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No Contact or Friends? 27F broke up with 30M


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 9th December 2017, 12:40 PM   #1
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No Contact or Friends? 27F broke up with 30M

Hi all

Less than two weeks ago my partner of nine years broke up with me. Despite my pleas for counselling she told me there was no emotional or mental connection left. She told me she wanted to remain friends. I told her I didn't know if we could if I saw her with some one else, especially quickly.
I still loved her but I do admit the romance had died in our relationship. I was working late and watching TV. She was studying at college and on her phone. There was also arguments over dishes and passive aggressive muttering.

We had been under financial pressure and she had found out a couple of years previous she could not have children and had immune health problems.
We were both pretty miserable but were sticking it out (I thought together).

About six months ago she was placed in a language learning exchange program with a Spanish guy in her college.
I noticed them texting each other but she said he was helping her learn Spanish as part of her College training, he was sending phrases with funny emojis to her but I was confident in our relationship and thought nothing of it.

There is a Latin bar that her college friends go to, I'm exhausted from work but didn't mind if she went. She had been going with her friends for at least four to eight months before we broke up, around every month or so. I thought of it as normal college socialising.
I did not know this at the time but I found out he was teaching her how to dance and flirting with her, sometimes taking her there alone.

When we broke up she told me she did not have attraction for anyone else, however the next week (a few days after we last had sex - we had broken up and the next day she told me the sex was a mistake and meaningless) I saw the exchange guy for the first time.
I went because she told me the Latin nights were good and I should go, I told her I would as I wanted to show more interest in what she was doing (and even though she broke up with me hoped we could reconcile if I put more effort into getting to know her passions).

I messaged to tell her I was going on the night but there was no reply.

When I got there I saw her cuddled next to the guy on the lounge, I asked who he was and she told me he was the exchange guy. He didn't know who I was. I complimented his shirt and watch and said I was going outside. I tried to call my ex but she told me "we weren't dating anymore and she didn't want to come outside to talk". I went back inside and they were slow dancing and kissing.
The signs were there that she was checking out, including petty arguments over ironing and other domestic duties. I did just take it (television, phones) as escapism from the situation because we were both under pressure with what we were doing at work and in college. I didn't think she was flirting in Spanish with this handsome 6'2'' guy she is now being intimate with from college.

It has been a bitter pill to swallow but maybe she will see the strength in me facing these issues, being that rock of support, not running away from life and the past we shared just because I am hurt that she has chosen another as her man after nearly a decade. Maybe I should be her friend.
I enjoy just hearing her voice and seeing her face, maybe I don't feel repulsed by what she did even if I feel it was wrong because I understand how it could have occurred.

Maybe if I had an attractive work colleague lavishing me with compliments and taking me out dancing while my girlfriend was not showing me attention I craved I would not be immune from straying (though I would like to say definitively that wouldn't be in my nature you can never tell until it happens).
Once you have these thoughts I believe the relationship would be dead however to prevent these thoughts I should have treasured more of the time I did spend with her, bothered to look at her essays and not had minor tantrums over her not cleaning up mugs, dishes etc.

Also I should have shown more interest in her learning Spanish and even if I was exhausted from work go out to the bar her college friends and she went to on Thursdays, at least make myself known so they might back off trying to slow dance with her or flirt.
I know now she is having sex with this new guy and since they have known each other for half a year will probably remain steady for at least a few months to who knows when.

I understand now she felt unloved in our relationship but don't want her out of my life. I still care about her and we shared so many times together.

What should I do?
Wait a week then propose a meeting to talk about any future friendship?
Not contact her at all even though she has been my only support (most of my family and friends are interstate) and she lives a mile away?
Obviously friendship will be difficult but the thought of the person I have loved and relied upon for the last ten years not being in my life at all is shattering.
I know most of you would recommend No Contact to get over her but I still care about her and know we can be there for one another, even if we don't have sex and she is with another guy.

When should I contact her after this incident to discuss being friends?
A few days later? A week later?
Even though I wish to reconcile (even after what happened) I do realise the need for appropriate boundaries if we forged a future as friends (no kissing, touching, saying honey/love etc.)
She hasn't contacted me for two days, the night after she texted 'Hope you also had a good night' and that was it.

Is their relationship likely to last? I guess who knows, I'm sure though she is not going to come back to me if I just go no contact because it seems she did lose that spark with me and her memories of our relationship were bland.
After all she had sex with another guy a week and a half after breaking up and four-five days after having last sex with me.

