Jump to content

Broken up over innocent comment, I'm losing my mind


Recommended Posts

Snuggle Tiger

My girlfriend ended it after an argument that wasn't an argument, a misunderstanding that spiraled out of control. Now I'm broken hearted and having suicidal thoughts that come from nowhere. I don't want to die, but I'm wracked with pain, suicidal thoughts force themselves on me uncontrolled as a way to end the pain. I've never been this filled with despair in my life, just a black pit of agony, self-loathing and hatred of myself for not not seeing this coming, and for not being able to stop it when it did. One minute I'm incredibly happy just next to a woman I love and adore with my whole heart. Just hours earlier we had made love for the third time in the last day, and an hour later she is done with me because of an innocent and misunderstood comment on where her toddler should sleep just blew it all up.

 

I'm in my 50's, happily married to my high school sweetheart for 30 some years. A few years ago she had cancer and all her internal lady parts were removed, along with her bladder. They tried to rebuild her internally so we could have sex, but it was less than successful. My wife's cancer is in remission and I'm thankful for that, but I miss our sex life. I always had a higher drive than my wife so while not having sex bugs her, it was driving me crazy.

 

My wife kept telling me I needed a friend with benefits. I found one once, but ended it when she started seeing herself as replacing my wife, that was maybe three years ago. Then in October 2016 I found a wonderful woman, or should I say we found each other, and for over a year it was bliss. Until it wasn't. Thus begins my tale of woe.

 

I'm an avid ballroom dancer and met her at a dance studio in a class sometime in 2015. Right away, I liked her, she was sweet, kind, and fun. Cindy (NOT her real name!) was going through a divorce with a man she had been married to since the early 2000's and they had three children. It was in many ways an abusive relationship, and I cringed at some of the stories she told me. Through casual conversation over time I knew she is now a full time student, had just started dating, but not only is she deeply religious, she is also way younger than I am, in her 30's. I have three kids myself, and they are all around her age, so while I enjoyed the back and forth flirtation, I never thought it would go anywhere. Over the next few months we would randomly bump into each other in classes. I liked her a lot, but with the 20+ year age difference and her being a devout Christian, I didn't expect any possibility of sleeping with her but felt the beginnings of a great friendship.

 

In October 2016 friendship suddenly and surprisingly became more. Our dance studio occasionally does a night out where we all go to a local watering hole, and they open it early just for us. I had just parked my car out in the boondocks (little sports car from a James Bond movie, 20 years old and I keep it looking good) when she parks her beater right in front of me. I'm intrigued by this...and wait for her to get out and we walk inside together.

 

I take her to a table in the back where we can talk. We dance a little, talk a little more. I'm liking this girl, and feeling a vibe despite our age difference and sense she is interested. But I also think she is miss goodie two shoes because of her religious practices, which I share but not as devoutly as she does. Suddenly she tells me that she is six months pregnant, and my jaw drops to the floor. I stare, not knowing what to say, I honestly was in shock. She tells me she had just gone on the pill maybe three months before, but they couldn't give her the most common type of hormones due to a medical condition she has, and obviously this formulation didn't work for her. I'm thinking the last thing she needs now is some guy hitting on her, but I'm surprised she has been having sex, she IS flirting with me, and I stammer out that I'm allowed to have a FWB relationship to which she replies "I would be amenable to that.".....

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Snuggle Tiger

To continue...with part II.

 

The story comes out that she didn't have sex for a year during her divorce and afterwards, but started to go online to meet guys. She went on dates, a few turned into repeat dates that ended up with sex, but for one reason or another none of them worked out for long. She says the baby's father is someone she slept with twice, but hasn't talked to in a month, and has no attraction for him. My brain is reeling.

 

I tell her I want to take a walk later so we can kiss and see if there is any chemistry...I keep thinking I'm about the same age as her dad, she is about the same age as my kids, she is pregnant, I don't know if I can do this. I'm not thinking long term mind you, but she is sweet, cute and lovable, and just said she would like to sleep with me. She says her life is too complicated for her to bring a guy into it as a regular relationship due to here school and work schedule, three kids, crazy ex and being pregnant. Someone like me who is already in a relationship that she could see on occasion for sex would make her happy.

 

We kiss, and sparks fly. We sit in my car for a few minutes to talk before we each drive home, and the few minutes turns into hours. Neither one of us want the night to end, but she needs to get home for sleep and to study, and eventually and with much regret, with both depart. I tell my wife about it when I get home, and she says I should have spent the night with her...

 

What starts out as casual sex turns into something else. Soon I'm spending afternoons with her once a week when her three kids (two teens and a preteen) are with her dad, and every other week I come over Friday afternoon and stay until Saturday afternoon. We go on a few dates. Dinner, hot tubbing, a movie.

 

One day a couple months into our relationship she is talking and blurts out something unexpected in the middle of a sentence: "I was thinking spaghetti for dinner, afterwards we can dance I love you and when we get home watch the rest of the movie...."

 

I'm like, "what did you just say?"

She replies "Spaghetti for dinner and then go dancing"

I say "and after that?"

She says "we could watch the rest of the movie."

I say "and in between? What did you say?"

She looks at me sheepishly "I love you."

 

I ask "why did you say it like that" and she says "because if it freaked you out I could deny it, or say I said it just to see if you were paying attention."

 

I'm stunned, shocked, afraid and thrilled all at the same time. I had already told her I liked her a lot. I told her I had such a crush on her. But as I turned the words over in my head, I suddenly realized that I loved her too but had been too afraid to admit it. And I looked into her eyes, kissed her, and with tears in my eyes said "sweetheart, I love you too..."

