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How can this even be possible, I need some serious answers


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 3rd January 2018, 12:27 PM   #16
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andrewimecs,
Please take my advice and stay away from this girl.

She has more baggage than a 747.

I am not a psychologist/psychiatrist but she sounds unstable to me and could have mental health issues.

To me "friends" are people who come together in a balanced "give and take" relationship with common hobbies/goals/viewpoints/lifestyles and who just enjoy each other's company. We can "agree to disagree" on topics and there is mutual trust and respect.

I don't see this in your description of your relationship ( and I use the term loosely) with this girl.

Just my 6 penneth.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 12:39 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by jjgitties View Post
In your mind you want to be her best friend. But in reality you want to be there so if she breaks up with her BF, she will come to you. But that will never happed because you don't do it for her. She will just move on and find another guy that does it for her.

So your only option is to be willing to be there as a little comfort toy for her to use and do with what she wants. That is not a best friendship relationship. Thats a one sided relationship where one person is getting all the benefits and other other is just there hanging on to nothing.
She honestly treats me like a best friend. We hangout and just be us and never lean on each other emotionally. We just are together and happy. Everyone is telling me to cut all ties but I can't really can't. She means so much to me, and we have such a strong relationship together.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 12:45 PM   #18
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andewimecs,

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She honestly treats me like a best friend. We hangout and just be us and never lean on each other emotionally. We just are together and happy. Everyone is telling me to cut all ties but I can't really can't. She means so much to me, and we have such a strong relationship together.
OK, so you don't need any more advice from people on this forum, that's good
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Old 3rd January 2018, 12:45 PM   #19
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andrewimecs,
Please take my advice and stay away from this girl.

She has more baggage than a 747.

I am not a psychologist/psychiatrist but she sounds unstable to me and could have mental health issues.

To me "friends" are people who come together in a balanced "give and take" relationship with common hobbies/goals/viewpoints/lifestyles and who just enjoy each other's company. We can "agree to disagree" on topics and there is mutual trust and respect.

I don't see this in your description of your relationship ( and I use the term loosely) with this girl.

Just my 6 penneth.
She does have mental issues and we are in a balanced give and take relationship. The way we are there for each other and things we do together are all common. We have similar goals lifestyles and always agree on things and always make each other laugh even after all this. We honestly do love each others company and I can promise you that. That is why I am not sure if listening to everyone is wise. Like i know what we have and no one else does. I just don't understand how cutting out my best friend that i deeply care about is healthy for me. Like I said yes it was disappointing not getting anything more but its such a small thing to worry about. I honestly love her friendship and everything we together as friends.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 12:58 PM   #20
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To be honest I do not care if I am a backup plan or not. I want her as a best friend. I can be content with having her. It was so much worse in the past for me and this is nothing compared to what I experienced. I love her as best friend and her giving me closure helped a lot and made me realize I can be happy with friendship. Of course at the beginning it will be a little tough but I can pull through no problem.
You can't be friends with someone if you are emotionally attached to them. "Friends" is often used and justified by those that can't and don't want to let go. "Friends" is used as a lifeline, a foot in the door because the dumpee is hoping for a change or they're just too afraid to accept reality and move on.

If you want to be friends, remove yourself from her life, heal and when you are indifferent and have completely moved on, you can then entertain the idea of "friends" because it won't emotionally hurt you anymore.

If you can be happy with a friendship, then why are you in this position?

You're in deep denial and no matter what advice you receive on LS, you'll likely walk the path of destruction because we sometimes have to learn to hard way.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 12:58 PM   #21
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She enjoys your company SO much that she went back to her ex. You’re living in a fantasy world. You’ve been cheated on before and made a fool of again. You need to change your ways.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 1:01 PM   #22
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You can't be friends with someone if you are emotionally attached to them. "Friends" is often used and justified by those that can't and don't want to let go. "Friends" is used as a lifeline, a foot in the door because the dumpee is hoping for a change or they're just too afraid to accept reality and move on.

If you want to be friends, remove yourself from her life, heal and when you are indifferent and have completely moved on, you can then entertain the idea of "friends" because it won't emotionally hurt you anymore.

If you can be happy with a friendship, then why are you in this position?

You're in deep denial and no matter what advice you receive on LS, you'll likely walk the path of destruction because we sometimes have to learn to hard way.
I will definitely take the space then, it just makes more sense then until I get my head screwed back on. I know I can be friends with her eventually but obviously right now because I am in denial. Besides she needs to miss me after all this stuff happened because its not fair to me. She needs to realize where she is at and what she had so maybe taking that space right now is wise, right?
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Old 3rd January 2018, 1:06 PM   #23
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I will definitely take the space then, it just makes more sense then until I get my head screwed back on. I know I can be friends with her eventually but obviously right now because I am in denial. Besides she needs to miss me after all this stuff happened because its not fair to me. She needs to realize where she is at and what she had so maybe taking that space right now is wise, right?
You need absolute no contact, not space. By the tone of your postings, you sound emotionally fragile and completely void of boundaries. Any type of contact is going to send you slowly down a rabbit hole.

