Dumped and hurting but focused on moving on...

[CaliBabe]

Hello LS members! I am a veteran poster and I have received so much knowledge, perspective and advice from you all over the years that I like to periodically come back and pay it forward and help out with advice when I can. If anyone has time to read this, I would appreciate any feedback, comments or advice.

 

I was dating a man for 10 months and he recently decided to leave the relationship. We were best friends and had so much fun. I own my own business while he had a blue collar job. I of course never cared about the money or the status but I know he did and as the relationship started getting more serious I could tell it would bother him more and more. After getting to know him over time, I learned he was very inexperienced in relationships, he only had one girlfriend prior to me (he's 32), he was not a great communicator, he was insecure and also that he was not very ambitious. He is very quiet, likes to keep to himself and kind of a hermit. The only thing that remotely bothered me was that he wasn't ambitious, everything else I felt like we could work through together as a couple. He was a bit quirky and had a very different personality than what I was use to but I accepted him for who he was. What I adored about him was how funny he was, how carefree he was and how consistent he was.

 

We have a weekly ritual of watching football and playing heads up fantasy. Whoever wins fantasy gets to pick the date for the following week and the loser pays. It's been so much fun and the score has been pretty close to even. So after our normal fantasy match we had planned to watch an early movie. I was running late and told him that I skipped dinner and asked if we could eat after. He was agitated as I was already running late and had a huge attitude. I called him out on his attitude and he told me to just go back home. I told him this was dumb and if we could just move past this and go to the movies. We went and after the movie I had expressed how we should be able to talk things through without just immediately going to "forget it just go home". It brought back feelings of the two prior times he broke up with me and I started to cry telling him how much it hurts every time he leaves and dumps me. It made me feel so disposable. I never threatened our relationship and broke up with him when I was upset however he has done this twice before this third time. I told him that there will not be a third time, if he broke up with me again I asked him to please think about it and be sure as this next would be the last, no negotiations.

 

I could tell he was shutting down and we left. He did not reach out to me for 3 days so I called and asked if this was something we could work out. He told me he didn't want to and that he wanted to be by himself. He didn't want to answer to anyone and that I would find someone who made more money, was better in bed, etc etc. The man completely shut down.

 

I said that I think he was making a mistake and to please meet me halfway and work on this. If he needed space it would be no problem, but meet me halfway and we could work on our problems, together. He declined.

 

We hung up and that was it. I have been so sad and I cry randomly when I think about it. I realize that I have to let this go as he is not in a place to be a participating partner in a relationship. In the relationship I was mindful to be patient and understanding with him, we always had so much fun, I know as a woman to keep my man happy in the bedroom (I have a high sex drive on my own) so that was never a problem. It hurts so much when I feel like I have been such a great partner to someone who wouldn't even meet me halfway...

 

I am strict NC and trying to move on. I am solely focused on myself. The only things I care about are things to make myself better, more beautiful (I feel good when I look good) and on making money. Parts of me wonder if he will ever reach out to me and ask for a second chance but then I remember the two prior times he broke up with me. He never reached out to me those two times, once because I was at fault, but the second time he said that even though he wanted to he didn't because he was afraid I would reject him.

 

I know that I no longer feel safe in the relationship and I know that I deserve someone who is a willing partner. Someone who will meet me halfway.

 

I have guys who are in my DMs, who have asked to take me out and I have curved them all for this man... My ex was so socially awkward that I doubt he has women in the woodworks and he was still willing to walk away. Since I am so devastated I have no interest in dating at least not immediately. I feel like most would people would entertain attention just to make themselves feel better but I just want to make sure I do things the right way. Heal properly and not hurt someone else because I was being selfish. Hopefully I will feel better in the next couple weeks and can be in a place to consider dating...

 

Sorry for the long post it is therapeutic for me to write this out, those who have hung in there... any advice, comments or encouragement is welcome. Thank you.

[SevenCity]

A few comments,

 

- You appear to be one of those exceedingly rare women who guys are lucky to have because they are about as common as a unicorn. Keeping your man happy in the bedroom? Working through issues like an adult? Paying your share of dates? Good communication skills? Come on! I've yet to meet a woman who possessed all those qualities.

