Hot and cold ex. Now very cold.

[Bmxboy]

Hi guys,

 

This is gonna be a long one. My ex broke up with me in early October, the reason being she felt like watching porn was cheating and she found some on my PC. We had dated for a year and a half and this stage

 

Initially I was fine, during the relationship I used to lie beside her and think how she wasn't the one for me, we disagreed on almost everything, constant fights etc. So initially I was fine. We kept in touch and after a night out she text me telling she had kissed two guys. I was devastated. I was doing fine but couldn't see myself with others and the fact she did that turned my stomach

 

Fast forward a week or two and we agree to meet up. She sleeps with me. A couple of days later she tells me she didn't jutst kiss one of those guys but slept with one and didn't tell me before she slept with me. Again, devastated but we just keep hanging out and seeing each other. She says doesn't want me back but doesn't want to stop seeing me. I can't say no to that and I keep seeing her.

 

So fast forward to December, I agree to meet for coffee, right before I see her I see the guy she was with, so I'm in a crap mood when I see her. She says I'm such a downer when I see her now so I just leave.

 

We agree not to talk anymore. I was drunk the following Friday, we were both at Xmas parties. I called her, I dunno why. She texted me on Sunday, asking could she be unblocked on Instagram so she can stalk me. She also says let's meet up in 6 weeks and she how we feel. This is important.

 

For the following week then she sent me relationship memes, drunk text me wishing she was staying in mine and text me all day the following day after the drunk text.

 

I ask her why she is doing that and she said she can't control drunk texts but it won't happen again, I ask about the 6 week thing and she said to be honest this is over for her.

 

I was so confused the past few days, not talking at all but wondering why she proposed the 6 week thing then took it away within a few days.

 

I was weak yesterday and I called her. She told me it is definitely over for her, she actually kissed a new guy from work at her Xmas party and will be going on a date this Thursday with him. She told me she's better single and doesn't want a relationship at all (then why date?)

 

So now I'm just so so so confused. When we first broke up I suggested going no contact immediately but I stuck around for her. She used that time we were still seeing each other to get over me and move on and now I'm left with nothing. What I really don't understand is, she kissed the guy at her party, suggested the 6 week plan, made it obvious she missed me, drunk text me and continued to text the following day but the next day it's over for her and that's it.

 

So many thoughts of, I wonder if hes better than me, a better kisser, better lover, more handsome, stronger. Even though I know we were not right at all, she made me miserable. It hurts because she pulled the trigger first I think, it hurts to be gotten over so fast and it's confusing being manipulated into thinking you have a chance when you don't.

 

I also really regret showing weakness yesterday and crying down the phone to her. To be honest, hearing her moving on with someone else has made me think well F her, we weren't right, she made me miserable and now I can just forget her and find someone better, or just be on my own. But I really don't like that I showed weakness, because I know even though she has just last week, she won't do it again because she has the new guy. The ball was in her court but now I can't even see the ball.

 

What should I do to forget the hot and coldness of last week and not think about the new guy? And should I regret the call yesterday?

 

Edit: I also have a really hard time comparing others with her, she wasnt a very nice person, but she's the most beautiful girl I've been with. This is shallow I know but how do I stop thinking of her like that comparing her to others?

Edited December 20, 2017 by Bmxboy

[stockyoldfrump]

Honestly, it sounds like most of your issue here is your own sense of insecurity. You admit that you didn't connect that well and that you didn't really even like her much as a person, but note that she was the best looking girl you've been with. Even when you talk about your feelings when she mentions other guys, it's rooted in a sense of competition between you and them, with her as the prize. You don't miss HER, you miss the feeling of confidence and pride you got from being with a girl who was as attractive as she was. Now that she's gone, you feel somehow diminished. But it's because your confidence is wounded, not because you liked her for her.

 

That doesn't mean I'm trying to diminish your pain. I think it's as real and legitimate and painful as anyone else's, but I do think it's important to be conscious about what's actually driving you here.

 

In many ways, it seems like she probably feels much the same way. I'm going to assume you're a decent looking guy and she probably felt proud of going out with you. It's easy for her to write you off absolutely when she feels temporarily taken with another option, but when she's feeling more alone she will reach out to you and get another ego boost from your attention.

 

I think the best thing to do here is for you to block her on everything, ignore her and focus intensely on yourself. If my read of your psyche is even remotely accurate, you will probably get a lot of results from putting your time back into yourself and working out, pursuing personal goals, etc. You'll be able to get the same confidence boost from self improvement as you were getting from her individual validation.

 

It seems like you guys probably weren't particularly emotionally compatible, but were physically compatible and made each other feel proud. That's a hard thing to get over, but it's not going to cause someone to genuinely rethink a break up or certainly make long term plans to revisit the relationship. She misses you physically and misses how she felt with you, so she wants to know that you're there if she wants. In the mean time, like you said, she's looking for someone else with whom she's both physically and emotionally compatible.

 

You don't want to be waiting around for someone who's only using you for attention and an ego boost. Just block her, focus on yourself, and try to increase your belief that you can in fact find someone just as good as her. Also, the more you take control of limiting your interactions, the less vulnerable you'll feel about the idea of other men. After all, she kept trying to keep you around and you cut her off. That means that some of the dudes she does find might be less desirable than you, but that she's only with them because you had the pride to walk away.

[HumanMachine]

She is telling you to jump and you’re asking her how high.. BLOCK and move on!! This woman is not right for you..

Edited December 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed inappropiate language

[Bmxboy]

Honestly I think you're right about everything. I've never felt like someone has read me so well before ha. I was doing fine the first few weeks, she was being angry and hurtful like she had been through our whole relationship. But then she slept with someone else and my confidence was wrecked and I wouldn't have a lot of self confidence to begin with.

