Why do Dumpers blame everything on the Dumpee?

[mmiller5373]

I'm seeing a trend in the way all of my relationships, including my last failed one, seem to end...

 

Girl starts to wonder if this is what she wants anymore.

Starts to find things about me and/or the relationship that bother her.

Breaks up with me blaming the entire failure of it on me.

Days or weeks later... they are in another serious relationship with someone... but continue to blame me for the ending of the relationship.

 

In reality... the relationship failed because of them being so unsure about what they wanted. Also the fact that they clearly had interest in someone else.

 

Yet... it's always the Dumpee's fault?

 

I see this all over the forum too.

 

Any clues why this happens?

[snowboy91]

I think part of the reason is that if someone sees things in other people they don't agree with, they see it as a character fault and blame the eventual dumpee, rather than accept that as a difference in personality or opinions that results in incompatibility, which isn't anyone's fault. You only have to look at how people perceive politicians or public figures (especially in recent times) to see a similar example outside of relationships.

Edited December 11, 2017 by snowboy91
Clarity

[Beachead]

I'm seeing a trend in the way all of my relationships, including my last failed one, seem to end...

 

Girl starts to wonder if this is what she wants anymore.

Starts to find things about me and/or the relationship that bother her.

Breaks up with me blaming the entire failure of it on me.

Days or weeks later... they are in another serious relationship with someone... but continue to blame me for the ending of the relationship.

 

In reality... the relationship failed because of them being so unsure about what they wanted. Also the fact that they clearly had interest in someone else.

 

Yet... it's always the Dumpee's fault?

 

I see this all over the forum too.

 

Any clues why this happens?

 

Guilt.

 

They feel guilty for their fading feelings and for what they'll have to do which is hurt a good person. Someone whom they made promises to. Shared moments with. Anger and blame displaces the guilt and their accountability in the whole situation. Sometimes, it's intentional. Sometimes it's not.

 

There are several other reasons as well but this is the one I am most familiar with.

Edited December 12, 2017 by Beachead

[mmiller5373]

Guilt.

 

They feel guilty for their fading feelings and for what they'll have to do which is hurt a good person. Someone whom they made promises to. Shared moments with. Anger and blame displaces the guilt and their accountability in the whole situation. Sometimes, it's intentional. Sometimes it's not.

 

There are several other reasons as well but this is the one I am most familiar with.

 

That's what I thought. They have to convince themselves they're doing the "right" thing so they focus all their attention on the other person's negative qualities, instead of looking at the good.

 

My ex-fiancee continues to tell people that I broke up with her, when she was the one who broke up with me. Three weeks later, she was in another relationship. I guess she doesn't want people thinking she left me for him.

[alterest]

Cause no one wants to accept that every person in the world have flaws. A relationship is build by two person, and it fails because of both. That is only not true if abuse, cheat or so on are involve. In every other aspects, both have some guilty in the end process.

Dumpee is not a victim, is just a person who someone broke up cause their reason. Lose of love? Lose of interest? Who knows...

But some dumpers prefer to put all the blame on dumpee so they can go out easily and with no regret. Sometimes in the long run they do regret, but we can't know if that will happen, when, and if they talk with dumpee about reconciliation.

Don't put the blame on them saying "the relationship failed because of them being so unsure about what they wanted" cause, again, relationship are made by two person. Both need to have interest in the relation and both need to work to maintain it.

[Beachead]

That's what I thought. They have to convince themselves they're doing the "right" thing so they focus all their attention on the other person's negative qualities, instead of looking at the good.

 

My ex-fiancee continues to tell people that I broke up with her, when she was the one who broke up with me. Three weeks later, she was in another relationship. I guess she doesn't want people thinking she left me for him.

 

Exactly.

 

Futhermore, breakups don't happen suddenly. She was losing feelings months in advance but stuck around because she was still attached, didn't want to be alone, and wanted to keep you as her backup plan. By the time you two broke up, she was already a good 80% over you. I'm willing to bet this new guy came into the picture maybe a month or two before the break up. Only reason he was able to was because of her diminishing feelings.

 

Having said that, I believe this new relationship will likely fail. She jumped from one guy to the next so she's using him to soothe her pain, guilt and block all her memories/moments she shared with you. Over time, I believe everything she buried will come back out and neither of them will be able to anything about it. That's when it'll go south and that's when you'll hear from her again.

 

I suggest not reaching out to her at all. Just pull her off of social media so you don't have to see irritating updates. Don't text her. Don't call. Don't talk to her for the holidays. Don't wish her on her birthday. Nothing. Just disappear. Cry it out alone, come on loveshack and talk it out. Talk to a trusted friend. Therapist. Whatever you need. But don't talk to her. This way you can salvage your dignity and appear like you handled it maturely in her eyes. She will remember that and it'll be more likely she contacts you..if you still want her to by then. (I personally wouldn't).

