My BF slept with someone twice after the breakup. How should I handle it!?

[Bianca91]

Hi Everyone,

 

Backstory:

 

My Bf (lets call him A) and I had dated for 4 years. When we first met I came out of a long-term relationship (lets call him B) where he had broke up with me and started sleeping with someone else soon after. B was my first love, so coming out of it I was distraught. I brought over those insecurities and distrust when I first started hanging out with A.

 

It was a tumultuous period. I would hang out with A but I used him as an emotional rebound. We started off as good friends but would occasionally make-out. The first time we kissed in a club I ran out crying as I was still hung up on B. On A's 21st birthday, he invited me and I stupidly took some other guy as my date. It was A and his mates, and me and this other guy I had met. A was disappointed. He saw me dance with him and later I went home with that guy and had a one-night stand. I didn't feel guilty as A and I weren't a couple.

 

Weeks after, A forgave me and we just hung out as friends. With time, we became f* buddies (something I've never done before). He would ask me to be his GF but I shut him down a couple of times. Afterwards, my feelings grew stronger for him so I said yes to being his GF. After that, we stayed together for 4 whole years. Those years however was not smooth sailing. We would occasionally fight, mostly due to my insecurities (my Dad had cheated on my mum and because of B). I also have had a really bad hormonal imbalance due to being on the pill. I had changed into a completely different person .

 

My imbalance and past had made me moody certain times of the month. A is a Personal Trainer so I would always be jealous and hurt whenever he had brought up a female name! I'm so ashamed of that looking back. We would have big arguments and say to break up a number of times. We did break up once before but that lasted 2 weeks.

 

We decided to move in together because I told him I would change and won't be as distrustful. Moving in was great at the start. It seemed like we turned over a new leaf. I put everything into it. I cooked, cleaned and tried at times to control my hormones. But..it wasn't enough. We still had arguments over the same thing, me feeling jealous and him not putting in the effort in the relationship. I think he gave up due to my craziness.

 

Today:

 

2.5 months ago A had broken up with me for good. 2 weeks prior to that, my Dad had sadly passed away. With that, my hormones, and our rocky past, things came crumbling down. He broke up with me saying that it was toxic and he didn't see a future with me. He was mature about it and I left and moved back with my mum. During the 1 month apart, I never heard from him and I started to work on myself. I have been working on re-balancing my hormones through my naturopath (I started this 4 months ago to this day) and have discovered Law of Attraction. I really have changed within the last 2 months. I feel like my old self again where I was carefree, fun, humble, and loving. I even have this sense of trust for others now!

 

We didn't plan to get back together but 1 month after the breakup I scheduled a day to go over to A's apartment to collect my things. He instantly saw the change and missed me. When we sat down to talk, he looked really sad. He said he had something to tell me. He said he could see me happy and wished that he had made me that happy. He said I was so different he didn't even imagine I could change.

 

He confessed that a week prior, 3 weeks after the breakup, he slept with someone from the gym (a client). To paint a picture, this client had been more eager to pursue my BF I think even when we were together. She is 35 years old (10 years older than him) and she initiated to hang out when we broke up. He said he slept with her twice, and only found out that she was engaged to some guy. He looked distraught. A is really a good guy and it is not in his character to do something like this.

 

For this first 2 minutes I was stunned. I had a tear but withheld my irrational feelings. But I said to him with a smile, "ok great, lets get food then play basketball." He was confused and so was I. He wanted to kiss me then and there, which we later did. We are together now, but I haven't put a label on it. I feel I need time to make sure this positive mindset sticks and not to bring old habits into this relationship between A and I.

 

Question:

 

My dilemma is, even though I know we were broken up which means he had the choice to do whatever he wanted, I need confirmation to tell me that he didn't do anything wrong. From time to time I get depressed about it (on my own, I don't let him see that) but I want to fight through it and be a realist rather than irrational. We only live one life and A and I never really had a proper good run with our relationship. When the times were good, they were good. Now with him knowing how life was without me, and me with my positive mindset, and my hormones 80% balanced (I'm so happy about the results I got from my naturopath!), I want to give it a final shot. What are your thoughts? Do you have a similar story and what was your experience?

[d0nnivain]

Once you break up with somebody you have no right to control what they do or with whom. Your EX did nothing wrong by having rebound sex to help himself feel better after the demise of your relationship.

