Not sure what's up, down, left or right

[hurtsbadjusthurts]

Today was the first time i actually said the words "Yeah my Ex-girlfriend". Just saying it hurts. All in all, feeling so down. She ended with me over two months ago now. Never got a real explanation as to why. I can only really speculate. We were together for over four years. Angry at myself. She treated me so badly.

 

Truth is i'm missing her terribly.

[Happy Lemming]

You don't need an explanation about why she broke up with you...

 

Ask yourself this one question... "Was I the best person I could be (in the relationship)"

 

If the answer is yes, then there isn't anything else to think about. You did your best and that wasn't good enough for her.

 

If your answer is no, then you have to ask yourself "Why did I behave in that manner?" And make strides to improve yourself, so you don't act that way again.

 

I never cared what any woman had to say after she dumped me. I knew it was just going to be hurtful and I didn't need to do any additional damage to me.

 

Look I'm not the poster child for good choices... That being said, I was in a similar situation when I was younger. I was engaged to this woman and she dumped me, left the ring on my pillow with a note. (couldn't even do it in person) I was destroyed. That night I crawled into a bottle of Tequila, passed out, came to, went to work, came home and crawled into another bottle of Tequila. Rinse and repeat for about a month. Again, not a great choice, but it worked for me.

 

I'm sorry she treated you badly, but there is someone out there for you (once you heal) that will not treat you badly. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Best of luck!!

 

This post is my opinion, based on my own experiences.

[mayonnaise]

You're one step towards healing. Keep going and don't look back.

[hurtsbadjusthurts]

You don't need an explanation about why she broke up with you...

 

Ask yourself this one question... "Was I the best person I could be (in the relationship)"

 

If the answer is yes, then there isn't anything else to think about. You did your best and that wasn't good enough for her.

 

If your answer is no, then you have to ask yourself "Why did I behave in that manner?" And make strides to improve yourself, so you don't act that way again.

 

I never cared what any woman had to say after she dumped me. I knew it was just going to be hurtful and I didn't need to do any additional damage to me.

 

Look I'm not the poster child for good choices... That being said, I was in a similar situation when I was younger. I was engaged to this woman and she dumped me, left the ring on my pillow with a note. (couldn't even do it in person) I was destroyed. That night I crawled into a bottle of Tequila, passed out, came to, went to work, came home and crawled into another bottle of Tequila. Rinse and repeat for about a month. Again, not a great choice, but it worked for me.

 

I'm sorry she treated you badly, but there is someone out there for you (once you heal) that will not treat you badly. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Best of luck!!

 

This post is my opinion, based on my own experiences.

 

I've found the past month or so to be the roughest time of my life. Prior to this i never really understood the depths of what people went through after the loss of someone. To be honest nothing anyone as said to me or any "Rational thoughts" i have had, have made much of an impact on me. Your advice resonated with me. Your 100% correct, even if i struggle to accept it. Massively appreciate you taking the time to write a rely so thank you.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. What she did was terrible. Glad you were able to get through it. One thing ive learnt through this is not to take breaking someone heart lightly. Mine refused see me face to face when she ended it. She was so angry when she broke up with me. And Said a lot of things that weren't even close to being true. Almost as if she was trying to justify why she was doing it?

 

How long did it take for you to get to the stage where you could see thing logically?

 

I really struggle to be angry even though i should be.

Edited January 12, 2018 by hurtsbadjusthurts

[bummer]

And Said a lot of things that weren't even close to being true. Almost as if she was trying to justify why she was doing it?

 

How long did it take for you to get to the stage where you could see thing logically?

 

I really struggle to be angry even though i should be.

 

Angry irrational rationalization is a thing. If you try to understand everything she said, you'll hate yourself too. Which is silly.

 

You probably will never see it logically, perhaps it just will fade as a dumb memory with that dumb girl you once knew?

 

Go exercise. Punch a pillow or a bag. Act angry (constructively, no hitting people) and you will start to open that bottle of catharsis. I found meditating got me out of my bad headspace. Worth a shot.

[Happy Lemming]

How long did it take for you to get to the stage where you could see thing logically?

