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Breakup before or after the holidays with a very nice person?


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I have been dating a very nice and amazing girl for several months. We have plans for her to be at my family's house for the holidays and everyone has already bought each other some small gifts after they met earlier this month. It has been becoming more and more apparent to me recently that our relationship is not meant for the long haul and I am not in love with her. I do think she is an amazing person and pray that she wants to be friends after the breakup.

 

The thing is, she has never really had a nice Christmas. I am in a debate with myself about whether to give that to her and then breakup before New Year, or just make this one chalk up in the charts of ill willed holidays that she has always had. I did request we spend limited amounts of money on our gifts before I knew this was coming and plan to let her know that she is welcome to return the gifts she may have gotten me while she can keep ones I got for her.

 

I can't say if she will hopefully choose to be friends, but I do want to choose the best timing since one of her very close friends just also died last night. How do I add to that now? It seems mean. So do I try to give her the nice Christmas I believe she deserves to experience, or do I bite the bullet and shut it down because I know it will end soon after anyway?

 

I am also afraid she will say "I love you" for the first time on that day and I do not say that when I don't actually feel it in return. What is the nicest thing to do for someone who has done nothing wrong? She will make someone very happy someday and I want the best for her.

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Why are you breaking up, exactly?

 

Anyway, since it sounds like you're just incompatible (I guess?) as opposed to having major issues/fighting, I would wait until after the holidays to break up. It's just not a great time right now, especially with your preexisting plans.

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Please don't break up with her and play the "but we can be friends" card. It's great for you, not so much for the person who was dumped. The demotion is kind of a hard pill to swallow and many think the friendship offer is a way back into the relationship. When you break up with her, really break up and leave her be so she can get over you.

 

I don't know about dragging her through the holidays with your family either. After you dump her she will be thinking but...we just celebrated Christmas together! I met your entire family, we exchanged gifts...everything seemed so great! Her past Christmas's have sucked; I can't imagine when she looks back and wonders if this one was genuine it'll be a great memory either. I know it's tough but hopefully she has another support system to lean on.

 

How long have you known you didn't really want to be with her?

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Would you want her playing make believe on your behalf?

 

Wouldn't be a better world if all just spoke the truth a little more often?

 

Do you think her feelings are gonna be hurt less after Christmas? Especially knowing you faked a good time?

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Before. A "boo, I'm single" holiday sucks, but if she is serious about this relationship she is going to pay a lot of attention to gifts, what you do, how you interact and does it mean you have long-term potential, etc. Do it now and give her time to mope around with family before she can power into 2018 as an awesome, sexy, confident single woman.

 

(This sounds reductive but it's true. There is no reason to drag out a breakup; it only ends up hurting people more.)

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She doesn't have any family. Really none left. That's part of why the holidays have never been great for her and she has never had a great Christmas. I guess that's part of why I thought it would be nice for her to experience one since my family has a lot of fun. To answer the question about how long I have felt this way, I have been really realizing in the last few days that this isn't a true fit...

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She doesn't have any family. Really none left. That's part of why the holidays have never been great for her and she has never had a great Christmas. I guess that's part of why I thought it would be nice for her to experience one since my family has a lot of fun. To answer the question about how long I have felt this way, I have been really realizing in the last few days that this isn't a true fit...

 

But she won't feel it was nice after the fact, OP.

 

She will look back at this Christmas as a complete farce. It will be hard, but it's really thoughtless to let her come to your family Christmas only to dump her afterward.

 

Don't do that to her.

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Well it obviously isn't "thoughtless". Correct is the debate. It may not be correct and that is what I was trying to determine by providing these facts. It is hard to to give opinions any merritt that are being insulting when I am clearly trying to choose the right path. So keep it kind...

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Yikes. It is very sticky because it's only 10 days away. Both choices suck so go with whatever you think sucks the least. If she hadn't already bought stuff for your family I'd say do it now. Can your side at least return the stuff you got her?

 

 

If she doesn't spend the holiday with you will she be all alone?

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CautiouslyOptimistic

What a bummer. I think you should probably do it before, and I agree with not offering to still be friends. If that's going to happen/meant to be, it will happen naturally at a later date after the shock and hurt has dwindled a bit.

 

This would be a no brainer if she didn't already have a bad "record" with Christmas and just experienced a loss, but I still think you should do it beforehand. Especially if you think she's going to lay "I love you" on you.

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Well it obviously isn't "thoughtless". Correct is the debate. It may not be correct and that is what I was trying to determine by providing these facts. It is hard to to give opinions any merritt that are being insulting when I am clearly trying to choose the right path. So keep it kind...

 

Her happiness isn't your responsibility regardless of the time of year and that's even more so if you have no plans for furthering the relationship.

 

Are you making this about what she wants or is this more about you feeling guilty for hurting someones feelings just before the holidays?

 

Think about all the other people who will be effected by this only to find out you had no future plans for her.

 

Hearts never break even, they are hard on everyone. I don't see any way that waiting is beneficial.

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In my opinion it is monstrous to abandon her right before the holidays, especially after she confided so much to you. I can't fanthom why someone can be okay with doing this, if they are not in danger or anything sinister.

 

A break up can easily wait for after the holidays. You experience cold feel but she has done nothing wrong - if you really like her at least as a friend as you stated, share the holiday experience together. Who knows, it may light the fire between two of you, or alternatively - provide a foundation for a platonic friendship.

