK, I'm exaggerating because you saw is social media but guys like him do lie about their identities). He's probably always on Tinder & any other hook up site. If he's that good looking & that smooth, he doesn't even need the internet. He can probably talk most girls out of their panties pretty easily because he's so charming. Every single thing he did & said was calculated & well rehearsed because he knew exactly what you wanted to hear & you fell for it.

 

 

He didn't "try his best" to impress you. He did what came easily to him. It looked impressive to you but it was effortless for him. It was all a game.

 

 

He's not making fun of you. It's worse. He isn't thinking about you at all. Making fun of you would require him to think about you, to care enough to want to taunt you. You were a pretty dalliance during his trip. You were of no consequence to you. At most he'd be willing to have sex with you again next time he's in town to cheat on his GF.

 

 

You need to get angry. Then you need to get smart so charlatons like him don't continue to take advanatge of you. You need to be better at setting boundaries & valuing yourself.

 

 

Right now you also need to go get yourself checked for STDs. You are not the first girl he hooked up with. Some of them may have been dumb enough to let him go without a condom, especially if his MO is to ply them with alcohol. Would you even have realized if the condom came off during sex? Especially because he told you he wouldn't need the condoms you have to assume he put your health at risk.

[CantTakeMySmile]

You don't meet strangers off OLD in a hotel. I don't care if your gay friend came with you or not.

 

You don't get drunk with strangers & then rely on their kindness for safety. On a 1st date, you limit alcohol. Never have more than 1-2 drinks when out with somebody for the 1st few times. You cannot initially unconditionally trust people you meet on OLD. It's a safety issue but it also gives the wrong impression. Nobody wants to be with a drunk.

 

 

^^^This is REAL and Scary. Please respect yourself more than this!!! You don't want to become a statistic

[AlinaSmi]

You certianly were not mean. I'm not gonna call you cheap because that implies that you would give it up for anybody who asked. What you did was get played. He fooled you. In your naivity you fell for his charm, his well rehearsed false promises & the dream he wove in your star struck eyes. I will say you undervalued yourself.

 

 

He lied about EVERYTHING. For all you know that might not be his real name. (OK, I'm exaggerating because you saw is social media but guys like him do lie about their identities). He's probably always on Tinder & any other hook up site. If he's that good looking & that smooth, he doesn't even need the internet. He can probably talk most girls out of their panties pretty easily because he's so charming. Every single thing he did & said was calculated & well rehearsed because he knew exactly what you wanted to hear & you fell for it.

 

 

He didn't "try his best" to impress you. He did what came easily to him. It looked impressive to you but it was effortless for him. It was all a game.

 

 

He's not making fun of you. It's worse. He isn't thinking about you at all. Making fun of you would require him to think about you, to care enough to want to taunt you. You were a pretty dalliance during his trip. You were of no consequence to you. At most he'd be willing to have sex with you again next time he's in town to cheat on his GF.

 

 

You need to get angry. Then you need to get smart so charlatons like him don't continue to take advanatge of you. You need to be better at setting boundaries & valuing yourself.

 

 

Right now you also need to go get yourself checked for STDs. You are not the first girl he hooked up with. Some of them may have been dumb enough to let him go without a condom, especially if his MO is to ply them with alcohol. Would you even have realized if the condom came off during sex? Especially because he told you he wouldn't need the condoms you have to assume he put your health at risk.

Thank you so much for helping me!

I guess everything he did was effortless as he might be a professional already. he was first to mention about the condoms. After he had told me he wasn't going to do anything but eanted me to stay and I aked why, he said we should go to the pharmacy. He asked me if I'm not using pills while unpacking them and I said I didn't. He even told me smiling we could have beautiful kids though as if a joke. I didn't let him touch me without condoms. He didn't make me drunk on purpose or force me anything, he was just asking all the time if I want some drinks, as well as when I met him to say goodbye. He didn't lie about his name he had a different name on fb though. He only looked a bit angry when I was checking wifi password on the list and looked on his name for a minute. I didn't even do that on purpose. I thought he's got a good personality and I still want to think that way at least I wish I could.

[AlinaSmi]

You don't meet strangers off OLD in a hotel. I don't care if your gay friend came with you or not.

 

You don't get drunk with strangers & then rely on their kindness for safety. On a 1st date, you limit alcohol. Never have more than 1-2 drinks when out with somebody for the 1st few times. You cannot initially unconditionally trust people you meet on OLD. It's a safety issue but it also gives the wrong impression. Nobody wants to be with a drunk.

 

 

^^^This is REAL and Scary. Please respect yourself more than this!!! You don't want to become a statistic

Thanks for your concern!

This is quite a different case. I wouldn't be anyway.