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overcoming negativity from breakup **Update**


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Hello everyone, hope you're having a great holiday.

 

For the past year, I was in 2 horrible relationships and one worse fling. This was a pattern so I decided to take some action and I have been staying away from dating (planning on doing so the next year), quit smoking, went on a meditation retreat, and reading alot.

 

I understand you teach people how to hurt you and I did get over alot. Don't get me wrong, I also take complete responsibility for some of my behavior (taking disrespect, being too forgiving, etc). For some reason I can't get over the disrespect and humiliation my last fling did to me. He called me names, ignoring me in public like im the plague, and was making fun of me with his friends when he saw me.

 

I have blocked and deleted him everywhere and I am proud of myself for recognizing I have a problem and working on improving myself but for some reason, this is the only roadblock I have to my progress and our help/opinion would be appreciated.

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Are you seeing a therapist? I am. It is helping me to have someone objective to speak to and getting some insightful guidance that I need right now. I have discovered things about myself and my past relationship which has made me stronger in so many ways. Part of it is to hold oneself responsible, but part of it is also to learn to forgive oneself, learn and grow.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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I live in the Middle East and I tried that, but unfortunately there are things I can speak about freely, like one night stands etc. These are also things I cant speak with my family about.

 

This is the only thing I cant get over with. I still remember when I was walking past them and they were laughing at me every day.

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Everyone has their own issues and I don't want to bother them over and over again. I have done alot of progress but I'm even worried to go out again incase I see them again.

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Hello everyone, hope you're having a great holiday.

 

For the past year, I was in 2 horrible relationships and one worse fling. This was a pattern so I decided to take some action and I have been staying away from dating (planning on doing so the next year), quit smoking, went on a meditation retreat, and reading alot.

 

I understand you teach people how to hurt you and I did get over alot. Don't get me wrong, I also take complete responsibility for some of my behavior (taking disrespect, being too forgiving, etc). For some reason I can't get over the disrespect and humiliation my last fling did to me. He called me names, ignoring me in public like im the plague, and was making fun of me with his friends when he saw me.

 

I have blocked and deleted him everywhere and I am proud of myself for recognizing I have a problem and working on improving myself but for some reason, this is the only roadblock I have to my progress and our help/opinion would be appreciated.

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To make the story short:

 

Dated a guy for a while, he turned out to be a complete douche, and I blocked him everywhere on social media. He doesnt care and i dont expect him to.

 

I saw him last weekend and he was sitting on a table with his friends and they all proceeded to stare at me and laugh. They were clearly making fun of me. I am now too scared to go anywhere incase I see him and his friends again. Ofcourse he probably told them about our time in bed and I wont be surprised if he made up some stories.

 

help.

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Please do not let these immature little boys prevent you from doing the things you enjoy. Don't give them that satisfaction of knowing they have the power to bring you down.

 

Gather your dignity, believe in your self worth and go live your life. If they laugh, smile and carry on with your bad*ss self. Rise above the bs.

 

Believe in yourself and let your self confidence shine. Fake it until you make it if you have to. :)

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Thank you for you beautiful reply.

 

that's exactly what I did, but it really hurt me that things would become THIS bad. He also told a common friend that apparently I begged him to sleepover, which isnt true at all.

 

What upsets the most is that I let him get away with being completely disrespectful to me just because I really liked him. I take responsibility for my actions which makes this even worse to me because I inflicted it on myself.

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Thank you for you beautiful reply.

 

that's exactly what I did, but it really hurt me that things would become THIS bad. He also told a common friend that apparently I begged him to sleepover, which isnt true at all.

 

What upsets the most is that I let him get away with being completely disrespectful to me just because I really liked him. I take responsibility for my actions which makes this even worse to me because I inflicted it on myself.

 

First - forgive yourself for whatever mistakes you did make. And then be proud that you have the self awareness to see them as mistakes. Self awareness is the foundation of self worth. Great job!