 

- He felt inferior to you. Guys need to know they are doing things right and like to feel successful. When his accomplishments are dwarfed by yours it likely made him feel like a failure. I've dated a bunch of women on OLD who were quick to think I was stupid for 1) owning a home. 2) washing my hands after using the bathroom. 3) saving money rather than squandering. It's fine to have different opinions, but when a woman starts out with "Your problem is..." It doesn't make you feel good. You need a partner, not a critic.

 

Although you did none of those things (unless you often brought up his lack of ambition), sounds like he felt like a failure in comparison to you. Many men would rather have a woman look up to them then down on them. This is his issue not yours (again. Assuming you didn't berade him about lacking ambition).

 

- He sounds immature and is acting like a baby, or like an emotional woman rather than using logic to dictate his actions. Getting upset is one thing, but huffing "forget it just go home" is immaturity in its purest form. The girl I recently stopped seeing, and the one before her, were exactly the same. When I didn't cave to their wishes quickly or enthusiastically enough I would get "Just forget it". My response has become "Ok".

 

- once someone breaks up with me, I eliminate them from the LTR pool (sans my long term ex, but she never came back). Both these last girls I dated broke up with me more than once. After the first time they were relegated to sex and taken out of consideration for a real relationship. The final breakups were expected and welcomed. If someone does it once they will do it again. Moreover, if they are willing to launch the relationship nuke rather than calming down and talking like an adult, they are incapable of a healthy relationship.

 

I know you cared about him and are suffering, but 3 breakups in less than a year is too much. As a woman with great qualities you will find a guy better suited for you and will not miss this drama queen for long.

 

Best of luck.

[CaliBabe]

Sevencity,

 

To confirm, I did not berate or even bring up the lack of ambition. Instead what I did was try to lead by example and hope he would follow suit. I did try to spark things by inviting him to the book store, or sending him TED Talks I found on YouTube but that was the extent of it.

 

I think what you said about a man needing to feel like he is successful is a big thing. I can understand that from a male standpoint how important that can be. For once in my life being a go getter and successful bit me in the ass.

 

I admire you being able to recognize that someone breaking up with you takes them out of the LTR pool. Wish I recognized that sooner.

 

Thanks for the perspective and comments. Really appreciate it.

[SevenCity]

Glad I could help. It's cliche to say, but in the future you'll be kicking yourself saying "Why did I put up with that idiot?"

 

Your thoughts are now clouded by emotions and it will likely take longer than you want to get over him. But this is one of those cases where you 100% will find better.

 

Think in the future when you have a new bf and get into a fight and he says "Honey, I don't want to fight with you. I know we are both upset but let's tslk this out and not go to bed angry."

 

I've yet to meet a woman who said that to me. Your chances of finding a guy who is enlightened are far greater.

Edited January 20, 2018 by SevenCity

[CaliBabe]

Glad I could help. It's cliche to say, but in the future you'll be kicking yourself saying "Why did I put up with that idiot?"

 

Your thoughts are now clouded by emotions and it will likely take longer than you want to get over him. But this is one of those cases where you 100% will find better.

 

Think in the future when you have a new bf and get into a fight and he says "Honey, I don't want to fight with you. I know we are both upset but let's tslk this out and not go to bde angry."

 

I've vet to meet a woman who said that to me. Your chances of finding a guy who is enlightened are far greater.

 

Your words give me hope and have eased my broken lil heart a bit.

 

Thank you Sevencity.

[SevenCity]

Your words give me hope and have eased my broken lil heart a bit.

 

Thank you Sevencity.

 

 

And I'm not blowing sunshine up your butt. Having dated many women, I can say your individual qualities are rare, the odds of the combination are incalculable.

 

You'll do just fine, remember that.

 

The only thing between you and happiness is time. If we knew how much time it wouldn't be so bad. But it's the not knowing that makes us feel it will be forever.

