Panic attacks and other problems with No Contact

[neverenough]

Dear all of you who are heartbroken or in a bad place because of love...

 

first of all, I want to tell you that we will all go through it. It is hard and nobody ever deserves feeling that way. It is hard and it is destroying you but I think that we all will grow from it. No contact is a natural way of reacting to a break up. Some take longer to do it while others can do a clean cut and start sooner with it. I think I read every single thread there is on the internet about this topic and how ti stop hoping or how to know if there is a second chance... don't even start me on all theese get your ex back guides. Don't do it, don't buy it... please don't waste your money. Talk with people or if you don't have that option talk here.

 

No contact is the hardest part. It is something between trying to act like if you want to move on and be the best effing self you can be but in the beggining this is really the last thing you want. You want them back... and this is my biggest problem. Hoping and than convincing myself to stop doing it. My relationship lasted a little les than 3 1/2 years and I am very in love with my ex-boyfriend. There is so much to our story but in the end it doesn't mather. He broke up because he lost interest in me and I didn't fix it when I had the chance because I was in constant denial. I too tought that we would get married in the future and have a happy little family- but who of us didn't think that?

 

My question is: How did you get through no contact or how are you dealing with it if you are doing it now. I was okey in the first weeks but now I am a total mess. I have the biggest urge to call him or to email him every day. People around me give me perfect reasons to not do it but I need more or maybe some ideas how to cope with that because I'm getting sort of a panic attack from holding back from it. After that I feel terribly exhausted

 

Any ideas or experiences or stories about it? I already wrote in the no contact thread but didn't ask for advice.. so I am asking now

 

Lots of hugs from me

[d0nnivain]

I got dumped in my mid-20s & didn't see it coming. The night he did it, I actually thought he was coming over to propose. Whoops.

 

 

Before this BF I had never spoken to a BF on a daily basis. It was something he wanted & pressed for. Until him I thought it was only something married people did.

 

 

So when he broke up with me, in addition to being devastated I was flabbergasted. I didn't know how I was supposed to go from talking to him every day, sometimes twice a day to not talking at all. This was before cell phones. We'd have a lunch time call at work. Then talk after work on the rare occasions when we weren't seeing each other.

 

 

We struck this weird deal that won't work for most people. For one week after the break up I was allowed to call him every day after work & talk for 5 minutes but I couldn't talk about our relationship or the break up. It was more to hear his voice, discuss our days etc. The next week I was only allowed to call 5 out of the 7 days & the calls were 4 minutes. Third week 3 days 3 minutes. I might have the exact figures wrong but you get the drift. The point was I couldn't go "cold turkey." I had explained that he had time to think about the BU before dropping the bomb on me where as I was emotionally shattered so he needed to be kind. He was. I never used up all my time & I honored the limits on the topics; I tried to be strong but the idea that I could call him was helpful to me during the transition. The gradual fade out helped me but I realize that this plan wouldn't work for most people.

[neverenough]

That was something I thought about but it would just lift my hopes up higher...

[d0nnivain]

Have you come up with a substitute? Posting here? Calling a friend? Journaling?

[bluecastle]

Depending on how you look at it, I'm either in week 6 of no contact or week 3.

 

Break up was the end of September, though there were plenty of dramatic exchanges for the first month that kept resetting the moving on button. Then came a month of silence when I went on a trip, then a brief flare up, followed by silence save two brief happy holiday texts, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

 

Anyhow, I know what you're going through. For me, the first three weeks were just miserable. I won't bore you with the specifics (you can read my posts) but I was still holding on to some idea that we'd get back together. So there was a heightened state of panic where I was consumed with thoughts of reaching out for days on end, worried I was missing my chance, etc.

 

That said, I think deep in my core I knew it wasn't the right time—so I chose to feel the panic rather than try to control/suppress it by reaching out. My thinking was: IF we were to happen I had to fully let go of what we were, heal from that, accept the loss, and deal with all the crazy feelings that come. In other words, I had to grow, for myself, and so did she; otherwise we'd be the same people who, ultimately, did not work. More to the point: I needed to HEAL, and I needed to heal on my own.