 

Since you are trying to get back together, you need to be able to completely let it go. If you can't, it will become a cancer to your interactions & poison everything.

 

I'm sorry about your dad's passing but just because him & your mom had problems does not mean every man will act like him.

 

Find ways to work on your self esteem & your self control. Until you do, you will struggle to have a happy, healthy relationship with anybody.

[HumanMachine]

And this is why you stay no contact

[ExpatInItaly]

First, I am sorry for the loss of your Dad. I do hope you have support in dealing with the feelings of grief that losing a parent inevitably brings.

 

Second, no, your ex did nothing wrong. Of course we don't love hearing that someone we care about has been intimate with someone else, but he was single and free to do as chose. Now that have reconciled, you need to be able to look past it and not hold it over his head. If not, as d0nnivain says, it will eat away at your relationship.

 

Third, please do continue getting help for your insecurities and mood swings. A naturopath can help in re-balancing your hormones, but this is so much more than a hormonal issue. Are you able to see a counselor as well? I think it's going to be necessary to help you learn to break old habits, and find new coping strategies to use when you feel upset or insecure. Otherwise, you are likely to find yourself repeating old patterns and struggling to maintain your relationship, especially in light of this revelation from your boyfriend.

[Bianca91]

I understand and yes I know that I need to let go or else there's no point in trying again.

 

I have been trying to work on my self esteem and controlling my thoughts through meditation and self hypnosis. He insists on moving back in but I can't at this point in time. With him I show him my best and positive traits but mentally it does get draining. I haven't had really time to mourn for my Dad so after I see him I go home and I just cry in my room when nobody is awake.

 

I don't want him to see me depressed as he will think it's because of him and might think I haven't changed. I want to be positive and live my life to the fullest. If you have any tips on building self confidence and having a healthy, positive life, do tell?

 

 

Once you break up with somebody you have no right to control what they do or with whom. Your EX did nothing wrong by having rebound sex to help himself feel better after the demise of your relationship.

 

Since you are trying to get back together, you need to be able to completely let it go. If you can't, it will become a cancer to your interactions & poison everything.

 

I'm sorry about your dad's passing but just because him & your mom had problems does not mean every man will act like him.

 

Find ways to work on your self esteem & your self control. Until you do, you will struggle to have a happy, healthy relationship with anybody.

[Bianca91]

Thank you for a response. To clarify, do you mean it in a good way that I did take the time to go NC or I should of taken longer without contacting/seeing him?

 

Also, have you gone through a similar experience and what happened in the end, just curious?

 

And this is why you stay no contact

[Bianca91]

Thank you for the comment. I don't want it to ruin my chances as I would rather give it another, honest shot with no baggage this time.

 

Yes, I think the biggest thing is my insecurities and not feeling worthy of love. Most of what I have been doing is self-help stuff. The book "The Secret" has really helped me. I haven't really thought of seeing a Counselor. I am normally someone who rather deals things on their own. Plus I would rather just have a normal conversation with someone on the side-walk than a professional if that makes sense. I think I would feel intimidated and judge otherwise.

 

I don't really have anyone I can really speak to about these things. People mostly tell me their problems, rather than the other way round. If you also have any tips on re-programming the mind to think more positively please let me know. I've been doing meditation, self-hypnosis, I have a gratitude book and everything the Law of Attraction prescribes.

 

 

 

First, I am sorry for the loss of your Dad. I do hope you have support in dealing with the feelings of grief that losing a parent inevitably brings.

 

Second, no, your ex did nothing wrong. Of course we don't love hearing that someone we care about has been intimate with someone else, but he was single and free to do as chose. Now that have reconciled, you need to be able to look past it and not hold it over his head. If not, as d0nnivain says, it will eat away at your relationship.

 

Third, please do continue getting help for your insecurities and mood swings. A naturopath can help in re-balancing your hormones, but this is so much more than a hormonal issue. Are you able to see a counselor as well? I think it's going to be necessary to help you learn to break old habits, and find new coping strategies to use when you feel upset or insecure. Otherwise, you are likely to find yourself repeating old patterns and struggling to maintain your relationship, especially in light of this revelation from your boyfriend.

[HumanMachine]

Thank you for a response. To clarify, do you mean it in a good way that I did take the time to go NC or I should of taken longer without contacting/seeing him?