And stop placing her on a pedestal.

There's going to come a time when you look back on this and realize that she wasn't that great. But that only comes when you believe you have better standards and values.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 1:09 PM   #24
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She honestly treats me like a best friend. We hangout and just be us and never lean on each other emotionally. We just are together and happy. Everyone is telling me to cut all ties but I can't really can't. She means so much to me, and we have such a strong relationship together.
If you had already decided that you no longer are interested in a romantic relationship with this girl but now only friendship why did you start this thread? You seem to be backtracking or am I missing something?
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Old 3rd January 2018, 1:16 PM   #25
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If you had already decided that you no longer are interested in a romantic relationship with this girl but now only friendship why did you start this thread? You seem to be backtracking or am I missing something?
I am just confused thats all not sure what i want and I guess I just need some no contact to get my head screwed back on. I want a relationship with her of course but I obviously cant have that because she wants her ex. So i need to move on and do some no contact before I talk to her again whether it is a friendship or not. By then I will decided what i really want.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 1:19 PM   #26
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You need absolute no contact, not space. By the tone of your postings, you sound emotionally fragile and completely void of boundaries. Any type of contact is going to send you slowly down a rabbit hole.

And stop placing her on a pedestal.

There's going to come a time when you look back on this and realize that she wasn't that great. But that only comes when you believe you have better standards and values.
Ya no contact is a good idea, how long would I need to do no contact for? Should I make that decision? Also I am not sure if you know anything about snap chat but if she sends me a snap should I look at it even if it is on her story or should I really do nothing at all.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 1:30 PM   #27
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Ya no contact is a good idea, how long would I need to do no contact for? Should I make that decision? Also I am not sure if you know anything about snap chat but if she sends me a snap should I look at it even if it is on her story or should I really do nothing at all.
Indefinitely. You go no contact until you find indifference. Until you've moved on from her.

No contact is a tool to help you heal. If you want to heal and move on, then you implement a block on every access you have to her/she to you. If you want to sit on the sidelines and be manipulated and dragged through hurt, then stay accessible.

You're not getting it. She is not interested in you. You are an emotional and mental crutch to her. At the end of the day, she is choosing her ex. You can project your feelings on her and the value of what you believe you have in her and your relationship with her, unfortunately she does not feel the same way.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 1:47 PM   #28
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Indefinitely. You go no contact until you find indifference. Until you've moved on from her.

No contact is a tool to help you heal. If you want to heal and move on, then you implement a block on every access you have to her/she to you. If you want to sit on the sidelines and be manipulated and dragged through hurt, then stay accessible.

You're not getting it. She is not interested in you. You are an emotional and mental crutch to her. At the end of the day, she is choosing her ex. You can project your feelings on her and the value of what you believe you have in her and your relationship with her, unfortunately she does not feel the same way.
I totally understand that and I know no contact will help myself heal from wanting that relationship with her. But I also want to do no contact to help realize that a relationship with her is not good. I want it as a tool to strengthen and heal of course but one thing i will say is that there is no possible way for myself to not be friends with her because of what I been through with her before the relationship. This is the only difference. No one will understand what we were before this relationship. We were everything to each other best of friends not a person in site could separate us and I still want that. I still want her friendship and if I can have that and go back to normal I would be extremely happy. She wants it to go back to normal and so do I.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 1:55 PM   #29
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I totally understand that and I know no contact will help myself heal from wanting that relationship with her. But I also want to do no contact to help realize that a relationship with her is not good. I want it as a tool to strengthen and heal of course but one thing i will say is that there is no possible way for myself to not be friends with her because of what I been through with her before the relationship. This is the only difference. No one will understand what we were before this relationship. We were everything to each other best of friends not a person in site could separate us and I still want that. I still want her friendship and if I can have that and go back to normal I would be extremely happy. She wants it to go back to normal and so do I.
You were friends with her mid May to November. That's a 6 month friendship. Don't magnify what you had with her at the expense of your self-worth. I believe that you are likely idealizing what you had with her because that justifies your need to hold on. No "friendship" is worth losing yourself.

The moment you chose to cross the lines of friendship, the dynamic changed. You can't go back. You can't have what you had. She could because she has little emotional investment in you. Her heart is with her ex.

You accept that reverting to what you were is impossible because there are emotions involved. If you want a friendship back, you have to go absolute no contact and stay there till you find your indifference. And I bet when you get there, she's not going to be as shiny as you make her out to be.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 2:01 PM   #30
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I suggest you go back and read all your other threads. At some point you need to find acceptance and move on. Most importantly, you need to work on your self-esteem.
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