 

Be ready

Edited December 12, 2017 by Beachead

[Kelliousme]

Guilt.

 

They feel guilty for their fading feelings and for what they'll have to do which is hurt a good person. Someone whom they made promises to. Shared moments with. Anger and blame displaces the guilt and their accountability in the whole situation. Sometimes, it's intentional. Sometimes it's not.

 

There are several other reasons as well but this is the one I am most familiar with.

 

^That. It's to make them feel better in a way.

[marky00]

Guilt.

 

They feel guilty for their fading feelings and for what they'll have to do which is hurt a good person. Someone whom they made promises to. Shared moments with. Anger and blame displaces the guilt and their accountability in the whole situation. Sometimes, it's intentional. Sometimes it's not.

 

There are several other reasons as well but this is the one I am most familiar with.

 

yeah, its all bout the GUILT, 100 per cent.

 

It's counter-intuitive right. Why would you disrespect someone more that you already feel so guilty for hurting.

 

It's all about self-preservation. In order to get through the breakup, they will put the blame on the dumpee so they can make the breakup STICK.

 

Then several months or years later, they will try to dump a boat load of guilt at your door step.

 

It's crazy right but it happens every single time

[TheFinalWord]

I'm seeing a trend in the way all of my relationships, including my last failed one, seem to end...

 

Girl starts to wonder if this is what she wants anymore.

Starts to find things about me and/or the relationship that bother her.

Breaks up with me blaming the entire failure of it on me.

Days or weeks later... they are in another serious relationship with someone... but continue to blame me for the ending of the relationship.

 

In reality... the relationship failed because of them being so unsure about what they wanted. Also the fact that they clearly had interest in someone else.

 

Yet... it's always the Dumpee's fault?

 

I see this all over the forum too.

 

Any clues why this happens?

 

There's a general rule about human psychology. When it comes to ourselves, we are very forgiving of our mistakes and actions. When it comes to others, we can easily call out their mistakes and blame them.

 

In short, people tend to let themselves off the hook, and blame others as the cause of the failure. It's human nature in all types of social interactions: work, family, friends, relationships. It takes an introspective person to recognize they are partially to blame. A rare trait!

Edited December 12, 2017 by TheFinalWord

[guest569]

Were there any issues in the relationship/s? What do they say when they blame you?

[Downanddown]

Were there any issues in the relationship/s? What do they say when they blame you?

 

Well there are issues in any relationship and to why people breakup.

 

I think the main point is most dumpers dont take any responsibility for the demise of the relationship and blame everything on the dumpee

[basil67]

You got points one and two backwards. It should be:

 

1. Girl finds things she doesn't like

2. Girl starts to wonder if she wants to be in a relationship.

 

If everything is great, we tend not to question the relationship

[mmiller5373]

Futhermore, breakups don't happen suddenly. She was losing feelings months in advance, but stuck around because she was still attached, didn't want to be alone and wanted to keep you as her backup plan. By the time you two broke up, she was already a good 80% over you. I'm willing to bet this new guy came into the picture maybe a month or two before the break up. Only reason he was able to was because of her diminishing feelings.

 

Yeah. I agree. She started to change about 3-4 months before the "official" breakup. Also, she apparently met this guy 2 months before we broke up. I never knew about him. He asked her out and she said no. Never told me about it either.

 

Having said that, I believe this new relationship will likely fail. She jumped from one guy to the next so she's using him to soothe her pain, guilt and block all her memories/moments she shared with you. Over time, I believe everything she buried will come back out and neither of them will be able to do anything about it. That's when it'll go south and that's when you'll hear from her again.

 

I suggest not reaching out to her at all. Just pull her off of social media so you don't have to see irritating updates. Don't text her. Don't call. Don't talk to her for the holidays. Don't wish her on her birthday. Nothing. Just disappear. Cry it out alone, come on loveshack and talk it out. Talk to a trusted friend. Therapist. Whatever you need. But don't talk to her. This way you can salvage your dignity and appear like you handled it maturely in her eyes. She will remember that and it'll be more likely she contacts you... if you still want her to by then. (I personally wouldn't).

 

Be ready.

 

I agree it will fail. Honestly... I already made the mistake of keeping her around from May through September. She kept telling me she loved me and wanted things to work, but continued to spend time with him. The last time we talked, we had nasty things to say to each other... so much so that she has blocked me and changed her number. Also is telling former co-workers and mutual friends lies about me.

 

I have blocked her everywhere possible and have removed any mutual friends as well.

[mmiller5373]

yeah, its all bout the GUILT, 100 per cent.

 

It's counter-intuitive right. Why would you disrespect someone more that you already feel so guilty for hurting.