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Snuggle Tiger

Part III:

 

Her baby is growning, and I keep thinking this should bug me somehow, I'm sleeping with a girl pregnant with another man's child, but it doesn't bother me at all. She is beautiful in her pregnancy, I enjoy cuddling with her, making love, talking. I talk to the baby. I'm with her when it starts kicking. I go with her once to an appointment, I take her to the hospital after she had a fender bender just to make sure the baby is OK. They assume I'm the father, or just don't ask, giving me a security tag and taking me to her room to be with her during the exam.

 

My relationship with my wife is still great and we are in love, and now I'm in love with a second woman. I feel tremendous guilt over this, but finally realize I have an unlimited amount of love to give. After all, when we had our second and third children, I didn't love the first one any less. What I don't have in unlimited quantities is TIME. I begin to feel guilt over the time I spend with "Cindy" because its time away from my wife. I look forward to my weekends with Cindy, and her and come up with cute names for our time together.

 

At first, I call it a reality distortion field, where everything is possible, but later we begin calling it The Bubble and our time together in it Bubble Time. Bubble time exists outside the confines of normal time and space, and we wonder aloud what it would have been like if we had met years ago and if we had BOTH been single. We both say we have no desire or dream to have undone our current lives or children, she knows I love my wife dearly, but also tells me that she would marry me if she could. She also tells me that leaving my wife for her is a non-starter and isn't what she means at all, but if circumstances had been different that she would have been thrilled to be my wife, even with the age difference and that it doesn't bother her at all.

 

She handed me a handwritten poem:

 

(I was going to include it, its not personally identifiable and it was written for me and given to me and is unpublished, but I dont' want to irritate moderators. If a poem is OK to post, someone please tell me and I'll include it in a later post. Its beautiful, and something I'll always cherish...)

 

I cry my eyes out, nobody has ever written me poetry, let alone anything as beautiful and sweet as this. I'm wondering at the missed fork in the road that has been my life, the path not taken, the possibilities unlived. I realize I love this girl with my whole heart and soul, an overwhelming love that holds me in its grip like a physical presence. But I also love my wife, and expect her and I will be together until one of us dies, I hope I go first so I don't have to endure the pain of losing my wife, THAT is how much I love my wife. She is my soulmate, we have endured much together, she adores me and I adore her and no other woman can ever change that.

 

I confessed to my wife that I was in love with "Cindy," that I couldn't help what I felt for her, but I wasn't going anywhere. I show the poem to my wife who says with tears in her eyes "that's so beautiful and sweet, I feel guilty making you come home!" I reiterate something we had discussed before, that my wife has veto power over this relationship. I told her early on that if she wanted me to end this relationship that I would end it, but I'm in love and it would be hard, she says she is fine with it as long as she is still number one in my life.

 

I'm reading this to my wife as I finish each paragraph, she has been comforting me through this ordeal which is CRAZY, my wife comforting me over breaking up with my girlfriend. She just said that this has given her insight on how bad off I'll be if she passes away first, because I'm inconsolable NOW, losing her will probably kill me. She's right.

 

Coming as quick as I can type it....part IV.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Snuggle Tiger

CORRECTION TO PART ONE, she was six WEEKS pregnant when our friendship became something more, not six MONTHS! Loveshack won't let me correct it. I'm going to ask moderators (if I can figure out how) to let it be changed to WEEKS instead of MONTHS. Almost nobody needs to be told a woman six months pregnant is pregnant.

 

Part IV.

 

Time goes on, we are more in love by the week. Her baby is kicking up a storm, we are enjoying our bubble time. She is starting to show...a lot. I take her to see La La Land in the theater...my wife and I had seen it together and loved it, she loved it too.

 

I have started to tell my kids about us. Some of them don't live very far away and I don't want them to bump into us at a restaurant, store or movie and see me in an obvious loving relationship with someone other than their mom. They say if mom and dad are happy with the arrangement then its fine with them too. My youngest son is younger than "Cindy" and says "Cindy" is cute. Her three kids know I'm her friend, her oldest son knows the true nature of our relationship and her daughter adores me. Her sons both like me.

 

We have pet names for each other, I call her my "CindyBear" and she calls me her "Puzzle Piece" in that I was missing, but now make her feel complete and happy. I'm so incredibly in love, I feel so lucky and marvel at how a regular guy like me can have two sweet and kind women in his life. I'm not rich by any means, but do live a comfortable lifestyle and don't have any unmet needs, and a few extras. A sports car, her car, my truck and the RV.

 

Cindy isn't after me for money. She gets uncomfortable if I buy her things. My wife found out she didn't have a microwave and insisted we get her one, we shopped for it together. I've done a few other things on occasion without being asked such as purchased groceries (I eat food when I'm there, so it makes sense) or filled up her car with gas, or replaced her old incandescent lights with LED's to help reduce her electric bill. I fixed the hot water from a faulty temperature regulator faucet so she could take hot showers and baths, she had been heating water on the stove for a year for baths but the faucet only needed an internal adjustment. I rehung a bedroom door, fixed a broken kitchen drawer, repaired a closet clothing rod. I'm handy with tools, none of this took much time or expense, and I enjoy being useful to others and making them happy.

 

When we go out, I insist on paying for it. She keeps trying to go dutch, but I know between keeping food in her home, clothing on her kids and paying for school that her budget is as tight as tight can be. She dotes on her children and does everything for them, and almost nothing for herself. She got them a PS4 when she had extra money, and lets them buy games from time to time as long as they keep up with schoolwork.

 

Cindy is now a few days away from her due date and its our bubble time. I don't want to have sex with her because she is so close to delivery, but she insists. We make tender love.

 

The baby is born the next day. I'm not there for the birth, I wanted to be but at the last minute we both thought it would be a bad idea, a few of her gal friends were going to be there for the delivery. I'm a photographer (mostly as a hobby, but I have done paid gigs) and I would have been there in that capacity, but when asked honestly didn't think I would be able to hide my emotions. So we decided I would wait until after the birth and her friends had left.

