Girlfriend left me for taking her for granted

[emihali]

Hello all,

Nearly a month ago my girlfriend broke up with me.

We had been together for 4 and a half years.

We were really good and discussin for at least 6 months about moving to live together. I was pessimistic in general at that time and a little bit deppressed. I avoided the conversation when it turned to the house , because i didn't want for her parents to cover for a lot of the costs but didn't tell her about it. So 1 month ago she saids to me that it's over without any explanation. I asked her and pleaded to tell me but she said nothing, a week later we drank a coffee and she said that she felt like she was doing everything, and i was being pessimistic about moving and she had a lot of pressure from her parents to move and was unhappy. I told her that ot was solvable and if that was the problem we could move there tomorrow but she had none of it. We didnt talk for a week, then i gave her a call and said to drink a coffee without any pressure. She accepted and ee talked and we laughed. I hugged her sometimes and than told her that what happened had been an wake up call for me, and that i was straightening things up for my life. I told her that i liked her to be by my side, but if she didn't want to be with me, nevertheless i would live a better life. I told her i loved her. then we left, we hugged for some minutes before leaving and nearly kissed , but it didn't happen. Later she sent me a text that she was happy that i was happy because she thought she left behind a sad person. I texted her later at night and i said wr should give it a try, and she said she felt shaken at the bar, and she thought to get back with me, but she needed time. I said i would give her time but we should have some contact. We went out another time a week later, but it didn't go as smooth as the first time because she was not feeling well physically. We had some text communication and i called her, to set up a meeting but she said she didn't have time and we should talk some other time. what do you recommend for me to do, i know that my insecurities destroyed our relationship so what to do now? I started exercise again, and going out more, and i'm not as broken ad before. I know that i took her for granted .Thanks in advance.

[browzer]

You told her you'd live your life without her and be happy, if that's what she wanted.

 

That's what she wants.

 

Don't make it about you all the time.

[HumanMachine]

As above, it’s time to move on. To me it sounds like she’s seeing someone else but is keeping you on the scene just incase it doesn’t work out with him.

[emihali]

I know for sure she isn't seeing someone, i know she was broken hearted, her sister told me, what can i do to get her back, i know i can move on, but i don't want to. I'm in control of my emotions these days , so how can i fix things?

[springy]

There is no magic formula to getting someone back. She has reached her breaking point. Suddenly, after months of dragging your feet and making what sound like excuses (which for some reason you wouldn't express while in the relationship) suddenly you can move out "tomorrow". If I were her (and I have been) I'd be thinking ok, yeah, right...now you can make it happen huh..no thanks.

 

Get a handle on the depression and whatever else is going on and give her space. She's got little reason to believe you're serious right now. If she comes back it will be because she feels she can take you seriously and still loves you romantically, but I wouldn't put my life on hold waiting for it. Oftentimes once someone has gotten to this point it is extremely difficult to come back from. Stay in the gym and if that doesn't help your depression see a doctor.

[emihali]

You are right in every point you mentioned. What happened gave me a sudden shock, a wake up call, i figured that what i was viewing as problems, were things that i was dramatizing and i had been victimizing myself. I resumed my long term goal and began training once again. It's difficult i can tell you, but i have began to see life in a different way, positively. I was basically angry at myself and projected most on her, but whats done is done. Of course i dont expect her to believe me or anyone else for that matter, but judging by your similar situation, does she still have feelings for me? And how can i prove to her that i'm different( if it even matters at this point). I know that there is no formula for this kind of thing, but in your opinion and i'm asking you to speak for yourself at this point, whats the best course of action to show that i've changed and i'm getting better with time. Thanks a lot for being honest

[Purepony]

Buy her some flowers and deliver them to her work or have them delivered to her work

 

Make sure she knows her from you if she calls you you have an opportunity to speak if she does not call you let it go

[emihali]

Buy her some flowers and deliver them to her work or have them delivered to her work

 

Make sure she knows her from you if she calls you you have an opportunity to speak if she does not call you let it go

 

It's not like i don't have an opportunity to speak to her, i have called her and she has opened her phone, and i'm sure i could set up a meeting, but even when i meet her she has her shields up, sometimes she laughs sometimes she just doesn't react or seem bothered, i don't know what to do at this point

[emihali]

There is no magic formula to getting someone back. She has reached her breaking point. Suddenly, after months of dragging your feet and making what sound like excuses (which for some reason you wouldn't express while in the relationship) suddenly you can move out "tomorrow". If I were her (and I have been) I'd be thinking ok, yeah, right...now you can make it happen huh..no thanks.

 

Get a handle on the depression and whatever else is going on and give her space. She's got little reason to believe you're serious right now. If she comes back it will be because she feels she can take you seriously and still loves you romantically, but I wouldn't put my life on hold waiting for it. Oftentimes once someone has gotten to this point it is extremely difficult to come back from. Stay in the gym and if that doesn't help your depression see a doctor.

