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Trusting My Instincts


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Sorry in advance about the length! I'm looking for other perspectives - did I do something wrong, am I right in getting a bad feeling and cutting things off?

 

I started talking to this guy about a year ago. We live a couple hours apart but my family is in his area so I'm there frequently. We have been talking for about a year, but it's in the last few months that things started to get more serious. We have been intimate a few times and that went well. We are both naturally very affectionate. Everything feels natural and fun when we are together. The issue is when we are apart.

 

We never really fight when we are together, but apart we fight a lot. I feel he is dismissive of my feelings. Recent examples:

 

- He tried to video chat me a couple times one day. I was busy at the time, but later I mentioned it and said that I don't like video chatting and didn't really want to do it. He told me that it wasn't normal, why am I worried about how I look when he knows what I look like, he can't date someone who won't video chat. I'm sitting there thinking that he has attempted to video chat maybe 3 times within a year - why is this so important, is this really worth an argument like this? I tell him I feel he's not taking me seriously and is trying to force me to do something I don't want to do, and I don't understand why he's so upset about it. I offer to do it sometimes, but I would appreciate him asking if it's a convenient time...like send me a message and ask if we can video chat. He says he doesn't want to do that, he wants to just try to video chat and if I don't want to just decline...and why do I need a warning anyway, what am I trying to hide....ugh it sounds so tedious just typing it out. Finally I just agree to do it, and it isn't as bad as I thought it would be. But I feel like he could have been respectful of my feelings, I would have done it once in awhile, and found out organically that it wasn't as bad as I thought and would do it more. Plus...it's video chatting. I mean, if he is worried about trusting me, or if he has other concerns I'm very willing to listen, but then let's have a discussion and not argue about video chatting.

 

- yesterday I was making a joke about work. I said something like, "Ugh, I don't want to go to work. I mean, they have distilled water but it isn't sparkling, and they don't even put the good caviar out. It's like everyone is dressed in Abercrombie when it's clearly De La Renta time." To clear up any confusion, I work a normal job, I was joking around. He is like...I don't understand. So I say, "Well, that's because you aren't classy. I mean, I haven't ever seen you in a big hat!" (think fancy Kentucky Derby hats). So he says something about an inside joke, and I say...no...it's not....it's just a joke about work. Then he says I'm making fun of him and I say again...no. I'm not. Then suddenly he starts saying that he feels I criticize him about his apartment (He JUST moved, I asked about what furniture he was getting, and I asked about him getting a bed. He says he wants to buy a fishing boat before he gets a bed. Apparently all his other girlfriends were happy sleeping on the floor or twin mattress on the floor), his truck (I literally never said anything about his truck), and his kitchen (he leaves cupboards open all the time and I thought it was funny because I was closing everything without thinking about it, I didn't say anything negative about him leaving cupboards open, just made the observation). Anyway, when he said that I understood what he was really mad about, and I said I was sorry that I was coming across that way, but I was really only making a joke and that was all. So he tells me, "You're fat. I've never seen you wear big hats. Haha isn't that funny when things don't make sense?" At that point I was so done. My last boyfriend had intimacy issues and wouldn't touch me, so I felt extremely nervous about sleeping with someone new. I knew it wasn't my fault, but on a deep level I felt like I just wasn't good enough. So it's really not a good time to try to criticize my appearance, even if it wasn't meant literally. Plus...who says crap like that to make a point? How incredibly mean. I tried to call him to actually discuss it, he says he can't talk because his friend is 'freaking out about an important job interview and he needs to talk to her'. I say whatever, I'm clearly not on your radar now, so I'm going to just type out that I'm really hurt and upset and then I'm going to bed. He messages me later asking to talk for 10 min. I reluctantly agree, and then he makes the WHOLE HOUR CONVERSATION about how I said he wasn't classy. WTF IT WAS A JOKE DUDE. We don't even really touch on what he said. And then he said something like how I tried to exit the conversation earlier (I said that maybe I should let him go and we will talk tomorrow) and he hates that, and I pointed out he does that too. Maybe 5 min later he says, "Why do you always push my buttons?" and I laughed and said, "Well, isn't that just the human condition?" I didn't mean anything by it, but he got pissed and hung up on me. After I just talked to him for an hour. About saying he isn't' classy as a joke. After he criticized my appearance.

