zawadi16 Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 I was so in love with him. First person I ever thought about marriage with, kids, wanted to live together, all that good stuff. Ex broke up with me because he was tired of the arguing. Tried to get back with me a week later. I let him come over and we talked for an hour or so. When he broke up with me I thought he just wanted to play the field. I told him if he would just admit to wanting to play the field then we could move forward. He said he wasn’t going to admit to something that wasn’t true. I then told him it was a mistake letting him come over, and I was happy and moved on. He nodded, said okay, and walked out. I'll admit I told kind of blew up his phone still venting about the breakup. About 30 minutes after he left I sent him a message saying how I was sorry and the breakup messed with me head. He didn’t respond. I sent him another message, much lengthier this time. I was talking about our issues and brought up how he broke up with me. He ignored that. I sent another message saying how I wanted to stay but felt like I couldn’t. He ignored that. Then I sent him another message the next morning. He finally responded. I sent another message/reply that afternoon which he ignored I sent another message that evening which he also ignored. So I sent about 6-8 messages within those 24 hrs. I sent him a message a few days later/week later saying the breakup hard for me. He said it was hard for him too. Since I rejected his reconciliation did I become the dumper? Or is he the dumper and if so, how? Link to post Share on other sites
HumanMachine Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 No you’re not the dumper. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zawadi16 Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 No you’re not the dumper. Even though I rejected him? Link to post Share on other sites
HumanMachine Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 Even though I rejected him? He ended the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Emmafive Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 Even though I rejected him? Did you really reject him though? Your words say so, but your actions... People can talk a big game and I suppose that’s what you did. Link to post Share on other sites
perception Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 Hey, being in a similar situation right now, where I kind of ask myself the same question - I might help you on this. No you are not the dumper, you reacted highly emotionally. It's only 1 week after the breakup and the natural instinct in coping at that stage is to ponder the decision, which leads to denial about the reasons of the breakup. That's why it isn't surprising that he seeks contact in that stage, however nothing has changed about the reasons why he broke up with you in the first place. In texting him so frequently you show him that you are not respecting his decisions - the same thing happened when you accused him of messing with you just because of your insecurities about the break up.(which is very understandable, i feel for you - We all are highly emotional in these situations and seek closure). However with this behaviour you (admittely not terribly subtle) lowkey, confirmed his earlier decision - rather than open up a chance for reconciliation. If you love him, give him the chance to really cope (yes the dreaded NC...). But you also owe it to yourself, if you two have a chance at reconciliation nobody can tell at that stage. With time comes perspective and if you truly have another shot only time will tell. Allow yourself to grief until you feel stable again. (In my situation I've been emotionally cheated on and simply was too hurt to trust her anymore - that's why I broke up with her. I still very much love her though - My instincts tell me to seek reconciliation immediately. But I know that wouldn't change anything. So rather than giving in - to something that would make me feel miserable again. I decided to step away to work it out with myself. Maybe it will get better and we have a chance. Likely she won't give me the chance when I'm ready to have it. Rather than focusing on her, I'm focusing on myself now to break the codependency that comes with a relationship - But I also allow myself to grief, which is very important in going forward(But makes your life hell).) I wish you strength in this difficult time, rely on your loved ones have a talk with your mom/dad and phone up your friends. (Or use this forum ) PS: NC! The next message, if there will ever be one, needs to be his. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 Since I rejected his reconciliation did I become the dumper? Or is he the dumper and if so, how? No. You didn't have a relationship to end. He ended the relationship. He has regrets, but the relationship ended b/c HE wanted it to end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zawadi16 Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 No. You didn't have a relationship to end. He ended the relationship. He has regrets, but the relationship ended b/c HE wanted it to end. Hmm I see. Question: what did my actions say after I said I was happy and moved on? Link to post Share on other sites
Emmafive Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 Hmm I see. Question: what did my actions say after I said I was happy and moved on? That you lied about moving on and being happy. That you did want to be with him but you were just pissed that he broke up with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 Hmm I see. Question: what did my actions say after I said I was happy and moved on? BTW, where in your post does it suggest that he wanted reconciliation? Am I missing something? He said that the break-up was hard for him too. That is common. That is not a desire to reconcile. Why is the question whether you are the dumpee/er now so important to you? Move forward. Let him heal and you do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 I'm sure he got turned off by all those messages in a 24 hour period. Yeah he dumped you in a very slick way. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 He dumped you. A week later asked to reconcile. You rejected and dumped him when he wouldn't agree with your accusation. Then you went off the rails with your text messages. I'm sure that sent him running the other way. Regardless of who's the dumper or dumpee, you found a reason good enough to end it and rejected his efforts to reconcile. In that sense, find acceptance in your decision and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 Oh, forgive me. I missed that he tried to come back. Well, I still am not wholly certain you did the dumping. He came back and you wanted him to admit to something he firmly was not prepared to do so, so it sounds like he rejected YOUR terms for reconciliation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leojax Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 He dumped you. A week later asked to reconcile. You rejected and dumped him when he wouldn't agree with your accusation. Then you went off the rails with your text messages. I'm sure that sent him running the other way. Regardless of who's the dumper or dumpee, you found a reason good enough to end it and rejected his efforts to reconcile. In that sense, find acceptance in your decision and move on. I don’t think her reason was good enough. It sounded like an impulse decision and like she was hurt that she was broken up with and in turn rejected him. Even though that’s not what she really wanted which is why she isn’t accepting her choice to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 YES. You are the dumper. You won. You can leave the guy alone now. