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Ex- Doesnt love me anymore **Updated**


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Hey guys,

 

I'm struggling, I'd would love your advice, support, and wisdom. I'm having a hard time not blaming myself and dont know how I should move forward.

 

My Ex and I dated for 3 years, shes 24, and I'm 26.

 

Her Past/B]

I think it's important to understand her past, Ive been reading a lot online about a persons' upbringing to rationalize her actions in hopes of giving me answers I've been so desperately seeking.

 

I come a strong knit family, and have constant family gatherings. She however, does not have a strong family. Her mom left her as a kid, and her dad had a gambling problem. They are still in her life, but barely raised her, and never really gave her the emotional support as a kid. Her adjusting to my family was always hard but they always treated her as a daughter - loved her with all their heart. We rarely fought. When we did she would stonewall - not say much - and never raised her concerns to me.

 

 

Our relationship

We met in college, and it wasnt an immediate spark. She was chasing after me, and she eventually grew on me. We dated for a few months before I graduated and moved back home to Vegas. She graduated a few months after and moved back to Vegas, which is her home town. Unfortunately I lost my job in Vegas due a wild night out with her and was forced to move to to LA to pursue my career in advertising. My career has always been important to me and she knew Vegas wasnt a great place for my industry.

 

She ended up getting accepted to dental school in Vegas but had a year off and decided to move to LA with me. Everything great - she was a doing everything a perfect GF would - still would constantly tell me she was sad about not being with her friends. Still she was always pressuring me into getting married. I told her we were young and that she might change her mind.

 

A year later - she moved back to Vegas to start dental school. We did long distance for a year until my lease was ending and she told me she missed me and wanted me to move back. I'd be giving up my career by moving back to Vegas, but I did it, and stayed with my current job temporarily without a clear plan for my future.

 

The break up

Once I moved back to Vegas the marriage talks started coming up again, we started looking at rings, planning a wedding, and I bought a house. During that time in Vegas, I was stressed. I was working 7 days a week to save my parents business, and working at my old job in LA remotely.

 

One night we got drunk and she started talking about my career and what I was going to do with my life - she seemed worried - and I havent seen this side of her before. A few weeks past by and news hit. My job wanted to fire me unless I moved back... I couldnt lose the job or I'd lose this house I just bought. At this moment, I was a ball of stress, about to lose my job, my house, and my parents business was going under.

 

Once this was announced she started acting distant, going out getting blacked out, and I told her if there was problem please tell me. I didnt want her to end it like she did her past BF's where she would just distance herself and force the guy to break up with her.

 

A week passed by and she ended up telling me she didn't want to go on our anniversary trip anymore. These feelings of insecurity and jealously started coming out of me out of nowhere so I confronted her. This is when she told me she thought our relationship plateaued, she felt like we were in a routine, and didn't know what was left for us. This totally hit me out of nowhere, I knew we were rocky, but I didnt know it was this bad. She never argued- or talked to me about her doubts.

 

She kept mentioning we wouldnt be together for another 3-4 years since I'd be in LA and she'd be in school in Vegas. She was cold, robotic, and unemotional when she talked to me. It didnt seem like she even cared about me anymore at all. I would touch her and she'd pull away...

 

I got angry stormed out but a miracle happened and I ending up getting a job in Vegas, presented it to her but she didnt care. She didnt want to save the relationship, or even work on it.

 

I ended up deciding to move to LA to take a new job, because it didnt look like she wanted to save the relationship. I havent spoken to her for a month, and recently found out shes been hanging out consistently with a class mate of hers. I've always been skeptical about this guy, but she was loyal, and I gave her so much freedom.

 

 

I'm wondering if she left me for him.. how long its been going on. I literally built my life around this girl and sacrificed everything for her. I read so many things on the internet about keeping attraction, and its making me hate myself for putting so much faith, trust, and assurance in this relationship. Maybe I did something to make her lose this attraction, I don't want to lose her, but I dont know what else I can do..

 

How can someone do this to another person, after 3 years? How can she just drop me when I was going through such a rough time in my life.. and why would she talk about marriage with me when she wasnt feeling right.

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nope, just need some perspective on other people experience. Do any of you guys believe in "keeping attraction" or is that all BS.

 

I cant help but think I couldve done something else to save the relationship. I cant keep obsessing if she will ever realize and come back.

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How are you aware of her new guy? Why haven’t you blocked her on all social media? 3 years? Be grateful it wasn’t 5, 10, 20 years that you wasted on this person. You live in Las Vegas man surely there are thousands of chicks to choose from? Get back out there!

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I moved out to LA to pursue my career when she decided to not work on it anymore. I just unfollowed her on almost everything...