 

I arrive soon after the birth and take photographs and they came out gorgeous. Pictures of him holding my index finger in his little hand, non-revealing tasteful shots of breast feeding, him lying with her peacefully. Simply beautiful. It's just the three of us in the room, and although I know he isn't mine she isn't my wife, it feels like I have developed what amounts to a second family. Everything in my life is about as perfect as it can be. Because my car doesn't have enough seats, my wife lets me drive her car to the hospital to give Cindy, her newborn son and her daughter a ride home. I take a photo of them together all strapped in, his first car ride.

 

August comes. My wife and I take our RV on a ten day long trip, we have reservations to camp in the path of totality in a city predicted to have the best chance of clear weather in the nation, and we are treated to the jaw dropping gorgeous spectacle of a total solar eclipse. We visit ghost towns, national monuments and historic sights, and just follow our nose. It was wonderful.

 

In October "Cindy" and I have what I call our anniversary, one year since the day of our fist kiss. To celebrate it, my wife OK's the use of our RV for a trip. Cindy, the baby and I camp in a national forest, visit mountains, waterfalls and ghost towns. In my memory, the trip lasted far longer than three days, it was pure joy to be with her without a care in the world. On the way home we picked up her older kids from their father's place. They don't ask why I'm there, driving an RV with mom and baby brother inside. I'm so in love with Cindy. And I'm so in love with my wife. I jokingly "blame" my wife for my happiness, saying without her OK this would never be happening, so every bit of joy I'm experiencing with "Cindy" is directly a result of her being incredibly unselfish in letting me have an outside relationship.

 

In November my wife and I celebrate our anniversary by taking a four day RV trip into the mountains, we have a campground to ourselves and the chipmunks, with a roaring river next to us lulling us to sleep at night. It snows a little. We're so in love.

 

December comes and "Cindy" and I have been together for over a year. My love for her knows no limits. Early in the relationship I told a few of my co-workers a bit about us, but now I have started to tell a few of my friends. She is such a huge part of my life, and I'm so in love that it isn't possible for me to hold it in.

 

Only one or two of her friends know. Most of them are devout Christians and many were already mortified by her having a child out of wedlock. If they know she was sleeping with a man over 20 years older who was married to boot, most of them would probably have stroke.

 

Early December we have our fist argument ever,. By december 30th, it looks like its over. Why that happened will be part V.

Edited by Snuggle Tiger
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Snuggle Tiger

Early December we have our first fight. Its not even a fight. I don't know what to call it. But it goes like this....

 

In October the baby is 6 months old and co-sleeps with Cindy in her bed, when the baby wakes up she can feed him without waking the other children. Cindy doesn't have a crib for the baby.

 

My son and daughter in law ask me if we know anyone that needs a crib. I call Cindy to tell her she can have my grandson's old crib and changing table and she says, yes, she wants it! I tell my son and daughter in law that my girlfriend wants it, instead of taking it to Goodwill they put it in my garage.

 

Unfortunately my truck is attached to the RV and I need to dump holding tanks, so I'll have to wait until I can get that done. Cindy isn't in any hurry.

 

Before I get the crib over to Cindy's, one of Ciindy's friends brings over a used crib as a favor to Cindy and assembles it in the boy's bedroom in the middle of the room. Its kind of a disaster because its in the way, there isn't anywhere to move it out of the way, and it can't even fit through the bedoom door so she can put it in her daughters room. I'm slightly miffed when I find out she no longer wants the crib taking up space in my garage, but I don't say anything. I go over Cindy's to disassemble the crib her friend gave her and move it from her son's to her daughters room.

 

It turns out it had been assembled wrong, and when I reassembled it I did it wrong too, because I put it the way I found it. I had reversed the bottom of the frame so the sides of the crib couldn't be latched in the UP position. When I realized why the rails wouldn't stay up, I went to take it apart but Cindy said not to, since he couldn't stand yet its no big deal. This detail will make a difference later...

 

In November she is still co-sleeping with the baby, I ask why he doesn't sleep in his crib and she tells me she wants to get a bumper for the crib so the baby won't get stuck with his arms or legs hanging out or bonk his noggin on the rails. We go to the store one day to get one, I wait in the car with a sleeping baby and she comes back empty handed saying she couldn't find one. When we make love the baby is either in bed with us or sleeping on the couch. I don't mind him being in bed with us, and I love him like he was my own. If he cries or is fussy or interrupts us I laugh, and say she is a package deal, "love you, love your baby."

 

I happen to be going by Target on a Friday and stop in and buy a crib bumper. I take it with me to her place and she seems happy that I purchased one. I install it and think to myself "hey, he has his own place to sleep now."

 

Cindy talks when she falls asleep, she can be mid sentence and if we're talking in bed she will descend into gibberish. I find it cute. "Tomorrow we can go to Salsa class and the olive jar I scrubbed ink on the pocket... Thursday...squirrels.....oatmeal....."

 

Its Friday, the 1st of December. We have had dinner, made love twice, and are trying to get to sleep. The baby is a little fussy, I have a back that hurts (have had two surgeries and have some titanium in there...) and I'm not sleeping, am tossing and turning. She says to me, "I hope you don't mind the baby is still in bed with us" and I reply "Yeah, I kind of do."

 

Wrong thing to say. Wrong thing to think.

 

I'm met with stony silence. Nothing. Now this is the kind of thing that gets my goat, I hate to be ignored. I *hate* to be ignored. I'm expecting a conversation to begin, her to tell me why I took apart, moved, assembled a crib, purchased and installed rail bumpers and have another crib in my garage...and I get silence.