Her friends seem to convince her that she should eat, pray, ***k while she's still young so even if it doesn't work out with this guy I'm sure she would not be considering going back to me if I went no contact.

I found out during the break up the mother also said "she could do better" than me (the effective mother in law never really liked me, I guess I didn't appreciate her sewing etc. enough and also our financial situation - even though I worked full time I had medical and legal bills). Even though she was together with me for nine years we have no mutual friends and she told me (when breaking up) she was deeply unhappy in our relationship (not that she didn't love me but she thought I didn't show her enough affection, share her passions and was immature with arguments - I want to show her I am changing these)

The only way to get her back is through what she did to me which would be overlapping but I wouldn't want to destroy her relationship with this guy but maybe she is just getting this out of her system?
I am a bit pessimistic if I did become friends with her that it would be the same dynamic as before. Her relying on me for familiarity and help while giving her best to the new guy.
I still love and empathise with her and want her falling asleep next to me again, sharing funny jokes and the emotional support.
I know she won't feel bad about what she has done, when we were breaking up she told me she was the one who had the 'courage' to do it and she will think since she had sex with the guy after the break up there is no problem (despite saying there was 'no one else').


*tl;dr*

I was broken up with partner of nine years, talk of marriage - surrogate kids, but numerous financial and health difficulties, she wants to remain friends, I am heartbroken, realise there were problems with our relationship, do want to still speak and see her even though it may not work out. Partner left me to consumate passions she had with a classmate. Feel betrayed but understand there is no one factor to blame. Want to in order a) Reconcile b) Remain Friends c) No Contact

Last edited by ConfusedLuke; 9th December 2017 at 1:51 PM..
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Old 9th December 2017, 1:52 PM   #2
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Not contact her at all even though she has been my only support (most of my family and friends are interstate) and she lives a mile away?
What support would she be able to give to you in your current situation, feeling heartbroken over her breaking up with you? And is whatever support she may be to you in other problems worth the pain of being around her while she is sleeping with someone else?

Her behaviour doesn't seem like she particularly cares about your feeligns at the moment either, so I'm not sure how valuable a friend she would be. Saying "let's stay friends" might just as well be an easy way for her to avoid feeling too bad about breaking up. And if she's serious about it, she can reach out about it to you.

I don't see how staying around her as a friend would be any useful in getting her back, and I don't think you can be her friend if you still have feelings for her. Either way, your main concern at the moment should be to heal. Don't contact her and do what's best to you.
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Old 9th December 2017, 1:56 PM   #3
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What support would she be able to give to you in your current situation, feeling heartbroken over her breaking up with you?
Not in this situation obviously as that would be inappropriate to try and make her feel bad when the heart wants what the heart wants and we were both to blame in some respects, but we supported each other in practical ways and emotional ways. I understand she has a new boyfriend now but you can still have a friend there to talk to about work, family etc. We also have a rapport that formed over time. We've always been able to talk things through. I guess as mature adults who know each other and have compassion we could work it out as friends and platonically still have each other there to laugh and go places with.

Last edited by ConfusedLuke; 9th December 2017 at 1:59 PM..
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Old 9th December 2017, 2:08 PM   #4
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She monkey branched to this guy and you’re contemplating being friends with her. FFS.

NO CONTACT
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Old 9th December 2017, 4:58 PM   #5
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Your relationship has been over for a little while, and you stayed together anyway... it didn't do either of you any good. So what would improve by rushing a friendship, which would kind of be a similar dynamic but without sex?

One thing I think a lot of people do (and I used to do too) is think they need to decide about a friendship or not right away after the breakup. You don't need to decide anything right away. This was a very, very long relationship, and you both are going to go through a lot of transition now... even if she isn't feeling romantic anymore, it's a huge life change to not have your partner around after that long. Maybe she won't feel that RIGHT away, especially since she's filling the time with another guy. But she will feel it at some point, and that may change her perspective on what she wants, too.

I think it is in your best interest to tell her you may want to be friends in the future but right now you just need space -- and separate yourself from her, mourn, and focus and work on yourself to rebuild your identity and your confidence. If the relationship had gotten so lackluster for you both, and you were "miserable," you may actually start to feel relief in a few months once you start recovering from the shock and all the changes. Then you can consider how you're feeling and if you want to pursue a friendship -- assuming she does as well (and if the answer is, you don't want it at that moment in time, you can also reassess a few months after that, and a few months after that, etc.).