 

It won't, but may feel like it is. Just hang in there and stick to your NC guns. Remember the bad if he reaches out.

[FilterCoffee]

Hey CaliBabe,

 

Your ex partner sounds like a nice guy but he definitely had his own problems that were holding this relationship back. In my view, you didn’t do anything wrong and had perfectly reasonable expectations but for whatever reason something wasn’t right for him. I don’t know if it was a money/status thing that was bothering him but there’s only so much you could’ve done. Just leave him be and move on with your life.

 

Best Wishes

[qtntran]

Hi CaliBabe,

 

You sounds like an emotionally mature and independent woman. Don't ever think that your professional success is a hindrance on finding love. Unfortunately not many men have the self confidence to be with one because it's a constant reminder of their low self-esteem, insecurities, and lack of "manhood." That's his problem, not yours. There's really nothing you can do, even if you did nothing to push the issue.

 

I also once dated a guy who would shut down emotionally (or stonewalled) whenever we get into a fight or argument. Any conflict would trigger him into running or avoiding the situation because he can't deal or confront the problem. Of course in the face of his rejection I pushed back and ran after him. He retrieved into his man cave and we broke up. It took me a long time to accept that no matter what I do (be the perfect gf), he won't change and I'm tired of being the "fixer" in the relationship. Plus, his avoidance personality makes for a terrible life partner. Good to have fun with, but don't rely on him to work things out with you. That was a hard lesson for me to take away.

 

However, I know all these facts can't heal your wound. You still have to go through the grieving process, for both your relationship and friendship. My advice is to go ahead and feel the pain, let it all out but don't fight it or make more stories about it. You tried your best, no regrets. The sooner you allow yourself to feel everything the quicker you can heal.

 

If you get a chance, check out this book: Women who love too much by Robin Norwood.

You know yourself best so it's great that you're focusing on yourself and not jumping back out there again. I'm sure you'll know when the time is right. Best wishes and keep on being your fabulous self!

[CaliBabe]

Hey CaliBabe,

 

Your ex partner sounds like a nice guy but he definitely had his own problems that were holding this relationship back. In my view, you didn’t do anything wrong and had perfectly reasonable expectations but for whatever reason something wasn’t right for him. I don’t know if it was a money/status thing that was bothering him but there’s only so much you could’ve done. Just leave him be and move on with your life.

 

Best Wishes

 

I appreciate your insight and I appreciate you confirming that my expectations were reasonable. Just taking it one day at a time at this point.

[CaliBabe]

Hi CaliBabe,

 

You sounds like an emotionally mature and independent woman. Don't ever think that your professional success is a hindrance on finding love. Unfortunately not many men have the self confidence to be with one because it's a constant reminder of their low self-esteem, insecurities, and lack of "manhood." That's his problem, not yours. There's really nothing you can do, even if you did nothing to push the issue.

 

I also once dated a guy who would shut down emotionally (or stonewalled) whenever we get into a fight or argument. Any conflict would trigger him into running or avoiding the situation because he can't deal or confront the problem. Of course in the face of his rejection I pushed back and ran after him. He retrieved into his man cave and we broke up. It took me a long time to accept that no matter what I do (be the perfect gf), he won't change and I'm tired of being the "fixer" in the relationship. Plus, his avoidance personality makes for a terrible life partner. Good to have fun with, but don't rely on him to work things out with you. That was a hard lesson for me to take away.

 

However, I know all these facts can't heal your wound. You still have to go through the grieving process, for both your relationship and friendship. My advice is to go ahead and feel the pain, let it all out but don't fight it or make more stories about it. You tried your best, no regrets. The sooner you allow yourself to feel everything the quicker you can heal.

 

If you get a chance, check out this book: Women who love too much by Robin Norwood.

You know yourself best so it's great that you're focusing on yourself and not jumping back out there again. I'm sure you'll know when the time is right. Best wishes and keep on being your fabulous self!

 

QTNTRAN! So you have been through this! I was the fixer as well (obviously) but not this time, not when someone is unwilling to meet me halfway. My point exactly when there is any type of disagreement or when things got uncomfortable and you had to confront feelings of any type he just ran! Completely retreated. How did you handle this? How did your relationship end? Did he try to reappear later on?