 

So I just kind of did that, and you know what happened? The feelings/panic began to fade. It was almost like I needed to burn off that energy rather than reach out and have it reinforced with false expectations.

 

What I couldn't deny is that every day I didn't speak to her I felt a little bit better deep inside. Sad, yes. Lonely, yes. But less anxious, more present, and I could see the relationship, and all its flaws, a lot clearer. Much as I missed her, I didn't want to go back to what we had.

 

I was tapping back into myself, and it felt GOOD. I spent time with friends and went on some very cursory dates—some refreshing, some awful, but so it goes—and after a bit I remembered that there is a whole world out there that doesn't have a fraction of the nonsense my relationship had become.

 

Don't get me wrong—it remains hard. I'm certainly not over it, but I accept that it's all just a process. Would I LOVE to hear from her? Of course. But I know that moment of adrenaline would give way to even sadder feelings, and I don't want that. If it happens, it'll happen in a way that feels organic and surprises me, not because I gave into panic.

 

Don't know if that helps.

[neverenough]

I did everything. I started running again, talked to my mother and friends, I journal every day but I have the feeling that this won't work for me. Running or stuff like that is something I can't do all the time or talk to my mother and friends because they have their own life and will get sick of me talking about it. Journaling is nice because it gets my thoughts out but then I get scared that I am obsessing too much. See? I really try but its not working because I get theese panic attacks suddenly when I am doing spomething and the only thing I want to do is reach out.

I know how pathetic I sound and I am kind of embarrassed but nothing is helping.

 

When you got over it - was it for good or did the need for talking stay a little longer?

[neverenough]

Depending on how you look at it, I'm either in week 6 of no contact or week 3.

 

I was tapping back into myself, and it felt GOOD. I spent time with friends and went on some very cursory dates—some refreshing, some awful, but so it goes—and after a bit I remembered that there is a whole world out there that doesn't have a fraction of the nonsense my relationship had become.

 

Don't get me wrong—it remains hard. I'm certainly not over it, but I accept that it's all just a process. Would I LOVE to hear from her? Of course. But I know that moment of adrenaline would give way to even sadder feelings, and I don't want that. If it happens, it'll happen in a way that feels organic and surprises me, not because I gave into panic.

 

Don't know if that helps.

 

This. Do you believe me when I say that my heart doesn't want me to feel GOOD it just wants to hold on. I want to say that its normal but not for a few weeks into the break up. I don't understand why I have be so bad for so long. My head is hesistand to allow me to feel good even though something rational in me is yellig to stay away from contacting because it will put me even deeper than where I was at day one. My problem is that when he said that it was over I immediatly blocked him from my life and I regret it so hard because I didn't give myself the chance to be just a little stupid and try to talk or convince him so that I can see him one last time. Theese thoughts are messing my head up and I just cannot stop it.

 

I cant wait to be in that state of min in which you are now you did a great job with the no contact an healing

[inmyownworld]

This is a good question. I haven't been able to come to the realization yet that I need to go NC. I have been emailing with my ex for 2 weeks now and he's doing it too. We still love each other, but I can't take him back. The thing I am realizing though is that keeping the talking going with him is actually hurting me MORE than if I didn't.

 

He keeps asking me to recount what went on in our relationship and keeps apologizing for what he did. I know it's about him trying to figure out why he did what he did, and I am trying to help him because I still love him. But going over the past hurts and answering his questions is actually like stabbing myself over and over again.

 

Maybe if you realize not talking to your ex will heal you faster will help? I don't know, I am at a loss too. I can totally relate to your agony.

[neverenough]

This is a good question. I haven't been able to come to the realization yet that I need to go NC. I have been emailing with my ex for 2 weeks now and he's doing it too. We still love each other, but I can't take him back. The thing I am realizing though is that keeping the talking going with him is actually hurting me MORE than if I didn't.

 

He keeps asking me to recount what went on in our relationship and keeps apologizing for what he did. I know it's about him trying to figure out why he did what he did, and I am trying to help him because I still love him. But going over the past hurts and answering his questions is actually like stabbing myself over and over again.

 

Maybe if you realize not talking to your ex will heal you faster will help? I don't know, I am at a loss too. I can totally relate to your agony.

