close to tears .

[Jason281]

Just to explain my situation .

I moved to wales with my partner and her daughter who is 14 around 4 years ago . She was previously in a violent and abusive relationship for around 20 years so after we met a year later we decided to move. Things have certainly not been the best . She is a very controlling woman and abusive, she was also previously violent towards myself on a few occasions , however this was stopped when I called the police. She is a VERY argumentative woman that will never back down so much so , to the point she would be screaming in my face. My step daughter has been a nightmare , I really do hate to say it , but it’s the truth, a idea is that in the last 2 years alone she has been thrown out of schools 3 times , suspended then expelled, which the latest beeing swearing to a teachers face and telling them to eff off ! And rather than punishing her mum lets her stay in her friends all weekend.... and this is certainly not the first time .Anyway , the issue I have is after 4 years she wants to move back home to the midlands closer to her family and grandchildren as she misses them as she stated here she feels lonely. I told her this is something I can’t do , I have been away from my home for over 20 years and always wanted to return back home, she stated to me that she feels lonely and that she does not belong here and she could never call our house here in wales home. She does visit her family in the midlands on a monthly basis and I do join her and sometimes I don’t and if she can’t afford it that month I will always support her financially . However she still wants to move , I told her if this is what she wants I would support her and help as much as I can , however when I told her this again she attacked me with emotional abuse stating , I don’t love her , she or my step daughter mean nothing to her, saying I’m cold as ice , she stated the reason she is lonely is because to me she is worthless , she also stated that I would replace her with someone local as soon as she is gone , these are all txt I’ve received and I’m more than happy to post some on here so that you guys could see how emotionally brutal she is , she’has also requested the following , as we both rent accommodation from the housing association that I remove my name from the tennnancy agreement so that she could apply for a house swap with someone who would like to move to wales ?? ( not sure what that is as very limited information on the net about house swap ) so , as you can see my mind is all over the place ... any advice would be fantastically appreciated. Should I just take my name off the house and give it to her for this house swap thing ? Thanks everyone

[Zahara]

Why have you stayed with an abusive woman for all these years?

[d0nnivain]

Where would you live if you do this? If she is the only tenant & swaps to live elsewhere, what happens to you?

 

 

I think I would end this relationship. You really shouldn't stay with a violent partner, especially if you have had to get the police involved.

 

 

If she loved you, she'd try harder. She wants things her way with no regard for you.

 

 

Seriously what are you getting out of this except abuse?

[elaine567]

Tell her you will be staying in Wales and she and her daughter can go back home to the Midlands any time soon.

 

DO NOT sign over your house to her.

 

Life is too short for all this nonsense.

[Jason281]

Hi everyone

Thank you for your replies so far , really really appreciate it . Just a couple of answers , the reason I stayed in this relationship was due to thinking that this was brought on due to the past that she had and I felt wrong to be pointing the finger at her , I felt it was support she needed and not me shouting at her , she did have sessions with a councillor for a brief spell but this was short lived . In regards to the house , Ive always beloved that if you break up with a girlfriend with or without children in my case I don't believe a guy should leave a woman destitute but leave her at least in the same position she was when you found her, of course it has crossed my mind , what would I do , where would I stay , Ive even thought about renting a room in a shared house. I’m 39 years of age , never married , no children , I work for the government which is a really good paying job ( in my area anyway ) I drink once a week ( in the house only pubs and clubs is a no go as she hates them due to the ex ) and go to the gym 3 times a week , and what hurts the most is that I have to start all over again .

[d0nnivain]

You sound like a kind loving man. You deserve to find a kind loving woman. She's not that.

 

 

Don't hold her back. Do let her go but preserve your own finances. I once paid for an EX to move. That is how badly I wanted him gone. It was money well spent, imo.

[snowboy91]

Hi everyone

Thank you for your replies so far , really really appreciate it . Just a couple of answers , the reason I stayed in this relationship was due to thinking that this was brought on due to the past that she had and I felt wrong to be pointing the finger at her , I felt it was support she needed and not me shouting at her , she did have sessions with a councillor for a brief spell but this was short lived . In regards to the house , Ive always beloved that if you break up with a girlfriend with or without children in my case I don't believe a guy should leave a woman destitute but leave her at least in the same position she was when you found her, of course it has crossed my mind , what would I do , where would I stay , Ive even thought about renting a room in a shared house. I’m 39 years of age , never married , no children , I work for the government which is a really good paying job ( in my area anyway ) I drink once a week ( in the house only pubs and clubs is a no go as she hates them due to the ex ) and go to the gym 3 times a week , and what hurts the most is that I have to start all over again .

 

Starting over again isn't the worst thing in the world. Besides, you're not completely starting over, you have your job. Think of it this way - you get to be on your own, you're in charge of your life with no-one trying to argue with you or attack you. I imagine share houses are probably less fun at 39 than at 29 or 19 but you gotta start somewhere - and the savings will allow you to make enough cash to move into your own flat fairly quickly (what are living costs like in Wales anyway?)

[Downtown]

She is a very controlling woman and abusive, she was also previously violent towards myself on a few occasions , however this was stopped when I called the police.... she would be screaming in my face.

Jason, you're describing some of the classic symptoms for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your partner has the full-blown disorder (only a professional can determine whether her symptoms are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD). Rather, I'm suggesting she might be exhibiting strong symptoms, regardless of whether they meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. I suspect they will. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. And Sal provides a concise and insightful account of what it's like to live with a BPDer for 23 years in his 3/16 post. If those descriptions ring many bells and raise questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Jason.