Can’t forgive myself. It’s all my fault I know it I Feels to run away **Updated**

[Msday91]

I have just come out of a 9 month relationship with a man of a different religion. The relationship began amazingly and I have never met anyone who is exactly my type physically and mentally. One issue, I met his whole family but mine didn’t know of him. He began putting less effort into me after about 4/5 months and if I brought it up he’d say ‘ well I’m a secret’ it was putting pressure on me because I knew I should introduce him, but him being mellow and indifferent in his efforts I just didn’t know if I should. He didn’t give me much reassurance about the future ( or as much as I wanted ) and he began to say he dislikes Muslims ( my religion though I’m not religious my family has a decent connection with Islam). He’d also sometimes mention his ex girlfriend which would make me insecure. I told him once we need to meet sit and discuss all our issues but when I went over he just put the telly on.

We then went on a break and he didn’t seem to really care he just said he won’t change himself.. anyway we got rocky again, broke up. I begged for him back, he didn’t come back, then he did said he wanted to try againthen it messed up again before we even met ( this was probably my fault to be fair )

I feel like although I know he felt like a secret, he never actually sat me down and properly communicated it to me and would only bring it up if we were already in a argument. I said to him you’ll meet them, I just saying it’ll be a bit difficult as you’re not Muslim but ima stick by you.

We are 24/25 he’s white British im Arab. He knew the deal when we first got together.

If he had put more effort in after the honeymoon phase I’d have more motivation to fight for him with my rents.

I’m broken. He is a good guy with a good background, he’d still say he loved me but it became routine where we stopped doing exciting things. I wonder if it’s because he thought I may just leave him for my family in the end - wish he had opened up to me more if that were the case or I should’ve just known ..

[perception]

Knowing that kind of dynamic all too well, I can't give you sound advice on what you should have done.

 

I can only tell you that losing interest in someone is a two-way street, the honeymoon phase is not very indicative of how you playout in the long run.

 

From my perspective it's a problem when a partner leaves you out of their lives and just regards you as the fun plaything. For me it speaks volumes about the commitment - I understand that it's even more of a barrier, if you are culturally predisposed not to be with that person.

But if I was in his shoes, I probably would feel very insecure about commiting to you -exactly because of your reluctance. In consequence the distance would grow.

 

However, give yourself some credit and trust your instincts. A man that makes you happy won't give off the vibe of being unworthy to be presented to your family.

 

(I admit it's a longshot, but I bet your family wants you to be happy and if you are so in love with someone, they will notice that and support you. At least I hope that's the case - If it's not - You need to make him understand that and show him that you choose him over that. Nobody wants to be burned over a small flame.)

 

Wish you the best.

[usa1ah]

You should still be in a honeymoon phase for one.

 

About meeting your relations is on you. He backed off because he didn’t believe in you. Your unwillingness to introduce him could have been taken as you not really being serious about the relationship.

 

Look at it like this. He introduced you to his family with out any hints from you correct.

 

Why couldn’t you do the same?

 

He actually told you what the problem on his side was, you keeping him a secret. What man or woman would continue a relationship with someone that was ashamed of them or didn’t care enough to introduce to the family.

 

The remarks about religion were uncalled for, but I think most if not all of us have said things when we are hurting/angry that we wish could be unsaid.

[Msday91]

I didn’t s see any reason for anger he said those comments first thing in the morning on a calm morning so I was confused..

 

And I did tell my mum eventually to which he said he will take us out for dinner - I said fine let’s do it next week and he never mentioned it again

[usa1ah]

I would say it might be to little to late.

 

Sorry

[IReallyLovePuppies]

Move on. He seems like one of those bad boys good boys mentality where he's happy to keep you if you are interested and if not.. he'll move on.

 

Never really understand the family bit.. you are going out with the person, if you treat them right.. Whose the family to say yes or no? But some like to meet the family right away and in your case, it seems like he's in that boat.

 

Myself? I won't waste more time with him.. when you are with someone as long as you have with him.. either there's a commitment or there isn't and if it's the latter.. please don't waste your time..

 

Be happy.

[Msday91]

I was interested.

Lost my virginity to him and was clearly in love. I’ve never introduced anyone to my family before it’s not like I did previous boyfriends. He was my first relationship

 

How can it be a little too late it never is when you claim to love someone. I didn’t cheat.

[stillafool]

It's too much drama in your relationship for it to be healthy. He is probably tired of all of this drama and feels like it's too much difficulty with different religious backgrounds, parents, etc. He is very young and probably doesn't want to deal with all of that anymore. I can't blame him.

[Msday91]

Don’t all relationships have some drama.

I was the one going to see him all the time I made all the actual physical effort and organised most of our dates.

I don’t know anybody who has drama free relationships, I thought we were strong enough to get through things, we had a few arguments and he caved in so quickly.

[RSCoach]

Because of the cultural differences, he probably got nervous. He says he loves you and he probably does, but my experience tells me that he lacks self-confidence so he got cold feet.

 

One thing you could try to do he you really care for him is to boost he self-confidence by complimenting him in subtle but no uncertain ways.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Don't take this too badly, but yes. He is a secret. You being Muslim is different from many other cultures here in the west. He is British and THAT comes with it's own cultural pressures concerning relationships and norms.

That being said, you are very concerned with what YOU want, and not him. You knew that having him around your family or inner circle was a no-go, so you went to HIM. You initiated because, YOU wanted it. That's okay, but he also will have his point of view in the matter. You liked having a boyfriend outside your cultural norm, but it apparently has its consequences. He wants an fruitful relationship that can be out in the open. So, after a time, he is now indifferent....