 

I think this is the root of my problem. I need to realise that my confidence shouldn't come from what others think, especially her, she's an angry and manipulative person and I can do better.

 

A pretty face doesn't mean a pretty person

[Young mind]

Hi guys,

 

This is gonna be a long one. My ex broke up with me in early October, the reason being she felt like watching porn was cheating and she found some on my PC. We had dated for a year and a half and this stage

 

Initially I was fine, during the relationship I used to lie beside her and think how she wasn't the one for me, we disagreed on almost everything, constant fights etc. So initially I was fine. We kept in touch and after a night out she text me telling she had kissed two guys. I was devastated. I was doing fine but couldn't see myself with others and the fact she did that turned my stomach

 

Fast forward a week or two and we agree to meet up. She sleeps with me. A couple of days later she tells me she didn't jutst kiss one of those guys but slept with one and didn't tell me before she slept with me. Again, devastated but we just keep hanging out and seeing each other. She says doesn't want me back but doesn't want to stop seeing me. I can't say no to that and I keep seeing her.

 

So fast forward to December, I agree to meet for coffee, right before I see her I see the guy she was with, so I'm in a crap mood when I see her. She says I'm such a downer when I see her now so I just leave.

 

We agree not to talk anymore. I was drunk the following Friday, we were both at Xmas parties. I called her, I dunno why. She texted me on Sunday, asking could she be unblocked on Instagram so she can stalk me. She also says let's meet up in 6 weeks and she how we feel. This is important.

 

For the following week then she sent me relationship memes, drunk text me wishing she was staying in mine and text me all day the following day after the drunk text.

 

I ask her why she is doing that and she said she can't control drunk texts but it won't happen again, I ask about the 6 week thing and she said to be honest this is over for her.

 

I was so confused the past few days, not talking at all but wondering why she proposed the 6 week thing then took it away within a few days.

 

I was weak yesterday and I called her. She told me it is definitely over for her, she actually kissed a new guy from work at her Xmas party and will be going on a date this Thursday with him. She told me she's better single and doesn't want a relationship at all (then why date?)

 

So now I'm just so so so confused. When we first broke up I suggested going no contact immediately but I stuck around for her. She used that time we were still seeing each other to get over me and move on and now I'm left with nothing. What I really don't understand is, she kissed the guy at her party, suggested the 6 week plan, made it obvious she missed me, drunk text me and continued to text the following day but the next day it's over for her and that's it.

 

So many thoughts of, I wonder if hes better than me, a better kisser, better lover, more handsome, stronger. Even though I know we were not right at all, she made me miserable. It hurts because she pulled the trigger first I think, it hurts to be gotten over so fast and it's confusing being manipulated into thinking you have a chance when you don't.

 

I also really regret showing weakness yesterday and crying down the phone to her. To be honest, hearing her moving on with someone else has made me think well F her, we weren't right, she made me miserable and now I can just forget her and find someone better, or just be on my own. But I really don't like that I showed weakness, because I know even though she has just last week, she won't do it again because she has the new guy. The ball was in her court but now I can't even see the ball.

 

What should I do to forget the hot and coldness of last week and not think about the new guy? And should I regret the call yesterday?

 

Edit: I also have a really hard time comparing others with her, she wasnt a very nice person, but she's the most beautiful girl I've been with. This is shallow I know but how do I stop thinking of her like that comparing her to others?

Mate, first off nothing like “weakness”, let’s all forget this thing, you showed your emotions to her, that’s human and you have little control over that, be rest assured you’ve clearly shown her how you feel.

I believe somewhere in your heart you understand what is going on here but I see, also normally in this type of situations we also cling on to some hope, some positive outcome we expect.

You’ve written that she’s using you to move on, quite rightly so, once women pull the plug, I write from my own experience and analysis, not all women but in 2017 quite a lot, they will validate it, this means in the preceding weeks, they will want some more attention, some new toy who loves them head over heels, they will go partying, kiss several, sleep with them, it makes them feel wanted, makes them feel special again, this is what she didn’t get from you.

You will see your ex gf in a new light, she will suddenly be more sexy, all these all come to attention seeking and validation and you have to accept this.

Acceptance is necessary to move on, accept that this is over, try to go NC, focus on other things, this will be hard but take things slowly, you must BLOCK her to avoid her messing up your mind with ‘drunk text’, she’s keeping you and others in a circle till she finds the one who she feels is ‘special’

When she finds this guy you will be toast.

Try to concentrate on everything else apart from you ex, get some sleep, go for walks do the things you know make you calm, clear your head, believe me it gets better and you must take care of yourself and no one can do that for you

[elaine567]

She dumped you due to a deal-breaker, so at that point she was done.

You had actually no chance of getting her back and that is when you should have walked away.

 

BUT old habits die hard, she missed you, so she kept you around, but not because she wanted you back.

She was using you as back up support until she could make it on her own.

 

Now she doesn't actually need you any more, so she has gone cold.

 

Grieve, heal and move on.

[Been]

She plays on your insecurities. She wants you one minute. Then she doesn't. Then she does. Of course you respond to all her texts all her requests to meet up.

Notice she is in control. She's calling the shots and she KNOWS it.

And she will continue to do that and you'll beat yourself up trying to make sense of it.

You want control of the situation? The ONLY way is you can't be in any contact with her. You have to pretend she does not exist or you can continue to follow her around and be her ego booster.

You want closure? Live your life. That in itself is closure. Your making a statement saying you don't need someone who treats you bad to be happy or successful in life. You know your worth and your NOT going to settle.

Or you can waste time on someone who is never going to treat or respect you no matter what you do.