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 He dumped you. You are a dumpee with strong boundaries who is not letting him back into your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Leojax Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 He dumped you. You are a dumpee with strong boundaries who is not letting him back into your life. Strong boundaries? Haha. She basically harassed the guy after she lied and said she had moved on (in a week) then proceeded to tell him she was having a hard time. That doesn’t sound like boundaries at all. Sounds like someone who was dumped and hurt but still wanted the relationship. Bet a million and one dollars she still has him on social media. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zawadi16 Posted January 11, 2018 Author Share Posted January 11, 2018 Strong boundaries? Haha. She basically harassed the guy after she lied and said she had moved on (in a week) then proceeded to tell him she was having a hard time. That doesn’t sound like boundaries at all. Sounds like someone who was dumped and hurt but still wanted the relationship. Bet a million and one dollars she still has him on social media. Yea I do. I just viewed his Snapchat stories today. Link to post Share on other sites
bluecastle Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 Somewhere in both your cores (past the firestorm of emotions) you know that this relationship is over. But that firestorm is triggering both your egos in reckless ways. A week later he wanted you back—that's ego. You rejected him—ego. You then wanted him to want you again—ego. You are both playing games to avoid feeling the pain of the loss. One of the big things we lose when we breakup is the great ego soother that there is someone out there who wants us. The breakup leaves a void, the void of being unwanted, and our first instinct (ego) is to fill that void. And who better to fill it with than our ex, because they're "right there" and familiar? But to get to a healthy place you need to just respect that void. Let it exist, don't fight it, listen to it. There is wisdom there. Maybe you guys reunite one day, but it needs to be from a wholly new angle. You suspected he wanted to "play the field," and those instincts, whether true or not, aren't going to go away in a week or two. So just sit with the pain and discomfort for a bit. A week is just a week—it's nothing. Until you've both closed this chapter, a new one is impossible to inhabit. Link to post Share on other sites
HumanMachine Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 Yea I do. I just viewed his Snapchat stories today. What are you trying to get out of this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author zawadi16 Posted January 11, 2018 Author Share Posted January 11, 2018 (edited) Somewhere in both your cores (past the firestorm of emotions) you know that this relationship is over. But that firestorm is triggering both your egos in reckless ways. A week later he wanted you back—that's ego. You rejected him—ego. You then wanted him to want you again—ego. You are both playing games to avoid feeling the pain of the loss. One of the big things we lose when we breakup is the great ego soother that there is someone out there who wants us. The breakup leaves a void, the void of being unwanted, and our first instinct (ego) is to fill that void. And who better to fill it with than our ex, because they're "right there" and familiar? But to get to a healthy place you need to just respect that void. Let it exist, don't fight it, listen to it. There is wisdom there. Maybe you guys reunite one day, but it needs to be from a wholly new angle. You suspected he wanted to "play the field," and those instincts, whether true or not, aren't going to go away in a week or two. So just sit with the pain and discomfort for a bit. A week is just a week—it's nothing. Until you've both closed this chapter, a new one is impossible to inhabit. Thanks I needed to hear that. I don’t think it’s ego though. It’s more head vs heart. See we were both good to each other. No one cheated, we got along with each other’s friends and families, etc. So when the relationship ends and you’re still very much in love it makes it that much harder to let them go. Head knows better, but my heart lags behind. It’s extremely hard to reconcile letting go of someone you’re still deeply in love with. I dated someone for 5 years before this (2 years single after him). We wanted to get married as well. Then he cheated and repeatedly lied about other women. I walked away from him and I was relieved. I was surprised how little I felt for him when I broke things off. I barely thought of him, even after 5 years. But this one.... this one really hurts. I know he’s hurting too which also makes it hard. So no, no ego just immense amount of pain. My parents while dating broke up all the time and they argued A LOT.Got engaged and he called it off a week later. They got back together then one day he just ghosted my mother. He was gone for a year and a half and one day he called her. In that year she got engaged to someone better looking, made more money, and was nicer to her but she kept saying, “but he wasn’t your father”. They’ve been married almost 40 years. Clearly this was not a relationship that either one should have revisited. I asked my mom why she went back to him. She said obviously because she was stupid but for both of them the pain of not having each other outweighed the logic. Not the smartest thing lol, but it was honest and I think it rings true for a lot of couples who breakup. Pain/Heart outweighs logic/head. Edited January 11, 2018 by zawadi16 Link to post Share on other sites
CantTakeMySmile Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 What difference does it make who quit first? Link to post Share on other sites
magnesium Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 What difference does it make who quit first? After a break-up, people are almost always emotional and they analyze every detail of the relationship with a fine-tooth comb. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CantTakeMySmile Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 After a break-up, people are almost always emotional and they analyze every detail of the relationship with a fine-tooth comb. Oh, I totally get that... I do that as well. I was just wondering how "who quit first" matters. I mean, is it like a win vs. lose situation? Like whoever quit first wins.. or is it a situation where you are trying to figure out if they still want you. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 After a break-up, people are almost always emotional and they analyze every detail of the relationship with a fine-tooth comb. Amen. Ugh. Link to post Share on other sites
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