 

It's all about self-preservation. In order to get through the breakup, they will put the blame on the dumpee so they can make the breakup STICK.

 

Then several months or years later, they will try to dump a boat load of guilt at your door step.

 

It's crazy right but it happens every single time

 

Yup. My ex ex ex blamed me for everything. Two years later... comes running back saying she made a mistake and feels bad for how she treated me. Guess things didn't work out with her new man.

[mmiller5373]

Were there any issues in the relationship/s? What do they say when they blame you?

 

Let's see... she started bringing up arguments that happened years ago.

Blamed me for a lot of the recent fights we were getting in, even though she was the one being unreasonable.

Start to bring up flaws about my family members, my thoughts on religion (she's not even religous, so that part didn't even make sense) and the small amount of money I make.

 

Point is... all of these "issues" were there from the start. She knew about them when we first got together and then all of a sudden... they're deal breakers? Doesn't make sense.

 

Trust me... this a lot more. She continues to tell others I broke up with her. I didn't. She broke up with me.

 

All of this is is ease her guilt of not being sure if she wanted to be with me anymore. And having feelings for someone else.

[Downanddown]

You got points one and two backwards. It should be:

 

1. Girl finds things she doesn't like

2. Girl starts to wonder if she wants to be in a relationship.

 

If everything is great, we tend not to question the relationship

 

Not all cases. Especially if there is someone in the wings.

 

My ex left me for her ex after 6 years together. They have kids together so he was ALWAYS around. I could of pulled down the stars for her and it still wouldn't have changed. Her feelings changed and there was nothing I could of done.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I'm seeing a trend in the way all of my relationships, including my last failed one, seem to end...

 

Girl starts to wonder if this is what she wants anymore.

Starts to find things about me and/or the relationship that bother her.

Breaks up with me blaming the entire failure of it on me.

Days or weeks later... they are in another serious relationship with someone... but continue to blame me for the ending of the relationship.

 

In reality... the relationship failed because of them being so unsure about what they wanted. Also the fact that they clearly had interest in someone else.

 

Yet... it's always the Dumpee's fault?

 

I see this all over the forum too.

 

Any clues why this happens?

 

I am a dumper and I can tell you that you are quite right in some respects, the dumper has other interests or motivations. In my case, I simply could not forgive her for a decision that I thought was a betrayal to our commitment and relationship. It is SO much easier to demonize the 'other' person so that moving on seems easier. I did and believe me, looking back, it wasn't all her.

 

For some people, after some distance, or out of proper perspective, they realize that the issue wasn't all the dumpee's fault. For others, maintaining the demonized dumpee perspective continues to help with their justification for doing the dumping...also, some people are simply very poor at admitting the truth.

[mmiller5373]

You got points one and two backwards. It should be:

 

1. Girl finds things she doesn't like.

2. Girl starts to wonder if she wants to be in a relationship.

 

If everything is great, we tend not to question the relationship.

 

Meh. Not really.

 

Our relationship wasn't perfect, but it was good.

 

Honestly... she was digging at the bottom of the barrel looking for negative things.

 

The same thing happened in 2010 with my ex. That ex now realizes it.

[toomanyquestions123]

Exactly !!! same thoughts i always have !! When my ex fiancé broke up with me, he was like its you but its okay because its your culture and you cant change it and i cant ask you to change it !! BUT you knew my culture since day 1 !! Matter fact, u fell in love with my culture thats why you moved to my country now it became a problem for you ? He threw at me those many reasons why we should break up ( which are silly as hell, other than the fight that we had ) and when i wanted to tell him im sorry but you re not perfect as well but i loved him despite all his flaws and our cultural differences he was aggravated ? like WTH ? he blamed it all on me !! and i did nothing wrong !! it was just me same as i was the first day he met me !!! UHHH i feel pain in my throat when i think about it !

[mmiller5373]

Exactly !!! same thoughts i always have !! When my ex fiancé broke up with me, he was like its you but its okay because its your culture and you cant change it and i cant ask you to change it !! BUT you knew my culture since day 1 !! Matter fact, u fell in love with my culture thats why you moved to my country now it became a problem for you ? He threw at me those many reasons why we should break up ( which are silly as hell, other than the fight that we had ) and when i wanted to tell him im sorry but you re not perfect as well but i loved him despite all his flaws and our cultural differences he was aggravated ? like WTH ? he blamed it all on me !! and i did nothing wrong !! it was just me same as i was the first day he met me !!! UHHH i feel pain in my throat when i think about it !

 

My personal opinion is that when they aren't sure if this is what they want or if someone else comes along, they go searching for reasons the relationship won't work. Looking for flaws or excuses to convince themselves this isn't for them anymore. So they don't feel guilty.

 

These excuses never make sense either!

 

A few months before my breakup, my Mom even noticed my ex was trying to start fights over petty stuff.