Good news is, he is your first. And won't be the last. So take what you enjoyed from the relationship and find it in others that are more suited to your lifestyle.

[Msday91]

He did come around my friends. He weren’t particularly into them he said he has nothin in common with them because they are Muslim and from a different area ... even though they’re British born

[IReallyLovePuppies]

How can it be a little too late it never is when you claim to love someone.

 

None of us know exactly what he is thinking or what might be.. he night come around or he might not. The question you now have to asked yourself..

Are you going to waste years in your one life waiting for someone who might not be,

Or are you going to learn from this.. Be stronger, move on and be happy?

 

One thing you need to also learn and sadly, I'm guilty of this as well..

Love does not conquer all unless that love is mutual.. if the former is true, this place won't exist and we'll all be happy little Vegemite..

 

So yes.. Even if you love him, I believe it's now too late.

 

I'm sorry.. Move on, be strong and I hope you'll be happy.

[Msday91]

I guess I had unrealistic expectations of men. It’s just I’ve seen my girlfriends boyfriends move mountains to be with them, I thought my love story would be the same

[usa1ah]

I was interested.

Lost my virginity to him and was clearly in love. I’ve never introduced anyone to my family before it’s not like I did previous boyfriends. He was my first relationship

 

How can it be a little too late it never is when you claim to love someone. I didn’t cheat.

 

I don’t believe you cheated. Never crossed my mind.

 

Listen, I believe you are a wonderful woman. I don’t believe you meant anything with your actions. I am just trying to show you what was/is going through your bf’s mind. What him might be reading in your not introducing him.

 

Do I agree with his actions, no I don’t. He is acting like a spoiled child that didn’t get his piece of candy instead of a grown man. I guess all guys had done this from time to time. Instead of just loving you he started getting pissy.

[usa1ah]

I guess I had unrealistic expectations of men. It’s just I’ve seen my girlfriends boyfriends move mountains to be with them, I thought my love story would be the same

 

Only if he loved you the way you love him.

 

Love is giving not selfish.

 

Love is wonderful when it is shared.

 

Love hurts when it is not shared.

 

There are plenty of people that think they love someone. The only problem is they don’t know what Love is.

[Msday91]

Hey, thanks your comment made me a bit tearful. It’s nice to know someone’s thinks I may be wonderful.

Some of the replies here made me feel quite awful and selfish and perhaps I was but I really, really loved and still do love him but yes it is too late Nx he is dating someone new since last month now

[Msday91]

Only if he loved you the way you love him.

 

Love is giving not selfish.

 

Love is wonderful when it is shared.

 

Love hurts when it is not shared.

 

There are plenty of people that think they love someone. The only problem is they don’t know what Love is.

 

Are you saying I didn’t love him only thought so?

[Msday91]

So I had my first proper break up and adult relationship at the age of 24 we broke up in August. How did I react? Oh boy.

I begged for him back each other and then went no contact for two weeks to which he begged for me back- it ended up not working though because I felt stupid for begging for him back before hand and he was s rude about it.

He then called it quits again and I literally died.

Begged and begged for him back throughout October to December. I’d take full responsibility for the relationship

Until I found out his dating someone else in December a week after he said he still loves me and we should meet up. When the day to meet up came his phone was switched off and that night he said were better off apart so it took my feelings back to square one I had hope for no reason.

He’d ignore me or say he felt sorry for me that I need to get my **** together and fix up. That I need to get over it cos he wasn’t a good boyfriend anyway, He’d also say tell me straight to move on and leave him alone but in my head him not blocking me gave me hope. I even begged him to block me cos I couldn’t help my pathetic self.

I am now thinking back and feel super embarrassed of my actions . I just want to forget about him and this whole episode where I literally went the insane

Edited January 21, 2018 by Msday91

[Mystyry]

Chalk it up to a first experience. There is never quite the same one after, OP, which perhaps is big blessing I know it feels very traumatic right now, but years later (and hopefully when you are in a healthy good relationship), you will remember this is an awkward first relationship story.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself - there is plenty more experiences, feelings and awkward things you'll do in the name of love ahead. Draw your conclusions, learn what you can, decide what you will not put up with for the next relationship and more importantly, forgive yourself and allow yourself to heal. Best of luck to you!

[Msday91]

Chalk it up to a first experience. There is never quite the same one after, OP, which perhaps is big blessing I know it feels very traumatic right now, but years later (and hopefully when you are in a healthy good relationship), you will remember this is an awkward first relationship story.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself - there is plenty more experiences, feelings and awkward things you'll do in the name of love ahead. Draw your conclusions, learn what you can, decide what you will not put up with for the next relationship and more importantly, forgive yourself and allow yourself to heal. Best of luck to you!

 

Hey,

Thank you. He would often say I’m emotionally immature because I’ve neber had a relationship before and maybe he was right. I guess next time I’ll be a better gf

[sunny-face]

I’m sorry that you feel broken and that your relationship didn’t work out. I do hope you find somebody that suits you in the very near future. For now, focus your attention on things that make you happy such as your family and friends. Engage in activities that you enjoy and get into routines that alleviate your hurt. When I’m feeling broken and lost, I try to use my hobbies (writing, reading, walking, and bike rides) as healthy distractions. I do hope for healing and resolution in your life.