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How much to trust your gut to break up with someone?


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I started casually seeing this woman after I had a prior bad relationship.

I told about my previous relationship because I wanted her to know that ANY form of lying wouldn't be tolerated at all.

First about a month and half we were just casual as I mentioned above. She then wanted to make it official at about the 3 month mark. I was hesitant but agreed.

So on Wednesday she tells me an ex boyfriend is coming into town and she wanted to hang out with him because he's friends with a lot of her other friends. He's married now with a child and she wanted me to come along to meet him. Hes suppose to come into town on Friday as he lives about 6 hours away.

So on Thursday I was suppose to go to work- I work nights- but I decided to take off because honestly I was tired. And I was already off on Friday a so having two days off was good.

So I go to my girlfriends place and we decide to watch a movie and eat pizza which was nice UNTIL.............her phone starts blowing up during the movie. First three times I didn't say anything but by the fifth time I asked her who keeps calling you and why aren't you answering it?

She then proceeds to tell me its her ex and he's come to our town a day early and wants to hang out with her.

So I tell her I'm open for that but she points out how tired I am and we are going to hang out with him tomorrow anyway so we should just stay in. I agree.

So Friday comes. Night rolls around and I ask her when we are going to meet up with her ex and friends. She tells me he was being annoying so she told him we are out of town for the weekend and she won't be able to hang out with him.

Now my gut is going crazy. I calmly walk out of her place and get into my car and leave.

She blows up my phone so I answer it and tell her she's lying and while I don't have "proof" her story has too many holes and that I don't want to talk to her anymore. She calls me not so nice names so I hang up and block her number.

I'm pretty sure my gut instinct was right. I have no problems with my actions but my question is did I react too fast?

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Am I missing something here? What is the problem? (Apart from you being cool with her meeting up with her ex!!!!)

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Granted she lied to her EX & you know it but you dumped her because she chose not to spend time with an EX in favor of spending time with you.

 

It's your life. It's your relationship. You can draw lines anywhere you like but seriously your gut is waaaaayyyyy off.

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First when he was blowing up her phone she wouldn't answer it and then acted shocked he had shown up a day early. I didn't think anything of it at first-had no reason to until he must have called her ten times. At that point she could have answered it and told him she will see him tomorrow and not tonight but she didn't.

And then when we are suppose to meet up with her friends and ex she LIES to them and tells them we are out of town all the sudden when everyone had planned to meet that night? I even asked her why the sudden change of plans other then the ex being annoying and she said she just all the sudden didn't feel like hanging out. Too vague and too many holes.

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To answer a posters question I'm pretty sure she was going to do something with her ex the night I was suppose to be at work but me taking off messed that up. Nobody calls someone ten times unless they had prior plans and they are wondering were that person is.

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I think you might be right if you're suggesting she made plans with him on Thursday (???) but I don't actually see any holes in her story. There may be another explanation.

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I don't know man it seems you may have overreacted a bit. I mean take a look at the FACTS you do know. Fact #1 her EX was coming into town and she instantly told you, not only that but hes married with a child and she wanted you to come with her. Fact #2 Her EX calls her a bunch of times but she chooses to stay with you! Fact #3 When Friday rolls around she chooses you again because her EX was harassing her.

 

I think her ex calling her that many times made you insecure and you took it out on her. You ASSUMED that she was going to see her ex on Thursday but there is no proof if you take a step back and look at the facts vs what you assumed you can draw a logically conclusion. I feel like your still not over your bad relationship and your carrying baggage into other relationships. Also maybe you should draw a line when it comes to EX's.

 

Hope the best for you.

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I don't know man it seems you may have overreacted a bit. I mean take a look at the FACTS you do know. Fact #1 her EX was coming into town and she instantly told you, not only that but hes married with a child and she wanted you to come with her. Fact #2 Her EX calls her a bunch of times but she chooses to stay with you! Fact #3 When Friday rolls around she chooses you again because her EX was harassing her.

