I pushed him to return to his ex

[lovkiki]

Hello everyone, I'm new here and I really need points of view and other perspectives on my situation.

 

I dated a guy for almost a year in a long distance relationship, it was really great. He told me he was planning on moving soon to my city and marrying me. The thing is, he has an ex, with whom he stayed 8 years, his high school sweetheart. But they broke up ( she ended it ) because they couldn't get along anymore, they realized they weren't meant for each other, it's like they have grown away from each other.

When I met him, it has been 1 year since they broke up but they never cut contact at all ( so many friends in common ).

 

But 3 months ago things changed, he had to meet his ex so many times on a short period ( common friends meetings, weddings, ...) She lives in the same city he does. And he became so distant and cold with me, when i confronted him about it he told that he was so confused after seeing his ex, that he hated the person she became today, BUT told me that he began to think about the 8 years spent together with her and feels nostalgic and sad that it all went to waste and it made him realize that maybe he still has something for her and that he is somehow torn between me and her ! He didn't want at all for us to break up, but didn't know what to do and refused to cut contact with her eather.

 

He couldn't let go of his past after 1 year of breakup and 1 year dating me. So i took a " weird " decision and told him : " you know what ? since you're confused in your head and heart I propose to you something : Let's break up and no talk to each other for 2 months.This girl you spent 8 years with is in the same city as you and I'm not, you're confused and she is still somehow in your mind and your heart after all this. You refuse to stop contact with her and it's hurting me, i can't continue like that, so go to her ! do everything you can to win her back, for the sake of the years spent together that you cherish that much ! Go try one more time with her ! In the meantime i will live my life too and maybe meet someone else and move on. If things happen to work with your ex then it's good for you, if not, maybe you'll realize that there is nothing you can repair between you two anymore and you have to experience it to acknowledge it and her ghost will maybe leave you forever. After exactly 2 months, we re contact each other, if we are both single and your head is clean and clear and ready to drop her and cut contact with her, we can maybe get back together, if one of us has found happiness then we will stop contact once for all."

 

He was so shocked after i said this to him, he told me it was too risky because he will take the risk of loosing me if i move on and that he doesn't really want to go back with her and to do everything to win her back. I said that he had to so he will know for sure and won't have anymore the impression of "unfinished business ", it's the only way for him to figure things out and clear his mind for good.

 

It's been 2 weeks now since we are in no contact and that he is maybe trying to win his ex back as we agreed. I may seen " strong " to ever propose something like that to the man i love more than anything in the world but i'm a firm believer of " if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours, if not, it never was ". I feel like i left him but i kept a little window open for us to find each other again.

 

I really hope it's not going to work between them and that he will come to me more loving than ever ! what do you guys think about all that ? am i crazy to push him to return to his ex ?? have you ever been in that situation ? do you think there are more chances that it will work between them and i'll maybe lost him forever ? 2 months it's gonna be so long I am afraid of having to break no contact in a moment of weakness.

 

Thank you guys for reading all this

[Frostedflake]

You didn't push him back to her. He did.

 

He presented his emotions to you in a way that he knew would upset you and make you not trust him. He sabotaged the current relationship to create room to pursue the old one. Listen closely. There was nothing you could do.

This kids mind was already made up and he made you feel like you were competing with his ex, which wasn't fair.

 

Whether it works out between them or not you deserve a lot more respect than that.

[GorillaTheater]

I think you did the only thing you could in maybe the best possible way you could. The only critique I'd offer is perhaps not offering yourself as what may be described as a Plan B if things didn't work out with the ex.

 

 

But all in all a good job. I'm sorry for your pain.

[Zahara]

I would have just let him go. I don't think keeping yourself as back-up girl was a good idea. If he even came back, it'll always stay in your mind that you were his second option.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through that but I do hope he moves on from you because it will likely be a blessing to you.

[Happy Lemming]

As a general rule, I don't talk to my girlfriend about my ex's...

 

If my girlfriend has a specific question, I will be honest and truthful and answer it. Otherwise, its in the past and I don't need to re-visit those times with her. She has only asked once about a certain person, I answered her question and the subject was dropped. We both have a past, but we leave it there.

 

You are the new girlfriend, not his therapist. If he needs to talk to someone about his ex, then he can talk to his guy friends or a professional.