 

Personally, I think I started dating again after 3 months. After I came out of my Tequila daze, I went back to running in the morning. Working on my house and yard in the evenings and on weekends, just kept myself busy. I could say that was the point that I saw things "logically".

 

After 3 months, I wandered down to my local watering hole for a beer. I ended up meeting someone, we went out on a few dates. I didn't mention my broken engagement, just concentrated on having fun and hanging out with this new girl. It didn't turn into anything, but it was fun just to interact with someone new. After that I just kind of dated around... I did end up meeting someone the next year, that I had a long term relationship with and completely forgot about my ex-fiancee'.

 

You ARE going to get through this...

 

"Time heals all wounds"

 

Again, this is what happened to me. YMMV

[hurtsbadjusthurts]

The things she said when she ended it, were A) So untrue its laughable B) It was complelety Unacceptable to think you can treat someone like that. Im certainly not being treated like that it wasnt right.

 

So i went no-contact for over two months. I expected her to come to some sort of sense. And reach out. Really didn't think that it was the end. Nor did i think the problems that we have were things that couldn't be fixed.

I personally think she expected me to go begging, something her previous partner would do. Thankfully looking back i didn't. Even if in truth i wanted to.

 

I've spoken to a female friend who gave me her perspective of the situation from a women's point of view. Surprising she saw things differently to me. She told me it was "a sign"(BS) that my ex walks past my house every day to get to work(She go easily go another way, no problem. And ive not once gone past hers. I avoid it.) All this while clear stating in no uncertain terms to doesn't want to see me, ever. To me, seems a massive contradiction.

 

I personally had no interest in walking off into the sunset after being with someone for fours years and wanted to marry. Ending things on a txt, it just yellow(She refused to see me.) I bought her a really meaningful present for Christmas. Something very special to her and something only i knew about. So one morning i decide to give it to her. At least end things on a better note than a txt

 

I wasn't sure what response i would get from her. Anger, she was angry when we ended. Her to walk away and blank me.

 

The eyes never lie. You can say things, put on a fake face. But the eyes never lie.

 

I didn't see indifference. I could see a reaction, a strong one. She reach out to embrace me, which caught me way off guard(I didn't hug her, wish i had). Not really sure what to make of it all really.

 

If you angry, be angry.

 

Dont get why you do the opposite?

[SevenCity]

The things she said when she ended it, were A) So untrue its laughable B) It was complelety Unacceptable to think you can treat someone like that. Im certainly not being treated like that it wasnt right.

 

So i went no-contact for over two months. I expected her to come to some sort of sense. And reach out. Really didn't think that it was the end. Nor did i think the problems that we have were things that couldn't be fixed.

I personally think she expected me to go begging, something her previous partner would do. Thankfully looking back i didn't. Even if in truth i wanted to.

 

I've spoken to a female friend who gave me her perspective of the situation from a women's point of view. Surprising she saw things differently to me. She told me it was "a sign"(BS) that my ex walks past my house every day to get to work(She go easily go another way, no problem. And ive not once gone past hers. I avoid it.) All this while clear stating in no uncertain terms to doesn't want to see me, ever. To me, seems a massive contradiction.

 

I personally had no interest in walking off into the sunset after being with someone for fours years and wanted to marry. Ending things on a txt, it just yellow(She refused to see me.) I bought her a really meaningful present for Christmas. Something very special to her and something only i knew about. So one morning i decide to give it to her. At least end things on a better note than a txt

 

I wasn't sure what response i would get from her. Anger, she was angry when we ended. Her to walk away and blank me.

 

The eyes never lie. You can say things, put on a fake face. But the eyes never lie.

 

I didn't see indifference. I could see a reaction, a strong one. She reach out to embrace me, which caught me way off guard(I didn't hug her, wish i had). Not really sure what to make of it all really.

 

If you angry, be angry.

 

Dont get why you do the opposite?

 

Women’s emotions are all over the map. Don’t try to make sense out of them.

 

My ex officially dumped me over FaceTime after 7 years then moved out a week later (she had left the house for 3 months but we (I) was trying to work things out). To be honest, i think your way would have been better. My ex was hysterically crying and doubled over in physical pain on the day she moved out. Like WTF? All she had to do was reverse it to fix things. Acted like I was the one who dumped her.