 

Oh god, I just hope that we will all pass this quick and if not quick then that we all find someone who loves us like we do. I mean, deep down, I know that this will happen but I don't care at the moment This whole process is like waiting to see my doctor (I live in southern europe) - wait for forever and then just go home because you got hungry and don't care that you are sick :laugh:

Here is one - more laughing

[Young mind]

TIME TIME TIME, time does heal all wounds, these are all emotions which we try so hard to control and they literally spill out on every occasion, break ups are hard, but if they were nice, there will be no LS, if the dumper didn't treat us like garbage to prove their point we will never learn, I see people who were 200 kg become personal trainers a year after they were dumped, where did all that motivation come from, where did we suddenly realize we mattered most?, when did we realize we are not alive to eternally serve our exes happiness ?.

Trust me outside our exes families, it can be funny to realize that the next and probably the only people who put our exes on such a high place in the skies, is US!

Our exes are like all other human beings to others, their opinions could not even matter in a group of friends or colleagues, but to us the 'dumped' we image them to be some supernatural being,

Not to hijack the tread, but NC and time does heal, I'm getting to my acceptance stage now, and I feel relieved , and quite satisfied with myself.

For me who was forced into Nc, actually blocked on every available medium for reasons I don't know, probably has served me better than to physically start NC,

I had a few relapses when I heard from a friend some terrible things about myself spread by my ex, had a few dreams about her, but NC and time has made me heal and step forward with my life no matter what.

It helps see your ex and just the next human being you pass on the street, they aren't some superhero, I can bet they are some exes here which will never match up in any part of their life to the one they dumped, but ist all a power game.

Most importantly, we heal, learn and move forward

[d0nnivain]

Stop thinking there's a time clock or some quota. You are obsessing as much as you need to. When you are more healed, it will diminish.

 

Granted if you were still behaving like this 2+ years after the fact I would encourage you to seek professional help but for now it's just part of the process.

[neverenough]

TIME TIME TIME, time does heal all wounds, these are all emotions which we try so hard to control and they literally spill out on every occasion, break ups are hard, but if they were nice, there will be no LS, if the dumper didn't treat us like garbage to prove their point we will never learn, I see people who were 200 kg become personal trainers a year after they were dumped, where did all that motivation come from, where did we suddenly realize we mattered most?, when did we realize we are not alive to eternally serve our exes happiness ?.

Trust me outside our exes families, it can be funny to realize that the next and probably the only people who put our exes on such a high place in the skies, is US!

Our exes are like all other human beings to others, their opinions could not even matter in a group of friends or colleagues, but to us the 'dumped' we image them to be some supernatural being,

Not to hijack the tread, but NC and time does heal, I'm getting to my acceptance stage now, and I feel relieved , and quite satisfied with myself.

For me who was forced into Nc, actually blocked on every available medium for reasons I don't know, probably has served me better than to physically start NC,

I had a few relapses when I heard from a friend some terrible things about myself spread by my ex, had a few dreams about her, but NC and time has made me heal and step forward with my life no matter what.

It helps see your ex and just the next human being you pass on the street, they aren't some superhero, I can bet they are some exes here which will never match up in any part of their life to the one they dumped, but ist all a power game.

Most importantly, we heal, learn and move forward

 

Thank you I kind of knew that this was the reason why I feel likes that right now but it is good to read it or hear it frome someone other because it has a better effect. I don't know why this is like this but hey - i think it will help me thanks again!

 

Stop thinking there's a time clock or some quota. You are obsessing as much as you need to. When you are more healed, it will diminish.

 

Granted if you were still behaving like this 2+ years after the fact I would encourage you to seek professional help but for now it's just part of the process.

 

You are right... everythink will happen as it is suppose to happen and there is nothing I can change to shorten the time or make it easier.

No, after my first break up I needed 3 months to be good but I was that bad the first week. I know that this is because this RS lasted much longer and was much more filled with real love and caring than the first one but still... 2-3 weeks of feeling that bad is confusing me because a lot happened in my life and I never needed that much to be able to be "normal" again. Of course I felt bad and was sad but never so anxious or had panic attacks.

If this lasts longer than two months I will definetly search professional help