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Love lost, and never had


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I'm writing this more to vent, it feels better to do it somewhere more appropriate. I've had a harder life, divorced parents at 1, negligence until 9, and psychological abuse from there on out. For me love always was my one chance for something wholesome, beautiful and pure. I never had a normal love with parents, and a relationship is the one place where, in theory, I can attain something normal, something with meaning and a relationship that is wonderful, unfleeting and right.

 

I stopped dating for four-five years, I have c-ptsd and I didn't think it right to give myself to someone knowing I wasn't okay myself. I'm almost there, and I let a girl into my life, who's name was Hanna. She was beautiful, she was seemingly full of hope and passion for things she did, and most of all, she was like me. Her mother abused her and broke her a bit young, and in her I could find common ground to the things that haunted me, and for once gave some sense of piece within in them, and even understanding. It was freeing, and at first the passion seemed such a high that I was blinded, to a lot.

 

We had a good first month, she told me she loved me after two weeks, which to others was a red flag but to me a joy. I told her it was wonderful, and made me feel wonderful that she felt that way, and that I just wasn't there yet. We spent loads of time together, always talking having fun doing things every so often and when we weren't just enjoying each other's company and companionship. Everything seemed fine. Then at about a month, she told me that she had went on omegle and let someone touch themselves to her as she teased them.

 

I was partially destroyed, I finally let myself open up to someone after years and not a hint of something wrong was laying around for me to see. Naturally I turned inward, I should have left, but I blamed myself. She said she thought I didn't care because when other people would hit on her or flirt with her I seemed uninterested. She wasn't wrong, but I wasn't interested because I personally don't believe anyone has any reason to worry in a relationship unless the partner gives them reason, a thousand people can try at who you care for, but if your partner obviously doesn't care, it obviously doesn't have any bearing on your relationship and as such, you shouldn't stress or concern yourself about it.

 

I let her have a second chance, and in the heat of things told her I loved her, I'm not sure that it's true now or then but I said it. I continued to live it as well. She became cruel. She decided suddenly to go to college, and live on campus. She said she didn't even think about me when she decided. I shook it off. I stayed. She'd make fun of me and call me little names. I stayed. She would talk about guys she found attractive constantly. I stayed, desperate for love, and unreciproating in her cruelty.

 

She went to college, her first night there she called me and made fun of me to her roommate, cruel things, they both laughed, and I just egged her on. I wanted to get it all out because I was done. Hung up. Tried to break up with her later and she said I'm just like everyone else abandoning her, this whole shtick. I really cared for her and felt awful. Once again, I stayed. I stayed against all reason because I was deseperate for love in any form I received it in.

 

The rest of her college, about 3 weeks was her melting down, and coming to stay with me off campus to calm down. Suffice to say of course sweet nothings that I was good to her when I came and got her were what kept me hopeful. Sweet nothings exactly so more than I understood. I'd call off work, id hemorrhage gas money and stress and bend and break to assure her comfort. Eventually it came to a head, she wanted to get out and had nowhere to go. So I worked it out and she stayed with me.

 

She moved in, I oversaw it, and for the first two weeks she was loving, and caring, at least for her a great deal more, and it felt like the problem was distance and I pushed away all previous slights and hurts, because I loved her and she as well as I had a share of problems. After those weeks things went downhill, only interested in me if I was giving my attention to someone else. Less caring, less love, all down to a breaking point. I confronted her.

 

She never said anything in arguments, I told her it seems she was distant and I wanted to know why. I don't know didn't suffice. This was 4 months in. She said that since a week before she moved in all she could do was think about her ex. It's all she wanted, she didn't love me, and obviously didn't want to work things out. We broke up, she broke up with me. I made sure she had a safe place to go, and I thought it over. Two weeks radio silence. All of the sudden came a break in the quiet.

 

She told me two weeks into her break up I was the best thing to ever happen to her, proffessed deep love and everything I wanted to ever hear all at once. She apologized to me for what she had done and showed genuine regret for her actions. I asked everyone around me. I was told what a mistake, and a shame it would be to take her back. What a shame it was, I'd do anything for love, and I wanted one more shot with her.

 

It started off as it seems to do after any parting, with quick and affection love and admiration. It was a storm and it passed. She started to have Alex with me and stop. She wouldn't make out with me, no real passion. The well ran dry. One time, the final, time, as for now, she stopped mid sex and said she wasn't into it. I told her I loved her and all those re assurances, and that she should think about why. She came back two days later with she was asexual.

 

I thought things over, and for me physical intimacy is a subjective necessity for love, I need it. She didn't want it. We broke up. I did it. I feel awful. I miss her, without understanding anymore even what I miss. Only two weeks and I'm just filled with pain. She seems to have postured to be dating new people, so it all seems a lie. I feel worthless, and sick. I'm sure most people know the symptoms. Hard to get up, hard to move, hard to eat, sleep, be interested. I'm sure it will pass, and I can move on and collect myself. I hope I can resist her if she comes back. ****s hard.

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