 

She doesn't have any family. Really none left. That's part of why the holidays have never been great for her and she has never had a great Christmas. I guess that's part of why I thought it would be nice for her to experience one since my family has a lot of fun. To answer the question about how long I have felt this way, I have been really realizing in the last few days that this isn't a true fit...
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Yikes. It is very sticky because it's only 10 days away. Both choices suck so go with whatever you think sucks the least. If she hadn't already bought stuff for your family I'd say do it now. Can your side at least return the stuff you got her?

 

 

If she doesn't spend the holiday with you will she be all alone?

 

Yes she will.

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Boy, tough. Either way you go will be difficult on her. The timing just sucks.

 

In thinking on this, I think breaking up before is better. At least that way she can deal with the holidays in her own way, honestly. Otherwise, you will be going thru the holidays knowing what is coming, and she will be probably getting closer and closer to you, thinking you care more than you do. Afterwards, she will be thinking about how you were just faking it thru the holidays.

 

Nice of you to give so much thought on what is best for her. All you can do is soften the blow at this point. I really think honesty is always best.

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Also, my family and I would not retract our gifts. They would have been happy to have her even if her and I were never together because she does not have another real Christmas to go to. Anyone who is invited to my family's house for the holiday receives gifts with the rest of us - SO, family, or not. They become family that day. She did, however, buy them gifts. I would want to factor that in even though I would offer for for her to be able to return mine. One more fun fact, she just went out of town suddenly for her friend's funeral and I cannot possibly do this until she gets back even because I would have to do it in person. That wouldn't be until Monday now.

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I'm just curious. Before she met you, did she not get invited by her friends for X'mas? Also, for someone who doesn't have the tradition of celebrating X'mas the way you are used to, maybe the kind of X'mas you have envisioned for her is not as big a deal. I was also curious as to why you suddenly lost feelings for her during the past few days. Did something happen that made you realize her coming from a different background might not be compatible with you long term?

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By the way, thank you all for your advice. This is really helpful. Either way the breakup will not be a nice thing, but it helps to think that the least evil path is being chosen.

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I'm not sure why you're making such a big deal about the gifts, considering you've told her not to spend too much money. I don't see anything wrong about exchanging gifts since you've all bought them. It'd be insulting if someone told me I could return the gift I've already bought for him, to be honest! Is it because you think she can barely afford those gifts? From whatever little you've shared about her background, I bet she's a strong young woman, and she'll survive the big disappointment!

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I'm not sure why you're making such a big deal about the gifts, considering you've told her not to spend too much money. I don't see anything wrong about exchanging gifts since you've all bought them. It'd be insulting if someone told me I could return the gift I've already bought for him.

 

I was meaning to answer someone else's question that I should have quoted in that response to make it more clear. Adversely to some people feeling insulted to being given the option to return a gift that was being given right around a breakup, many people might be insulted thinking you waited to do the breakup until you got a gift out of them... So that is why I originally mentioned that I would give her this option and I would guess why the other post(s) mentioned it further.

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There is NO nice way to break up with someone, there is no time, no day of the week, no month, no year, when it magically hurts less.

 

Do you really think she will be soooo happy that you and your family took pity on her and then kicked her to the curb on Boxing day...

Do not give her a window into what she might have had, how things may have been...

You need to end it NOW.

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I was meaning to answer someone else's question that I should have quoted in that response to make it more clear. Adversely to some people feeling insulted to being given the option to return a gift that was being given right around a breakup, many people might be insulted thinking you waited to do the breakup until you got a gift out of them... So that is why I originally mentioned that I would give her this option and I would guess why the other post(s) mentioned it further.

 

This would have made sense if she's gotten you an iPhone X or something expensive. Plus, you and your folks have also bought her gifts (it's not like you're only taking things from her).

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you and your family took pity on her

 

Reading between the lines, I get the sense that this seems to be the core of their relationship. OP, no offense, but I suggest you to try to really understand how the world of someone coming from her background is like.

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Reading between the lines, I get the sense that this seems to be the core of their relationship. OP, no offense, but I suggest you to try to really understand how the world of someone coming from her background is like.

 

I can see why you would think that I don't know anything about her background because, in a sense, none of us know anything about each other's background. Empathy in wanting something to be done in the least painful way for a pain that the empathic person is responsible for does not equal pity. I know my own experiences with pity because I hated pity whenever people found out about my terminal illness or deaths of my family members. It is a part of what makes my family that is left the way they are. We should not assume something that has not been said. We should probably base our responses the information provided or ask questions instead of trying to make me out to be some bad guy. I am not one. I just need help on this occasion figuring out what the right thing is - of which a consensus is being reached that I never disagreed with in some way. Thank you for your response, though, and maybe you should take into account that saying things like that might not be based on the information given to you - which makes it an assumption.

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littleblackheart

In all honesty OP, what it looks like is that while you're giving the appearance of being thoughtful and empathetic, you really just want to assuage your guilt for leaving your GF a week before Christmas.

 

If you want to leave her, just do it and let her deal with it her own way. There's no way for you (or anyone, really) to predict how she's going to react so the timing doesn't matter so much as breaking up with her with kindness.

 

Good luck with it.

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