 

Secondly - try not to defend yourself to these losers. Fine - let them spread lies about you. You know the truth. They will tire of it eventually, especially when they see they're not getting a reaction out of you. Easier said than done, I know, but the less you give in to the need to defend yourself, the stronger you will become.

 

Believe in yourself!

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First - forgive yourself for whatever mistakes you did make. And then be proud that you have the self awareness to see them as mistakes. Self awareness is the foundation of self worth. Great job!

 

Secondly - try not to defend yourself to these losers. Fine - let them spread lies about you. You know the truth. They will tire of it eventually, especially when they see they're not getting a reaction out of you. Easier said than done, I know, but the less you give in to the need to defend yourself, the stronger you will become.

 

Believe in yourself!

 

Thank you, I have been taking a break from dating and working on my self worth and development so this means alot to me.

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I can understand why you would feel upset because you think these guys were laughing at you. They are bullies. In a group it's easier for them to be insensitive.

 

I think I read that you are in the Middle East. I imagine that being in such a misogynistic culture isn't helping. Any chance you can go live & work some place more . . . I don't know . . . open / Western?

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is hold your head high & act like it doesn't affect you. Don't seek them out but if you do see them, square your shoulders & carry on. Even if you have to duck into a ladies room & cry never let them see that they have effected you.

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They're western, which is the reason why I was attracted to him in the first place. Not that he's western, but I thought he would be more open minded,

 

Thank you for our advice

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Western guys can have pretty misogynistic attitudes too, and there is a chance that ones who choose to live in the middle east are doing so because they're drawn to that aspect of the culture. Basically, jerks can be found and can be from anywhere. Time will tell when you meet someone who they are as a person, and it's harder to use stereotypes and assumptions to filter people out for that reason.

 

Anyway, 1fish is right, you should think about why you can't forgive yourself, what fears you feel and why you're focusing on taking them out on yourself (in a manner of speaking).

 

And guys who are willing to do what they're doing to you are either very mean or very insecure. It has NOTHING to do with you. They'd be doing the same to any woman. Think of how sad this guy's life must be that, to feel accepted, he'd lie about a woman he was with to other men. That means he does not feel he brings enough interesting to the table as his own person to be worthy of friendship with these jerks. He has to introduce a "common enemy" so to speak to bond with them, who they then all want to bully to feel good about themselves.

 

This is not your fault. It is also not something you can fix. All you can do is recognize your self worth is greater than caring about what they think, and ignore them and don't let them intimidate you. Yes, right now being around them makes you feel anxiety, but you're stronger than just letting some guys push you around by laughing at you. Build up your own life, keep working on things that make you proud of yourself, and their opinions will mean less and less.

 

You don't think their bullying would escalate to be physical, right? They're just cowards, keeping at a distance, laughing at the idea of upsetting you, and going out doesn't put you in any physical danger?

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No, it would never escalate to physical. Atleast I dont think so.

 

I have constantly suffered from severe anxiety and my pattern in men has indicated that I have issues, especially abandonment issues. This is why I decided to end this year by working on myself. I quit smoking, started meditating, exercise, and staying away from men completely.

 

The reason I cant forgive myself is that the last conversation we had he completely humiliated me before I blocked. He called me a b**itch and other things and I let him, because I thought he was talking to me because he misses me. This is how pathetic I was.

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That's great that you have been so self-aware and are doing this work! I know mental health care is very stigmatized in some cultures, and it's hard to seek professional treatment as a result, but hopefully you can find some good resources online or in books with tactics to cope with anxiety.

 

As to the last time you spoke with this guy, you made a mistake. It happens, and revealed that how emotionally abusive he is won't change. You have a solid answer and can walk away without wondering.