 

And your book recommendation... This is why I come to LS for little tokens of gold such as this. I just ordered this book on Amazon and feel it will really speak to me. Thank you for taking the time to respond and share your experience and for sharing something you think might help me out. I really appreciate it.

[qtntran]

QTNTRAN! So you have been through this! I was the fixer as well (obviously) but not this time, not when someone is unwilling to meet me halfway. My point exactly when there is any type of disagreement or when things got uncomfortable and you had to confront feelings of any type he just ran! Completely retreated. How did you handle this? How did your relationship end? Did he try to reappear later on?

 

And your book recommendation... This is why I come to LS for little tokens of gold such as this. I just ordered this book on Amazon and feel it will really speak to me. Thank you for taking the time to respond and share your experience and for sharing something you think might help me out. I really appreciate it.

 

Your ex is literally my first bf lol. We had this dysfunctional dynamic for 10 years and broken up countless times I don't even remember. Heck, he would emotionally pull away or ask to break up whenever he lost his job. Each time I felt rejected and having to be the "beggar" to get him to talk to me and fix the problem.

 

I think the whole time he just think the problem was me trying to make every situation into a problem. And when it became too much for him he ran bc he couldn't face me but really it was his own weakness and issues he couldn't face. If he can confront them then he would need to change and he didn't want to do that. He was too comfortable in his ways and anyone or situation challenging that is the enemy. In the end I had to accept who he is and no amount of determination, love or "fix-it" glue will do. I realized that a healthy relationship requires both people to take responsibility for their issues and be willing to grow. It's not our job to fix the other person. We can only fix ourselves.

 

Guys like this are avoiders. They avoid conflict, people, and situation bc they don't have to skill set to handle their own emotions or anyone else's. No point in telling a pig to climb tree. They change when they want to (if ever). It's really sad when you think about it. They adapt this coping mechanism when things get tough. I'm the confrontation type so we were the perfect match (not!). I pride myself on being the fixer/problem solver so I think that was what carried us through.

 

Thinking back I ran after him for the "fixer" high, to prove to myself that I can fix anything, even a broken relationship. That didn't really give me time to sit down and reflect on whether or not we were right or good for each other. We finally ended when I unleashed 10 years of anger and frustration on him in an email titled "20 things I hate about you." That pretty much sealed the deal lol.

 

I did have some weak moments afterward thinking about reconciliation but I was tired of fixing stuff, especially people. I wanted him back to fill in that void and emptiness, but I had to sit with the pain and fill it with self love for myself. Now, I only want someone who just fit like a glove vs trying to force someone or myself into a hole that doesn't fit. So now whenever I feel drawn to a "fixer upper" relationship, I run like mad the other way. Not that I'm expecting a perfect relationship, but at least with a partner with emotional intelligence and maturity to handle conflict and be open to working together.

 

I see every relationship as a learning experience so there's no "fail" relationship in my book. Luckily I outgrown him after we meet up again a year later when he wanted to get back together. I confidently told him "no thanks."

 

Hope you enjoy the book and get a lot out of it!

Edited January 21, 2018 by qtntran

[Nadine123]

i hope this helps you

 

 

http://www.coda-pdx.org/uploads/1/7/6/2/17624337/road_to_recovery_v3_-_current.doc

[Thingsfallapart]

You do sound like the perfect girlfriend:)

 

I think a lot of guys don’t mention it, but I think we always feel we need to be the provider so it can take some getting used to when your woman earns more than you...

 

OP,

I think you should just do what your doing. Sometimes you’re too good for someone and they know it...

Maybe you knew it too:)

Take care

[SevenCity]

Hi CaliBabe,

 

You sounds like an emotionally mature and independent woman. Don't ever think that your professional success is a hindrance on finding love. Unfortunately not many men have the self confidence to be with one because it's a constant reminder of their low self-esteem, insecurities, and lack of "manhood." That's his problem, not yours. There's really nothing you can do, even if you did nothing to push the issue.