 

Also, have you gone through a similar experience and what happened in the end, just curious?

 

Bianca what I meant was that after the relationship is finished it is best to go and stay no contact. I have been in your position, I have reached out to exes weeks/months after the relationship had finished and then found out the gruelling details of them being with other people. Every time I wish I could’ve just stayed no contact, once a relationship is done it really is best to leave it in the past. Are you going to be able to deal with the thought of him being with the other woman? Are you going to trust him now (he was openly honest about it though - credit where due)?

 

All the best.

[ilovemefirst]

Is this something you think you could get past? If so, let it go and try to focus on the new relationship. I have hormonal inbalance, so i understand how u feel. I usually just recluse when im feeling down because i dont want to say things that i would regret to my fiance. Hes very patient and understanding about it. Do you mind sharing how you worked on it? What did you do? Did u go to a professional?

[Art_Critic]

It's great you are working on yourself and looking at yourself and making corrections needed.. it should help rebuild your self esteem...

 

The thing is though.. you need to take all the new things you found out about yourself and the new and improved person you are and you give that person to someone other than your EX.

 

The reason you are dating is to find out what you want and what you don't want and when you find out someone you don't want or they don't want you then you continue on to someone else...

 

Good on you for improving yourself.. now stop talking to your EX and start talking to new people.

[d0nnivain]

If you have any tips on building self confidence and having a healthy, positive life, do tell?

 

Not really. I'm struggling with some of this myself & like you it's complicated by the death of a parent.

 

Some things my therapists have suggested:

 

journaling -- letting go of my feelings on paper

 

writing out 3 things I'm grateful for each day

 

learning to meditate & be mindful

 

focusing on the small successes achieved every day, for example I baked Christmas cookies over the weekend. That doesn't seem like much of an accomplishment to me but my therapist claims that is part of my problem that I don't appreciate the little things.

[anthle702]

Hey OP, I'm not really sure I agree with everyone on here. But as a 25 year old male who is going through this, here's my perspective.

 

Him sleeping with his client can mean absolutely nothing. He's sad, hurt, confused, and alone. He's going to try to fill that void anyway he can. Dont hate him for that, but also stop blaming yourself.

 

You were dealing with internal issues from your past break ups and you need to heal those wounds. If he loves you, he'd help you through it, if he doesnt then he doesnt care enough about you.

 

 

Hi Everyone,

 

Backstory:

 

My Bf (lets call him A) and I had dated for 4 years. When we first met I came out of a long-term relationship (lets call him B) where he had broke up with me and started sleeping with someone else soon after. B was my first love, so coming out of it I was distraught. I brought over those insecurities and distrust when I first started hanging out with A.

 

It was a tumultuous period. I would hang out with A but I used him as an emotional rebound. We started off as good friends but would occasionally make-out. The first time we kissed in a club I ran out crying as I was still hung up on B. On A's 21st birthday, he invited me and I stupidly took some other guy as my date. It was A and his mates, and me and this other guy I had met. A was disappointed. He saw me dance with him and later I went home with that guy and had a one-night stand. I didn't feel guilty as A and I weren't a couple.

 

Weeks after, A forgave me and we just hung out as friends. With time, we became f* buddies (something I've never done before). He would ask me to be his GF but I shut him down a couple of times. Afterwards, my feelings grew stronger for him so I said yes to being his GF. After that, we stayed together for 4 whole years. Those years however was not smooth sailing. We would occasionally fight, mostly due to my insecurities (my Dad had cheated on my mum and because of B). I also have had a really bad hormonal imbalance due to being on the pill. I had changed into a completely different person .

 

My imbalance and past had made me moody certain times of the month. A is a Personal Trainer so I would always be jealous and hurt whenever he had brought up a female name! I'm so ashamed of that looking back. We would have big arguments and say to break up a number of times. We did break up once before but that lasted 2 weeks.

 

We decided to move in together because I told him I would change and won't be as distrustful. Moving in was great at the start. It seemed like we turned over a new leaf. I put everything into it. I cooked, cleaned and tried at times to control my hormones. But..it wasn't enough. We still had arguments over the same thing, me feeling jealous and him not putting in the effort in the relationship. I think he gave up due to my craziness.