If you are not friends right away, it doesn't mean that what you had together wasn't valuable, so you don't need to force it or feel guilty if you don't want to try yet (or try at all ever). I think there's no sense in staying in a relationship, when you are still both so young, unmarried, and don't have kids, if you are "miserable." Would you want that for another 60 years? Would you want that for her for another 60 years? You love her, so I doubt you'd want it for either of you.

No contact to heal will be healthy for you now. Don't worry about the rest yet, just focus on yourself, and see how you feel once you're feeling stronger and more independent emotionally.
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Old 9th December 2017, 6:45 PM   #6
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Your relationship has been over for a little while, and you stayed together anyway... it didn't do either of you any good. So what would improve by rushing a friendship, which would kind of be a similar dynamic but without sex?

If the relationship had gotten so lackluster for you both, and you were "miserable," you may actually start to feel relief in a few months once you start recovering from the shock and all the changes.

I think there's no sense in staying in a relationship, when you are still both so young, unmarried, and don't have kids, if you are "miserable." Would you want that for another 60 years? Would you want that for her for another 60 years? You love her, so I doubt you'd want it for either of you.

No contact to heal will be healthy for you now. Don't worry about the rest yet, just focus on yourself, and see how you feel once you're feeling stronger and more independent emotionally.
We were miserable because of the circumstances. I was under a lot of pressure at work and she was under a lot of pressure with her health and grades at college. Even though we were bickering and arguing the misery was more a result of us context (financial and health-wise) but I do admit it was compounded by each getting in each other's hair and not being communicative or making time for romance.

The situation as it was could not have gone on for another 60 years but a lot of these situations were circumstantial to the last year (my mother went into bankruptcy, there were legal disputes with family, I was having heavy conversations with her about the future and it was probably all too much when she had just gone through re-assessment of her future as well not being able to have kids biologically with me).

We cared for one another but when she probably found texting him was the most happiest time in the day obviously her mind became obsessed with his responses and her heart became in love with this new guy, infatuated with the idea of trying out something with him.

Coupled with anticipation of meeting up going dancing it is little wonder what happened happened. If we did communicate more, if I was romantic and talked about her passions I doubt it would have happened but it has so what use is dwelling on it or trying to forget and ignoring her?

I already feel how I feel, the damage is done. Because I have compassion I don't believe I would be holding it against her each time I saw her.

I understand why she did what she did, yes I will develop myself independently of this but I thought at least be mature with her rather than stick my head in the sand and pretend she doesn't exist. I also deserve happiness of having her around from time to time, not to have sex but to share updates on our lives and just have fun going places as friends.

It is a blow for what I thought was love between us, it is a blow for my ego (although that is just a consequence), it is a blow for the practical support I had with her 'just being that person' to go to when discussing ideas and feelings. I understand as friends there will be no more talk of plans together but we had not been discussing plans for a while (I believe because she was emotionally detaching).

I understand this is what she wants now, I just figure what good is it pretending she doesn't exist at all when I still think of her as a person I deeply care about? Maybe if we had been together for a month and there was no empathy at all I could close contact and go 'screw her' but she still is a valuable person to me and I understand what went wrong.

I have thought about the two prospects and it hurts more not having her around as a friend than having her around knowing she's having sex with someone else. I have to swallow my emotions but in a way I have been forced to process it by already seeing them randomly together.

I think it would be healthy for me rather than go cold turkey from seeing her at all to have some walks with her, after maybe a first meeting discussing her and my feelings towards the situation, make that move to not discuss it again in our new friendship. If the friendship is too painful yes I will have to go no contact but in my mind is the concept 'I still care and miss her. What have I got to lose being friends? I have lost the hope of her being my life partner I know and accept she has a new lover'. I miss the intimacy I had with her but more than that miss chatting with her generally, seeing her face around.

I realise as a friend she will not be living in my apartment but it would be nice to see her once every week to fortnight. I would need to discuss it with her and ensure she feels comfortable with it. I would also have to assure her that even though I was shocked and a little sad by the events, I am not in hurt and still want her in my life. Even though that seems relenting and disempowering (I wanted to be with her forever and she knows that). I hope she respects me for this and we can still have times laughing and joking around.