 

It is not fair to burden you with all the "ex" crap. If he runs into her accidentally at a social situation, he can keep his mouth shut about it.

 

Just my opinion.

[mayonnaise]

I'm telling you that there's nothing better you could've done in the situation. I would have done the same thing as well. I know it's only been 2 weeks, and the thought of him being with someone else hurts too much.

 

However, I suggest you to start moving on as well. I know you can't stop thinking about the day he'll regret his decision and come back to you, but you can't wait forever. You have to force yourself to start living a life without him, specially since now the break up is still fresh. As days go by, it'll be easier. Just never initiate contact, you will decrease your value if you do so. Right now you don't want that, just so... in case... he'll realize that a relationship with the ex never works, he will look back at you and realize what a great mistake he did. But if he doesn't, then it's fine... because you're doing well without him anyway. Plus, you never know, by the time comes he'll realize things, you may have already seen things clearly, you may already have known your worth, and by then, you won't want him back anymore.

 

Here, let me tell you a secret: I know you have been a great partner to him. I know you did your best. As long as you know you did, you don't have much to lose. You have nothing to regret about. Plus, from what you did, I know you are smart. Right now, I know it's hard and I may not really know how you feel, but just keep going. It'll get easier.

[ExpatInItaly]

You didn't push him back to her, OP. He was already heading in that direction.

 

I wouldn't wait for 2 months, though. I would consider this relationship over. He is not ready to move on from her, and never really prioritized you and your relationship.

 

This guy isn't the one for you, and you made the right choice letting him go. It was going to happen sooner or later anyway.

[lovkiki]

Thank you for taking time to read my story.

 

I agree with all of you, i should not wait for him 2 months and should absolutely move on with my life. But it's soooo hard to let go of someone you love and cut every hope you have in reconciliation.

 

That's why I did what I did, i let him go but i kept a tinny hope ( to re contact in 2 months ) for us maybe to find each other again if we are both single and mind free. But i'm not " really " waiting, if i have the occasion to meet someone new i will, i also begin to go out a lot and concentrate more in my work to keep myself busy, so maybe in 2 months i won't even feel like contacting him again or getting back with him. BUT it's so important for me now that the break up is fresh to keep this little hope that he is maybe coming crawling back to me, so i can sleep at night. I don't know if you guys can get me.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Big SIGH ?. I respect you greatly. I recently had to end all ties with my ex-wife who was also confused and in turmoil. She will be ‘the one that got away’ I suppose, but realizing the overall reality of a relationship makes it easier to let go and move on.

 

You were brave to make your decision to let go.???

[1fish2fish]

Thank you for taking time to read my story.

 

I agree with all of you, i should not wait for him 2 months and should absolutely move on with my life. But it's soooo hard to let go of someone you love and cut every hope you have in reconciliation.

 

That's why I did what I did, i let him go but i kept a tinny hope ( to re contact in 2 months ) for us maybe to find each other again if we are both single and mind free. But i'm not " really " waiting, if i have the occasion to meet someone new i will, i also begin to go out a lot and concentrate more in my work to keep myself busy, so maybe in 2 months i won't even feel like contacting him again or getting back with him. BUT it's so important for me now that the break up is fresh to keep this little hope that he is maybe coming crawling back to me, so i can sleep at night. I don't know if you guys can get me.

 

 

But here's the thing. Let's say he does come crawling back to you and says that he now realizes YOU are the ONE!

 

Is it because he came to that conclusion himself on his own? OR...is it because his ex rejected his efforts to get back together.

 

He's nothing but a cake eater - wanting his cake and eating it too. He wanted to keep you on the backburner just in case things didn't work out with his ex. You were merely his fall back plan, sorry to say.

 

You deserve SO MUCH more respect than that from your partner. Wouldn't you rather be with someone who knew your worth?

 

I wouldn't take him back (and my bet is that at some point he will be back) nor would I even check in with him in 2 months to see if he's made a decision. I'd cut this one free...forever.

 

Fine someone who knows beyond a doubt that they want to be with you and only you.

 

I'm really impressed with your strength in letting him go like you did, even with the "2 month" option. There's no need to tell him either if you take that option off the table and decide this is a permanent break up. He has shown you very little respect for you, after all.