 

Now remember, I totally love this girl. I have not once had a cross word with her, not a single argument in a year and a month of being a couple, of sharing her bed. And I don't want to start one now. So I get out of bed and go to the bathroom and sit there for a few minutes, stewing in my own juices. I'm capable of saying a lot of stupid things when I'm in the heat of an argument, just ask my wife, and I don't want to go there, so I decide the best thing to do is to go home. I'm in no mood to argue, my back hurts already and everyone needs some sleep. So I go and start packing up my clothing and toiletries, and I'm sitting down putting my shoes on when she wakes up.

 

And asks me what I'm doing.

 

I say "I'm going home."

 

"What? Why?"

 

"Because you asked if I minded if the baby is still in bed with us, I said yes I do, and you ignored me. My back hurts, I don't want to roll over the baby."

 

And to add fuel to the fire, I then said...

 

Why did I go through the time and expense of moving a crib and putting in crib bumpers if you aren't going to use it?" and that, ladies and gentleman, was the wrong thing to say.

 

I didn't realize it, but when she asked me if I minded, she immediately had dropped off into slumberland and doesn't remember me saying that I did. So there wasn't going to be a conversation because she didn't know I wanted to have one. And like an idiot, I didn't say "hey, Cindy, did you hear me?" Oh, hell no. I felt ignored and decide I am going home.

 

I can see in her eyes the gears turning in her head. Her ex husband was a jerk, and I believed she started to look at my intentions in the worst possible light. She accused me of delivering an ultimatum, "either put him in his crib or I'm going home" and I guess in hindsight that's what I did, but my reality, my point of view, was I had never had an argument with this girl, didn't want to have one now, my back hurt, and I wanted to go home to my own bed rather than start a fight.

 

She launched into a discussion of sleep training, how she can't do it, its four people in this tiny apartment. She can't sleep train a baby on the four to six nights a month she doesn't have her other kids and then go back to co-sleeping on the days she does. She co-sleeps with the baby because if the baby sleeps in her daughters room that the baby will wake up the daughter, and the daughter (who tends to be a little rambunctious) will wake up the baby, and continuous mayhem would ensue. Nobody would get any sleep, everyone would be miserable, she needs time to study and her sleep is incredibly precious to her because its in incredibly short supply.

 

I agreed that it made perfect sense, I tried to apologize, but she started trying to give me money for the crib bumpers, which I wouldn't accept. She said that if the baby kept me up at night or if I might roll over him, that maybe we shouldn't sleep in the same bed at night. That I could sleep on the couch, she and the baby could sleep on the couch, or I could go home.

 

I felt trapped, and she was agitated. Nothing I said made her less upset with me, no amount of apologizing made any difference. We were both miserable, she was now wide awake and decided to work on homework.

 

I lay on the bed by myself, tears in my eyes and sobbing quietly to myself. After a while, she came, lay down on her couch with the baby, and I reached out my hand to her and she reached out to me. I was upset she didn't lay down next to me with the baby and felt she was rubbing it in, when in reality she knew I was upset and was trying to comfort me. Since I had expressed concern over rolling over the baby, she was protecting him.

 

In the morning she explained to me why she co-sleeps and said her research has shown sleep training and self-comforting don't really exist, that it isn't healthy to let babies "cry it out." I apologized profusely. She was right and I felt awful for hurting her.

 

(Note, that after looking it up myself, I share her opinion of sleep training. Just because a baby is quiet doesn't mean they are soothed, they stop crying because nobody comes. They give up, with stress chemistry flowing like crazy)

 

It was a bit awkward that day, but when we parted I felt we had patched it up. We were still in love, and I had learned it was wrong to assume anything when I could simply have found out what I needed by ASKING instead of assuming I was being ignored. Had I asked a followup question, instead of waiting for her to speak next, I would have known she fell back asleep. I never would have started packing my bag. And I wouldn't be where I find myself today, without my CindyBear, miserable and wishing I could just die.

 

I'll type part VI soon, I can only type and try proofreading so fast, and this part is getting very hard to deal with.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Snuggle Tiger

If this were Star Wars, episode VI is the part where good triumphs over evil. But in this case good gets its butt kicked by good and it sucks.

 

Cindybear hasn't had new clothing in years and I think a lot of what she did have was stuff given to her by friends, so I decided to treat her to some new clothing. Know that I would always clear things like this with my wife beforehand. I asked her if it was OK and told her what I planned to spend.

 

I had purchased some winter boots for her on Back Friday that she loved, so I took her on a mid December shopping trip, getting her four blouses, three pants, and her first new bras in probably a decade. I *loved* doing it, she was trying to not let me get her more than one or two things, but I kept insisting she try things on that caught our eye. She was positively adorable, I can't remember ever seeing someone so happy to be trying on clothes, she would emerge from the dressing room to ask me what I thought and I could see how happy she was to be getting something new to wear.

 

I love Christmas, its my favorite time of year. We made plans to be together from Tuesday the 26th until the morning of Saturday the 30th, we were going to head on a day trip to an historic lodge in the mountains that was decorated for Christmas, but a friend of hers offered to fly her out of state to see her. So instead, we spent the evening of the 26th talking, cuddling and making love and I took her to the airport at 4am of the 27th.

 

Friday she was back, and I came over, we were going to spend the 29th to the 31's together, and I would go home to my wife on New Year's eve. Instead, the night of the 30th, it all went to hell.

 

Cindy was lying on the couch with the baby (now 8 months old) and I'm sitting on the floor next to her with my arm on her and we are watching season 3 of Battlestar Galactica on disc. The baby is being fussy and doesn't want to eat or sleep, and I can sense she is getting a little tired and frustrated. She turns towards me and says "what am I going to do when classes start back up?" and I suggest to her (oh God, WHY did I have to say this) I suggest to her "maybe you could try putting him in his crib?"