Last edited by ConfusedLuke; 9th December 2017 at 7:09 PM..
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Old 9th December 2017, 7:12 PM   #7
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This woman has made a complete fool of you by monkey branching to another guy and you write that nonsense.. am i missing something here? You should dislike her!!
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Old 9th December 2017, 7:26 PM   #8
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even if she isn't feeling romantic anymore, it's a huge life change to not have your partner around after that long. Maybe she won't feel that RIGHT away, especially since she's filling the time with another guy. But she will feel it at some point, and that may change her perspective on what she wants, too.
.
Yes, and her friends are encouraging her to be that 'single lady' and date around, I highly doubt she will come back to me if I am petulant and pretend she doesn't exist (or even if i write some lovelorn letter to send to her months down the line). I could not see us reconciling or thinking of the past and each other healthily if we ignored each other from this point on.

I am thinking of contacting her most likely in the next few days and organising to meet with her late next week.

I know she probably thinks I will act like a wounded seal and not reach out but if I take the strength and be the 'better man' she will surely see that I respect her and truly had empathy for the situation. I also hope to communicate that I was shocked by this as she would be, not in order for her to make her feel guilty but to really get across that even though things seemed stale between us I still held emotions for her (at the end she was crying things like 'I love you more than you love me' despite cuddling and reassurances because maybe i was acting cold and neglected taking the time to talk about her day).
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Old 9th December 2017, 7:31 PM   #9
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Man, she was flirting with a guy while she was with you. Why you still considering have something with her? None relationship with her would be acceptable at all. Go full NC. She only want to keep you cause is the best situation to her, stick you as friend and the new guy. Do you want to be a spare person or a doormat? For your own sake, focus on you and forget her.
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Old 9th December 2017, 7:36 PM   #10
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Man, she was flirting with a guy while she was with you. Why you still considering have something with her? None relationship with her would be acceptable at all. Go full NC. She only want to keep you cause is the best situation to her, stick you as friend and the new guy. Do you want to be a spare person or a doormat? For your own sake, focus on you and forget her.
I don't want to be a spare person or doormat, but I have compassion for her and understand why she could have been tempted to do what she did because all of a sudden this guy who seems a better match came around at a vulnerable time in our relationship and showed interest, sharing her interest of Spanish language and culture. To her our relationship may have seemed to be 'going nowhere' despite the progression I was having in the legal cases and at work. I understand if she thought that and allowed herself to be open to the advances of another man.

I am not going to pretend it doesn't hurt my own ego but my desire to have her around in any capacity, as that smiling laughing friend who has ten years of experience knowing me, is strong. I do deserve better in a partner but also deserve to have her at least as a friend being there for one another - even if it isn't sexual or deeply emotional anymore.

I understand even though it may come across that she was passively poached by this guy, she must have also considered whether the marriage talked about (she wanted it but there was not enough money) would have lasted at the time given the lack of support of friends and family (I wasn't a drug addict or bad prospect so much to them I just took her mother for granted when I went over there every month or so I may have seemed ungrateful when she did things like sew or cook things for us because I was so caught up in my own zone of stress and work).

I didn't feel comfortable really around her friends because they were all single and going on about Tinder or dating guys, I didn't have any rapport with them but now I see I should have made more of an effort to get to know those long term friends she went to school with (even if I didn't see eye to eye with them and was a little bit insecure of the influence they had on her (I didn't deprive her or manipulate her not to talk to them - the week before she broke up with me she went away for a girl's trip with them though and even though it was her decision I can't help but feel they swayed her especially when I wasn't texting much and they could see this Spanish lothario flirting on the phone with her.

I know now if I want to be friends I have to at least develop a better relationship with her mother and show her that my attitude and mindset and stress level has changed. I don't think I want to meet up with her girlfriends any time soon because I am still a bit hurt and suspicious of the role they played in her factoring whether it was the best idea to stay with me.

Last edited by ConfusedLuke; 9th December 2017 at 7:47 PM..
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Old 9th December 2017, 7:47 PM   #11
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Have fun being her emotional tampon OP all whilst she’s getting laid by another guy. Madness.
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Old 9th December 2017, 7:56 PM   #12
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Have fun being her emotional tampon OP all whilst she’s getting laid by another guy. Madness.
I can't pretend it doesn't hurt thinking about her riding his dick, but towards the end as most long term relationship it was the companionship aspect (which she viewed as friendship) that was most rewarding.

