Will we grow from separating.

[JellyBelly4]

I love my boyfriend, but the spark is gone. I have tried to bring it back in different ways by having him go out with me more but he refuses. I even tried bringing toys to the bedroom but it’s not helping. I knew he wasn’t into social things as much as me but he said he’ll try & we use to have fun hanging out but since we moved, he stopped. He’s also a nasty person around the house . It’s like he has no order and leaves everything everywhere. On top of it all, before the spark left, we moved to a new city because he was supposed to be going back to school. Before we came I told him that I thought it was a good idea for us not to move due to the cost of things or that I should move with my parents but he insisted and I followed, but things didn’t go as planned when we moved here (so I thought) I also had to finish school too so I made the sacrifice to drive 2 hours away every Tuesday and had to quit my job to finish my last semester. He supported me all the way which is why I stayed and stepped it up for him , but I was still sad because it was a real struggle for me. He found a good paying job, that’s how we’re surviving.

 

Well, we had a talk and he slipped up and said that he knew he wasn’t going back to the school in March but we moved in July. So I’m livid because I did all of that for him to FINALLY tell me that he knew that all along, plus now we are struggling because we are living off of 1 income because I am still out of a job and it was hard finding another one. We are behind on bills and our credit scores are declining . Before I was with him I was building myself up, even when I was with him I managed my money well and we could’ve saved way more before we moved. On top of that we left our good paying job to move here because he said he was going back to school.

 

Now I feel like that was the last straw that broke the camels back because I could’ve avoided this struggle all together if he would’ve been honest. I asked him why he lied and he said because he didn’t want people judging him. I have been nothing but understanding to this large headed Boy and he even says that I motivate him to do better. Now I’m realizing that I’m not motivating him to do better I’m telling him what to do. If it was motivation i wouldn’t have to point out what needs to be done like a mother and he talks about marrying me but I don’t want to have a husband that is irresponsible like that especially if he doesn’t notice that we’ve been struggling because of a lie.

 

I just want to know if I’m being harsh and I need to work on this or if I need to let him go so that we both can get out stuff together & possibly get that spark back because I honestly love him and I don’t mind working on things but I feel like a relationship isn’t his strong point because he doesn’t take care of business when another person is involved & i definitely don’t want to cheat on him but I’m so angry. Help!

[basil67]

JellyBelly, I'm going to suggest that you probably don't love him anymore but you haven't given yourself permission to acknowledge how you're feeling about him now. Honestly, what is there to love? It doesn't sound like he's adding to your life in any way - rather, he's dragging you backwards.

 

If you leave, YOU will grow. You sound like someone who's got the drive and ambition to do so. But he will flounder. Sure, he may make promises of change, but I very much doubt any changes will stick. Just look at how long his last promise of change lasted.

 

Lastly, you talk about motivating him. It's not your job to motivate him! It's his job to motivate himself. And if he can't be bothered, then there's nothing you can do.

 

This relationship is done. Time to move on.

[PegNosePete]

WHY on earth do you want to get the spark back with a disrespectful, dishonest, manipulative, unfaithful guy like this????

 

You need to ditch this muppet and move forward with your life. He is holding you back from finding happiness.

[Yosemite]

Once you have to start mothering a man, it’s over.

 

I don’t blame you for being angry, just be thankful that you’re not actually married to this man and can leave more easily.

 

There’s no reason to hang on to this man-child. He’s asocial, messy, unmotivated, lies about significant issues and you’re paying the price with your credit rating, job etc. He should’ve felt guilty seeing you driving two hours to school and quitting your job because of his lie, but it doesn’t seem like he did.

 

I guess you guys are in your 20’s; that’s probably when people are the most motivated career wise. If he’s this unmotivated now, what will he be like in his 30’s and later? He's dragging you down and it will only get worse the longer the relationship goes.

[grace4ever]

I am sorry that you are going through this situation. It is heartbreaking when the one you love doesn’t have the same way of view, especially with all the sacrifices you have made of; leave your good employment and finish your education. But please do not feel discouraged! Don’t give up! Even in the deepest darkness, there’s always hope. However, Christian therapy or counseling can be helpful to work through things like this. You and your boyfriend are valuable and worth fighting for. Perhaps have you consider also reevaluating your relationship with your boyfriend? Have you thought to talk to him about why did he not keep his word to come back to college? Let me tell you that love is not a feeling. Love is not just feeling sparks for the other. Love is to make a decision and when you are in love with someone you must accept strengths and weaknesses. Love involves to make sacrifices for the other. When you want to give an important step like marriage it is better that you think with the head and no follow your feelings. It is important that you let your boyfriend know that honesty is one of the most important needs for a woman. Honesty builds trust in a relationship. And trust is one of the most important values for a relationship works. Let me tell you that there’s no perfect persons, so there’s not perfect relationship. But there’s couples who never give up and want to fight for their relationship and each other. I do not know whether if you believe in God, but I will keep you in my prayers, my friend.