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Do I even deserve my new boyfriend? Feeling so guilty.


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I have been with my BF for about 4 months now. I broke up with my ex almost a year ago after a 2 year relationship. My BF is an incredible man - he makes me laugh, he is considerate, attractive, extremely smart, and gets along with my friends and family. Looking at my relationship with him, I realize that the past 4 months with him has been better than my entire 2 year relationship with my ex (filled with drama and games).

 

The problem is that I still get upset when I see my ex with his new GF. It's not even that I want him back - it just hurts for some reason. I hardly see them in person but I see them all the time on social media. And if I was single I would just accept my feelings and let them fade. But since I am with someone new, the feeling of guilt is overwhelming me. I love my new boyfriend and care for him so much, and although I would never tell him about how this affects me, having these feelings make me feel undeserving of him. I know I would be devastated if he felt this way about his ex. Am I just some idiot who can't get over the ******* guy and see the amazing man in front of me?

 

Any advice at all would be really helpful. I know that I should focus on the present and let go of the past. I don't wish my ex to be miserable, and I know that he and his new GF deserve to be happy. I just wish that I could let go completely.

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I might not be able to offer much advice because I'm in a similar situation. Love my new man, don't want my ex back but still feel bad about my old relationship (and I miss my bad boy ex sometimes..).

 

What I did do was cut all contact, in real life and social media. It's good to wish your ex the best, but that doesn't mean you have to be reminded of his existence all the time. Especially on social media it's quite easy to avoid an ex.

 

Try to enjoy the little moments with you current bf and think of them when your mind wanders. But really avoid him as much as you can though. No need to have him around anywhere.

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HumanMachine

How about showing some respect to your new partner and removing your ex from social media?

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How about showing some respect to your new partner and removing your ex from social media?

 

I removed him a long time ago. Blocked his number, all social media. We have many mutual friends and they often post photos of him and her when they are together.

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I removed him a long time ago. Blocked his number, all social media. We have many mutual friends and they often post photos of him and her when they are together.

 

Ah, well that makes it tricky. Are the mutual friends very close to you? Do they know how you feel?

 

Have you considered telling them how the posts make you feel and asking them to block you from seeing them? It's a totally reasonable request on your part.

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Ah, well that makes it tricky. Are the mutual friends very close to you? Do they know how you feel?

 

Have you considered telling them how the posts make you feel and asking them to block you from seeing them? It's a totally reasonable request on your part.

 

 

A few of them are very close to me. However, they do not know how I feel. After the breakup him and I were very mature and kept everything civil. I have never said anything about him and his new girlfriend and he has never commented on my relationship either. Unfortunately, these posts are on instagram, which does not have an option to block me from seeing them without removing me. I'm starting to believe the only way to avoid this feeling is to stop using social media.. :(

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A social media free life is a good life :cool:

 

I'm starting to think so too.. but as a 20 year old girl I have to admit it won't be easy :lmao:

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I'm starting to think so too.. but as a 20 year old girl I have to admit it won't be easy :lmao:

 

I’m a 25 yo male, deleted all social media 4 years ago after my long term relationship broke down. Haven’t looked back, much better ways to spend your time than looking at someone else’s dinner. ;)

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No, just stop using the social media which you find bothersome. And make sure to tell your friends why you made the decision.

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I think you need to find a way to talk to your current boyfriend about this. What you are describing is nothing to feel guilty about—it's just being a human with a complicated past and emotions, and you should be accepted for this. If you don't talk to him about it you're not showing him the full you, and without that it's going to be hard to sustain a rich and rewarding relationship in the long run.

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It honestly sounds to me like you still have some lingering feelings for the ex. Why did you end it if you don't mind me asking?

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How long after the breakup with the 2 year relationship did you get in a relationship with the new guy?

 

I met him previously through my best friend, but we did not start dating until 8-9 months after my ex.

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It honestly sounds to me like you still have some lingering feelings for the ex. Why did you end it if you don't mind me asking?

 

I don't think I do, or at least if I do it's nothing compared to how strongly I used to feel. I ended it because I no longer saw a future with him. In the last months of our relationship I was very unhappy. Once we broke up he did try to get me back on multiple occasions, and I rejected them. I tried to get him back once as well but then realized it was a mistake and decided to go no contact.