 

She said later on that she said "no" to me, and that I ignored her and "pressured her" to put him in his crib. I have no recollection of her saying no, but it doesn't matter. She gets up and we head to her daughters room. We're standing by the crib and I say "he can stand up now, I need to take the crib bumper off" since the instructions said once the baby can stand it poses a strangulation risk. I start untying one of the knots and she says "no, leave it on." I start to re-tie it and she tells me she doesn't want his leg to stick out and get broken.

 

Now I don't want him in the crib because it isn't safe, and I tell her we can't put him in it because the railing is too low, he can stand up by himself, the sides can't be latched in the UP position and it isn't safe. She tells me to slide a black pastic box (I think its a toy box of some kind) under the rail and I push it there with my foot, and she asks me to hand her some of her daughters books to pile on top of the box. I do, but tell her again it isn't safe, and we shouldn't put him in the crib. She puts him in, and I ask about the blanket I gave him, I want to put it over him and she says no, its a SIDS risk and tells me to turn up the heater in his room.

 

We go out into the living room and after a few minutes the baby starts to cry. He cries with gusto for about eight minutes, then starts to get less and less, and after 12 minutes he is sleeping. During this time she asks me "what about (daughter's name)" to which I reply "she isn't here." Soon Cindy starts to look agitated, she is wandering around picking up toys and doing various straightening up for a couple minutes, and goes and picks up her sleeping son and brings him out of the bedroom.

 

She starts accusing me of pressuring her to start sleep training, and said the comment I made about her daughter not being there wasn't right.

 

I'm bewildered. I told her I wasn't trying to start anything, wasn't trying to change where the baby slept, I thought I was only responding with a one time suggestion as an immediate solution for a frazzled mom who looked tired, frustrated and at the end of her rope, but she continued to accuse me of trying to change where he sleeps, and to state the comment about her daughter wasn't OK with her.

 

At this point, I'm starting to panic inside. Cindy is getting more upset by the minute, she is mad at me, starts telling me how I know she co-sleeps and you can't sleep train in two days so she isn't going to sleep train, and if I don't agree with it that I should just go home. I'm trying to comfort her and defend myself saying again I tried to do no such thing, the comment about her daughter not being here was pointing out the obvious, that her daughter wasn't home to be disturbed by the baby crying.

 

She says if I won't leave then she will, that she is going to spend the night at a friends house. I say that doesn't make sense, I'll leave, but before I can get out she takes the baby and leaves me alone in her apartment with her dog, and no way to lock the door.

 

A half hour later, the text storm starts:

 

Her: (gal friend) isn't home ,so I am going to come back so I need you to go home.

 

Me: Cindy, I love you. I don't know why you're so upset, my suggestion about putting him in his bed wasn't any more forceful or pushy than the conversations we have about what to have for dinner or what movie to watch. I love you.

 

Her: I can stay somewhere else but I would appriciate it if you just went home, a hotel wasn't in my budget.

 

Me: I'm not angry with you, and I'm not sitting here crying. More in shock and disbelief. Please talk to me for a few minutes before I go, I'm getting my stuff ready.

 

Her: Did you head home yet? Can you go home?

 

Me: I haven't. I can. I would like to talk to you for a couple minutes first.

 

Her: It has been an hour and 15 min. (note, since she left. First text was 10:20, this text was 10:58. Its a half hour drive each way to her friends.)

 

Me: Will you talk with me for a few minutes first?

 

Her: It is 11pm. No, do I need a motel?

 

Me: Please? BTW (dogs name) has been walked already.

 

Her: I shouldn't need to though, I asked 4 times.

 

Me: Well, I'm sad that you won't talk to me. This is YOUR choice, so I'll get out. I assume I won't be back so let me make sure I have everything.

 

Her: No, I will get a motel.

 

Me: I tell you I'm leaving and you tell me you're getting a motel? Makes no sense. I'm defogging my windows, my car is slow to warm up, maybe you want to wait until I'm out of the parking lot so you don't have to look at me again.

 

Her: OK, just let me know when you head out

 

Me: We made love three times in the last day, told each other how much we love each other, and then can't have a rational discussion instead of blowing up our relationship. It makes no sense. Last time was my fault, but this one is on you. I love you Cindy.

 

There were more back and forth messages, but the essence of it all is she feels she did nothing wrong, that its all my fault, that saying the obvious statement that her daughter isn't there was horrible.

 

Facebook messenger mayhem begins, 6pm New Year's Eve:

 

Cindy: I already discussed my reasons for cosleeping and we already had an argument about it and you knew it was important to me. You said he could go to his own bed, I said "No" and then "What about (daughter's name)", you said "She isn't here", and I already told you I felt pushed and pressured, you didn't agree and said that you hadn't done that. I then left my house since you didn't agree with me and I didn't agree with you. You said via text that this was my fault. I think you need to find a girlfriend who either doesn't co-sleep with her baby, or at least one who is more obedient.

 

Me:

I fully understand why you co-sleep and I agree and understand with why you do it. Do you believe me when I say that?

 

Cindy:

I already told you how I feel and you don't understand.

What happened wasn't ok with me

 

Me:

And I'm sorry. I love you, I don't disagree with you co-sleeping, but I believe you feel I do. I'm trying to make sure I understand where you feel I went wrong, and how I didn't notice I was upsetting you.

 

 

Her:

This just happened a month ago, this was the second time, and weren't even aware you were doing it. And I told you I was upset. I am done, and like I said before, I hope you finind a girlfriend who either doesn't co-sleep with her baby, or at least one who is more obedient.

 

 

So now what? Part VII next

Link to post
Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic

Snuggles,

 

You're gonna have to give us a 3 sentence paragraph at the end of this saga, explaining it briefly, if you want advice. Your story is quite long to read! From what I gather from skimming so far, she's mad that you criticized her for co-sleeping with her baby. Is this the general gist of things?