 

I also once dated a guy who would shut down emotionally (or stonewalled) whenever we get into a fight or argument. Any conflict would trigger him into running or avoiding the situation because he can't deal or confront the problem. Of course in the face of his rejection I pushed back and ran after him. He retrieved into his man cave and we broke up. It took me a long time to accept that no matter what I do (be the perfect gf), he won't change and I'm tired of being the "fixer" in the relationship. Plus, his avoidance personality makes for a terrible life partner. Good to have fun with, but don't rely on him to work things out with you. That was a hard lesson for me to take away.

 

However, I know all these facts can't heal your wound. You still have to go through the grieving process, for both your relationship and friendship. My advice is to go ahead and feel the pain, let it all out but don't fight it or make more stories about it. You tried your best, no regrets. The sooner you allow yourself to feel everything the quicker you can heal.

 

If you get a chance, check out this book: Women who love too much by Robin Norwood.

You know yourself best so it's great that you're focusing on yourself and not jumping back out there again. I'm sure you'll know when the time is right. Best wishes and keep on being your fabulous self!

 

Just some food for thought....

 

Men typically deal with issues differntly than women. We often need alone time to process what happened and don't seek outside advice or interaction until we can fully understand the situation ourselves. A lot of us want to wait until the emotions die down so we can discuss things logically. Many women want to confront the issue right there when emotions are high.

 

I've been guilty of retreating not because I wasn't man enough, but because I was afraid my anger would result in illogical actions or words. I've worked on this but the women I've dated lately were happy to continue throwing insults with raised voices (thereby showing their emotional immaturity).

 

I am not saying that the guys reacted well in your situation or the OPs, but in most situations it's better to let him go for a walk, have a smoke, grab a beer, play a game, go for a drive, etc. to clear his head before confronting the the issue.

 

Something like "Hey I know we are both upset now. Why don't we calm down for an hour then talk about it?" Rather than pestering him and berading his manhood. Nothing will make a guy shut down faster.

[bluecastle]

Just want to chime in here and say two things: I'm feeling for you, and I'm inspired by you.

 

In so many ways you could be describing the three year relationship I got out of four months ago. For all the incredible things she and I shared (hobbies, laughter, chemistry) there was a huge gap on the ambition/maturity front. For a long time I tried to suppress that this bothered me, which was easy because she was 12 years younger (go ahead and insert eye roll) and I thought some of that would just kind of evolve in time.

 

But when things became challenging (when we needed to communicate, etc.) she just shut down/became tetchy like your ex (whereas I went into let's-fix-it overdrive) and I came to realize she approached her personal life much the way she did her professional: she wanted it to kind of just magically happen, with little effort. Confrontation was her enemy, where confrontation is my fuel, and that created a kind of imbalance where she invariably felt a bit small in my shadow—and, ironically, any attempt I made to tweak that only reinforced it.

 

I still love her, or at least love what I thought we could have. I remain in pain for how things unraveled (plenty of drama on that front), and invariably think about reconciliation here and there. But those thoughts go like yours: if only she'd step up and reach out (she's done so a bit, but passive aggressively; i.e. not confrontationally), and then I remember that that "if only" was kind of the bee in the bonnet of the whole relationship. What seems the smallest step for me is, for her, a gargantuan leap. And those are her issues to sort out, not mine.

 

Being a goal oriented person, it was easy for me to feel like a failure, and I spent some time chastising myself for not being able to keep it together. But for what it's worth I eventually started to find a lot of solace in the idea that this relationship was essential (and even beautiful) in that it allowed me to see the kind of partner I could and aspire to be: someone unafraid of confrontation and communication, eager to put in the work when needed.

 

But—and it seems you're seeing this, too—I need a co-conspirator for that journey. Lifting the weight alone was draining, as I'm sure you can relate. Carrying it with someone else, someone with the same perspective—now THAT sounds incredible, and that's what I'm now working on cultivating as I work on myself. That still-mythic person doesn't need to match me in terms of income, but they need to favor engagement over disengagement—the core of what we call ambition.