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I don't think I do, or at least if I do it's nothing compared to how strongly I used to feel. I ended it because I no longer saw a future with him. In the last months of our relationship I was very unhappy. Once we broke up he did try to get me back on multiple occasions, and I rejected them. I tried to get him back once as well but then realized it was a mistake and decided to go no contact.

 

Hmm. It just doesn't make sense to me that instead of being happy for him instead you feel some sadness about him having another girlfriend and moving on. Usually that means deep down you're hoping things will rekindle in the future, but if you say otherwise then I'll take your word for it...

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I met him previously through my best friend, but we did not start dating until 8-9 months after my ex.

 

You mentioned that you tried to get him back in the past. How long after the breakup was that?

 

I'm turning over ground to see if the seed was planted deep enough with the new guy. The feelings you are feeling are somewhat normal, but the fact you admit that you feel guilty toward the new guy for feeling the way you do indicates that there are some unresolved feelings regarding the ex. Depending on how deep those feeling are toward the ex, you may run up against the "truth bubbling up" as they say and realize that the new guy may have been something to deflect your feelings that still remained for your ex.

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Can you quietly unfollow your mutual friends on social media? With FB, you can remain friends but unfollow a person, so you don't see what they post unless you search for their profile. Otherwise, I would suggest you minimize the time you spend on social media.

 

As to feeling guilty, I understand why you would feel that way, but I don't think it's really a logical way to feel. Of course, our emotions aren't logical, but what I mean is that it's normal to have some feelings for an ex. Social media can play tricks on you though, and it's very unhealthy to spend a lot of time on social media. As you can see, social media is the reason you feel the way you do. Remove social media from the equation, and everything changes.

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You mentioned that you tried to get him back in the past. How long after the breakup was that?

 

I'm turning over ground to see if the seed was planted deep enough with the new guy. The feelings you are feeling are somewhat normal, but the fact you admit that you feel guilty toward the new guy for feeling the way you do indicates that there are some unresolved feelings regarding the ex. Depending on how deep those feeling are toward the ex, you may run up against the "truth bubbling up" as they say and realize that the new guy may have been something to deflect your feelings that still remained for your ex.

 

It was about 3 weeks after the breakup. I can see your point in saying that I have some unresolved feelings towards my ex, but I'm starting to think that I only get upset about it because his new GF was a friend of mine previously.

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It was about 3 weeks after the breakup. I can see your point in saying that I have some unresolved feelings towards my ex, but I'm starting to think that I only get upset about it because his new GF was a friend of mine previously.

 

Okay now we are getting somewhere. :-)

 

Yes it would sting because she was a friend of yours, but if you were truly over your ex it really wouldn't matter to you. There are some lingering feelings there. Jealousy is a pathway from anger which is a pathway from caring.

 

The good news is that you recognize that your guilt toward your current boyfriend is troubling and it tells me that you are not yet 100% invested though you want to be.

 

Now the dirty work starts on your part. You can either remove any and all indications of your ex and focus completely on what you have now, or you can ride the waves of what you are feeling and remain somewhat attached to him through social media etc. It's not an easy ride.

 

What I would do if I were you is do some reflecting within yourself to see where you truly are within yourself. What you are feeling is somewhat normal, but you are still invested emotionally with your ex and that may cause an issue or two in the future...

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Okay now we are getting somewhere. :-)

 

Yes it would sting because she was a friend of yours, but if you were truly over your ex it really wouldn't matter to you. There are some lingering feelings there. Jealousy is a pathway from anger which is a pathway from caring.

 

The good news is that you recognize that your guilt toward your current boyfriend is troubling and it tells me that you are not yet 100% invested though you want to be.

 

Now the dirty work starts on your part. You can either remove any and all indications of your ex and focus completely on what you have now, or you can ride the waves of what you are feeling and remain somewhat attached to him through social media etc. It's not an easy ride.

 

What I would do if I were you is do some reflecting within yourself to see where you truly are within yourself. What you are feeling is somewhat normal, but you are still invested emotionally with your ex and that may cause an issue or two in the future...

 

Your comment about wanting to be 100% invested but not being able to definitely hit the nail on the head. I am very happy in my current relationship and am willing to do whatever it takes to forget the past and be completely in the moment.

 

I think I will do my best to stay off social media for now. My ex also approaches me frequently when we are out at the same club, so I will probably stop going out as well. With the holidays it's been difficult since we go to the same parties with mutual friends.

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