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Snuggle Tiger

So NOW what? Since then, more back and forth on Facebook Messenger and via text. I tried to see her last Thursday, and after knocking on her door a couple times (I know she was home and not answering) she came out a bad mood, proceeded to tell me how everything was my fault, she co-sleeps and is done with me.

 

I told her love doesn't die like that, that even if I disgreed with her co-sleeping (and I don't) what difference does it make? It's her choice to make, and I'm fine with it, which is absolutely true.

 

Since this happened, I have descended into a bottomless pit of my own personal hell. I can see a half dozen points where if I had just SHUT UP and given her time, that things would have cooled down. But I'm used to fixing things, and I miss her like I have a hole in my chest.

 

Friends and co-workers have said since I still love my wife that I should be OK, what's the big deal? I explain it like this. If one of your children decided to have nothing to do with you ever again and vanished from your life, would it be OK because the other ones still love you?

 

Now that I don't have a story to tell....I'm at a loss for what to say next. She got tired of me apologizing via text and alternating with trying to convince her the 2nd fight was at least partly her fault because I had nothing but the best intentions. So now I'm ghosted, completely blocked on facebook and text or phone.

 

Of course, she hasn't blocked our home phone or my wife's phone, and my wife has said she almost wants to call her and ask her what her problem is, that if she was going to "borrow" her husband, that she should treat his feelings with a little bit more respect.

 

My wife has been a Godsend, comforting me during me sometimes constant crying, she is fully aware of how much in love I am with Cindy and is getting upset with Cindy for wanting to break it off over such trivial matters. Cindy did much to make me happy, and when I'm happy, its easier for my wife to be happy. And vice versa. It was the best.

 

I knew Cindy and I weren't going to last forever. I told her on many occasions of she found herself wanting to pursue a relationship with someone else that she should let me know and I would bow out, its the only right and fair thing for me to do. Right now I'm spry and bouncing around, but when she is in her 50's I'll be in my 70's.

 

WHY AM I SO SAD?

I always knew and assumed our love affair / sexual relationship wouldn't last forever, but I also believed I had found a friend for life. That's how we talked to each other. I didn't just lose my lover, I lost my best friend, and that hurts the most. And being ghosted hurts like hell, it's the worst, its its own form of psychological torture.

 

I never got the closure I needed. I probably never will. What in the world did I do? What was so horrible about suggesting a tired mom put a crying baby in it's crib? Or about pointing out her daughter wasn't there to hear the baby.

 

What I WISH WOULD HAPPEN: She wake up and realize her life is NOT better since the breakup. And neither is mine. That she still loves, wants and needs me. I did a lot for her that isn't captured here.

 

WHAT I'M DOING TO FIX MYSELF:

I started a month long sabbatical from work

I have an appointment with a psychologist and my MD tomorrow.

Later this month I start seeing therapist that I saw a few years ago while my wife's cancer was at its worst. I have two appointments now, and will add more later.

 

WHAT I WANT TO DO BUT AM NOT SURE I WILL DO:

Start posting on facebook pictures of her at various locations that we visited together that are many miles from home and would reveal at trip taken with me. Since I had my wife's approval, have no need to hide this relationship from anyone.

 

 

What I would love to do, but won't:

I won't expose our relationship to any of her friends that don't already know about us. But I want to. However, if they stumble across a picture and find out by accident, I don't care Not my problem. Not anymore.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Snuggle Tiger
Snuggles,

 

You're gonna have to give us a 3 sentence paragraph at the end of this saga, explaining it briefly, if you want advice. Your story is quite long to read! From what I gather from skimming so far, she's mad that you criticized her for co-sleeping with her baby. Is this the general gist of things?

Great idea! :bunny:

Short version: TL;DR

Beautiful, loving relationship was blown up by girlfriend making assumptions I was trying to get her to stop co-sleeping with her baby, and refuses to accept any denials or apology.

 

I can't convince her otherwise and am having suicidal thoughts and feel worthless and can't stop blaming myself. Am in a pit of pain and despair for not shutting up and waiting to see if it would blow over.

Edited by Snuggle Tiger
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Snuggle Tiger

Writing this was very cathartic. I don't know that I expect anyone else to read it, but it would be nice to see what people think I can or should do. I'm not ready to give up, but I'm in so much pain. I never understood why people would consider suicide but now I get it. My thoughts swirl, I concoct fantasies in which we're back together.

 

This weekend is going to be HARD. Our bubble time was every other weekend and we broke up on the 30th. Friday January 12th, 2018 would be the start of our next bubble time, and I'm afraid I'm going to lose all control of my emotions on Friday and Saturday.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I’m sorry for what you’re going through; it’s obvious you’re in a lot of pain and filled with regrets over how it blew up.

 

But PLEASE call a hotline if you’re still having suicidal thoughts. Nothing, and no one, is worth that. Imagine how devastated your wife would feel if you went through with it. Could you really do that to her?

 

Has your wife ever met Cindy? What does each think about the other? Seems like you’re in a real juggling act trying to split your emotions between two women. Perhaps it’s time to let Cindy go and rethink this arrangement.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I read the whole thing!

 

First off, I want to say that I co-slept with my kids until they were quite old (my 8 year old is sleeping in my bed right now). Co-sleeping and nursing (for some reason very closely linked for a lot of women) can really be hot button issues for couples. A lot of men have a hard time with it and a lot of women feel like its very important for them and their children. My ex and I had friction about it and tho he is wrong I think he believes it drove a wedge between us. (He was really messed up about sex and we had a terrible sex life for the 13 years we were together before I got pregnant, so for him to feel like the co-sleeping did it is to deny how f'd up it was before co-sleeping, iykwim.)

 

So, I'm wondering if she did get a lot of negative pressure about it from her ex and maybe that's why she felt so attacked even tho you weren't feeling anti-co-sleeping.