 

One of the hardest parts of this journey for me has been asking the question of WHY I (ambitious, creative professional, no debt, homeowner, socially engaged) was so drawn to someone who never paid bills on time, canceled job interviews to hang out, and made little effort to cultivate a world of her own. Did I want to save her? Have my deepest insecurities (past the veil of "success") lead me to be frightened of being with a true equal? Do I find some twisted pleasure (to crib your example) of being the one who sends the Ted Talk links rather than receives them? Was it easier to dodge the way I needed to grow/my own issues by focusing on someone else's growth?

 

I've gotten some answers on that front—therapy!—and have had to accept that, while I'm far from a controlling partner, I have a propensity toward wanting to control the narrative. But control is an illusion, especially when another person is involved. So now I'm working on teaching myself how to relinquish control so, ultimately, I can hold the reigns together and write the story together.

 

Anyhow, I'm rambling here about me only in solidarity with you. You strike me as an incredible woman, and you deserve to be with a man who cherishes that and isn't intimidated by it. And you'll find it. Me, I mourned in NC for a few months, and have recently gone on a few dates. Nothing major, but refreshing to remember that there are so many different kinds of people out there, and that if I can keep my own savior complex in check and learn to share some of my deeper vulnerabilities I'll be able to share my life with someone on a different level.

 

Keep doing what you're doing—digging deep and kicking ass—knowing that you're not alone.

[vickyp]

Sorry cali but I don't mean to hijack your post, but I have a question for you or anyone who can answer. When your partner breaks up with you when things get tough or because they can't handle the stress in that moment. And you being the "fixer" would that be a sign of manipulation ?Or someone who isn't mature for "tough times"

[CaliBabe]

You do sound like the perfect girlfriend:)

 

I think a lot of guys don’t mention it, but I think we always feel we need to be the provider so it can take some getting used to when your woman earns more than you...

 

OP,

I think you should just do what your doing. Sometimes you’re too good for someone and they know it...

Maybe you knew it too:)

Take care

 

 

I did know it... I just thought that I was doing the right thing. Be with someone for who they are not anything else and now look at me. Dumped.

 

I suppose this is the universe making way for something better suited for me? Thanks for the kind words, it helps that there was nothing I can do. I'll keep on truckin, thanks thingsfallapart.

[CaliBabe]

Just some food for thought....

 

Men typically deal with issues differntly than women. We often need alone time to process what happened and don't seek outside advice or interaction until we can fully understand the situation ourselves. A lot of us want to wait until the emotions die down so we can discuss things logically. Many women want to confront the issue right there when emotions are high.

 

I've been guilty of retreating not because I wasn't man enough, but because I was afraid my anger would result in illogical actions or words. I've worked on this but the women I've dated lately were happy to continue throwing insults with raised voices (thereby showing their emotional immaturity).

 

I am not saying that the guys reacted well in your situation or the OPs, but in most situations it's better to let him go for a walk, have a smoke, grab a beer, play a game, go for a drive, etc. to clear his head before confronting the the issue.

 

Something like "Hey I know we are both upset now. Why don't we calm down for an hour then talk about it?" Rather than pestering him and berading his manhood. Nothing will make a guy shut down faster.

 

You are right. I think as grown women we assumed we were dealing with grown men and it became clear that was not the case. People deal with things differently and I will take heed of your suggestion for the future.

[CaliBabe]

Just want to chime in here and say two things: I'm feeling for you, and I'm inspired by you.

 

In so many ways you could be describing the three year relationship I got out of four months ago. For all the incredible things she and I shared (hobbies, laughter, chemistry) there was a huge gap on the ambition/maturity front. For a long time I tried to suppress that this bothered me, which was easy because she was 12 years younger (go ahead and insert eye roll) and I thought some of that would just kind of evolve in time.