[lovkiki]

Hello everyone, I have some news.

 

So, it's been almost a month of strict NC and I started seeing someone else, a very nice guy. The thing is, I was out with him in a bar this weekend and I saw my ex's best friends, they were sitting in front of us and didn't stop staring at us ( mean looks ), they didn't even say hi to me, like if I was doing something wrong. I even caught one of them taking a picture of us with his phone ( not discrete at all ) probably to show it to my ex.

 

The very next day, my ex posted a picture with his ex ( with whom he is rekindling ) and a couple of friends in all his accounts in social media ( something he NEVER does ) AND on the picture he was wearing the only shirt I ever bought him. Found that a bit weird and provocative.

 

Soooo ? what do you guys think of all that ? In my opinion he felt so humiliated that his friends saw me with another guy, like i'm already moving on and not crying all day in bed like he would expect. So he wanted to take revenge by posting a pic with his ex. I don't know if it's really working between him and her or he posted that just to make me jealous and get a reaction from me.

 

what do you think ?

[GorillaTheater]

what do you think ?

 

 

I think your ex and his dopey friends are acting like children. I also think that you shouldn't waste one brain cell on trying to figure out what he's thinking.

[CaliBabe]

First, good for you for getting out and going on a date. No waiting around for these scrubs to act right.

 

He's probably trying to ruffle your feathers and prove he is happy. Thats fine. But we see right through him. Very immature.

[1fish2fish]

I think you should delete and block your ex and all of his dopey friends everywhere.

 

Enjoy your new dating adventure!

[HumanMachine]

Why haven’t you blocked him yet?

[Standard-Fare]

OP, I think you need to accept that the scenario you presented is essentially a breakup dressed in sheep's clothing. The chances are very slim that your relationship will be stronger after two months of no contact while you're both pursuing options with other people. The disconnect between you two is only growing during this time.

 

That doesn't mean you were wrong to do what you did. You were very wise to recognize the situation in front of you (BF openly pining for an ex) as intolerable.

 

If your BF does end up wanting to return to you, you should only accept that if a) there is a firm goal in place for you both to live in the same city—soon, and b) he is comfortable cutting his ex out of his life as much as possible. It sounds like they'll inevitably cross paths at times due their social groups, but beyond that... no social media, no texts, no one-on-one meetups.

 

Of course, the above can't be conditions that YOU are nagging to enforce. They would need to be conditions that your BF himself recognizes as necessary, and feels comfortable embracing. If he can't get there, it's not worth the time for either of you to keep trying.

[lovkiki]

Why haven’t you blocked him yet?

 

Because I find that a bit childish, and we didn't end things in bad terms. I don't stalk him at all, but he posted the pic everywhere and commenting all over it " what a perfect night ! " so obviously I saw it.

 

But now that he is acting that way I may think about it.

 

Somehow it proves to me that he is in a very bad place right now, and sooo jealous that he heard I'm seeing someone, because if he was really " happy" and truly reconnecting with his ex, he wouldn't act this way the next morning, he wouldn't feel the urge to post about it and rub it in my face to " hurt " me. I like to think that makes me feel good.

[GorillaTheater]

Somehow it proves to me that he is in a very bad place right now, and sooo jealous that he heard I'm seeing someone, because if he was really " happy" and truly reconnecting with his ex, he wouldn't act this way the next morning, he wouldn't feel the urge to post about it and rub it in my face to " hurt " me. I like to think that makes me feel good.

 

 

It's only human to feel a little glee as he's thrashing around, so long as you realize that the healthiest reaction to his shenanigans is indifference. You may not be there yet, but hopefully you will soon.

[Standard-Fare]

You don't have to officially block him to stop following his posts. There are settings to hide content from certain users, without that user knowing.

 

That'd be the smartest thing for you to do right now. Assuming you guys do reconnect at the end of two months, at least for a conversation, you don't want to have this list of petty grievances piled up against each other due to social media. Especially since these types of posts are likely to create a lot of false impressions and misunderstandings.

 

Of course you can't stop your ex from following YOU, but you can make a conscious effort during this time to not post any content that would be "triggering" to him. (*I do understand that the prior incident was due to his friends snapping a pic against your will, so not relevant here.)