 

Do you feel like your love for your wife and her love for you are enough to keep you from actually trying to kill yourself? I know that when my husband left me after 25 years together I felt like I wished I didn't have kids because their very existence made suicide imposdible for me. I hope the same is true for you regarding your wife. And I kind of think if I were in her shoes I'd feel pretty insulted if you weren't making it clear that she was enough to make life worth living. Please make sure you're taking care of her. She sounds like a saint.

 

As for what you can do... I think you should try to make contact one more time but if she's still resistant, you need to get past it and move on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Snuggle Tiger
I’m sorry for what you’re going through; it’s obvious you’re in a lot of pain and filled with regrets over how it blew up.

 

But PLEASE call a hotline if you’re still having suicidal thoughts. Nothing, and no one, is worth that. Imagine how devastated your wife would feel if you went through with it. Could you really do that to her?

 

Has your wife ever met Cindy? What does each think about the other? Seems like you’re in a real juggling act trying to split your emotions between two women. Perhaps it’s time to let Cindy go and rethink this arrangement.

 

I am in so much pain, I never thought it possible to hurt this much, to cry this hard. I don't want to die, and I'm not planning it, I'm looking forward to enjoying retirement with my wife in just a few more years. And I want to see my grandchildren grow up, and to have great grandchildren. Yet the thoughts just JAM themselves into my brain, they come out of nowhere.

 

I had a long-standing appointment for 9am today (Thursday 1/11/18) to the guy that prescribes my ADD medication, I'm sure we will talk about this.

I see a psychologist at 10:30 because my family practitioner freaked out when I scheduled an appointment online for 11:50 with the following reason:

 

"having suicidal thoughts & anxiety & depression following breakup with extremly close friend."

 

My wife HAS met Cindy and found her quite likeable. They didn't talk long, they met at our dance studio and talked about raising kids and such.

 

I wish my wife would talk to her, crazy as that sounds. Maybe she could find out what the hell I was supposed to have done wrong that earned such wrath, because I can't see anything I did to deserve being dumped hours after we make love, just minutes after cuddling and telling each other how lucky we are to have each other, and how much we are in love.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Snuggle Tiger
I read the whole thing!

 

First off, I want to say that I co-slept with my kids until they were quite old (my 8 year old is sleeping in my bed right now). Co-sleeping and nursing (for some reason very closely linked for a lot of women) can really be hot button issues for couples. A lot of men have a hard time with it and a lot of women feel like its very important for them and their children. My ex and I had friction about it and tho he is wrong I think he believes it drove a wedge between us. (He was really messed up about sex and we had a terrible sex life for the 13 years we were together before I got pregnant, so for him to feel like the co-sleeping did it is to deny how f'd up it was before co-sleeping, iykwim.)

 

So, I'm wondering if she did get a lot of negative pressure about it from her ex and maybe that's why she felt so attacked even tho you weren't feeling anti-co-sleeping.

 

Do you feel like your love for your wife and her love for you are enough to keep you from actually trying to kill yourself? I know that when my husband left me after 25 years together I felt like I wished I didn't have kids because their very existence made suicide imposdible for me. I hope the same is true for you regarding your wife. And I kind of think if I were in her shoes I'd feel pretty insulted if you weren't making it clear that she was enough to make life worth living. Please make sure you're taking care of her. She sounds like a saint.

 

As for what you can do... I think you should try to make contact one more time but if she's still resistant, you need to get past it and move on.

 

I don't think she co-slept with her first three kids, they had a big enough house where their children had their own bedrooms. I do know her ex is a jerk, at least according to her. She has shown me emails of their sparring, and its the SAME kind of crap she is doing to me. Nothing can be let go, every word and nuance in his emails are examined, dissected and interpreted through the worst possible filter. Well, OK, your ex was an abusive ass. But I'm kind, loving, caring, and don't want to hurt her and feel bad if I did. I'm one of the nice ones. Her ex was her first love, she was 18 and a virgin and married her ex to get away from an abusive mom. She knew within six months it was a bad decision, but stayed due to pressure from her mom, and that's what good Christian wives do. After the divorce she was never with anyone else very long or loved anyone else. So I'm the first "normal" relationship she has had, she doesn't know how to handle conflict within a normal kind and loving relationship.

 

I don't intend to kill myself. But I'm afraid I'm not far from it? I have so much to look forward to. I confided in a very close girl friend from the dance studio after a class a couple days ago, we went and got coffee and before long were both crying our eyes out. She told me that a lot of people love and value me, and would be devastated if I did anything like that. So for her, for my wife (yes, she IS a saint, my GOD do I love her) I don't intend to do it.

 

I feel strongly I need to get some good chemicals in me to calm down the runaway crap that's going on inside my head.

 

I'll certainly try to make contact one more time. The question is when. I thought of going over to her place this Saturday, I know all her other kids will be with their dad and it was supposed to be our bubble time, so she will just have the baby. Or do I wait two more weeks?

 

If I do it soon and fail, then I know I'm done and can work more on starting to heal. If I do it later, I probably have a better chance of success but face another two weeks of uncertainty.

 

I'm considering dropping off flowers and a card this Saturday, just knocking on the door and leaving them there, with the card saying I'm sorry for all I did wrong. That I love her, and I want to stay with her, and that I'll not contact her for two weeks and then trying after two weeks. But I just don't know. I'm also thinking of starting to post pictures of her on FB, blowing up the relationship to all her conservative Christian friends, "Hey, your mid 30's friend has been boinking me for the past year, a 50 something married grandfather 22 years older than her!" :lmao:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Snuggle Tiger, I will confess to not reading all of your posts. But I do need to ask what personal responsibility you are taking for landing yourself in this situation. I'm sure you know it's crazy to expect any kind of ongoing commitment from an affair partner who's 20 years your junior. Why have you not protected yourself from the inevitble?