 

It took me a long time (1.5 years) to get to about 70% better where I am now.

 

Your time will be longer or shorter. It depends on how much you loved her and how much of your life/identity was tied to her. I’ve had longer relationships take shorter to get over and shorter relationships take longer.

 

I agree and disagree with what was stated about time healing you. Time will lessen the pain and make it sting less. But guys typically won’t get over it 100% until you fall for someone else. The trick is, as stated, you have to be ready.

 

Hang in there brother. It will take longer than you think it should but you’ll get there.

[BriNyc82]

Speaking as a woman, sometimes our emotions are all over the place. I recently had to end it with the guy I was dating bc he wasn't able to meet my needs emotionally and communicate. Those were non negotiables for me. I became really angry but I think that anger stems from being hurt. Like to your core. Isn't anger always tied to pain in some respect? Even if what she said isn't true about you maybe she's hurting in her own way. I know for me, I still get really sad and miss him even when I know it would never have worked out in the long run.

 

Funny I ended it rift before holidays too. I had so many thoughtful gifts to give him and I couldn't wait to make him happy. Still wonder what he got me too.

 

anyway I think you are doing the right thing with NC. It does get better over time and eventually you'll get to the point where 6pm rolls around and you say "hey wait! I haven't thought about him/her all day today". Or wow it's been a few hours and they haven't crossed my mind. It does get easier. With time.

 

Hang in there!

[hurtsbadjusthurts]

Speaking as a woman, sometimes our emotions are all over the place. I recently had to end it with the guy I was dating bc he wasn't able to meet my needs emotionally and communicate. Those were non negotiables for me. I became really angry but I think that anger stems from being hurt. Like to your core. Isn't anger always tied to pain in some respect? Even if what she said isn't true about you maybe she's hurting in her own way. I know for me, I still get really sad and miss him even when I know it would never have worked out in the long run.

 

Funny I ended it rift before holidays too. I had so many thoughtful gifts to give him and I couldn't wait to make him happy. Still wonder what he got me too.

 

anyway I think you are doing the right thing with NC. It does get better over time and eventually you'll get to the point where 6pm rolls around and you say "hey wait! I haven't thought about him/her all day today". Or wow it's been a few hours and they haven't crossed my mind. It does get easier. With time.

 

Hang in there!

 

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I found your comments insightful.

I suppose im torn by the fact that as you said women "emotions" can be all over the place. Its a statement that i do believe holds true.

 

I was and truth be told, still am. Someone who was always there for her. The thought of her going through emotional pain and confusion on her own doesn't sit well with me. Feels awful really. I at least want to be there for her.

 

But that's the exact oppisite of what she said.

 

Not to give her any excuses(There is zero excuse for what she done). But I know that she was going through a stressful time before we split.

[hurtsbadjusthurts]

Women’s emotions are all over the map. Don’t try to make sense out of them.

 

My ex officially dumped me over FaceTime after 7 years then moved out a week later (she had left the house for 3 months but we (I) was trying to work things out). To be honest, i think your way would have been better. My ex was hysterically crying and doubled over in physical pain on the day she moved out. Like WTF? All she had to do was reverse it to fix things. Acted like I was the one who dumped her.

 

It took me a long time (1.5 years) to get to about 70% better where I am now.

 

Your time will be longer or shorter. It depends on how much you loved her and how much of your life/identity was tied to her. I’ve had longer relationships take shorter to get over and shorter relationships take longer.

 

I agree and disagree with what was stated about time healing you. Time will lessen the pain and make it sting less. But guys typically won’t get over it 100% until you fall for someone else. The trick is, as stated, you have to be ready.

 

Hang in there brother. It will take longer than you think it should but you’ll get there.

 

Pleased that i got to read this. It in all honesty sounds a lot like how my story will go. So thank you taking the time to write. Its helped me.

 

I think the emotions your ex shown at least one thing and that was she wasn't 100% sure in that she was doing the right thing. If your sure its done, its done. The emotions gone. Glad you have manage to someway get through it. Hopefully i will do the same

.