 

But when things became challenging (when we needed to communicate, etc.) she just shut down/became tetchy like your ex (whereas I went into let's-fix-it overdrive) and I came to realize she approached her personal life much the way she did her professional: she wanted it to kind of just magically happen, with little effort. Confrontation was her enemy, where confrontation is my fuel, and that created a kind of imbalance where she invariably felt a bit small in my shadow—and, ironically, any attempt I made to tweak that only reinforced it.

 

I still love her, or at least love what I thought we could have. I remain in pain for how things unraveled (plenty of drama on that front), and invariably think about reconciliation here and there. But those thoughts go like yours: if only she'd step up and reach out (she's done so a bit, but passive aggressively; i.e. not confrontationally), and then I remember that that "if only" was kind of the bee in the bonnet of the whole relationship. What seems the smallest step for me is, for her, a gargantuan leap. And those are her issues to sort out, not mine.

 

Being a goal oriented person, it was easy for me to feel like a failure, and I spent some time chastising myself for not being able to keep it together. But for what it's worth I eventually started to find a lot of solace in the idea that this relationship was essential (and even beautiful) in that it allowed me to see the kind of partner I could and aspire to be: someone unafraid of confrontation and communication, eager to put in the work when needed.

 

But—and it seems you're seeing this, too—I need a co-conspirator for that journey. Lifting the weight alone was draining, as I'm sure you can relate. Carrying it with someone else, someone with the same perspective—now THAT sounds incredible, and that's what I'm now working on cultivating as I work on myself. That still-mythic person doesn't need to match me in terms of income, but they need to favor engagement over disengagement—the core of what we call ambition.

 

One of the hardest parts of this journey for me has been asking the question of WHY I (ambitious, creative professional, no debt, homeowner, socially engaged) was so drawn to someone who never paid bills on time, canceled job interviews to hang out, and made little effort to cultivate a world of her own. Did I want to save her? Have my deepest insecurities (past the veil of "success") lead me to be frightened of being with a true equal? Do I find some twisted pleasure (to crib your example) of being the one who sends the Ted Talk links rather than receives them? Was it easier to dodge the way I needed to grow/my own issues by focusing on someone else's growth?

 

I've gotten some answers on that front—therapy!—and have had to accept that, while I'm far from a controlling partner, I have a propensity toward wanting to control the narrative. But control is an illusion, especially when another person is involved. So now I'm working on teaching myself how to relinquish control so, ultimately, I can hold the reigns together and write the story together.

 

Anyhow, I'm rambling here about me only in solidarity with you. You strike me as an incredible woman, and you deserve to be with a man who cherishes that and isn't intimidated by it. And you'll find it. Me, I mourned in NC for a few months, and have recently gone on a few dates. Nothing major, but refreshing to remember that there are so many different kinds of people out there, and that if I can keep my own savior complex in check and learn to share some of my deeper vulnerabilities I'll be able to share my life with someone on a different level.

 

Keep doing what you're doing—digging deep and kicking ass—knowing that you're not alone.

 

Whoa! Its the same situation but the sexes being reversed. The thought just blew my mind. I appreciate you sharing your story, it helps me not feel alone. The fixer complex and relinquishing control. Good Lord thats huge! I didn't realize it until you said it but you're right, it was kind of my way of having control. By fixing things. I have a therapist as well and I have learned so much and have aspired to be very emotionally healthy so I do the work. Work through any issues old or new that I have. It has really helped me to evolve. I am writing that one down though to discuss with her. Me being the fixer was me subconsciously trying to control the situation.

 

Its hard to relinquish control or just allow things to happen when you're a control freak. I am aware though and working on it. I have even more awareness now thanks to you sharing your story and thoughts.

[CaliBabe]

Sorry cali but I don't mean to hijack your post, but I have a question for you or anyone who can answer. When your partner breaks up with you when things get tough or because they can't handle the stress in that moment. And you being the "fixer" would that be a sign of manipulation ?Or someone who isn't mature for "tough times"

 

You are not highjacking at all! I appreciate the feedback and comments.

 

To be clear, you were asking that me being the fixer is being the manipulator/person who isn't mature enough for tough times? I just want to understand clearly before I respond.