 

Today:

 

2.5 months ago A had broken up with me for good. 2 weeks prior to that, my Dad had sadly passed away. With that, my hormones, and our rocky past, things came crumbling down. He broke up with me saying that it was toxic and he didn't see a future with me. He was mature about it and I left and moved back with my mum. During the 1 month apart, I never heard from him and I started to work on myself. I have been working on re-balancing my hormones through my naturopath (I started this 4 months ago to this day) and have discovered Law of Attraction. I really have changed within the last 2 months. I feel like my old self again where I was carefree, fun, humble, and loving. I even have this sense of trust for others now!

 

We didn't plan to get back together but 1 month after the breakup I scheduled a day to go over to A's apartment to collect my things. He instantly saw the change and missed me. When we sat down to talk, he looked really sad. He said he had something to tell me. He said he could see me happy and wished that he had made me that happy. He said I was so different he didn't even imagine I could change.

 

He confessed that a week prior, 3 weeks after the breakup, he slept with someone from the gym (a client). To paint a picture, this client had been more eager to pursue my BF I think even when we were together. She is 35 years old (10 years older than him) and she initiated to hang out when we broke up. He said he slept with her twice, and only found out that she was engaged to some guy. He looked distraught. A is really a good guy and it is not in his character to do something like this.

 

For this first 2 minutes I was stunned. I had a tear but withheld my irrational feelings. But I said to him with a smile, "ok great, lets get food then play basketball." He was confused and so was I. He wanted to kiss me then and there, which we later did. We are together now, but I haven't put a label on it. I feel I need time to make sure this positive mindset sticks and not to bring old habits into this relationship between A and I.

 

Question:

 

My dilemma is, even though I know we were broken up which means he had the choice to do whatever he wanted, I need confirmation to tell me that he didn't do anything wrong. From time to time I get depressed about it (on my own, I don't let him see that) but I want to fight through it and be a realist rather than irrational. We only live one life and A and I never really had a proper good run with our relationship. When the times were good, they were good. Now with him knowing how life was without me, and me with my positive mindset, and my hormones 80% balanced (I'm so happy about the results I got from my naturopath!), I want to give it a final shot. What are your thoughts? Do you have a similar story and what was your experience?

[Bianca91]

Yes it is something I can get past, because if I was in his shoes, I probably would of done the same so I can empathise in a way. The only thing I am afraid of is bringing it up if we ever have an argument in the future and my positivity and mind control isn't as good that day. I've read other forums where that has happened and eventually the relationship just crumbles. I really hope that I really can control my thoughts.

 

That's nice about your Fiancé. My BF was patient and I can't put my whole past up here but I've said and done things that were very out of character, like comparing him to my Ex (B), saying he was not the best BF, being demeaning and saying hurtful things, swearing, being hysterical and crying. That is the biggest reason why I can see past it, because I as well have hurt him emotionally a thousand times during the 4 years.

 

I think the biggest thing that has really propelled me to change is my Dad passing away. It made me reflect on who I am as a person. I changed into a monster, someone I never was before.

 

A couple months back I went to a Naturopath and did saliva and blood tests which showed that my progesterone levels were very low and oestrogen and testosterone were high. I'm on herbal remedies atm and I watch what I eat. I know naturopaths get a lot of crap and backlash, but the remedies have helped me immensely! He said it takes 6 months to be 100% normal and 3 months to see the difference. I'm going on my 4th month and it has been the biggest impact on my new demeanour in life.

 

I've always been active so exercise helps. Please try out self-hypnosis. I listen to Dr. Bob - he has 10 min programs that are catered to specific things you want to work on (e.g become mentally stronger, more courageous, more humble, more patient, etc).

 

Try getting it tested through a naturopath. I'm going to get a scan to see if I have PCOS. I'm a believer in figuring things out and fixing them. You can definitely fix hormonal imbalance. Don't just put up with it!

 

 

Is this something you think you could get past? If so, let it go and try to focus on the new relationship. I have hormonal inbalance, so i understand how u feel. I usually just recluse when im feeling down because i dont want to say things that i would regret to my fiance. Hes very patient and understanding about it. Do you mind sharing how you worked on it? What did you do? Did u go to a professional?

[Bianca91]

I understand. But looking back, did you ever just wonder, I could of given it another shot or it could of been overlooked? I know everyone is asking if i could trust him again. And I've thought about it and I suppose, yes I can. That is the chance I take in doing it again one last time right? And if it doesn't then thats also ok right? Plus, he also is willing to trust me again. I've put him through a lot and have hurt him with things I've done and said during the relationship.