I really don't know what my ex thinks. I am thinking of reaching out a final time? By that i mean seeing her face to face in person(No txt or email, That just not right) Please convince me if this is a good or bad idea? There are things i'd like to say. And when you see someone face to face the eyes don't lie. Rather just know.

[SevenCity]

Pleased that i got to read this. It in all honesty sounds a lot like how my story will go. So thank you taking the time to write. Its helped me.

 

I think the emotions your ex shown at least one thing and that was she wasn't 100% sure in that she was doing the right thing. If your sure its done, its done. The emotions gone. Glad you have manage to someway get through it. Hopefully i will do the same

.

I really don't know what my ex thinks. I am thinking of reaching out a final time? By that i mean seeing her face to face in person(No txt or email, That just not right) Please convince me if this is a good or bad idea? There are things i'd like to say. And when you see someone face to face the eyes don't lie. Rather just know.

 

Unsure....I would agree with that. Did it make a difference? No.

 

Everyone here will say don’t see her or reach out; she is the dumper and it is 100% up to her to come crawling back on hands and knees to beg for you back. The thing is that seldome if ever happens.

 

Let me give you the highlights of my story which may help with yours.

 

- About a week post I responded to her logistical inquiry offering for her to come by and sweep the house for any of her belongings she may have missed. She said she didn’t want to see me until the mere thought of me didn’t bring her to tears.

- 3 months post I sent her a “thinking of you” text around the holidays at the advice of a female friend. It went unanswered.

- 9 months post she reached out for a logistical issue and asked her to get together again. She stopped responding.

-15 months post (right before this past Xmas), at the advice of my female therapist, I called her and was sent to voicemail after two rings. Left a message. She responded by text stating she’s really busy with year end work and she’s sure I’m doing great but asked if we could wait until after the holidays if I wanted to catch up. I responded with a long text basically letting her know I still love her and want to try again if she wants, but if she doesn’t just let me know. She never responded.

 

I never have done any reaching out to an ex and likely would not have if I didn’t listen to the advice of my female friend and therapist. I honestly just want to hear she is done with me but she wont even give me that. Something as simple as “I don’t feel the same, it’s not a good idea,” etc. I’ve dated a lot since we broke up and have yet to find a woman who comes close to her so I figured I would at least try.

 

She left me, in part, because she didn’t feel good enough. I never felt that way about her - she was everything I’ve ever wanted.

 

So was it a mistake to reach out? I’m not so sure. I can sleep better knowing I spoke my truth - that’s what a man does. Additionally, whether good or bad, the lack of reply made me pretty angry towards her like I wasn’t even worth a reply after we were lovers and best friends for 7 years. I deserve better than that.

 

In the meantime I’m just living my life the best I can and making my way towards indifference.

 

Your mileage may vary.

[hurtsbadjusthurts]

 

Everyone here will say don’t see her or reach out; she is the dumper and it is 100% up to her to come crawling back on hands and knees to beg for you back. The thing is that seldome if ever happens.

 

 

I think its very difficult for most people to correct a mistake. It takes a lot of strength to first even admit "I was wrong" Then actively correct it. I think most people in life simply don't have the character in them. Reading other people stories on here, some seem to carry a life time of regrets because it was easier at the time to say nothing than admit they were wrong. That's not for me.

 

I know that i spent a large part of my younger years(Not that i'm old. lol) not facing my mistakes. Or if they did occur, i pretend that it wasn't my fault. It was easier to lie to myself. And i did.

 

Ownership of my actions is something thankfully i do now, its still a struggle. And I still have to work at. I've evaluated my roles in the relationship and will work to get better at things.

Edited January 13, 2018 by hurtsbadjusthurts

[BriNyc82]

I know she's going through a tough time and you want to be there for her. But right now aren't your needs more important than hers? I'm sure she knows you care about her and I'm sure it gives her solace to know that if she needed to reach out you would be there. But until that time comes you might want to think about yourself right now and not her.