[Mystyry]

OP, both your story and one bluecastle shared resonate with me. I've been in a relationship with mismatched ambitions and drive, and tried to make it work, but that is exactly how it feels - hard thankless effort, work, with little satisfaction at the end when it inevitably breaks. Add to that the insecurity on your ex's part and it breaks even faster.

 

I came to realize it's a major incompatibility and learned what I could from it, and stashed it away in my folder of dealbreakers. That's all any of us can do. Every day is going to be a little bit easier. There is a good Mexican/Spanish saying I like: better to be alone, than in bad company. Trite, but still very true. Wishing you strength, OP.

[qtntran]

Just some food for thought....

 

Men typically deal with issues differntly than women. We often need alone time to process what happened and don't seek outside advice or interaction until we can fully understand the situation ourselves. A lot of us want to wait until the emotions die down so we can discuss things logically. Many women want to confront the issue right there when emotions are high.

 

I've been guilty of retreating not because I wasn't man enough, but because I was afraid my anger would result in illogical actions or words. I've worked on this but the women I've dated lately were happy to continue throwing insults with raised voices (thereby showing their emotional immaturity).

 

I am not saying that the guys reacted well in your situation or the OPs, but in most situations it's better to let him go for a walk, have a smoke, grab a beer, play a game, go for a drive, etc. to clear his head before confronting the the issue.

 

Something like "Hey I know we are both upset now. Why don't we calm down for an hour then talk about it?" Rather than pestering him and berading his manhood. Nothing will make a guy shut down faster.

 

I understand that everyone deals with conflict differently and that ex was my first bf so I didn't understand the concept of man cave at the time and ran after him. I was impatience and couldn't deal with not knowing what's going on and he was bad at communicating it to me. Now I know better. I just tell him, "Take all the time you need. I'll be here if you need me or want to talk." Then I get busy doing my thing.

 

I think regardless of whether you're an man or woman, whenever your partner retreat or shut down in any way it's viewed as a threat to the relationship and the other person takes it personally. So it's important to reassure each other that you need space and will be back (or call them back) and keep the promise! It's also nice to let them know if your upset has anything to do with them or not so they won't overthink things while you're gone.

 

I agree that it's wise to step away to gather yourself when emotions run high. This is not a bearing of weakness and I never intend to call out any guy for doing so. It's not communicating with your partner and just take off that's the problem. It's a respect thing IMO.

 

Hopefully you get to date more emotionally mature ladies in the future.

[WhatsYourDamage]

Hey Calibabe,

 

this was extremely eloquent & I am sorry you're going through this, similar to what you said to me he seems to be more of a boy. NC is the best way to go and atleast you learned something.

 

I don't if he'll be back but I wouldnt be surprised either way

[qtntran]

Whoa! Its the same situation but the sexes being reversed. The thought just blew my mind. I appreciate you sharing your story, it helps me not feel alone. The fixer complex and relinquishing control. Good Lord thats huge! I didn't realize it until you said it but you're right, it was kind of my way of having control. By fixing things. I have a therapist as well and I have learned so much and have aspired to be very emotionally healthy so I do the work. Work through any issues old or new that I have. It has really helped me to evolve. I am writing that one down though to discuss with her. Me being the fixer was me subconsciously trying to control the situation.

 

Its hard to relinquish control or just allow things to happen when you're a control freak. I am aware though and working on it. I have even more awareness now thanks to you sharing your story and thoughts.

 

As a recovering control freak I can tell you it's doable. It's a deep rooted fear of change or the unknown/uncertainty. Learn to do thing with the best intention but LET GO OF THE OUTCOME of how you want or think things should be. Life is nothing but change so embrace the beauty in that.

 

High intention, low attachment.

 

It's a practice of non-attachment to situation, things and people. It will feel really strange at first and your mind will go crazy because you care so much about everything. It will take time and practice. Go slowly one thing at a time until it becomes second nature to you.

[CaliBabe]

 

High intention, low attachment.

 

It's a practice of non-attachment to situation, things and people.

 

 

THIS!!! High intention, low attachment. YASSS queen, tell it!