 

I messaged him and told him I was done. This guy is really educated and has a lot of friends and skills, and I REALLY, REALLY liked him...but he seems completely closed off to other opinions, he comes off really harshly (He will spend 20 min talking about something to me, but when I start rambling about something to him he will interrupt me and tell me that I'm boring him and he isn't interested), it feels like things have to be his way or the highway. Most of all, he gets emotional and angry about things, and then likes to paint ME as illogical and himself as the logical one. I'm tired of feeling like everything has to be an argument, I'm tired of feeling disrespected. I'm more concerned about upsetting him and preventing an argument than anything else.

 

I know that this is really long. I was really hoping that this relationship would work out because there were good things that worked, and I'm getting older and am just so tired of dating. I was really hoping that this would be it. And I know that he might message me later and try to convince me not to be done, or who knows, maybe he's fine with it and won't talk to me again. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this (I am in a new area and haven't made close friends here yet) so anything would be helpful. Thanks!

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Long distance relationships are difficult to maintain and one of the most important criteria is communication but both of you don't seem to be able to do that well with each other and that is likely not changing. Along with all the other negatives that you pointed out, this is likely for the best.

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Whoops! I forgot to mention that while the relationship is long distance now, in about 6 months I'm considering relocating back to where my family is so it would no longer be long distance at that time.

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Whoops! I forgot to mention that while the relationship is long distance now, in about 6 months I'm considering relocating back to where my family is so it would no longer be long distance at that time.

 

Regardless, it doesn't negate all the other negatives you've mentioned about him and how he treats you.

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I'd be vague & non committal for a while. If you do move, once you are settled in you can see if closing the distance gap helps but if he's generally dismissive of your feelings I don't see that changing.

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No - we talked every day, and I visited a few times, but we while we characterized it as 'dating' we were never exclusively an item...but I was supposed to come to visit next weekend and we were at a point where it would probably have been official. We were inviting each other to work events and talking about meeting family. So it was getting there.

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No - we talked every day, and I visited a few times, but we while we characterized it as 'dating' we were never exclusively an item...but I was supposed to come to visit next weekend and we were at a point where it would probably have been official. We were inviting each other to work events and talking about meeting family. So it was getting there.

 

In conjunction with the instances you described, you might be feeling a general uncertainty from talking to a guy for a year without commitment and exclusivity. The fact is that you were never in a relationship with him, and a year is way too long to wait around for that to happen. I don't know if he wouldn't commmit solely because it was long distance. Either way, I would cut my losses and move on. If you want to revisit it when you both live in the same place, you could do that if he wants to. It sounds like the two of you don't really work well together though. It sounds like a lot of squabbling.

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Oh - I wasn't waiting around for it to happen. We met, we started talking, and then both of us were dating someone else, then we both became single and decided to explore our mutual interest. We weren't like...chatting for a year hoping for it to become something. He hasn't been withholding exclusivity - we both wanted to take some time to feel things out before we made that step. We only started with the dating maybe 2 months ago? It's pretty recent - I added that we have been friends for a year to establish I've known him for a bit.

 

You are absolutely right about a lot of squabbling! I don't get why - I don't fight like this with anyone else. It's driving me nuts. Why so much drama?

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Oh - I wasn't waiting around for it to happen. We met, we started talking, and then both of us were dating someone else, then we both became single and decided to explore our mutual interest. We weren't like...chatting for a year hoping for it to become something. He hasn't been withholding exclusivity - we both wanted to take some time to feel things out before we made that step. We only started with the dating maybe 2 months ago? It's pretty recent - I added that we have been friends for a year to establish I've known him for a bit.