 

I totally get it. I know the guy I was seeing is in a bad place. He found out he's basically infertile which kinda made him depressed. He knows he is emotionally closed off and introverted to the point where he lost out on job opportunities and now he lost out on me bc he won't communicate with me and has chosen to avoid me. I wish I could be there for him and help him. But like your ex they need to solve their problems on their own timeline when they are ready.

 

You seem like a solid guy. I can't remember how long ago you guys broke up but it might be too fresh to talk about things in a rational state. I don't know if any good would come out of seeing her.

[hurtsbadjusthurts]

I know she's going through a tough time and you want to be there for her. But right now aren't your needs more important than hers? I'm sure she knows you care about her and I'm sure it gives her solace to know that if she needed to reach out you would be there. But until that time comes you might want to think about yourself right now and not her.

 

I totally get it. I know the guy I was seeing is in a bad place. He found out he's basically infertile which kinda made him depressed. He knows he is emotionally closed off and introverted to the point where he lost out on job opportunities and now he lost out on me bc he won't communicate with me and has chosen to avoid me. I wish I could be there for him and help him. But like your ex they need to solve their problems on their own timeline when they are ready.

 

You seem like a solid guy. I can't remember how long ago you guys broke up but it might be too fresh to talk about things in a rational state. I don't know if any good would come out of seeing her.

 

Thanks for taking the time to respond Bri, i appreciate the advice. I have decided in my own mind that i am going to reach out to her, by that i mean go see her face to face. Some time this week.

 

As much as i want to, i won't be going in the form of a Lover trying to force a reconciliation(Although if there's even a slight hint of anything. i'll damn well take the opportunity!)

 

Just going to go be what i always was, someone you loved the bones of her and would have her back and be there no matter what.

 

I haven't made it clear that i am here for her. I went solid no-contact straight away when it happened haven't spoke a word since. There are things left unsaid. Once i've done it and depending on response, i'll then know. I'm free to try and heal. Even if my hearts broken :-(

[Been]

Sometimes things are better off not said. I know you think if she hears you out that it could change things-and maybe it could. But also keep in mind that these things you need to get off your chest is a form of BEGGING rather you want to admit that. Please don't do that. Nobobdy should have to beg someone to love them.

[bluecastle]

I would avoid reaching out if I were you, hard as that is.

 

Right now you are hurting badly and on some level you believe she can cure the pain—either with an unexpected gesture of reconciliation (those hopes you're admitting to) or with a stark declaration that things are over (which she's already given you by breaking up and staying quiet). Thing is, that cure has to come from within: if you're looking for someone to fill an internal void you'll never have a healthy, sustainable relationship. When you commit to that—feeling the feelings, sitting with the discomfort, letting go of the idea that she can offer some missing piece to the puzzle—you'll start to find real clarity, strength, and calm. If in that clear and calm state you still want to reach out, then do it. But not yet. Time is your friend right now, not your enemy.

 

I'm not far from a similar situation myself. I broke up with my ex of 3 yrs 3.5 months ago, though it had been clear for months that she was detached from the relationship. It was, and remains, agonizing. I so badly wanted the relationship to work, had been putting in so much effort, that I didn't quite know what to do with all that energy after it was over. I did everything I was supposed to do—focused on myself, therapy, traveled, etc.—but was still consumed with thoughts of what I could maybe do to change the course of things. Even though she'd been the one to treat me badly (affairs, etc.) I was shouldering all the blame and going a bit crazy.

 

After 1.5 months we got back in touch and there was a moment when I thought we'd get back together. But I also realized how broken I was, and that I couldn't go back to relationship in such a broken state or a relationship that had left me so shattered. I needed to heal. So I went away for 6 weeks, and something interesting happened: After spending three weeks constantly thinking about reaching out, and constantly hoping she'd reach out, I kind of let go.

 

I started to feel better, and see things from a fresh angle. As much as I wanted her (and, in ways, still do) I realized I didn't want to be in so much turmoil. In other words, what I wanted was more of an idea (what she/we could be) than a reality (where she is right now). And that turmoil was being largely caused by my own mind—my attempt at wanting to control the fate instead of letting go of control. I spent time hanging out with old friends and new people and you know what? It was FUN! And I realized how not fun my relationship had become, and a large piece of the weight started to lift.