 

Have you considered that she may have just wanted out and because of that took offence too easily? It's pretty easy to be terminally offended by someone who isn't going to be your long term future. After all, she's far too young to give up on finding a future with a young man who can actually commit to her and give her the life she deserves. Honestly, she's very soon going to have a moment of "what was I thinking?" (Not being ageist, I'm 50)

Edited by basil67
  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm also thinking of starting to post pictures of her on FB, blowing up the relationship to all her conservative Christian friends, "Hey, your mid 30's friend has been boinking me for the past year, a 50 something married grandfather 22 years older than her!" :lmao:

 

Don't do this. It reflects more on your character than it does hers.

 

Get yourself some medical help. Nothing about this situation or your reaction is normal.

  • Like 10
Link to post
Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease

 

I'm considering dropping off flowers and a card this Saturday, just knocking on the door and leaving them there, with the card saying I'm sorry for all I did wrong. That I love her, and I want to stay with her, and that I'll not contact her for two weeks and then trying after two weeks. But I just don't know. I'm also thinking of starting to post pictures of her on FB, blowing up the relationship to all her conservative Christian friends, "Hey, your mid 30's friend has been boinking me for the past year, a 50 something married grandfather 22 years older than her!" :lmao:

 

Although you profess your love for her the above bolded stands in opposition to your claim. No one who loves another would want to expose the person in this way. I doubt you plan on doing it but the fact that you're so focused on your pain, instead of the pain she had to put up with the past year sharing you with your wife, knowing the two of you could never be married (Mentioning this is not to ignore what your wife had to endure, also. Sure, she allowed it because she had no choice.) and that you're getting pleasure out of the thought of publicly exposing her, speaks volumes.

 

Your ex gf's break up with you is most likely because she wants to be in a R with someone who is not married to someone else and who can be with her 24/7.

 

OP, have you ever been in IC?

Edited by LivingWaterPlease
  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
IReallyLovePuppies

I tried reading like 75% of what you wrote.. I don't mean to open your wounds but I think you are more in love with the fact that you are with a woman 20 years your junior than anything else.

 

Seriously.. Take a step back and look at how unfair you are to Cindy. If you were single.. that's not a problem but you are not and spending what.. 2 to 3 days a week with her and the rest of the week, you are with your wife whom you said is number one and has total vetoing power.

 

That's BS mate. I'm praying your wife lives a long and healthy life and so Cindy has to live in her shadow all these years?

 

How would you like it if Cindy has a bf herself and is only seeing you one day of your allocated 2-3 days and he has total Vero power?

 

If you really love Cindy.. Move on. Don't be selfish and destroy someone life cause you want to have a wonderful wife and a mistress on the side, whom is probably looking for a life partner herself.

 

Yes..I read the part where she said she wanted a FWB.. But that was when she was going through a bad messy time, have you truly at down lately to see if she is happy with the current arrangement? I for one can't think of any woman who would be.. not being number one etc.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic
I'm also thinking of starting to post pictures of her on FB, blowing up the relationship to all her conservative Christian friends, "Hey, your mid 30's friend has been boinking me for the past year, a 50 something married grandfather 22 years older than her!" :lmao:

 

I certainly hope she has her Facebook settings programmed so that things other people post on her wall or tag her in are only visible to her.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Snuggle Tiger
Snuggle Tiger, I will confess to not reading all of your posts. But I do need to ask what personal responsibility you are taking for landing yourself in this situation. I'm sure you know it's crazy to expect any kind of ongoing commitment from an affair partner who's 20 years your junior. Why have you not protected yourself from the inevitble?

 

Have you considered that she may have just wanted out and because of that took offence too easily? It's pretty easy to be terminally offended by someone who isn't going to be your long term future. After all, she's far too young to give up on finding a future with a young man who can actually commit to her and give her the life she deserves. Honestly, she's very soon going to have a moment of "what was I thinking?" (Not being ageist, I'm 50)

 

I told her many times that if she ever met someone that she might have a connection with that she should tell me, I would step back. Her reply was always that she was too busy juggling four kids, a full time class load and homework and dealing with her ex to even consider a more conventional relationship, that she didn't want to bring a guy (meaning a guy that would want more of her time) into her life and that she expected we would be together like this at least until she graduated college and probably longer. She hoped that when I retired my wife might allow me to spend a little more time with her. These were recent, ongoing conversations.

 

I always believed that the romantic and sexual portion of our relationship would end within a few years, probably when she graduated or maybe after, but I didn't think it would end like this. Its the ghosting that hurts the most, the loss of the friendship that has crushed me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Its the ghosting that hurts the most, the loss of the friendship that has crushed me.

 

But she wasn't a friend, she was a lover. Even if she moved on in the manner you expected, you'd still lose her as a friend. It would be quite inappropriate for her to keep you around with new romance on the horizon.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Kudos to anyone who read this .. I t would take a special kind of person to read through that much but your getting it out. I started reading and realized you started a relationship with a young pregnant women and that is iffy on your part and to assume you are now the father is even more creepy. As far as she is concerned, being pregnant is not the time to start a relationship especially with someone who has your instability concerns me,

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Snuggle Tiger
But she wasn't a friend, she was a lover. Even if she moved on in the manner you expected, you'd still lose her as a friend. It would be quite inappropriate for her to keep you around with new romance on the horizon.

 

I had a prior FWB/lover, and we're still friends and totally non-sexual with each other. She knows that I can go back to being friends because I've done it before.

 

I get what you're saying, but at this point I'm 100% sure this has nothing to do with another man.

Link to post
Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic
I had a prior FWB/lover, and we're still friends and totally non-sexual with each other. She knows that I can go back to being friends because I've done it before.

 

I get what you're saying, but at this point I'm 100% sure this has nothing to do with another man.

 

Maybe she simply changed her mind about this type of arrangement.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...