 

A mutual friend told me they are hanging out alot. ****ing want to kill this guy, I was so naive letting them just hangout thinking they were just "friends"

 

**** life is cruel

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Have you ever experienced someone saying they dont love you anymore after years together? We were just planning our wedding a few months ago and then now shes off with someone else. Have you ever seen someone come back?

 

I sacrificed everything, treated her well, and I cant stop blaming myself. All these websites online said I didnt do a good job of keeping her attraction.

 

Whats do you guys think about articles like this?

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Scarlett.O'hara

I don't think much about these articles because they don't know you or your situation so the best they can give you is generalized advice. Unless you know the author is credible it could simply be a click-bait article to make money.

 

That being said, I think working on your relationship and trying to please your partner is important, but it goes both ways.

 

If your ex wasn't willing to open up to you about what she needed and work on your relationship together then what chance did you have?

 

Someone who is willing to just walk away without fighting for the relationship or making the effort to save it is not someone you could trust in a long term commitment like marriage.

 

I understand why you are feeling so devastated, but in time I hope you will begin to realize how lucky you were not to marry someone who could give up so easily.

 

She showed her true colors and lack of commitment. If she is the type to bail during the tough times it would likely have ended in divorce, and cost you a fortune. Think about that.. You could have lost your house that you are working so hard for.

 

It is a credit to your character that you considering what you could have done to improve the situation, but I really don't think you should blame yourself for what has happened.

 

She was not wife material.

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I don't think much about these articles because they don't know you or your situation so the best they can give you is generalized advice. Unless you know the author is credible it could simply be a click-bait article to make money.

 

That being said, I think working on your relationship and trying to please your partner is important, but it goes both ways.

 

If your ex wasn't willing to open up to you about what she needed and work on your relationship together then what chance did you have?

 

Someone who is willing to just walk away without fighting for the relationship or making the effort to save it is not someone you could trust in a long term commitment like marriage.

 

I understand why you are feeling so devastated, but in time I hope you will begin to realize how lucky you were not to marry someone who could give up so easily.

 

She showed her true colors and lack of commitment. If she is the type to bail during the tough times it would likely have ended in divorce, and cost you a fortune. Think about that.. You could have lost your house that you are working so hard for.

 

It is a credit to your character that you considering what you could have done to improve the situation, but I really don't think you should blame yourself for what has happened.

 

She was not wife material.

 

Excellent way of putting things into perspective.

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I moved out to LA to pursue my career when she decided to not work on it anymore. I just unfollowed her on almost everything...

 

A mutual friend told me they are hanging out alot. ****ing want to kill this guy, I was so naive letting them just hangout thinking they were just "friends"

 

**** life is cruel

 

Lose the mutual friend

 

Stop with the killing the guy talk - the woman is to blame (don’t kill her either though)

 

Stop the ‘letting her do something’ talk, it’s her responsibility to respect you

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This other guy isn't really the problem, OP. Your anger is misguided. Your ex is the one who decided to end it with you and go explore something with him. That would have been impossible without her willing participation. You didn't "let" her do anything; she made a series of choices. Yes, it was sketchy of him to pursue a girl who wasn't single, but ultimately, she bears the bigger responsibility for this. Not him.

 

Unfortunately, this happens frequently to couples in the early-to-mid 20s. She thought she was ready to settle down, but really, she's nowhere near it. From where I stand, you did what you could to make this work. You need to stop beating yourself up about that. Yes, keeping attraction is alive is important. However, when times get tough, it's difficult to focus your attention on anything other than making ends meet. It appears you were doing what you could just to stay afloat, financially-speaking. She isn't ready for the commitment that sort of hardship involves. Life is full of challenges in which romance and adventure will have to take a backseat; the right life partner for you will learn to weather the storm with you rather than cast an eye in another guy's direction.

 

Will she come back? Maybe. But again, keep in mind what I mentioned above. You want a solid partner who's not pressuring you for marriage and then getting upset when you're trying to work to provide a more stable life. That's a young girl who doesn't understand what marriage/lifelong commitment really entails and isn't a good candidate for it at this point in her life.

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She has moved on. She does not deserve your energy. When you start focusing on yourself, thats when the magic happens. You will start to heal and move on and guess what? She will sense this and come back. Do not take her back of course, but just know that this is only temporary for you.

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Hey thank you so much for your kind and wise words. I really hope she can see the flaws in the character, and although she might think this new dentist bf of hers will work out. I dont see that happening unless she changes.

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Hello,

 

I know this is hard but you should feel blessed it happened before and not after marriage, years of sacrifice, kids ... like a tons of us here.

 

You did your best, forgive your mistake, focus on yourself, heal (no contact is the best way is you want to heal faster) and have faith in your future.

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