 

I think her ex calling her that many times made you insecure and you took it out on her. You ASSUMED that she was going to see her ex on Thursday but there is no proof if you take a step back and look at the facts vs what you assumed you can draw a logically conclusion. I feel like your still not over your bad relationship and your carrying baggage into other relationships. Also maybe you should draw a line when it comes to EX's.

 

Hope the best for you.

 

Disagree. Having re read the OP, he made the correct decision. She was 100% up to something. He should’ve walked when she said she was going to meet her ex though.

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Just move on. You'd be doing her a favor. I have been falsely accused by men who were so sure of their gut feelings. Of course when I tell them they're wrong, they think I'm lying. But *I* know I'm not lying. Nor do I have any reason to lie to you now. (who are you to me anyway, right?)

 

So yeah, gut feelings can be way off. But you know what? that's not even the point here. I now stay as far away as possible from men with this type of emotional baggage. You can stick to your conviction that she's lying. I'm not here to tell you your gut feelings are wrong. Obviously I'm through trying to do that. Best thing you can do is just don't contact her again. You will both be happier to break up, which is all you need to know.

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. He should’ve walked when she said she was going to meet her ex though.

 

Why? She told him about the meeting. She told him the guy was now married & most importantly she invited him along. That behavior is not sneaky or indicative of infidelity. It's above board & honest.

 

Why would you advise dumping somebody for speaking to an EX in front of you? Isn't that better than behind your back.

 

On Friday I went to the wake for my late EX's mother. My husband came with me. By your logic instead of accompanying me to pay respects, my husband should have been running to a divorce attorney.

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Why? She told him about the meeting. She told him the guy was now married & most importantly she invited him along. That behavior is not sneaky or indicative of infidelity. It's above board & honest.

 

Why would you advise dumping somebody for speaking to an EX in front of you? Isn't that better than behind your back.

 

On Friday I went to the wake for my late EX's mother. My husband came with me. By your logic instead of accompanying me to pay respects, my husband should have been running to a divorce attorney.

 

Maybe a generation thing but from what I’ve heard/witnessed, someone meeting up with their ex when they’re in a relationship never ends well. I’d never consider meeting up with an ex regardless of how good our relationship was out of respect to the new partner.

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After a bad relationship, I trust my gut. I don't want the same thing happening again. I don't think there is anything wrong with it - especially when there is an ex involved.

 

 

Good luck.

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I see 2 of my EX's at least 2x per year. I have no choice. We work in the same profession & I'll go somewhere & they will be there. Nothing I can do about it. We chat for 5 minutes then go our separate ways. No harm, no foul & I tell DH when I see him later.

 

The key is transparency & keeping it all public. Granted, I don't plan to spend time with these guys but I'm not about to be rude in professional setting.

 

If the OP's GF had secret plans to see her EX on Thursday that is a problem but the fact that she invited him to go with her to see the now married EX on Friday is certainly not sneaky or untrustworthy IMO

 

I'm not sure what you mean by generational thing. I'm 50 so which way do you see the problem? I'm assuming younger folks who try to hide stuff.

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Just move on. You'd be doing her a favor. I have been falsely accused by men who were so sure of their gut feelings. Of course when I tell them they're wrong, they think I'm lying. But *I* know I'm not lying. Nor do I have any reason to lie to you now. (who are you to me anyway, right?)

 

So yeah, gut feelings can be way off. But you know what? that's not even the point here. I now stay as far away as possible from men with this type of emotional baggage. You can stick to your conviction that she's lying. I'm not here to tell you your gut feelings are wrong. Obviously I'm through trying to do that. Best thing you can do is just don't contact her again. You will both be happier to break up, which is all you need to know.

 

This! There’s a difference between gut feelings vs projecting.

 

I recently got dumped by an insecure guy who was cheated on by both his previous ex gf. He had a ‘gut feeling’ too. I never did anything to him but he just didn’t trust me. He even said I know you’re loyal and you’d never cheat but I just don’t trust you. Huh? The more he fell in love with me the worse his insecurities got. Let her go. You’ll just end up screwing up a good person (like me). May be you should get therapy, but definitely do some introspective self help work. If not you’ll just end up repeating this cycle with anyone. You can check my thread out.