I will miss having her around for sex, I will struggle at times to withhold myself from kissing her but right now i am physically and emotionally exhausted. I have been living on protein shakes with water as I cannot stomach solids for the last two weeks. My brain has been overwhelmed with thoughts of her (not romantic/sex thoughts just thinking about what happened, what she is doing and missing her smiling face around). I have had to take out a prescription for sleeping tablets to help my mind rest.

I know she isn't feeling the same because she did overlap and her thoughts are now with this new guy in this stage of consumation of the crush after long time of fantasising.

When we were in contact last week hearing her voice and just talking soothed the hell out of me. It may not be that way now considering what occurred at the Latin place but why not try?

During the conversations I was not thinking about how to bone her but talking about her college work and how her sister was irritating her, while I was talking about my work etc.

You may think there is too much baggage there and I would get torn up seeing her but when we did a few days after sex (the day before the Latin club) I was actually happy just to talk a walk to the shops with her, we didn't kiss although we shared a hug but I can't bear pretending she doesn't exist - even if she monkey branched me.

I still make her smile, even if she has fallen in love with someone else I can still be there for her. If we reconcile it will happen but I'm not going to treat our friendship as just a chance for reconciliation. Making her feel bad about her actions (even though I believe she would consider them justified with the support of family and friends and her mind she didn't technically 'cheat') will just drive a further wedge and make it impossible for a friendship to occur. I think she will respect me more if I don't show that I am cut up by it when we next meet because I have processed what has occurred intensely over the last few days. I genuinely miss hearing her perspective on things, listening to her voice and sharing stories as much as I do the sex.

Has anyone been in a similar situation like this before?

Last edited by ConfusedLuke; 9th December 2017 at 8:46 PM..
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Old 10th December 2017, 12:11 AM   #13
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OP, I was with my ex for 6.5 years. She monkey branches back to her ex the next day. Yes. I've been there. It hurts and it's going to hurt for a while. Think with your brain and not your heart. If she cared at all She wouldn't have overlapped so quickly.

Go no contact. For your own sanity. She will need time to even think about what was with you guys. That could take awhile.

I still struggle 5 months down the road but if someone can leave and be with someone so quick she left a long time ago. Thank yourself you don't have kids or were married. Woman like this are not wired like you and i.

Focus on yourself and stay busy
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Old 10th December 2017, 3:22 AM   #14
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Go no contact. For your own sanity. She will need time to even think about what was with you guys. That could take awhile.

Focus on yourself and stay busy
I think that is what she was weighing up in the last six months, that the passion had died and I she had one life to lead.

'Hey this guy is hot and showing me attention and shares my interest so...'

I am not going to demean our nearly decade long relationship to that level but I don't think she will have second thoughts and return, considering the amount of time she was thinking it over (without me really knowing).

Then why would I want to remain friends with her if she was being withdrawn?

Because now it is out in the open, I don't blame her because of the pressures we both went through.

I think it will be a relief and we can share just being around each other as supports (non-sexual) a lot better.

I will ensure there are rules in place so the new BF doesn't feel uncomfortable but other than that I think that's the best way to take it. I don't think I should just rub her out of my life. Sex was not the most important element in our relationship (we were only having it once every three weeks or so) but it was that reliance.

I don't think she is going to be at my place every day now but hopefully she starts feeling comfortable visiting and hanging out like we used to.

It will hurt knowing that she will in all likelihood never be my wife and that we will never grow old as a couple but she is still alive and it is agonising not seeing her and just hearing her voice and joking around.
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Old 10th December 2017, 3:39 AM   #15
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I think a lot of people ponder the friends with an ex route in the immediate aftermath of the breakup. It helps dull the pain, in theory, since it prevents a complete removal of the person from your life.

That said, it's rarely a good idea, even when the breakup happened through no real fault of either person. In your situation, you're basically telling her that her behavior was acceptable. You're telling her that she could commit the ultimate betrayal and, in response, you offered friendship?

I guess it's good you're seeing her side of things, but I think you're also projecting your feelings for her in your attempts to marginalize what she did. Don't. She messed up and there needs to be consequences. She doesn't get to chose what parts of you she wants, especially when she's gone about it in a way that is so disrespectful and inconsiderate to you.
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