Narcissist breakup

[AT575]

New to this site and this is a long one....

 

I’m 34. Have a great job and great support system.5 years ago I met a man. Fell head over heels. We dated for 6 months when he abruptly ended things with me to start dating a woman ten years younger than us. I was devastated. He was with her for theee years. But throughout their relationship he cheated on her several Times with me and would tell me he made a mistake and should have never left me. I had enough as is was too much for me to handle and told him to not contact me unless he was ready to commit to me and leave his current situation. We did not speak for a year.

 

During the year of no contact I met someone. A very kind man who genuinely loves and adores me. As great as he is I’ve never stopped thinking about the other guy. A year into my relationship with the new guy I hear from the other guy via email. Saying he misses me, he’s single and he made a mistake and wants to meet. Despite my better judgement I meet him.

 

As soon as I see him all my feelings came rushing back and before I know it we’re involved in a year and a half long affair which I know is terrible. But my heart couldn’t help what it wanted which was him. It’s always been him. He tells me I know him better than anyone, that I’m his best friend, that he can’t picture having children with anyone besides me... we hang out as much as we possibly can. however, he isn’t ready for me to leave my boyfriend. Everything is on his terms, when we hang out, where we hangout, what we do for an activity.

 

Over the summer I notice he starts getting a bit distant and I start catching him in lies like when he should be out of town for work only to find out he is really in town. One day I go over to his house to drop off some stuff and I see another woman’s stuff in the front entry of his house. I lost it. I’m close with his sister in law so I go over to her house where she tells me she loves me and can’t see him lying and treating me terribly anymore. She tells me he’s been seeing another woman and not telling me for six months. I was devastated.

 

I cut off contact right then and there. But three days later he called me and blew up my phone. I agreed to meet him. We talked and he said how sorry he was, how he was unsure of his feelings for me, that they’ve changed but that his gut knows we should be together and he can’t lose me. He asks me to go on a family getaway for a fresh start. I agree to go and think maybe I can let go of everything and this can be good for us. I get Christmas presents for his whole family and am over the moon excited. Two days before we are supposed to leave he sends me a text saying he’s thought a lot about it and doesn’t want me to go on the trip. Saying it’s no big deal, it’s just a weekend getaway and he’s really sorry. I was so upset and mad. I didn’t message him back. I gave myself a few days to cool off. I messaged him a few days after the trip saying I have no idea where his head is at and asking if we could talk. Nothing. No reply, no response. Nothing. This was two and a half weeks ago. I didn’t message him on Christmas and I didn’t head from him either.

 

I am having a very hard time with this. I feel betrayed, hurt and lied to. I want to hear from him and know where his head is at or an explanation. Any insight would be great.

[HumanMachine]

Looks like karma paid you a visit!

[AT575]

Thanks.... not the support I was looking for but thanks...

[MarkTorr]

That was a harsh reply...I know it is hard, you think he is the one, maybe he is. Don't beat yourself up. You sound like you have a lot going for you. I know how frustrated you must be, I hope you find the answers and happiness and peace.

[CantTakeMySmile]

So, you never said anything about him not wanting you to go on the trip? And you just texted once a few weeks ago?

 

 

 

 

 

 

That is much better than I reacted when I was ghosted. Sounds like you are starting to see reality and moving on.

What I don't understand is why you haven't broken up with your boyfriend?

[HumanMachine]

That was a harsh reply...I know it is hard, you think he is the one, maybe he is. Don't beat yourself up. You sound like you have a lot going for you. I know how frustrated you must be, I hope you find the answers and happiness and peace.

 

Did you miss the part where she cheated/is cheating on her very kind boyfriend who genuinely loves and adores her?

[AT575]

I have broken up with the boyfriend. I did a few months ago. When he got back from the weeekend away I texted him asking to talk. I called twice. Nothing. The next day I I texted saying hey can we talk. And radio silence since then. That was two and a half weeks ago

[CantTakeMySmile]

I think ghosting is one coward move!