 

You are absolutely right about a lot of squabbling! I don't get why - I don't fight like this with anyone else. It's driving me nuts. Why so much drama?

 

Okay, I thought you were "dating" for a year. It's hard to communicate when long distance. You are really just getting bits and pieces of the person.

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Drama usually comes from misunderstanding but that should clear up when you guys talk. Other times drama is from both people wanting to be right and either willing to be wrong or own their mistakes. However from your description this guy sounded very insecure (can't take a joke) and get defensive and attack your appearance as a retaliation (which was insensitive and mean). So add pettiness to his character as well. It seems like in this relationship it's more about you yielding to his needs and making the compromise first (ie. the webcam scenario). That's not a good recipe for any healthy long term relationship.

 

You did the right thing. Always trust your instinct!

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It doesn't sound like a good match, personality wise. That said, it is true that things appear harsher when you're not in person to see their teasing body language, but this has revealed you are maybe both a little touchy.

 

The pox on people who want to Facetime and don't get you don't want them looking into your private world of slothlike comfort. Honestly, he probably was hoping to get you to start stripping for him and having facetime sex. I mean, why else would he care that much since he's already met you?

 

But you know it's true that texting and even sometimes talking on the phone, no one can see your body language, and unless your writing is very good or your voice is very emotive, it's easy to get crosswise with someone. So be very careful. And he obviously doesn't like any pressure about what he has in his home or how together his home is or how classy he is or isn't. Now, we just had another thread on this board about a guy who was always saying things and then pretending he didn't mean them. Don't be like him. If it comes out of your mouth, you were thinking it. I get you were trying to be flippant and funny, but he's not up to that, and only heard you're not classy.

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I think you made some great points here. I have thought a lot about how I handled the situation. I can agree that I should have taken him more seriously when he got upset about the classy thing. I'm also a bit more well-traveled than he is and have lived overseas and dated a lot of foreign men - he mentioned that I act like I'm more sophisticated...which I didn't think I was, but perhaps he is insecure and worries about that? I mean, I already know he's pretty insecure. I also know that I seem to be more laid back about a lot of things than he is.

 

 

Do you think I was a bit too abrupt in calling things off? Several people have mentioned things being difficult in a long distance relationship, and also he has been sick this week which might be aggravating the situation. Perhaps it's worth a conversation with him. Regardless, this kind of fighting just can't continue. It's way too stressful and upsetting.

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It's worth a sweet sincere apology and admitting that now looking back on it, you were insensitive. But realize that yes, he is insecure, and that's not going to change. That's him. You didn't make him that way, though if you talk about your travels and all that, it may make him feel bad that he hasn't done as much, which is a normal human reaction. You'd have to peel that back. Not sure it's worth it.

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Last night, I sent him a message letting him know that after thinking about it, I realized I could have been more sensitive and that I was sorry. I also said that I really liked him, but that communication seems to be such an issue and will take work to figure out, work which I wasn't sure if he felt was worthwhile to put in. He said that he wasn't sure what he wanted to do, but he did want to keep talking, so I guess that's where we are. I was supposed to visit him this weekend, I don't know if that's still going on.

 

This is where I am at: I am deeply concerned about the arguing, I do not want to date someone where I feel stressed all the time. However, I recognize that I also need to adjust my communication style where he is concerned. It's possible that maybe we can lay some ground rules to prevent things escalating and to treat each other with more respect. I'll attempt to talk to him some more today and see what happens.

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So, I have an update to the situation.