 

This can happen to anyone. In fact, I made this kind of mistake just a few months ago (in the US). I agreed to try to be friends with a guy I dated for only a short period of time. He ended things due to "timing" but asked me to stay in his life. I saw him twice after that. The first time was a little weird but okay. The second time, he'd asked me for help with something then almost stood me up completely. After I made myself available for two hours, I finally tracked him down, only to find him drunk and hostile! After his initial unloading on me, he asked me to sit down so he could buy me a drink. I thought this was because he was going to take a breath and apologize. Nope... he continued to say terrible things, criticizing me and making personal attacks. This made me realize I was wrong, and he didn't care about me at all! I was so confused and disappointed, that after I left, I had an anxiety attack.

 

I felt like such an idiot for seeing him at all that night instead of just cutting him off, and moreso that I fully heard him out before I finally left. I sat with what happened for about a day, and then I realized okay. I made a mistake because I didn't know he was that way and had chosen to give him the benefit of the doubt. Yet then he suddenly became so mean, even belittling me for being a "good person" who had shown up to do the favor he asked for... that's the mindset of someone with a lot of problems. I did nothing to deserve to be treated that way, and all I could do since I hadn't walked away immediately when he spoke to me so disrespectfully was make sure it didn't happen again -- I never want to give him the chance to speak to me that way again. I deleted him from social media, blocked him, and we've never spoken again. It's been nothing but a relief, if it even crosses my mind at all, because I don't need that kind of trash and negativity in my life. And really, I do pity him a little because he's clearly a miserable and unhappy person. But, also not my problem!

 

Forgive yourself. You've cut out your loser, so don't pine, just do better for yourself. It will make you happier and stronger, and a nice side benefit is that it's the best revenge!

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  • 3 weeks later...
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The reason I am writing this is because I'm done with being miserable. I've been doing nothing but cry for the past 4 months but this has to stop. I am starting to plan a 6 months trip to South America and just enjoy every day as if it is the last.

 

To make the story VERY short. I met an amazing guy in summer and we ended up spending it together. We slept together and he treated me like a princess. Maybe the reason I fell in love so quick was because noone has treated me like that before. He ends up leaving, doesnt text me at all and only likes my things on social media. I see him in town with his friends, he ignores me and turns the other way around. I lie to myself and say it is no way that's him. He contacts me a week later, calls me names and makes rude comments about my country.

 

I end up blocking him everywhere and since then,I have been a complete mess. How can someone be so cruel? why would anyone use another person like that? I understand just wanting to spend time, but acting and then humiliating me like that?

 

For the past four months, Ive been thinking about him and crying every day, but today I am DONE! I'll start meditating again, going out with friends, reading, etc. I believe I will get better one day. I just miss him...and I dont understand why I would miss or still love someone who humiliated me like that.

 

Thank you for reading and any words of encouragement would mean alot to me.

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Happy Lemming

I think the trip is a good idea... A change of scenery sounds great!!

 

I am so sorry you are going through this.

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Thank you, I think the part that hurts me the most is the cruelty he showed me afterwards.

 

I think there is an adult way to say "good bye" to someone and cruelty, name calling and purposely trying to hurt them should never enter the picture.

 

I wish I had an answer as to why people do what they do, but I don't.

 

If nothing else, maybe someone will read your post and think twice about how they say "good bye" to their significant other. Maybe attempt to let them down easy and be kinder.

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Happy Lemming
I feel paralyzed at times. I have never been through anything like this in my life.

 

Have you thought about moving to another city or town??

 

I've been nomadic all of my life and I really enjoy the process of packing up my life, throwing things away and going to someplace new. It is very cleansing!

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Hey Nadine123,

 

Lets see if I can shed some light for you. I took some time to read the posts on this thread but I was wondering if there was another thread you made which you posted details about describing the nature of this relationship? If not, make your story long for me. The more information I have, the more likely I can be of use to you. Tell me about how your relationship was while you two dated. How was he in the relationship? Did he do sweet things? Did he say sweet things? Is he living there or staying for a temporary period of time? Was he on and off or consisting in his behavior? How long was the relationship? How did it end? How did it go from beautiful to ugly? Was there fights? Did the end feel like it came out of nowhere or did you notice changes? Things like that. Go ahead and let loose if you are comfortable to do so.

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