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Well she stopped by my place and asked to speak to me. Said she wanted to explain what happened. I said thats fine I'd give her that.

So she tells me about the ex. Said he broke up with her but every time he would come to town they would hook up. I asked her if that continued even after he was married and she said YES.

She then told me that she did know he was coming into town on Thursday but she wasn't planning to do anything with him but she had planned to meet up with him and her friends and to use that night to tell him she was seeing someone(me) and that she no longer wanted to be fwb with him and that she only wanted to be "friends".

I asked her why she didn't tell me about meeting him a day before and she told me she wanted to" see how he reacted to her telling him the above and if he reacted badly she didn't want me to meet him because she "was ashamed of still sleeping with him even though he was married" and didn't want me to know about that.

So at that point I was honest with her and told her I really don't want to be involved with someone like her but I was willing to unblock her and remain friends because I do like talking with her but only friends.

I have no idea why I keep meeting women like this!!!!

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Well she stopped by my place and asked to speak to me. Said she wanted to explain what happened. I said thats fine I'd give her that.

So she tells me about the ex. Said he broke up with her but every time he would come to town they would hook up. I asked her if that continued even after he was married and she said YES.

She then told me that she did know he was coming into town on Thursday but she wasn't planning to do anything with him but she had planned to meet up with him and her friends and to use that night to tell him she was seeing someone(me) and that she no longer wanted to be fwb with him and that she only wanted to be "friends".

I asked her why she didn't tell me about meeting him a day before and she told me she wanted to" see how he reacted to her telling him the above and if he reacted badly she didn't want me to meet him because she "was ashamed of still sleeping with him even though he was married" and didn't want me to know about that.

So at that point I was honest with her and told her I really don't want to be involved with someone like her but I was willing to unblock her and remain friends because I do like talking with her but only friends.

I have no idea why I keep meeting women like this!!!!

 

What do you mean someone “like that”?

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Well she stopped by my place and asked to speak to me. Said she wanted to explain what happened. I said thats fine I'd give her that.

So she tells me about the ex. Said he broke up with her but every time he would come to town they would hook up. I asked her if that continued even after he was married and she said YES.

She then told me that she did know he was coming into town on Thursday but she wasn't planning to do anything with him but she had planned to meet up with him and her friends and to use that night to tell him she was seeing someone(me) and that she no longer wanted to be fwb with him and that she only wanted to be "friends".

I asked her why she didn't tell me about meeting him a day before and she told me she wanted to" see how he reacted to her telling him the above and if he reacted badly she didn't want me to meet him because she "was ashamed of still sleeping with him even though he was married" and didn't want me to know about that.

So at that point I was honest with her and told her I really don't want to be involved with someone like her but I was willing to unblock her and remain friends because I do like talking with her but only friends.

I have no idea why I keep meeting women like this!!!!

 

 

She wasn’t planning on doing anything with him.. ahahahahahaha

 

Should keep her blocked though OP, do you really want friends “like that”?

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She blows up my phone so I answer it and tell her she's lying and while I don't have "proof" her story has too many holes and that I don't want to talk to her anymore. She calls me not so nice names so I hang up and block her number.

I'm pretty sure my gut instinct was right. I have no problems with my actions but my question is did I react too fast?

 

I personally have some issues with this 'mysterious' "gut" feeling that too many talk of. It is NOT a predictable method in determining what is TRULY happening oftentimes.

 

BUT, if you want to look at the FACTS and go from there, I am with you.

 

She abruptly tells her ex that she doesn't want to see him. Okay, so? What kind of 'not so nice names' did she call you? Insecure? Insensitive?

 

I don't know for certain, but I just don't see how you came up with your 'gut' feeling based on the facts.

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She wasn’t planning on doing anything with him.. ahahahahahaha

 

Should keep her blocked though OP, do you really want friends “like that”?

 

If she wanted to she would have...

They already slept together in the past. It would be nothing for her to do it again. She didn’t have to tell OP any of this, but she decided to disclose this information for a reason.

