Am I an idiot?

[heartbrokenlady]

Hi,

 

It's the first time I've really written about my relationship in depth and it isn't easy.

 

I was with my ex for 10 years. When we met, we lived at opposite ends of the country. So after 2 years, I changed jobs, and went to live near him. We decided that I would do this after a lot of talk and discussion. We agreed that we would live apart for a while to make sure a full-time relationship worked, and then that we would live together.

 

So I lived in his area for 5 years. In that time, I had a life threatening illness and he supported me through it. It made our relationship stronger. The issue the whole time we were together was his adult, dependent children. Mostly his daughter. Both of them were difficult and disrespectful, but the daughter was worst. She clearly resented having to share her father and went out of her way to make her dislike known. I waited 5 years and at no point, did he manage to get to the point where we could live together, without his daughter (she lives with him, pays no rent, bills and mostly buys no food).

 

Eventually, I gave up and moved overseas. He was heartbroken. Professed me the love of his life, told me he knew he'd been wrong and that he'd fix it. I wasn't happy in the place I was living and he told me that if I came home, he'd get his daughter moved out into a place of her own and that I could live with him. Because of this, I worked out my 2 year contract and then moved home again.

 

Living in his house wasn't my first choice, but I love him, so I agreed. After all, he was going to sort his daughter out so...

 

I got home. Moved my furniture out of storage, collected everything and moved to his. Only to find that he had sorted nothing. Daughter was still living there (she was going at Christmas supposedly). Not only that, but he had cleared no space ANYWHERE for my belongings, not even a place for me to put my underwear. Please note, this move had been planned for 9 months. So I set to. He had a junk room, which I started clearing, cleaning and tidying. At least somewhere I could put some stuff.

 

World war 3 broke out. His daughter claimed I was trying to take over her family home (her mother lives in a 6 bedroom house in the area) and force her out. She went into meltdown. I haven't seen anything like it since I left my abusive ex husband. I tried to ride it out but couldn't. The abuse was constant and ongoing. My history of abuse meant I couldn't do it and she forced me out. At the time it was happening, I didn't understand why he didn't step in and do something, but now I have some distance I get it more. He has a morbid fear of confrontation and at times, he was as scared of it all as I was.

 

I didn't want to break up with him, I loved him and still do. But I couldn't stay there. I quickly found myself a job and went back overseas. Obviously, our relationship has now ended through dint of circumstance.

 

Tell me please. Was I an idiot? I realise now he was a commitment phobe, but WHY did he get me to move in if 1) He didn't really want me to and 2) Why did he not tell me about his daughter still being there?

 

We're still in touch. I know nothing can come of it but we were friends as well as partners and I miss him so much.

Edited December 8, 2017 by heartbrokenlady

[scatteredmusician]

Wow, you have been through a lot, and to spend this much of your life with someone regardless of the experience makes this a major issue and difficulty. I am so sorry you were treated this way but I have to say – even though he has issues, as you said – it seems to me that he was not there for you when it counted. He had to pick. He picked non-confrontation. You were not his priority and you should be that. I hope you can find someone to talk to about this. Is there are trusted friend with whom you can share? Can you find a counselor, perhaps at a local church? Just getting this out and hearing another viewpoint can be helpful in your healing. You deserve someone who puts you first and I pray that is exactly what you will find in your future. Blessings.

[OatsAndHall]

I read an exceptional article recently that explained why it is unhealthy to treat your kids like they are the center of the universe. Yes, it is obviously imperative to love and care for one's children but it is important to recognize that you cannot place them on a pedestal. This is exactly what your ex has done with his daughter and now he gets to deal with the consequences of it. And, one of those consequences is having his grown daughter destroying any chances he has of a relationship.

 

I was married to a woman with three boys and she had one of them when she was a senior in high school. He was quite a bit older then his brothers; the youngest was 3, the middle was 5 and he was 13 when I met her. Throughout our years together, the oldest just got lazier and lazier. He spent all of his free time playing video games or screwing around on the web and he was failing classes constantly. We split up before his senior year and her enabling of his behavior was a contributing factor in our divorce.

 

I sat down with her on many occasions and calmly explained how frustrating it was to watch this kid eek his way through life. I asked her to start laying out some serious consequences for his behavior and one of those was him being shipped to his grandparent's ranch to work all summer. He needed to start developing some work ethic and be exposed to the real world in a hurry as he would spend his summers at home sleeping all day, playing video games all night and not contributing to the family. He had held one job (working for his cousin) and he had been fired from that job within three weeks for being lazy. But, she refused and he continued to get his care-free summers all while failing his classes during the school year. She wouldn't even budge on it when we caught him with a bong in the house..

