What now

[Ginger123]

please excuse me bullet pointing.

 

I am very low at the moment and know I am depressed. I have an appointment next week but I'm lost right now.

 

. Started relationship 4 years ago.

. He moved in quite quickly and gave up his rented flat.

. He turned out to be a functioning alcoholic.

. Got him to move out and he got his own place.

. he still pursued a relationship with me and I supported him through rehab.

. He has stopped and stated drinking a few times.

. We had split up and got back together a few times.

. In March he didn't turn up and came the next day when I was out and removed all his things.

. I was a ok and was getting over it all but 3 months later he came back.

.Said he would never leave me again.

. I feel neither of us are happy with each other as so much has happened.

 

Monday he tuned up drunk, he drove to my house drunk. This was only the second time since his return in June. The following day I found the courage to say that I'd had enough and I have. I can't go through the drinking, the lies that it evokes and the strange behaviour again.

 

It feels difficult as he has fallen out with all his family although his son still speaks with him (he is in Australia).

 

I stared to gather his things together to return them to him.

 

He has text me today to say 'if you want to come round this evening let me know'.

 

I can't talk to family or friends as I'm embarrassed about having him back after complaining about him in March.

 

I feel frightened.

[d0nnivain]

Loving an addict is tough. They suck the life out of you. Try going to an Al-anon meeting until you can get to your therapy. It's a group for people who love alcoholics. They can give you some insight into your behavior & his.

 

 

Hang in there.

[Ginger123]

Already did Al-anon. Your supposed to detach emotionally. Even finally doing that is hard. I get on with my life and then feel guilty cause he's not involved.

 

I suppose that's what's done me as I really would like someone to share things with. I meet friends and he doesn't come due to stuff in the past where friends have advised to get rid of him. My son dislikes him. Went to my sons birthday do which he was not invited to. He said if he was invited somewhere and I couldn't go then he wouldn't go, that makes me feel bad.

 

When i do invite him he never seems keen and i think he does things on purpose so i don't want him to come. It feels like I'm living two lives. One with him and one involving others.

[Ginger123]

Don't know what to do. He will be alone for Christmas if I don't get in touch and continue with the planes for Christmas day.

[d0nnivain]

Why don't you try it their way, & detach? Your way -- staying connected -- isn't working. You can always try to reconnect when you are stronger.

[Muffet]

I know it's sometimes hard to see things objectively when you're a caring person who feels the need to help others. Do you feel guilty if you don't help him? If so, I question whether that's right. Your son doesn't like him...that says a lot and for me, I'd be done with that guy. Who is more important to you: this guy who causes you pain and trouble, or your own son? Please don't take offense; it is something to think very seriously about. There's no shame in caring for yourself and your son and setting the boundaries that are healthy for you two. I think that's the right thing to do. There's enough trouble in the world without inviting it into your life and your home.

[Ginger123]

We split again but he wanted back. It lasted a week and a half, I knew it was a mistake to talk with him again.

He ended it again last night and I wont be talking to him again. I can't.

 

I did buy Christmas gifts for him; do I still give them?

 

He also bought me an expensive piece of jewellery for my birthday in November; do I return it.

 

Over the time we have been together he has done jobs on my house and he would always mention how much he has done for me. His choice I know but for some reason I feel guilty.

 

Do I give the gifts for Christmas as a thank you or just leave it.

[stockyoldfrump]

Don't give him the gifts and keep the jewelry. It was a gift. If you don't want it anymore, sell it or donate it to someone who'd appreciate it. Returning it is just a way of reestablishing contact that has thankfully died out. You should avoid any excuse to interact with him. That means no gifts, no gift returns, no texts, no cards, no e-mails, no nothing.

 

He asked for a second chance and was given one? Then he ended it a week later? He blew his chances and should be considered persona non grata.

 

Many people on this board (myself included) would kill for one more shot with an ex. The thought that he was lucky enough to get one and then willingly ended it himself a week later actually makes ME angry.

[HumanMachine]

A thank you for what? Splitting up with you?! Come on.. return them or gift them to someone more deserving and move on.

[vickyp]

I agree with the above posters. It's almost in a way your saying, " hey thanks for breaking up with me and making me not value myself" but here's a gift. Forget that. Move on.

[d0nnivain]

You take the gifts back & you keep, hock or re-gift the jewelry but you don't return it to him.

[Ginger123]

Why is life so complicated.

End of relationship and he has some of his things here still.

Me trying to do the right thing took some things round to his flat. I didn't wont to see him but he made no effort to collect clothes I assumed he would need.

Problem was the outer door of the flats was locked so I couldn't leave them outside his front door. It was late and dark so I left them under his car. That was so stupid I know because he went out and didn't see the black bag so ran over it.

I was going to text to say what I'd done but he went out before I could text.

His response was angry. He asked that I leave the rest of his things in the garage and to leave the garage open and he would pick up in the week.

Well his stuff is still there.

I don't like leaving the garage open even though it does look locked.

I really don't wont contact with him but what do I do.

[d0nnivain]

Until you sort out the logistics, you can't go NC.