 

Ultimately, what I realized is that the only way for things to work in a constructive way is if SHE reached out to me, and that wasn't happening. I had to take that silence as information, as I suggest you do. It's not easy. In ways its easier to hold on because it allows you to not accept that something you spent so long in is over. But it is over, in this form. If it's going to happen again, it's going to be from a whole new angle and that isn't going to come in two months. You don't want to be with someone who breaks up with you the way she did, and that is who she still is.

 

She's on her own journey now, and so are you. The sooner you can accept that, the sooner you'll see that the emptiness, while so painful, means that you'll soon be able to be filled with new experiences and feelings that feed your soul and spirit rather than trample it.

 

I feel for you. Stay strong.

[hurtsbadjusthurts]

I would avoid reaching out if I were you, hard as that is.

 

Right now you are hurting badly and on some level you believe she can cure the pain—either with an unexpected gesture of reconciliation (those hopes you're admitting to) or with a stark declaration that things are over (which she's already given you by breaking up and staying quiet). Thing is, that cure has to come from within: if you're looking for someone to fill an internal void you'll never have a healthy, sustainable relationship. When you commit to that—feeling the feelings, sitting with the discomfort, letting go of the idea that she can offer some missing piece to the puzzle—you'll start to find real clarity, strength, and calm. If in that clear and calm state you still want to reach out, then do it. But not yet. Time is your friend right now, not your enemy.

 

I'm not far from a similar situation myself. I broke up with my ex of 3 yrs 3.5 months ago, though it had been clear for months that she was detached from the relationship. It was, and remains, agonizing. I so badly wanted the relationship to work, had been putting in so much effort, that I didn't quite know what to do with all that energy after it was over. I did everything I was supposed to do—focused on myself, therapy, traveled, etc.—but was still consumed with thoughts of what I could maybe do to change the course of things. Even though she'd been the one to treat me badly (affairs, etc.) I was shouldering all the blame and going a bit crazy.

 

After 1.5 months we got back in touch and there was a moment when I thought we'd get back together. But I also realized how broken I was, and that I couldn't go back to relationship in such a broken state or a relationship that had left me so shattered. I needed to heal. So I went away for 6 weeks, and something interesting happened: After spending three weeks constantly thinking about reaching out, and constantly hoping she'd reach out, I kind of let go.

 

I started to feel better, and see things from a fresh angle. As much as I wanted her (and, in ways, still do) I realized I didn't want to be in so much turmoil. In other words, what I wanted was more of an idea (what she/we could be) than a reality (where she is right now). And that turmoil was being largely caused by my own mind—my attempt at wanting to control the fate instead of letting go of control. I spent time hanging out with old friends and new people and you know what? It was FUN! And I realized how not fun my relationship had become, and a large piece of the weight started to lift.

 

Ultimately, what I realized is that the only way for things to work in a constructive way is if SHE reached out to me, and that wasn't happening. I had to take that silence as information, as I suggest you do. It's not easy. In ways its easier to hold on because it allows you to not accept that something you spent so long in is over. But it is over, in this form. If it's going to happen again, it's going to be from a whole new angle and that isn't going to come in two months. You don't want to be with someone who breaks up with you the way she did, and that is who she still is.

 

She's on her own journey now, and so are you. The sooner you can accept that, the sooner you'll see that the emptiness, while so painful, means that you'll soon be able to be filled with new experiences and feelings that feed your soul and spirit rather than trample it.

 

I feel for you. Stay strong.

 

Thanks for the post. Given me food for thought. Glad you are in a better place. Travelling sounds like a really good idea. Maybe my next step.

 

That said i would No way, 100%... Not a single chance, even think of the idea of reaching out to her, let alone do it. If i was not sure some change had taken place.

 

I know that i've changed a lot! as a result of this experience. Anyone who knows me can tell that. She was the closest person to me. She'll see it.

 

She's a complex person. Who's been through some things(Tough things). And we were both under a lot of stress. She said she "Didnt want to see me again" "Not to contact her" and a lot of other rubbish. etc.

 

 

But she never once said to me she didn't "love me anymore"