 

He did break up with me during the worst time in my life. But I did say to him at the time if you don't see a future with me then end this rather than pretending, and so he did. Do you think it would of been better for him to remain silent and break up with me later or there is truly no right time for breakups?

 

 

Bianca what I meant was that after the relationship is finished it is best to go and stay no contact. I have been in your position, I have reached out to exes weeks/months after the relationship had finished and then found out the gruelling details of them being with other people. Every time I wish I could’ve just stayed no contact, once a relationship is done it really is best to leave it in the past. Are you going to be able to deal with the thought of him being with the other woman? Are you going to trust him now (he was openly honest about it though - credit where due)?

 

All the best.

[Bianca91]

I love the idea of journaling. I will try that. I'm sorry for whatever you are going through. Is it normal to feel...numb? It's been over 3 months but I don't linger too long at looking at photos, videos. I haven't even been to the gravesite since the funeral. Is that normal? Or am I in denial? I'm not sure

 

 

Not really. I'm struggling with some of this myself & like you it's complicated by the death of a parent.

 

Some things my therapists have suggested:

 

journaling -- letting go of my feelings on paper

 

writing out 3 things I'm grateful for each day

 

learning to meditate & be mindful

 

focusing on the small successes achieved every day, for example I baked Christmas cookies over the weekend. That doesn't seem like much of an accomplishment to me but my therapist claims that is part of my problem that I don't appreciate the little things.

[Bianca91]

Thank you for your comment. May I ask, you don't think that there is a possibility in starting something new and beautiful with an Ex where both parties have a new and improved outlook on life and in relationships, or you think an Ex should always remain as an Ex? Do you have any experience?

 

 

It's great you are working on yourself and looking at yourself and making corrections needed.. it should help rebuild your self esteem...

 

The thing is though.. you need to take all the new things you found out about yourself and the new and improved person you are and you give that person to someone other than your EX.

 

The reason you are dating is to find out what you want and what you don't want and when you find out someone you don't want or they don't want you then you continue on to someone else...

 

Good on you for improving yourself.. now stop talking to your EX and start talking to new people.

[Bianca91]

Thank you for your comment. I read through your own thread and I'm sorry about what you went and are going through. I hope everything is working out with your job.

 

As you are going through something similar, if she came back around would you be able to look past her being with someone else? Have you yourself met anyone else and how was that like since the breakup? And yes I am working on myself. I'm sad that I let so many years in my early 20s just pass me by without being the best version of myself. I just turned 26 so I want to make it count. Life is too short, which is why I chose to give it a final shot with no past, no baggage. Just enjoying the now. I just wanted to know that I was/am thinking the right way about this.

 

 

Hey OP, I'm not really sure I agree with everyone on here. But as a 25 year old male who is going through this, here's my perspective.

 

Him sleeping with his client can mean absolutely nothing. He's sad, hurt, confused, and alone. He's going to try to fill that void anyway he can. Dont hate him for that, but also stop blaming yourself.

 

You were dealing with internal issues from your past break ups and you need to heal those wounds. If he loves you, he'd help you through it, if he doesnt then he doesnt care enough about you.

[ilovemefirst]

Thank you so much for those tips! I was actually diagnosed with PCOS and my hormones are also out of balance. I started taking the pill, but i find that i can get very emotional for a few days a month. But i find it helps alot. Thanks to law of attraction. Nice to see its also been helping you!

I say since you were not yourself, dont beat yourself up and try and move past his recent history and start fresh! Dont put too much energy on it, as you know what happens with that. Stay positive !!

[amaysngrace]

If they can't handle you in the bad times they don't deserve you in the good times

 

....or something like that

[Jdoublenn]

Ah, heres some personal experience for you... keep in mind, I was in a different situation than you initially so my personal feelings in NO way replicate or even compare to your ex (for all that I know).

 

I was half in/half out of the R mentally with my bf for about year and a half bc our fights were so often and so bad, with no end in sight for him getting his sh.t together and quitting the drunk act.

 

When I finally ended it, I slept with a mutual friend once, too drunk to even remember. Regretted it. When X and I completely stopping talking about a month later, I had a ONS and slept with mutual friend guy again. With both guys I thought about X the WHOLE time.. I know, poor guys lmao. They weren't even bad I wouldn't say, I was just hooked on X.