 

Long story short, I told her that we really needed to consider having him move out of the house when he went to college. He had already been accepted to a school (I don't know how..) and his grandparents had set up a fund to pay for his schooling. I asked that he live in the dorms but that he was always welcome to come hang around with us, eat some meals and we'd help him with groceries. I told her that we would be dealing with even worse behavior if he were in college and living at home. Holy hell did that stir up a **** storm.. I wasn't going to let it turn into a "me or him" situation but that is how she took it.

 

Now, we've been divorced for awhile, he is twenty years old and still living at home. He is working twenty hours per week, not going to college and living off of her and her new husband. Bottom line: it isn't healthy for him or for her new family to have that situation going on. And, I am SOOO glad that I don't have to deal with it.

[heartbrokenlady]

I am SOOO glad that I don't have to deal with it.

 

Yes, this is the ONE area that I am actively happy about. I think EVERY day how pleased I am never to encounter this deeply unpleasant women (not even young, early 30s) again.

 

 

One of the many, many things that makes me sad, is that he is much older than me and is now actively lonely a lot of the time. Despite his prioritizing of his daughter, she leaves him alone a lot of the time, travelling (spending the money she does not use to support herself). Several years in a row she has left her elderly father alone at Christmas. Last year he admitted to me that he was deeply unhappy and spent much of Christmas day in tears, due to loneliness. She is leaving him alone again this year.

 

I love him totally and will not have another relationship, despite knowing there is no way back for us.

[OatsAndHall]

Yes, this is the ONE area that I am actively happy about. I think EVERY day how pleased I am never to encounter this deeply unpleasant women (not even young, early 30s) again.

 

 

One of the many, many things that makes me sad, is that he is much older than me and is now actively lonely a lot of the time. Despite his prioritizing of his daughter, she leaves him alone a lot of the time, travelling (spending the money she does not use to support herself). Several years in a row she has left her elderly father alone at Christmas. Last year he admitted to me that he was deeply unhappy and spent much of Christmas day in tears, due to loneliness. She is leaving him alone again this year.

 

I love him totally and will not have another relationship, despite knowing there is no way back for us.

 

That certainly is a depressing situation, through and through. But, these are the consequences of the decisions he is making. The last woman that I dated seriously has two teenage sons and one of them has some anger and impulse control issues. Her and I never really became serious for a variety of reasons but he certainly was one of them. She doesn't put him up on a pedestal, by any means, but she certainly has her hands full. And that limits her time dating and it made me wary of getting too involved with her.

[anika99]

He said IF you come back I will make my daughter move out. That right there was a huge red flag, because people don't make real lasting changes for other people. People only truly change when they want change, so he was basically saying "okay, I'll give YOU what YOU want, IF you come back". It was never what he wanted. He didn't have a burning desire to get his daughter out of his house. He didn't have any deep insight into why the way he is living is dyfunctional for both him and his daughter.

 

If he was ready to make true healthy changes then he would have been working on that long before you went back. As a matter of fact he would have been working on it even if you told him you were never coming back simply because he saw it as the right thing to do. He had 9 months and he changed nothing so I'm not sure what made you think all these magical changes were suddenly going to occur the moment you returned. It's like an alcoholic saying "I promise I'll quit drinking if you come back" but they continue to drink like a fish for nine months and they are still drinking upon your return. Pretty obvious that they never intended to quit drinking and that nothing has changed right?

[heartbrokenlady]

He said IF you come back I will make my daughter move out. That right there was a huge red flag, because people don't make real lasting changes for other people. People only truly change when they want change, so he was basically saying "okay, I'll give YOU what YOU want, IF you come back". It was never what he wanted. He didn't have a burning desire to get his daughter out of his house. He didn't have any deep insight into why the way he is living is dyfunctional for both him and his daughter.

 

If he was ready to make true healthy changes then he would have been working on that long before you went back. As a matter of fact he would have been working on it even if you told him you were never coming back simply because he saw it as the right thing to do. He had 9 months and he changed nothing so I'm not sure what made you think all these magical changes were suddenly going to occur the moment you returned. It's like an alcoholic saying "I promise I'll quit drinking if you come back" but they continue to drink like a fish for nine months and they are still drinking upon your return. Pretty obvious that they never intended to quit drinking and that nothing has changed right?

 

 

No, he'd said other stuff too, that I didn't include, like 'I know it's not healthy' and 'she needs to learn to be independent'. I'd talked to him in the past about those aspects but had given up so had stopped involving myself up in those conversations. He'd brought them up spontaneously so he knew.

 

Not my problem anymore. Thank god. Doesn't stop me hurting or stop feeling bad for his loneliness.