[AT575]

Yes I am having a very hard time with it. Two and a half weeks no contact. I was thinking of reaching out again but I don’t want to be disappointment if he doesn’t answer

[CantTakeMySmile]

Yes I am having a very hard time with it. Two and a half weeks no contact. I was thinking of reaching out again but I don’t want to be disappointment if he doesn’t answer

 

I understand. I am having a hard time with it as well. I don't reach out because I know how much it hurts to not get a reply.

[AT575]

It’s awful. I really thought I would hear from him yesterday being Christmas and all. The last message he sent me I really didn’t think would be the last I heard from him.

[1fish2fish]

He's shown you his true colors. Twice.

 

Time to remove him permanently from your life.

 

He says all the words you want to hear in order to keep you on his leash. His actions have shown you something completely different.

 

He has NOT changed.

 

He WILL not change.

[Buriall]

Op you have cheated on the guy who loved you. Perhaps you used this guy to fill a void, however this guy did nothing to deserve the pain he must be going through.

 

You should Not play with people's hearts. How the fck would you feel if he did what youve done to him?? I would the same and ignore you like you don't exist.. Leave the poor guy alone it's obvious he doesn't want to talk..

 

You have to look at your own actions and stop blaming everybody else.. And most importantly don't fck around with people who genuinely love you because in the end you are going to need them..

[AT575]

I broke up with my boyfriend to be with the other guy. The guy I broke up with knows everything and we are still friends.

[AT575]

He's shown you his true colors. Twice.

 

Time to remove him permanently from your life.

 

He says all the words you want to hear in order to keep you on his leash. His actions have shown you something completely different.

 

He has NOT changed.

 

He WILL not change.

I know.. it’s hard. I would like some closure but know I am going to have to find it within.

[divegrl]

Hey my friend. I’m so sorry for what has happened.

 

Plz do not try to seek an explanation from this man, he is broken. He is not capable of empathy and certainly does not respect you.

 

You must cut contact and block. That is the only way to heal. You have been abused, and it will likely take a while. If he truly has NPD, then he would follow the cycle of idolize, devalue and discard. Which from your post, seems has happened several times now.

 

Hugs.

[magnesium]

I know.. it’s hard. I would like some closure but know I am going to have to find it within.

 

It is hard, but not for the reason you think. You are addicted to the narcissist, similar to how a drug addict needs to use. This example is more true than you think. The brain physiology behind a drug addiction, and the brain physiology of an addiction to a narcissist are similar. If I was too explain this "drug addiction" analogy in more detail, it's because you have been conditioned by the narcissist "sweet-and-mean" cycle (i.e, you love it when he treats you well, and then he abuses you). This causes cognitive dissonance and confuses the heck out of your brain.

 

You will never get closure from the narcissist. He will play you for the rest of your life if you allow it.

 

As for your other boyfriend, I think he has some stuff (i.e. issues) he needs to work out for himself too because you might be toxic for him, and he can't see that.

 

I'm just spit-balling as I don't know the full story, but ideally you should go NO CONTACT with the narc forever, and work on yourself.

[AT575]

Thank you for you words. I know that’s what I need to do. I’m now on week two of no contact. I’ve not looked at any social media or anything but today is hard. I feel not good enough, I feel sad and I wish I could talk to him. But he hasn’t contacted me for three weeks now. I feel stupid.

[MarkTorr]

Girl, you are not alone. I know it's not any comfort but men can feel the same pain. It is hard not to look, when you love someone.

[AT575]

Girl, you are not alone. I know it's not any comfort but men can feel the same pain. It is hard not to look, when you love someone.

It’s so hard. But if I look and see something that is going to upset me it will just make it harder. I’ve avoided looking at her social media as well as his. I really want to call him or reach out but two weeks ago when I did he didn’t reply. I don’t want to feel rejected again.

[magnesium]

Thank you for you words. I know that’s what I need to do. I’m now on week two of no contact. I’ve not looked at any social media or anything but today is hard. I feel not good enough, I feel sad and I wish I could talk to him. But he hasn’t contacted me for three weeks now. I feel stupid.

 

Congratulations on beginning NO CONTACT. You will feel lots of painful emotions, and it might take time, but you will get over it. I speak from first-hand experience.