 

I then came to the conclusion, among other things of course, that X was all I wanted.. I slept with the other guys pretty soon after breakup bc I had emotionally detached from X for so long beforehand, it was easier to 'move on' quick, in that sense. I thought it would help, and I really thought I was ready to see what else was out there (and always had a 'thing' with mutual even though we never admitted it until the drunk night). But it didn't get me over him whatsoever, in fact, it did the opposite lol.

 

Good luck with whatever you choose, just make sure you are HAPPY with him, and that the relationship isn't the cause of you going backwards emotionally. One thing that could help tremendously with the trust issues is therapy. Have you ever seen anyone professionally? Also, if you two get back together have you talked about if the "client" is going to be nixed from his life completely (if not already) or if she's going to stick around... I know for sure when I got back with X, I told him before we were officially back together about the ONS and the mutual, because I knew it wasn't a secret I could keep after X suspected and I denied for so long.. needless to say mutual friend guy was blocked on everything immediately and out of our lives...

 

Should I mention "mutual" was X's very close, longtime friend? Yep, I'm an awful person who thought I liked the guy and crossed the line. Regret ensues.

 

All in all, the sex could've meant nothing, as it did with me after my breakup. Even if it was twice you just never know. Im not one to get all 'attached' as soon as I sleep with a guy but I don't get around either. I wouldn't worry too much about the client he was with because it sounds like he doesn't much care about her at all. Take that as a good thing! He tried to 'move on', met up with you again and wants you back! Now the hard part is figuring out what you truly want-and deserve.

[d0nnivain]

I love the idea of journaling. I will try that. I'm sorry for whatever you are going through. Is it normal to feel...numb? It's been over 3 months but I don't linger too long at looking at photos, videos. I haven't even been to the gravesite since the funeral. Is that normal? Or am I in denial? I'm not sure

 

Everybody grieves in a different way. I have only been to my parents' grave sites a few times, no more then 3 in 5+ years. Part of that is that they are buried so far away. It's like a 4 hour round trip. It's not a thing in my family to go to the graves. Everybody & I mean everybody is in the same cemetery so when somebody dies & fortunately nobody has in a while I will go visit several graves but I have no desire to make a special trip. I can think about my parents & talk to them from anywhere because I know I carry parts of them in my heart.

 

It's only been 3 months. Cut yourself a break.

[anthle702]

Thank you for your comment. I read through your own thread and I'm sorry about what you went and are going through. I hope everything is working out with your job.

 

As you are going through something similar, if she came back around would you be able to look past her being with someone else? Have you yourself met anyone else and how was that like since the breakup? And yes I am working on myself. I'm sad that I let so many years in my early 20s just pass me by without being the best version of myself. I just turned 26 so I want to make it count. Life is too short, which is why I chose to give it a final shot with no past, no baggage. Just enjoying the now. I just wanted to know that I was/am thinking the right way about this.

 

 

Honestly, I ask myself that all the time. I think it would be really hard for me because she left me for this guy, and she never really tried to save or work on our relationship. This guy was giving her the attention she wanted, and giving up on the relationship was easier for her.

 

As for sleeping with other girls, I had a chance with someone on Tinder, but decided not to do it because it was for all the wrong reason. However, if I had a hot girl as a back up I totally would, but still it wouldnt mean anything to me. Give him another shot, but be careful.

[Bianca91]

I understand and I completely agree that you should have someone by your side through thick and thin. But, what happens if those bad times were really...bad? More often than the good times? I'm not saying what he did was ok and it is something I am continuously working hard to forgive but I am in no means a saint in all of this. He also needs to look past my mistakes.

 

During our relationship, especially since moving in, my attachment to him grew and so did my negativity, distrust and insecurities (hormones included). I have said the worst things imaginable. The things you say to someone you absolutely hate and wish to not see again. I was also at times aggressive with the way I said things and a little physical (not hitting or punching, more like shoving) in heated arguments. In those moments I really was someone completely different. So with that said, should he still have stuck by? Even when it was toxic for the past 2 years?

 

 

 

If they can't handle you in the bad times they don't deserve you in the good times

 

....or something like that

[Bianca91]

Thank you so much for your insight! I was hoping to get more responses from people who have been on the other side with this.