 

Sorry didn't quote:

 

You are right in every point you mentioned. What happened gave me a sudden shock, a wake up call, i figured that what i was viewing as problems, were things that i was dramatizing and i had been victimizing myself. I resumed my long term goal and began training once again. It's difficult i can tell you, but i have began to see life in a different way, positively. I was basically angry at myself and projected most on her, but whats done is done. Of course i dont expect her to believe me or anyone else for that matter, but judging by your similar situation, does she still have feelings for me? And how can i prove to her that i'm different( if it even matters at this point). I know that there is no formula for this kind of thing, but in your opinion and i'm asking you to speak for yourself at this point, whats the best course of action to show that i've changed and i'm getting better with time. Thanks a lot for being honest

[sdraw108]

You're missing an important point here. She didn't just wake up one day and think "I want to break up". She's been agonizing over it for months, slowly distancing herself emotionally, until she was ready to actually break up. Typically by the time that happens, the process is very hard to reverse. It's not just a matter of merely persuading you that you will be different from now on. That would have worked before she started the distancing process. Now, her feelings for you simply aren't the same as they were before.

 

You've made your case to her already. The best thing you can do now is not contact her again and let her have time away from you to process it all. You have a small chance that she will start to miss you and decide that she wants to give it another shot. She will contact you if that happens. Don't chase her for it.

 

You should also accept the fact that that chance is small. The far more likely scenario is that she moves on and you don't hear from her again other than breadcrumbs.

 

Either way, you benefit by going no contact. It will help you move on too.

[emihali]

You're missing an important point here. She didn't just wake up one day and think "I want to break up". She's been agonizing over it for months, slowly distancing herself emotionally, until she was ready to actually break up. Typically by the time that happens, the process is very hard to reverse. It's not just a matter of merely persuading you that you will be different from now on. That would have worked before she started the distancing process. Now, her feelings for you simply aren't the same as they were before.

 

You've made your case to her already. The best thing you can do now is not contact her again and let her have time away from you to process it all. You have a small chance that she will start to miss you and decide that she wants to give it another shot. She will contact you if that happens. Don't chase her for it.

 

You should also accept the fact that that chance is small. The far more likely scenario is that she moves on and you don't hear from her again other than breadcrumbs.

 

Either way, you benefit by going no contact. It will help you move on too.

 

I get what you are saying, it didn't happen overnight for sure. About the no contact thing, it may be difficult, because we have a lot of common friends and i don't want to miss on meeting them, just that she might be there. At one point i was ready to move on , i was calm, but then she drops the " after our last meeting i felt that i might change my mind but i'm not sure" . I mean how do you explain the meaning of this? And how do i maintain no contact knowing that she might be there , just ignore her?? Thanks

[Chi townD]

Uggh....

 

Dude, with the majority of women, once they make up their minds about something? That's it. They've made up their mind and not even an Act of Congress could get them to change it. Dude, sorry...but it's time to move on.

[elaine567]

After 4 and 1/2 years, the relationship had to go somewhere and moving in together was the natural step, but you didn't want to do that, you avoided the topic, so where did that leave the relationship? - nowhere.

Left with a relationship that was going nowhere, she bailed.

 

You had your chance, I very much doubt you can turn this around, as any decision you make now is not of your own free will, but is made under the pressure of the break up and that doesn't tend to go down well.

[emihali]

After 4 and 1/2 years, the relationship had to go somewhere and moving in together was the natural step, but you didn't want to do that, you avoided the topic, so where did that leave the relationship? - nowhere.

Left with a relationship that was going nowhere, she bailed.

 

You had your chance, I very much doubt you can turn this around, as any decision you make now is not of your own free will, but is made under the pressure of the break up and that doesn't tend to go down well.

 

Well let's suppose for a moment that i'm calm ( i am to be honest) and i'm making this decision of my own free will, is there any chance to fix things?? And what's your recomandation, what should i try besides everything i did? I know it sounds childish but i don't want to give up

[Purepony]

It's not like i don't have an opportunity to speak to her, i have called her and she has opened her phone, and i'm sure i could set up a meeting, but even when i meet her she has her shields up, sometimes she laughs sometimes she just doesn't react or seem bothered, i don't know what to do at this point

 

 

Thenits over accept and move on

[CupCakess]

Well, are you guys young? or are you t that age in which couples usually move in together and plan for the future?

 

It is possible she misunderstood your intentions, and took your concerns as if you didn't want to move in with her.

[emihali]

Well, are you guys young? or are you t that age in which couples usually move in together and plan for the future?

 

It is possible she misunderstood your intentions, and took your concerns as if you didn't want to move in with her.

 

I'm 29 she is 27,

[springy]

I'm 29 she is 27,

 

I thought you were younger, like college age. At 29, you wouldn't make any moves, she's quickly approaching 30. She was looking for more of a commitment. She did not get that from you. Now it's a desperate, knee jerk reaction to get her back. She spent 4 years of her life with you and there was no movement forward.