 

You need to know, a narcissist will hoover their target when they haven't heard from them for a while. The narcissist will say all the right things to "win" you back. However, everything that comes out of the narc's mouth will be a lie, for they can never change. Not only that, but once the narcissist gets their victim back, the narc will punish their victim for trying to leave in the first place.

 

This all stems from the narcissist's need for POWER and CONTROL over their target. This is how they control their world, how they control their self-image, it's how to control everything. Narcissist's cant change because their entire personality and character comes from defence mechanisms, they are reactive; they also deny feelings like guilt, shame, regret, etc. They view empathy as weakness too. The reason they can lie so easily is because in their jaded world, they aren't lying (i.e. their self-defence mechanisms will twist stories and events where they are the victim, not you).

 

This is why you can never allow this narcissist back into your life. You are not alone in going through the narcissist sh**-show, many have gone through it, and it is confusing crazy-making at it's worst.

 

I hope some of this makes sense and helps along your path of healing.

[AT575]

Congratulations on beginning NO CONTACT. You will feel lots of painful emotions, and it might take time, but you will get over it. I speak from first-hand experience.

 

You need to know, a narcissist will hoover their target when they haven't heard from them for a while. The narcissist will say all the right things to "win" you back. However, everything that comes out of the narc's mouth will be a lie, for they can never change. Not only that, but once the narcissist gets their victim back, the narc will punish their victim for trying to leave in the first place.

 

This all stems from the narcissist's need for POWER and CONTROL over their target. This is how they control their world, how they control their self-image, it's how to control everything. Narcissist's cant change because their entire personality and character comes from defence mechanisms, they are reactive; they also deny feelings like guilt, shame, regret, etc. They view empathy as weakness too. The reason they can lie so easily is because in their jaded world, they aren't lying (i.e. their self-defence mechanisms will twist stories and events where they are the victim, not you).

 

This is why you can never allow this narcissist back into your life. You are not alone in going through the narcissist sh**-show, many have gone through it, and it is confusing crazy-making at it's worst.

 

I hope some of this makes sense and helps along your path of healing.

 

Well I was sticking to no contact and tonight I caved. I called him

And left him a voicemail. I am so mad at myself. Back to

Square one...

[magnesium]

Well I was sticking to no contact and tonight I caved. I called him

And left him a voicemail. I am so mad at myself. Back to

Square one...

 

If it makes you feel better, I heard that it takes an average of 7 times for people to finally actually stick to NO CONTACT once and for all after a narcissistic relationship.

 

Also, the new woman that the narcissist is seeing is not the "lucky" one. You know that she is with a monster. The narcissist is using social media to dazzle everyone with how awesome his life is with his new girlfriend (ie. Supply). The new girlfriend is in the love-bomb stage of the relationship. Eventually, once the fairy-tale is over, the narcissist will then begin the devalue phase (the subtle, covert, crazy-making abuse), and then he will discard her (ie, get rid of her and find another girlfriend), and the narcissist will begin this cycle over and over again.

 

Don't be fooled, the narcissist is probably already lining up new victims behind his girlfriend's back.

 

Let's go back to the fact you left him a voice message. The narcissist will get a rush out of this, because this is how he knows he still has his hooks in you. With the knowledge, the narcissist can further abuse you in cunning ways. He may not respond, or if he does, he will respond in some unpredictable way, which will not be too your benefit. Never forget the narcissist craves POWER and CONTROL. He also craves SIGNIFICANCE, and you leaving that voicemail will make him feel important. He actually creates his fake identity this way.

 

Please remember the drug addiction analogy I told you earlier. It's not your fault you slipped, but do not give up. The love you have for him is NOT NORMAL love; it is pathological, and it may even be codependency.

 

As you said, start back at Square one and try again. Delete his number, don't respond to anything, get rid of him on all social media, etc. This is hard work, but if you want a good life, only you can take charge here.

[AT575]

I am so mad at myself. I was 14 days and now I’m

Back to square one. He couldn’t even give me the respect to tell me he doesn’t want to talk to me. Just ghosted completely. I did so much for that man. I have started therapy and I hope that helps

[magnesium]

 

Click that link now. It's a live narcissistic abuse support channel on youtube. It's not clickbait, I promise. It's a youtube channel called ThriveAfterAbuse.