Xamer Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 Hello I'm 42 my husband is 47. We have been married for 20 years . 3 years ago he had an emotional affair with a girl from work. Although we stayed together it has never been the same. He thinks it's kind of old news. We haven't had sex in about 2 years and sleep in separate rooms. As I write this it seems very obvious of how it should be. It doesn't seem so easy just to walk away. We have three kids they are all teenagers. I have rented a place but haven't had the courage to tel him I'm leaving yet. I wouldn't leave before Christmas but I found a place and couldn't let it pass. He is a great man and I know he loves me as I do love him. But we are just not in love . How do I tell him. Seems a lot harder to tell him then I thought. Do I wait till after Christmas. I'm not a pushover I just feel like my world is changing ever so quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 It's certainly not going to be easy but it has to be done. Pick a quiet time & just say it. Rip the bandaid off. Then leave. There will be plenty of time for reflection once you are in the new place as the divorce proceeds. These things take a while for a reason. Do what's best for your kids in all of this. Link to post Share on other sites
HumanMachine Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 Have you communicated with him about your feelings? Is this the best decision with your children in mind? Link to post Share on other sites
RedOlive Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 He may be a great father, but he certainly doesn't sound like a great man. A great man wouldn't have betrayed you by having an emotional affair (that you know of, there is almost always some sort of physical component), and he minimizes the experience and your feelings about it by trying to convince you it's now "old news". And this is only a couple of details you revealed. I'm going to bet the rabbit hole goes a lot deeper. What happened to you is a trauma, don't let your husband or anyone else invalidate your experience. I'm very sorry you are going through this Xamer. It sounds like you have decided that this relationship is not acceptable to you. You should be very proud of yourself for taking action and going as far as finding a new place to rent. I can't imagine how difficult it is with having three kids. Xamer, you can do what is right for you. This is no life. You are in your early 40's, you still have plenty of time to reinvent yourself with or without a new partner. But time is very precious. You have already given your husband 3 years you can never get back. Years that do not at all sound peaceful, happy or even content. You say you love your husband and he loves you but from what little you describe this doesn't sound like a loving relationship. Listen to what you are saying: he had an affair! you have not had sex or slept in the same room for two years! Does that sound like a loving partnership dynamic? I wish you all the strength to make choices that are right for you and can lead to you a more fulfilling life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xamer Posted December 14, 2017 Author Share Posted December 14, 2017 Thank you for the honest reply. Writing is helping me through this and having outsiders opinion opens my eyes. I do feel guilty about leaving as I only commented on his flaws. I look forward to my new life although it is scarcely as hell. Link to post Share on other sites
Bebe11 Posted December 19, 2017 Share Posted December 19, 2017 Have you and your husband thought about marriage counseling? If you are having a hard time leaving, then why not try counseling to see if this might help? I know this might be hard to believe, but a marriage can be stronger after an affair. I hope you will consider it before you leave. I just said a prayer for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xamer Posted December 19, 2017 Author Share Posted December 19, 2017 I have been going to counselling but he is not I interested. The affair is a small part of the marriage break down. He refusses to open up. Have a conversation about anything real. Maybe after speration he will realize what he had at home. I'm willing to continue trying while separated. But hoping everyday that he will remember why he loved you is very hard to live with. Thank you for the prayer I do need it Link to post Share on other sites
BrokeInside Posted December 19, 2017 Share Posted December 19, 2017 You seem to be a kind hearted woman. Your story is very sad. I wish you all the courage, the best, and hope your husband will open his eyes because he seems to be lucky to have a spouse like you. Link to post Share on other sites
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