 

It's not sexy to see your lover finally commit as a response to breaking up. You laid all the cards on the table. Now you continue moving forward with your life and if she does decide to try again don't fall back into inaction and apathy. I know it sounds cold, but some folks - when they are done they are done. Time will tell if your ex lady is one of those people. She has been thinking this over for awhile.

[Yosemite]

Going by your actions, she thinks she’s forcing you to live with her and that you’d rather live with her than be single. Not exactly romantic.

 

You told her that you like (not love) being with her, but that if she didn’t come back, you’d live a better life without her. She’s probably interpreting that to mean that you feel that she holds you back or that you think that she’s not good enough for you and that you can “upgrade” and get a “better” woman than her.

 

She probably thinks that for any important issue that she needs to bring up, she can talk with you about it for six months until she's blue in the face, but you won’t take her seriously unless she breaks up with you. She’s probably also thinking about marriage and kids. If, after four years, she had to break up with you just to get you to move in, what is she going to have to do to get you to propose?

 

She’s probably thinking that if you took her for granted at four years into a bf/gf relationship, how much will you take her for granted at ten or fifteen years into the marriage.

 

I don’t think there’s a very good chance to get her back. She would be taking a very big risk taking you back because you could very easily slip back into old habits if you got her back. She’s already given you four years, how much more time is she supposed to give?

[emihali]

Going by your actions, she thinks she’s forcing you to live with her and that you’d rather live with her than be single. Not exactly romantic.

 

You told her that you like (not love) being with her, but that if she didn’t come back, you’d live a better life without her. She’s probably interpreting that to mean that you feel that she holds you back or that you think that she’s not good enough for you and that you can “upgrade” and get a “better” woman than her.

 

She probably thinks that for any important issue that she needs to bring up, she can talk with you about it for six months until she's blue in the face, but you won’t take her seriously unless she breaks up with you. She’s probably also thinking about marriage and kids. If, after four years, she had to break up with you just to get you to move in, what is she going to have to do to get you to propose?

 

She’s probably thinking that if you took her for granted at four years into a bf/gf relationship, how much will you take her for granted at ten or fifteen years into the marriage.

 

I don’t think there’s a very good chance to get her back. She would be taking a very big risk taking you back because you could very easily slip back into old habits if you got her back. She’s already given you four years, how much more time is she supposed to give?

 

Just to make some other thing clear, we had set a month to move in, november, and than she drops the bomb. I'm not saying you are not right, you have some good points,

And i WAS dragging it a bit, but i had my own reasons and didn't want to tell her just so that she couldn't be unhappy, but this just messed it up, lackof communication. Ialways wanted to live with her, and i know in her ears this may sound like justifications. Hope it's not to late, but propably it is .

[emihali]

Just to make some other thing clear, we had set a month to move in, november, and than she drops the bomb. I'm not saying you are not right, you have some good points,

And i WAS dragging it a bit, but i had my own reasons and didn't want to tell her just so that she couldn't be unhappy, but this just messed it up, lackof communication. Ialways wanted to live with her, and i know in her ears this may sound like justifications. Hope it's not to late, but propably it is .

 

I thought you were younger, like college age. At 29, you wouldn't make any moves, she's quickly approaching 30. She was looking for more of a commitment. She did not get that from you. Now it's a desperate, knee jerk reaction to get her back. She spent 4 years of her life with you and there was no movement forward.

 

It's not sexy to see your lover finally commit as a response to breaking up. You laid all the cards on the table. Now you continue moving forward with your life and if she does decide to try again don't fall back into inaction and apathy. I know it sounds cold, but some folks - when they are done they are done. Time will tell if your ex lady is one of those people. She has been thinking this over for awhile.

 

So basically i just have to wait it out?? Are there any things i could actively do? I've been waiting oit on a lot of things , just like the moving to the new house, i don't want to fo it anymore, i want to take action for every little thing, not just this, thanks

[browzer]

So basically i just have to wait it out?? Are there any things i could actively do?

 

Yes there's lots you can do, basically anything else besides agonizing over here.

 

Try dating.

[emihali]

Hi all, just wanted to share the latest updates:

We were at a party that some other friends organized, it went better than expected , we had a lot of fun and we talked a lot, (not about the relationship). We even danced together, totally unexpected to say the truth. The next day i decided to give her a call and she accepted to go out. We drank a glass of wine and jokingly and laughfingly i gave her a kiss. After the wine i took her home, we hugged a bit and then i "semi forced her" into some kisses. She was hesitant at first . Then i said goodbye. Met her today again and we talked and laughed a lot, but she was a bit colder than yesterday and maybe i pushed it over a bit( i' m not sure if a bit oe a lot) with my advances. So this is the situation right now. Any advice on the current situation? Thanks in advance.