[toomanyquestions123]

My personal opinion is that when they aren't sure if this is what they want or if someone else comes along, they go searching for reasons the relationship won't work. Looking for flaws or excuses to convince themselves this isn't for them anymore. So they don't feel guilty.

 

These excuses never make sense either!

 

A few months before my breakup, my Mom even noticed my ex was trying to start fights over petty stuff.

 

That is true, just excuses. Although my psychotherapist told me that your ex was maybe really bothered of some stuff you did ( cultural ones ) and since he is not a flexible person and he has his own mental issues he ended things. He told me those were not excuses, those were the reasons why he broke up with you. I dont know what to believe

[Gr8fuln2020]

That is true, just excuses. Although my psychotherapist told me that your ex was maybe really bothered of some stuff you did ( cultural ones ) and since he is not a flexible person and he has his own mental issues he ended things. He told me those were not excuses, those were the reasons why he broke up with you. I dont know what to believe

 

This is very common. When we are not happy, there is the tendency to over-blow minor things or create them to help fortify our own ego-driven need to be justified. When we have something in our heads, many of us do not want to be distracted and convinced otherwise, so we create situations that help us further our mission to end things by creating a wedge or widening it to 'encourage' the other person to respond in like. It's an unpleasant and often, confusing time. It is irrational and some people realize, after it's too late, how unnecessary it is.

[mmiller5373]

This is very common. When we are not happy, there is the tendency to over-blow minor things or create them to help fortify our own ego-driven need to be justified. When we have something in our heads, many of us do not want to be distracted and convinced otherwise, so we create situations that help us further our mission to end things by creating a wedge or widening it to 'encourage' the other person to respond in like. It's an unpleasant and often, confusing time. It is irrational and some people realize, after it's too late, how unnecessary it is.

 

Exactly.

 

My ex started bringing up my low income, how she doesn't like splitting bills and checks and how we don't spend enough time with each other because our off days were different.

 

These were all things she was aware of when we started dating... Things that were never an issue until months before our breakup.

 

It was like she was finding reasons to blame me for why she wasn't wanting to be in the relationship anymore.

[Nothingtolose]

Dumpers usually get a really bad rep, but as a dumper, I can say honestly that some people deserve to be dumped.

 

A lot of people tell me there's no such thing as a "forced dump" but I disagree. I had to end my relationship as there was no way to keep my relationship and sanity/self-love and shall I say, myself. I was abandoning myself to be with him, and it was eating away at me.

 

I tried everything I possibly could, but in the end he did not want to do the things that were required to make us work, such as getting counselling for his emotional issues and addictions. I still love the guy to pieces, and he knows what needs to be done to get our relationship back, but instead, he chooses to blame me on not "accepting him as he is" - so he can happily continue with his lifestyle of getting stoned every day, drinking every night etc etc.

 

I definitely wasn't "finding faults" with the relationship for no reason. I cried myself to sleep for months before the break up, during and after. Some nights I still do.

 

Dumpers aren't always the monsters they're painted out to be. Sometimes leaving the relationship is what we need to do to survive, or to live a better life, one that isn't filled with the sadness and anxiety of being in a relationship that is no longer healthy or fulfilling.

[mmiller5373]

Dumpers usually get a really bad rep, but as a dumper, I can say honestly that some people deserve to be dumped.

 

A lot of people tell me there's no such thing as a "forced dump" but I disagree. I had to end my relationship as there was no way to keep my relationship and sanity/self-love and shall I say, myself. I was abandoning myself to be with him, and it was eating away at me.

 

I tried everything I possibly could, but in the end he did not want to do the things that were required to make us work, such as getting counselling for his emotional issues and addictions. I still love the guy to pieces, and he knows what needs to be done to get our relationship back, but instead, he chooses to blame me on not "accepting him as he is" - so he can happily continue with his lifestyle of getting stoned every day, drinking every night etc etc.

 

I definitely wasn't "finding faults" with the relationship for no reason. I cried myself to sleep for months before the break up, during and after. Some nights I still do.

 

Dumpers aren't always the monsters they're painted out to be. Sometimes leaving the relationship is what we need to do to survive, or to live a better life, one that isn't filled with the sadness and anxiety of being in a relationship that is no longer healthy or fulfilling.

 

Sounds like you made the right decision.

 

I think most of us in this thread are talking about healthy relationships. It sounds like your ex wasn't doing his part to keep the relationship going.

 

I was. In fact, when all the fighting started, I asked for a break so we could try to come up with a solution. Mine? Let's go to counseling.

 

She broke up with me... then two weeks later said she wanted to try counseling, however, during our sessions, she really didn't try to make things work. Once again, the therapy sessions were spent blaming me for everything and not taking any responsibility for her actions.