 

Call him. Arrange a time for him to come get his stuff or for you to deliver it. If you really can't deal with him, get a friend or family member to go in your place but do effectuate the transfer ASAP to get it over with

[Zahara]

I read your past threads. The sooner you cut ties with him, the better. I think this is his way of stalling and keeping you on the backburner since this isn't the first time he's done it. Along with his addiction --

you have been in a toxic cycle. I would suggest you gather all his things (not sure why you only packed some of his things in a bag and returned them to him) and box it all up and mail it to his home.

 

What items are still in your home?

 

Or you text him and let him know a friend or family member will be by to hand him his things on set day/time.

 

I think both of you are using "stuff" as a lifeline.

[Ginger123]

I have sent a text to say I don't want to leave garage open indefinitely so to give me a day when he will collect. I can't deliver them myself as he said not to in his angry response. I wouldn't won't to damage the items. He has left a cutter and other tools, not too many though. He will struggle to store them as his flat is very small.

I may have to ask for assistance to get the items back to him but I didn't really wont to bother any one else but I might have to ask my son. Just worried if I touch his things he is going to say I've damaged them.

You may be right that the items keep us connected. This is why I wont them gone.

[Zahara]

I have sent a text to say I don't want to leave garage open indefinitely so to give me a day when he will collect. I can't deliver them myself as he said not to in his angry response. I wouldn't won't to damage the items. He has left a cutter and other tools, not too many though. He will struggle to store them as his flat is very small.

I may have to ask for assistance to get the items back to him but I didn't really wont to bother any one else but I might have to ask my son. Just worried if I touch his things he is going to say I've damaged them.

You may be right that the items keep us connected. This is why I wont them gone.

 

Ginger, you packed his stuff in a bag and placed it under his car. There was no real concern for items being damaged then.

 

You need to empower yourself and do what's right for you rather than proceed on his terms. If these items were important to him, he would have retrieved them.

 

If keeping the garage door unlocked bothers you, then ask him when he will be available at his home -- your son can deliver the items to him. Or box it all up and mail it to him if he does not respond.

[Ginger123]

Thanks for responding. The items I left were cloths and not too expensive but the tools are more costly. I've sent the same message as text and email so hopefully he will respond and collect.

Thanks all for the advice.

[HowToGetHimToCommit]

Hey Ginger123,

 

I'm sorry to say that he sounds like kind of a jerk.

 

I don't think you should be taking his stuff to him. I'd send him a text saying you're moving out in a week (even if you're not) and he's got till then to come round and collect them if he wants them back and after that you'll leave them outside the front of the flat to pick them up when he wants.

[Ginger123]

My son had stronger words than jerk. I don't really want to involve my son so hopefully he will collect them. Just wish it was sooner rather than later. I suspect he will leave it for some time.

I live in my own home so saying that I'm moving in a week wont hack it with him.

How to get him to up them up earlier rather than later.

Well I've sent the email etc. don't know what else I can do.

[GoreSP]

It's his responsibility to get his stuff and not yours to keep it in a safe place (especially if it endangers your property - ie leaving garage door open)

 

If he is taking too long to arrange a time to pick them up, text him you'll leave them outside and he can pick them up at his convenience. This should give him the kick in the butt he needs to get moving.

[stillafool]

I completely agree that his stuff is his responsibility and if he isn't stressed about getting it neither should you. Leave it outside and tell him if he wants it to get it. Then I would just forget about it.

[stillafool]

My son had stronger words than jerk. I don't really want to involve my son so hopefully he will collect them. Just wish it was sooner rather than later. I suspect he will leave it for some time.

I live in my own home so saying that I'm moving in a week wont hack it with him.

How to get him to up them up earlier rather than later.

Well I've sent the email etc. don't know what else I can do.

 

I'm sure if your son thinks he's a jerk he would be more than happy to help you get his stuff out of there.

[1fish2fish]

I completely agree that his stuff is his responsibility and if he isn't stressed about getting it neither should you. Leave it outside and tell him if he wants it to get it. Then I would just forget about it.

 

 

 

Absolutely!

 

His stuff is not your responsibility and it's just keeping you tied to him. He knows this.

 

It's not your problem. Put his crap outside, lay a tarp over it, send him a message telling him where it is, and then block him.

[Poutrew]

Just tell him "Pick up your crap by next Wednesday. Otherwise I will donate them to the Goodwill. " Then go NC. If he really wanted the stuff, he would have picked it up by now...so don't stress over it.

[Zahara]

Well I've sent the email etc. don't know what else I can do.

 

This is where you need to be proactive and take matters into your own hands. Based on your past threads and the constant break ups, this has been a pattern and you both use "stuff" as a lifeline -- it's a way to keep a foot in the door.

 

There's probably a part of you that wants to be passive about it because you can't fully let go or you're just not ready yet, which is likely the reason why you don't want to ruffle his feathers.

 

If you truly want to be done with this you'll do whatever it takes to sever all ties with him. Sending him an email and sitting there waiting for him to decide your fate -- try something different and this time empower yourself by making a decision for your own wellbeing.