 

After I sent that message, and he said he wanted to continue to talk, I attempted to have normal conversation. It was pretty boring. Something was going on with me and I mentioned it over text, but he didn't really respond to it or ask me anything about it - instead he turned the conversation to what he was cooking, and basically just sent bland messages about himself for awhile. I was respectfully listening, and the whole time I'm feeling resentful that 1. I actually have something going on and he's being insensitive to that, 2. When I talk about something he isn't interested in, he will interrupt and say I'm boring him, but here I am feeling bored and I don't think I could do the same, 3. I'm still angry with him about the mean things he said before which he isn't even addressing nor has he apologized for, and 4. This is all one-sided. WE WERE TALKING ABOUT HIS JELLO.

 

To change the subject, I mentioned a recent news story I had just heard about a political figure, my point being that I didn't the story was relevant. He immediately responded in a really harsh way, basically grilling me on politics, calling the other political party names, gloating, and otherwise being pretty hateful. When I tried to say something, he demanded I prove it, and when I submitted sources he refuted them based on...nothing. We don't agree politically and that is fine, but I appreciate respectful, intellectual discussion about it - not this immature bashing. I didn't know he was like that, I was surprised, and I told him several times that while he is welcome to disagree politically with me, I really was upset by how mean-spirited he was speaking. Then he accused me of being illogical said I didn't understand how things worked or I was lying to him when I made an argument based on something I had experienced.

 

I told him that I felt like he was being really aggressive, that it felt like he was attacking me, that I felt that maybe he really just didn't want to talk to me. I told him that I was really sad about what had happened to me that day and I was hurt that he didn't say anything about it, that he had been so focused on his feelings about our argument the other night that it seemed like he hadn't even stopped to consider how I might be feeling. He didn't respond to any of that at all. He went back to talking about politics. He then used a politically charged phrase about that I can't stand, and I asked him not to use that phrase. He said he needed to go to bed, and to get over my bias. I was telling him that he was welcome to have his own opinions, I just didn't like how unkind he had been in discussing them. I was finishing my sentence and he says, "Shhh...go to sleep, blessed child." I was pissed. I told him to stop speaking to me so condescendingly, and that he obviously didn't care about how he speaks to me, goodnight.

 

I can honestly say that I am done. FINISHED. I don't feel sad, I don't feel anything but disgust right now. While we have been dating, this person has shown little respect for my opinions or feelings and is condescending, argumentative, insulting, and controlling. If someone speaks to me while I'm on the phone with him, I'm afraid he will get pissed and yell at me. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells all the time and no matter how kindly I say something, he will take it the wrong way. I'm afraid to have any sort of conversation with him at all. I'm stressed and unhappy most of the time I speak to him, and it IS NOT WORTH IT. I refuse to be this person who is fearful and stressed over a relationship - something that should overall feel good and be fun!

 

Thinking it over, I realize that I may have been drawn to him BECAUSE I have an abusive background, and his treatment of me feels familiar...I felt myself falling into a role in which I was constantly submissive and fearful. I wonder if this was the reason that I started to like him in the first place. I feel like I've woken up.

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So, this is what I got last night.

 

Him: How are you feeling?

Me: I'm fine.

Him: Are you better now?

 

Which pissed me off all over again. Like I'm a child that has thrown a tantrum that needed to pass, rather than a rational adult. I told him that I was not 'better', I was still upset and angry with him as a result of his words and actions, and he shouldn't expect that to just magically go away on it's own. However, whereas before I was heartbroken, now overall I feel fine.

 

To which he responded by...not responding. Until a couple hours later when he sent me a picture of what he had for dinner. I didn't respond. Then a few hours after that he messaged me what the dinner in the picture was. I don't care about your dinner, dude.

 

I am open to being friends with him, but I don't want to date. Frankly, things have been so stressful with the constant arguing that I don't even want to get into a 'thing' with him about not dating. I can't imagine he cares that much, since he knows I'm upset and he hasn't addressed it at all.

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goldenlotus, my dear... This man is not really putting in effort and not treating you the way a partner should treat the other. I say drop the friendship, drop the relationship and go full strict NC. You deserve a man who will engage, care about whats going on in your life and want to be a support system for you. Good luck doll.

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