 

Looking back, we were emotionally disconnected way before the breakup. Can you tell me how things went between you and your EX/BF after you guys reconciled? How was he? Did he get over it? Did he sleep with anyone else? And are you both still together? Also, did you ever think about your rebound during your new relationship with your BF?

 

So what happened with the client was he spoke to her to make things clear on where they stood. He doesn't train her solely but in group classes. Since then, she has barely showed up at the gym. He took down a photo that had them both in it on their Gym Facebook page and put a photo up of him and I as his DP. He knows that I feel uncomfortable and wouldn't want to continue if she was still around. So he spoke to her and said that she needs to leave the gym, which she will soon be leaving which is good.

 

Another thing, my BF has gone in strong and told me that he loves me and wants me to move back in. I am in no state to be living together as yet and have told him that I need more time. I want to continue working on myself and making sure we both build good habits before anything. What do you think about this? Were your feelings the same when you went back with your EX? I'm having trouble understanding how one can say they don't love you in that way one minute, rebound and then soon after have these strong feelings all of a sudden. I'm not saying in a mean, negative way. I just want to understand it psychologically.

 

 

Ah, heres some personal experience for you... keep in mind, I was in a different situation than you initially so my personal feelings in NO way replicate or even compare to your ex (for all that I know).

 

I was half in/half out of the R mentally with my bf for about year and a half bc our fights were so often and so bad, with no end in sight for him getting his sh.t together and quitting the drunk act.

 

When I finally ended it, I slept with a mutual friend once, too drunk to even remember. Regretted it. When X and I completely stopping talking about a month later, I had a ONS and slept with mutual friend guy again. With both guys I thought about X the WHOLE time.. I know, poor guys lmao. They weren't even bad I wouldn't say, I was just hooked on X.

 

I then came to the conclusion, among other things of course, that X was all I wanted.. I slept with the other guys pretty soon after breakup bc I had emotionally detached from X for so long beforehand, it was easier to 'move on' quick, in that sense. I thought it would help, and I really thought I was ready to see what else was out there (and always had a 'thing' with mutual even though we never admitted it until the drunk night). But it didn't get me over him whatsoever, in fact, it did the opposite lol.

 

Good luck with whatever you choose, just make sure you are HAPPY with him, and that the relationship isn't the cause of you going backwards emotionally. One thing that could help tremendously with the trust issues is therapy. Have you ever seen anyone professionally? Also, if you two get back together have you talked about if the "client" is going to be nixed from his life completely (if not already) or if she's going to stick around... I know for sure when I got back with X, I told him before we were officially back together about the ONS and the mutual, because I knew it wasn't a secret I could keep after X suspected and I denied for so long.. needless to say mutual friend guy was blocked on everything immediately and out of our lives...

 

Should I mention "mutual" was X's very close, longtime friend? Yep, I'm an awful person who thought I liked the guy and crossed the line. Regret ensues.

 

All in all, the sex could've meant nothing, as it did with me after my breakup. Even if it was twice you just never know. Im not one to get all 'attached' as soon as I sleep with a guy but I don't get around either. I wouldn't worry too much about the client he was with because it sounds like he doesn't much care about her at all. Take that as a good thing! He tried to 'move on', met up with you again and wants you back! Now the hard part is figuring out what you truly want-and deserve.

[Bianca91]

Yes, I don't think I could go back with him if he left me for someone else and had a full on relationship. I had the same thing happen to me! But, I need to be emotionally connected to someone and feel safe to have sex with them. I'm glad I didn't rebound. The one time I did in my last relationship, I felt horrible and dirty. I feel like I'm mentally the stronger one coming out of all of this. But I can sometimes catch the hurt in his eyes. Like he wishes he never did it. So in that sense, atleast you have a conscious mind and you are doing things for yourself. Please stay true to yourself and only start seeing other people when you are ready. You sound like an awesome guy with qualities that high quality women would appreciate

 

 

 

Honestly, I ask myself that all the time. I think it would be really hard for me because she left me for this guy, and she never really tried to save or work on our relationship. This guy was giving her the attention she wanted, and giving up on the relationship was easier for her.

 

As for sleeping with other girls, I had a chance with someone on Tinder, but decided not to do it because it was for all the wrong reason. However, if I had a hot girl as a back up I totally would, but still it wouldnt mean anything to me. Give him another shot, but be careful.