 

So OP you get upset because you think she’s lying. She tells the truth and you still have a problem with it. She was just damned either way. You were just looking for reasons to be out because it aligned with your self fulfilling prophecy. The issue here is you, not her.

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Well at first I didn't have that feeling. But when she mentioned he was coming into town she seemed excited and looking forward to it which I had no problem with.

Its when her phone went off over and over again and she wouldn't answer it I started feeling that something might be off.

And when she told him all the sudden we were out of town and weren't going to meet up she didn't even tell me about that decision until latter that night.

When I say" like that" I'm not down with sleeping with people that are married. Don't care what the reason is or why it happened but Ive never done that and I'm not going to be with someone that crosses that line.

And she only damned herself because she straight up lied and then tried to patch over the lie with more lies.

Life is way too short to deal with that kind of drama and I learned that the hard way by dragging things out or giving people too much leeway.

She was told at the start not to lie because at this point in my life I have no time for why you lied- fact is you did.

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You did the right thing.

 

I have an ex like that. Every time I see her, she wants to have sex. It doesn’t matter if either or both of us is single, in a relationship, or married, it’s always available and something she expects every time we meet. Every. Time.

 

You don’t want to be in a relationship with a woman like that.

 

I think she definitely had something planned with him on Thursday and she was going to have the audacity to introduce him to you a couple of days after cheating on both you and his wife.

 

She’s bold. Thought she could play you for a fool. And, worse, her friends knew what was going on. She’s trifling. I’m glad you picked up on it and took action immediately. That’s what a strong man should do - be alert and decisive.

 

I always advise listening to your gut. It’s rarely wrong.

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You know the only times I've been blindsided in past relationships is when I failed to listen to my gut and was more concerned with getting proof or facts to make a decision.

The only benefit I've had is I've had some pretty horrible relationships and people that lie or cheat usually have a telltale sign that gives it away.

And it took me a couple of bad relationships to learn that.

Actions always speak louder then words.

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Well at first I didn't have that feeling. But when she mentioned he was coming into town she seemed excited and looking forward to it which I had no problem with.

Its when her phone went off over and over again and she wouldn't answer it I started feeling that something might be off.

And when she told him all the sudden we were out of town and weren't going to meet up she didn't even tell me about that decision until latter that night.

When I say" like that" I'm not down with sleeping with people that are married. Don't care what the reason is or why it happened but Ive never done that and I'm not going to be with someone that crosses that line.

And she only damned herself because she straight up lied and then tried to patch over the lie with more lies.

Life is way too short to deal with that kind of drama and I learned that the hard way by dragging things out or giving people too much leeway.

She was told at the start not to lie because at this point in my life I have no time for why you lied- fact is you did.

 

1. Why would she pick up the phone when her EX is calling while she’s with her new SO?

 

2. She lied to HIM to get him out of her hair because he wouldn’t let up, hence the incessant calling.

 

3. She had a past and screwed up. She’s trying to make it right and she’s getting punished for telling you about it. I get that people have hard and soft no’s when it comes to dating, but you have to allow people to be human. Everyone has a past and has more than likely done something that they’re ashamed of.

 

I’m guessing everything you have done your moral compass pointed exactly due north huh? Moving forward it’s probably best you find someone who just left the convent, because if they don’t have a squeaky clean past then it won’t be okay with you.

 

Now if you’re afraid that she’ll sleep with an ex while with your that I completely understand, but you were already done with her before you found out she slept with her married ex.

 

 

Again, you were looking for reasons to be out.

Edited by Emmafive
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IReallyLovePuppies

Not too sure about this op but it's your life and decision.

 

I don't think she has plan to do anything with him or that you staying home messed it up. She only needs to excuse herself to the toilet and text him and that'll be that and you won't have known anything.

 

The fact he kept blowing up her phone meant she was sincere.

 

Also.. not wanting to meet him the next day and lied about it, why not. The ex is a scum, she decided not to waste more of her time with him

 

Her sleeping with a married man.. That's her past. Right or wrong, everyone deserve a chance and it seems that she's changed caused of you..

 

But I'm a more forgiving kinda guy. Be happy friend.. that's all it matters in the end.

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